...mOMents...

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today: a mOMent, followed by more. (it's definitely april 2011)


"i want to be alive to all the life that is in me now... to know each mOMent to the uttermost." -Gibran


Last night i had a dream that a spirit guide (petunju jiwa) started talking to me indonesian and i had to work really hard to keep up with the translation... until all of a sudden it was slow and clear and this spirit told me that i was going to trek from Goa to Rhishikesh in India.

As i was receiving this message, i suddenly reached my left hand out to the side (kind of the way you instinctively stick your arm out over the passenger seat when you have to stop suddenly)... i reached out sharply to the left only to find Aaron Glass's right hand.

i didn't even realize he was in the dream, or that mOMent... but i felt he was sitting there next to me as soon as i extended my arm and i grabbed his hand, as if to ask him "dude! are you hearing this message!?"

i turned my head, sort of surprised and saw his furrowed brow and fixed eyes beneath the brim of his knitted rainbow hat... his face was intently watching the energy talking to me...

he heard it too, so present in that moment and just fully on board with me.
It was an amazing vision.

...i refer to spirit guides a lot.

i don't really know how to explain it when i experience this guidance that i am talking about.

it's kind of like just having a thought or a daydream... but i am totally zoned out of reality and totally zoned in to the energy - and its almost like a hallucination. usually it happens when i am sleeping or resting in that half way awake, just before or after a deep sleep. the grey area... ya know?

but sometimes i'm wide awake during the day and its just a hit.. like this moment when i hear or feel a bright light and a voice - sometimes it's not actual words i hear.. but something just tells me i'm supposed to do something or other or shows my brain an image.

OKAY - side note - this is where i am WELL aware that i am out of my mind - so far stretched into this crazy paradigm i live in that i am actually textbook "crazy hippie".. i get it.
and the best part is that i can TOTALLY laugh at myself.
for reals... i am giggling at how ridiculous this sounds reading back the last few paragraphs.

I mean, i did fall asleep watching BBC Planet Earth: Mountains and thinking about my journey and where i wanted to go in the next year...

SO, who knows? maybe its just my intuition, maybe its angels, maybe its some kind of connection with spirit guides, maybe its just my imagination...
call it whatever you want... but whatever it is, i follow it.

This is how i roll.. and i am A.O.K. with it.

I woke up today at dawn as the rain was pounding down on the palm trees pulling coconuts to the soft earth with tender but heavy sounding thuds.

I blinked open my eyes and noticed that there was light, although it was still rather dark from the ominous granite colored clouds hanging above the island and shading us from that honey colored dawn-light...

I climbed out of the mosquito net and rolled out my yoga mat and then i sat in meditation without moving for 45 minutes, listening to Lalitha Ashotram from 108 Sacred Names of Mother Divine on my i-thing.

When the track ended and i felt like i was as close to levitating as i would be that morning, i started moving and lead myself through a kundalini-ish restorative yoga class.

Sitting in double pigeon thinking about wrapping up the practice, I heard the generator come on and some power tools started buzzing and humming through the cacophony of birds and various jungle dwelling animals cooing and chirping around me...

I found my feet on the earth and walked to get a huge cup of coffee... more like a bathtub of coffee. (gotta keep balance ya know... i was SO chill.. i had to pep up SO much.)

I walked back to the bungalow and pulled an angel card from the deck that Aileen (my ex mother-in-law) had sent me a few years ago for my birthday.

here's what i pulled this morning:

CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS
"Be clear about what you desire and focus upon it with unwavering faith."
--after praying for guidance, be bold enough to admit what you truly desire. Know that you (along with everyone else) deserve the best of everything, in all ways.

So i get it.

I need to be directly clear with my intentions... and decide what it is i want.

i think i am kind of an oxymoron sometimes... i am one giant contradiction because i have so many sides to me... and i am this crazy energetic chameleon that can adapt to whatever environment i am in... and also, because i have lived through so many things in this one little life...
i don't know, it's almost like i feel like i keep kind of reinventing myself every couple years... like Madonna. (ha)... maybe its time to adopt a baby!

NO, but seriously.. I have conversations with people all the time that say "WHOA. wait a minute? how have you fit all this in? Aren't you 26?"
(i'm 27 a week from today by the way)

but seriously - in this ALMOST 27 years
i was a ballet dancer...
i was a musical theatre actress...
i lived in germany, switzerland & england...
i lost everything i own twice to house fires...
i was a hostess and a server at the pearl dragon on and off for 5 years...
i taught spinning, dance, theatre, yoga, and was a full on pre-school teacher for 4 years at a jewish temple...
i was married at 19...
i was the art director for a yoga products company for 4 years...
i'm an E.M.T, a masseuse, a yoga instructor, and a gypsy with my heart beating in venice beach as my eyes watch this monsoon rainstorm come down in sheets out the window of the bungalow i am currently sitting in, on a private island surf retreat that's located off the northwest tip of an island called Sipura in the Mentawais (West of Sumatra, Indonesia.)
this is real.

My indonesian friend, Yona and I were talking about it... and she was telling me how she sees me as so many different people. some days i am this person, some days i am another person. She said my face changes a lot too.
"Who is Zani?" she asked me.

And in all honesty... I'm not really sure who i am....

There's another Khalil Gibran quote i love (haha -surprise surprise)
He says:

"Any life... no matter how long and complex it may be... is made up of a single mOMent, the mOMent in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is."

maybe that mOMent is coming for me...

my sister Tia and I had a whoooosh mOMent on skype yesterday. She was in Santa Cruz and read me this beautiful poem she said she wrote for me.

For Zan
 
Blue
 
This feeling is at the tip
is like
look into my eyes.
there.
 
i look to the ocean as therapy
its constant in its ability
to never stop
to always move
creating currents
through moons
winds
love
 
love.
 
i danced
i felt
you were missed
my blue
sister
 
without you i am nothing
i learn from your journeys
 
like the ocean
never standing still
it goes against our nature
 
If i cry salty tears into this water
the coast where we were born
and grew from sand dune seeds
 
would you dip your sun soaked body
into these same tears
days from now?
 
i am home
like this celestial body
always on the go
always with you
in my soul
my heart my love
 
i feel the love
and send it to you
 
bathe in my tears
they are for you
and growth
and love,
and love,
and love.

I was so moved after she read it to me... and i was looking at this face...
this face i have loved since the mOMent she was born.
I even remember it. I remember when she came into my life. and I have loved her every single millisecond since she made her entrance.
i told her to hold on, ran through the trees and came running back with my guitar and started singing her a song i wrote over the laptop.

Right at this meaningful part, the screen on her end filled up with the faces of some people i love so much it makes my heart twist. The Mowgli's were all of a sudden there with her, like some kind of dream magic.
It was a really intense mOMent for me.

The last year in my house, the OM hOMe was full of intense mOMents... tip toes on the tip of figuring it all out... and beautiful days and nights and a string of "the best weekend of my life" every weekend for a year...

And i don't know... maybe that's why i had to pack my life in a suitcase and run, run, run away... maybe i have to go explore, but then like the boy in The Alchemist, i'll find myself returning hOMe to find that i already knew who i was.

maybe i'll discover that I just AM me.
i AM that multi-faceted, complex, energetic chameleon.
I AM that stumbling, ranting, manicured hippie.
and i'll own that
i AM a free-spirit and at the same time i'm like a trapped bird afraid of its own reflection...

I'm everything and nothing.
and i'm not claiming to be anything especially special or better then anyone else... but i also recognize that each one of us is unique and divine and perfect in our imperfections, ya know?

SO i guess i AM special.

The hard part for me is believing that special me deserve all this...
Everything.
All this good and wonderful...
All this magic and beauty that my eyes blink open to see every day right up until the mOMent they blink closed and i dive into the dreamland which is even more magical...
Either way....

I wonder.

Do i deserve this?

It's easy for me to see karma and believe that what goes around comes around... but sometimes it almost feels like too much, the blessings that around to me.
Do i really give that much to, in turn, be GIVEN this much?
it feels natural to do what i do on a daily basis... to shine light for people and help whoever i can do with whatever i can in what ever capacity i can. but does it really warrant what i get?

and most importantly,
do i have any right to ASK for the things i want?

sometimes i don't know if i've done enough, and so i'm almost scared to make these CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS like my angel card told me to...

but the universe keeps showing me that i'm on the right track.
symbols and signs
omens and mOMents of clarity
like the little buffer walls you put up when you suck at bowling... like. ah.ah.ah.... this way, little ball....
something like that.
these signs that say either nope, try again...
or HELL YA you're doin it. keep going thisaway.
(i've been getting a LOT of HELL YA affirmations lately)

though sometimes i forget HOW to ask for what i WANT.


saying that, however, something i discovered when my ex and i were flying back and forth from LA to London a lot, is that the chances of getting upgraded to business class if you just throw it out there and actually ASK for it... are faaaaar greater then just crossing your fingers and hoping that your number will randomly be called.

I would just approach the desk with a smile and some love and say "hi there... i was just wondering if you wouldn't mind taking down my name... just in case you have to randomly bump someone up... i'm a really good person and i'll be so very grateful, as opposed to you choosing some jerk at random."

and guess who's flown business class internationally SEVERAL times?
me.

ya... it's insane. i just set the intention and said it out-loud and asked and was pleasantly surprised to find that it worked more then once.

SO... okay - here goes.

This is what i want in the next year:

I want to stay on this island -Togat Nusa Retreat for the season. (or at least the first chunk of the season)
I want there to be LOTS of guests that want to surf and do yoga and bring me superfood, brown rice & tequila when they arrive...
I want John & Ainsley to be recognized for their brilliance and this island paradise to become an infamous haven in Indonesia where surfers (especially couples cuz its SOOOO romantic) will know about it all over the world and come to relax & refuel between barrells.
I want to go to Bali next month (May) with the goddesses (Laura, Cary & Danielle)
I want to get fluent in Bahasa Indonesia and get way good at surfing while i'm living out here.
I want to be able to press up into a handstand and hold it for a really long time.
I want to stay really healthy and take care of myself.
I want Arganadix Argan Oil to take off and be successful and loved as an organic beauty product... and I want to start scoping exports from Bali too.
I want Tawney and Shawnski to come to the island and surf and visit sometime soon. (which will take my joy to an unprofessionally high level)
I want Jessica to come meet me in Bali at the end of July and i want us to go to Australia together and have an epic adventure that we will reminisce about when we're 90 eating nutella in rocking chairs together. doys.
I want to go to Splendour on the Grass Festival and then go to Sydney and see Aussie Mike.
Then I want to go back to Southeast Asia in August to meet Joshie. (FINALLY... because considering how bad i miss him after one month - by August i'm gonna have no fingers left from chewing them of and my heart will be ready to explode. pfsssh. probs.)
I want to go travel to Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam & Thailand with Josh and anyone else that is inclined to join our gypsy love tribe.
I want us to create music and love and write our book and let our lives write themselves and lift everyone around us off the ground and into the clouds where we exist when we're hanging out.
I want us to find Aaron in Goa and start our trek to Rhishikesh like the spirit guide told me to last night.
And then i will regroup and make some more crystal clear intentions at that point.

WHEEEEWsh...

i don't even know if i can post this...

i dont even know why... but it feels like this should go in my file of letters i never send to people, cuz it's almost embarrassing to let other people read this for some reason...
OKAY - well i'm gonna choose to trust that if you are reading this, you love me and you want me to actualize these intentions and you will send out your positive vibes towards them too and not think it's weird.
or... whatever...
weird doesn't bother me.
just have my back, okay friends?
my intentions are in ALL of our brains now.
i'll keep entertaining you with my ramblings as i ramble on led zeppelin style as a love ninja blasting into hearts around the world with my round-house love kicks, like whaCHAAAAAA... and then writing these blog entries--- if you hold my crystal clear intentions to the sun and help me send them on their way into the cosmos.

group zanifestation! gooooooo! thanks angels.