11: sebelas sebelas :11

**************
pitch dark night

wow I just opened up my i-thing to a lot of 11's

April 11, 2011
at 11:11pm

i turned on my I-thing to play me some meditation music.

i wear a history colored tattoo on my right wrist of an OM, a swedish fish and sebelas sebelas (eleven eleven)...
a reminder to myself of the presence of angels.
there is no more poignant number to me.

and there's a lot right now.

I'm in my new zen zone AKA the tent I pitched on the edge of the island on top of a wooden platform John E and the boys made for me in a clearing this afternoon--- the season has started so now there are guests at the retreat i can't play house in the dreamhut bungalows anymore

right at this moment I'm lying in the pitch dark of night holding my i-thing up above my head to type this.
i am cross legged but on my back on the mattress that my friend yona and i squeezed through the tent door after it was already up, which was like laurel and hardy hilarious.... the little flat red mattress literally takes up the entire floorspace of the tent. it's perfect. my dream! a BEDroom!

I forgot to grab sheets from the driftwood castle earlier so I think I might be using a table cloth right now and a throw pillow from the couch too.
it's totally cool.

I have Tibetan bowl/drum music... ohhh I just heard a rainstick on this recording - and a harmonium just kicked in. (ya... that kida vibe)

the waves are crashing to my left down a little embankment of sand from where I am. if i took one daddy size step and one grande jete leap my toes would be wet in the moonlit ocean water.
above the tent is the most epic canopy of jasmine trees that bloom in the early morning apparently. I'll report back when I wake up to teach when the sun comes up.
great news btw- this tent is nyamuk free and protected! the Mentawai jihadist kamikaze Mosquitos that love me so hard it's like the way beaker loves babies and her stuffed monkey toy... big time love. ya. well they can't get to me in here.
I'm safe!!
there are LOTS of snaps, crackles, pops, clicks, squeaks, hums and chirps all around me in the jungle.
it's so silent and so loud at once.

natural peace.

I think I found out that the word for peace is damaik
not totally sure. there was some discrepency earlier between dohu and rule... but i think they speak different dialects so who knows.

anyways my mozzie-free, possibly "damaik" zen zone tent is filled with all my beautiful things that I traveled here with inside a cigar box my dad gave me...
my tara tapestry... my rose quartz...my beads and feathers... my beating love filled heart


though in all honesty... my heart feels a little scared right now.
unsure.

I feel like sleeping here tonight is so rugged.
and I want to be rugged... fearless
including fearless of bugs, snakes, tsunamis, ghosts (hanturs with no hands like the Mentawai legends say)... fearless of darkness
fearless of being alone
whoosh.

I do actually have fear of the dark. not like, the dark of night... the dark of life.
the monsoon of sadness, the prison of self-depreciation, the downward spiral current that is so hard to swim against, the obsessive recurrent negative thought patterns. the absence of heart light.
that dark is what I fear.
and alone?
i actually don't even really fear being alone in the sense of being solitary and with only myself (I like me) and being single. ( again... I like me. ha)
my fear of others not seeing what I see... fear of transcending alone and leaving those I love within the unknowing...
I fear for those I love because I want so much for them...

but zani... what did we learn?
what do we believe, guys?
('we' being the many me's talking to the many me's of course)...


fear
serves
nobody

we stand in light, guys.
remember?



so anyways - we heard ourselves...

I closed my eyes and breathed. I remembered a yoga class on yogaglo where Elena Brower led a class based around this brilliant concept (she wrote a killer blog on it to)
"do you want to be a conscious servant or an unconscious slave in your life and to our habitual tendencies?"
artofattention.com

she started the class with us finding our seat- that perfectly integrated, aligned seat as a vessel, a container for light and then asked us to expand it.

whoosh

expansive light is in.
I'm so down with that you don't even know.

so here I am.

expanding, glowing, fearlessly in a tent on an island in Indonesia. alone.
clutching a rose quartz amulet from an equally rugged night about 11 months ago that i spent sleeping in a bed of dried pine needles under the milky way on a patch of cactus riddled sacred ground on a random mountain in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

how the F did I get here again?

my life is totally surreal right?

the answer is YES.
............
..........
........
.....
...
..
.

at morning light

I am awake but nobody else seems to be on the whole island which is cool.
I get the driftwood castle to myself.



does this make sense by the way? when i type at night and then in the morning and at different periods during the days and then post them?

whatever.

einstein says time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once... so at least its not EVERYTHING in my brain right now... paced out through undistinguishable time periods.

I would report back on the jasmine, but I was climbing out of the tent after quite possibly the worst nights sleep of my life... so I had a one track mind- and that was this bathtub of coffee I'm sipping as I watch the waves lit by the morning sun and brushed by this warm tropical breeze (that I have no doubt will make the boys bitch and groan about cuz it blows out the perfect barrels that should be)...
i love the coffee here so much it's intense & strong like me.

i am pondering this morning about KARMA...

from the 12th insight:
"when enough of us realize the way karma works, it's going to lead to a new era of integrity to replace the corruption we have now.
it's important to see that the law of karma is designed not for punishment, but to affect a positive correct .
it apparently works this way; the universe is set up to support and encourage our spiritual growth.
if you center yourself in truth, then your synchronocity will soar. if you participate in untruth, then you draw unti your life a person who does the same thing to you, again not as punishment but to show you how it feels, so you can move back towards truth."

well... i must be doing something right... centered in truth.
because my spiritual growth is certainly supported and encouraged.
it's phenomenal, really.


I keep finding these profound moments that paint pictures in such stark duality... as I am on this quest towards unity consciousness... I seem to find myself in black and white constantly... drawing parallels... being slapped awake by dualistic ideas...

maybe we have to understand duality in fullness before we can transcend to the next level of oneness.


I just want to make a point to say that getting this kaivalya tattoo on my ankle was a great idea!
(and i love my tattoo artist spirit guide brother, nate.)

but seriously... I have a terrible memory, especially in the face of uncertainty, and i find that being able to gaze down at this tattoo and remember WHY i am here and WHAT i am doing - its like ohhhhhhhh ya. oh ya oh ya....

KAIVALYA - infinite growth through isolation.

i've got my morning mix playing as i sit here puffy-eyed and feeling rather shitty from my lack of rest last night...
and bob dylan "meet me in the morning" is on...

THEY SAY THE DARKEST HOUR IS RIGHT BEFORE THE DAWN...

wise words bobby d.