the kingdom the eyes can't see...

***************
time/date = ppshhh - who knows, who cares

a few nights ago - i was super surrendered to the simplicity.

i was feeling so clam and grounded. i had practiced yoga, swam in the ocean and worked in the zen bungalow all day on a press release for John and Ainsley.

...which by the way is awesome!

Togat Nusa Retreat is OPEN!

guests are booking up and there's a feeling of allllright - here we go!
www.togatnusaretreat.com

but in the meantime, its just us on the island - and i personally am in heaven just being quiet and mellow, as i said "surrendering to the simplicity"

I casually strolled into the driftwood castle to hang before dinner to find a slightly more antsy, edging on agitated Cahn and Birdie lazing around.

Birdie had moved the ping pong table he built out of driftwood into the bar... but Beaker the monkey ate the last ping pong ball.

There was no music on which was unusual... and after we had a sit-up competition, a darts competition, ate dinner, and realized we didn't feel like movie night two nights in a row... it was time to take drastic measures.
It felt a little like kids looking to get in trouble because they had nothing to do.

So that's what we did.

First there was a bottle of rum that came out... then there was some gin... and then a little skoash of tequila that i had left over from the wedding week in my suitcase. (don't ask me HOW i forgot it was there until we started drinking)...

Yona bar-tended and rolled her eyes a lot as i got a full punk rock education.

Me and Birdie found that each of us had a ghetto side when a tupac song came on and we knew all the lyrics. And the highlight of the night was singing the Sublime song "date rape" in two parts from behind the bar like we were performing... it was pretty amazing.

Such a fun night.

Then the generator went off and we found ourselves in the pitch black of the driftwood castle. So Birdie and I walked down to the beach while the rest of the crew went to go navigate their way through the dark jungle and find their assigned bungalows and pondocks to sleep. Birdie is so rad i can't even say enough about my new friend. He's one of those people you just know is such a good person without even talking to them, and find its true through their generosity and honesty the more you hang out with them. AND my favorite part of all is his girlfriend Tia, from Padang... Not only is she adorable and funny and speaks english SO well (she's going to do a semester in LA i think)... she has the same energy as my little sister/hero Tia, which makes me feel close to my sister to hang with Tia when she comes out here.)plus he slaps a mean cat bass.


Anyways - we shuffled through the jungle and emerged on the sand only to be struck with how bright it was considering it is a waning moon (almost new)...
But the wind that had been blowing for about a week had finally blown off and uncovered the most unbelievable sheet of stars.
Of any night here thus far, this was the most phenomenal for star gazing for sure...

I can't even explain how beautiful it was to be under this dome of bright lights and constellations. Birdie and I stumbled around the beach trying to point out the southern cross in the zoo of stars above us... and both saw the most enormous shooting star i've ever seen as we were looking at the same part of the sky to the south (i think). it seemed to explode out of a black patch and zoom across the sky for what seemed like a full minute, until it burned out and evaporated like a firework's final moment. i think it must have been a meteor..

although Birdie wasn't nearly as impressed as i was by the shooting star or by the overall sky in general, but he's used to it here. Although of anyone, he still has the most enthusiasm and naive awe besides me, its crazy how something so unreal becomes the "norm" so quickly.

Ainsley said the other day that her friend asked how i was doing and Ains replied "well... its just like that movie city slickers." haha.

i personally think i am doing remarkably well - and adjusting to indonesian jungle island life very well. sure i still flintch a little when i see a bug the size of texas flying by my face, and turn a little white when a giant black snake is found inside Ainsley and John's bungalow... but shit... i'm walking back to the bungalow without a flashlight and i ate FISH! (once) which is huge. The monkey is my favorite thing on the planet and i am hanging out in full indonesian conversations and following what's being said.

I still gasped (repeatedly) at the sky that night and i wouldn't want it any other way.
it was magnificent and awe inspiring.
I couldn't help but fall asleep in sandy sheets so grateful for that night... for that sight.

I had skyped with my friend/soul brother Aaron that afternoon and he sang me this new song that he'd written - it was night in LA and he was on the front porch of the OM hOMe playing his guitar into the camera which made my heart twist a little bit.

He sent me the lyrics on facebook.

How appropriate?

Grateful heart it fills me full
Fills me full
I'm alive and it fills me full
fills me full

I'm for today
I'm for the birds who fly away
Free as they came
Free as they came


i wrote another song recently.

...actually its a song that i started to write one day sitting on josh and peter's floor at OM hOMe in january.

i think i was actually playing the black takamine when i wrote it.

(the guitar that josh ended up giving me to take on this journey... that i have now finished the song on)

ahh how i love the full circle...

we puffy painted and spray paint stenciled it before i left... duh.
(we stencil everything at the OM hOMe)

anyways - i remember that afternoon it was really windy. josh started playing along with me and making it way better then i could ever imagine it would be. (duh)

eli came over and she was sitting on the floor too.

isnt it funny how i can remember weird facts about that day but i cant remember how the song went...

anyways - i morphed it with another song that i had started writing in singapore...
so now its like this: (this is a part of it anyways)

i know we'll find a way.
we'll find a way to stay
..take my hands lets fly away

come run
run away with me
we'll run away from running
we'll run into stillness
and we'll fall into nothing

we'll run & we'll fall
we'll laugh & we'll be
as we run away from running
we'll fall in to where supposed to be

i woke up this morning before the sun came up and made a decision to fast and take a vow of silence today. (as much as possible)

it's sunday and i don't know... it feels necessary.

i am going to write, but try not to actually speak and i am just going to drink water, coffee, and coconuts today, as a cleanse for my body.

i walked over to the driftwood castle (which i now know is called an Uma)... and got a cup of coffee before anyone was up, except my buddy jo-jo.
I sat looking out at the ocean and past the palm trees and closed my eyes visualizing people i love in california. In my head i said 'take my hand and place your palm upon my heart.' --- i could feel myself connected, not just in my imagination, and obviously not actually physically -- but in this other realm.
Like my friend Joe Con sings...
its "the kingdom the eyes can't see"

that's where i go when i meditate.

it's not here and it's not NOT here... its another kingdom. not the driftwood kingdom i am living in... not the sleep/subconscious kingdom... the in between... the place where time ceases to exist.
like einstein says "time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once"

and i wrote in a poem once from within that realm about that lack of time - and disconnection from the concept all together.
i said:

"so i can't help but to wonder if i was here, or if i will be then, or if i am here now. and mind can't help but spin circles, like a kaleidoscope splattering confusing colorful shapes against the wall. colors that draw me in with their perfectly imperfect chaos. my breath will guide the falcon that floats above my left eye. it will sweep my lifeless bod to a cliff i recognize from somewhere and i won't know whether to jump or fall until i arrive."

Johnny and i were talking last night about a lot of stuff - time, life, perspective & prophetic writings... like sometimes i hear my friend's songs much later on and i think whoa. how is that exactly what's going on in my life now... as though it was written for the future in the past?

i feel like my poems are a lot like that.

i just got surged with poetry last year and it flowed through me and out of me and sometimes i wouldn't know who was writing it but there it was... and then as my life has unraveled since then, i am finding that i was writing for day.

I'm for today.
I'm for the birds (like me) that fly away.
Free as we came.
Free as we came.

_________________
(transcribed from what i hand-wrote in the brown book - shawnski & nico will be happy to hear)

TODAY i decided to fast and be as silent as possible.

The yogis say that you are allocated a certain number of breaths for your lifetime when you are born... If we run around being windbags and worse still - being stressed out and hyperventilating all day we'll end up dying quicker.

LIFE is just too beautiful through my eyes so i'm extending it by being conscious of my intake of everything, especially the breath.

I am fasting on coconuts, coffee & water on this sunny sunday.

This morning I woke up before the sun was up... i played guitar, practiced yoga in the bungalow, and now i am on the beach watching the waves and thinking...


Last night when Johnny and I were having that conversation after dinner, we got to
talking about lifeTIMEs and how sometimes something seems like it's lasting an eternity ...
(it's usually when you're itching to get out of a yoga pose, come up for a breath when you're freediving, or wanting to finish doing something that is uncomfortable.)

it's when you are ZOOMED IN on that moment and watching the seconds tick by...

but then when you ZOOM OUT and see what a speck of dust in the roadmap of your entire life that moment was... and then zoom back even further and see your life in the grand timeline of life as we know it...

the greater perspective makes us feel like we are hardly even a blip of the radar...

SO.. my intention for today is to be neither zoomed IN or zoomed OUT-- neither focused on the seconds of today or seeing my life from so far away that it seems insignificant.

I intend to see everything at neutral.

see everything for what it is... and let the gratitude fill my heart.

See the beauty in the NOW...
in the HERE
in THIS reality.

Because i spend so much time in the kingdom the eyes can't see...

I am going to watch a hermit crab.

.....

(later)

i find breath-work so interesting.



i love to gauge where i'm at in life using what i call the "box breath"

i take each side for the count of 5 and see where i find ease and difficulty.

TODAY - exhale - was perfect... to me - this means that i'm on point with surrender and letting go.
holding empty space - also no problem... which means i am practicing aprigrapha (not gripping or grasping for air in the breath cycle & things/people in life...
inhale - sometimes i get to 3 and i have already taken all i can - which means i am taking on too much too quickly in life... but today - i found i got to 5 and still could receive so much more--- maybe a little message to myself (from myself) with love... that there is MORE to see and receive and experience.
hold at the top i found instead of being anxious to let go (which is normal) - i almost don't want to exhale when i get to the count of 5 today. i want to hold it longer. maybe here is where i am holding on... afraid to let such a perfect moment in life roll by...
i am trying to hold it tight...
savor it for one more moment...
but we all know that nothing is permanent.

i guess its all the more reason to live for today...

for the birds who fly away.