oh hi, bali ho.

this entry was started a few days ago... feels like a lifetime ago... maybe it was a week.
i have no clue.
______________________

oh man I was stressed.

woke up at 5:30 and stumbled around the driftwood castle in the dark
(no gennie that early)
it was raining and I did NOT want to get up.

this never happens here. the moment I blink my eyes open I say a little prayer that Ruli or Linda are up and the good coffee is ready in the kitchen ... but either way when I'm up I'm up and I'm stoked to be up.
this morning-- I was down and stoked to stay down.

I slept in the bar cuz I wanted to make sure I was up and also because there is a full on bed in the bar.
it's badass.
ainsley and I basically stayed in bed all day yesterday.
there's surround sound, ocean view and a bar! and a bed!
it's incred.
I used the popup mosquito net which sucks and does not work. I always get eaten.
but luckily there was so much rain and thunder and lightning last night that the mozzies didn't come out too much.
I had weird dreams. vivid.
ainz and John e and birdie and Joey were in them. nothing too awesome happened it was just an extension of the day.
maybe that's why I feel tired and unrested. it's like I didn't sleep. everything was just a status quo day in my sleep.
birdie staggered past me, put on a big yellow raincoat and walked off through the jungle towards the worker house to pay Jonas (and make sure he was up probably)...
i got my shit down to the beach to wait for the boat to pull up and wrapped everything in black trash bags to keep dry in the boats.
I'm taking mine and Ainsley's laptops to get fixed in bali.
everything was secure.
I put on Matty & Avasa Love's "let the sun shine through"
and realized I had a few moments to drift off into a daydream meditation.
I found myself in tawney's living room right where I met Matty and Avasa for the first time.
they had come over to serenade tawney after our accident.
I remember sitting on the couch listening, watching their love agine through like sunlight, my legs were draped over shawnski. his arms resting on my knees. a zenzanshawntishanti sandwich!
oh man I miss those.
the sounds of Venice beach coming through my ithing were interrupted by birdie arriving back on the beach, throwing the yellow raincoat over me and handing me a bottle of water.

"he's coming. sorry zani... people here have never known a life where 6am actually means 6am"

jonas still didn't come

willy- the Indonesian guy had told me to be in tua pajet at 7.
shitttt I thought-- what if I miss the flight?
my mind started flickering through scenarios-- what ifs... i started stressing thinking about what I would do... how I would try not to be angry but i would really need to breathe...

My buddy was in trouble in Padang and needed me and yet I was essentially stuck in the hands of people who didn't understand the concept of time

time.

what is time again? hahah. what a joke. how did i forget about the joke that is "life" and lose myself in a moment of seriousness? there is no rush for anything ever.
no worries. everything would unfold in it's perfectly imperfect divine timing and at the end of the day who cared?
I had fallen into very LA energy waiting out on that beach and I didn't like it.
I buried my toes in the sand, took a deep breath and sunk into the now... which is all that eventually exists...
almost immediately i heard the sound of the sampan's motor coming around the bend of the island.

I hugged my buddy birdie who ive spent literally every single day for almost two months with and climbed aboard the boat.
(I can only imagine his sigh of relief at a break from my woo-woo spiritual mumbo jumbo manifestation nonstop talk)

the buzz of the motor sliced through the still indian ocean vibe as the sun was rising over the glassy water.
the two indo guys that came from padang yesterday to fix our fridge squatted at the boe of the boat... i think they must have slept down in the worker housing last night.

nobody on the boat spoke a word of english... the fridge guys up front and me an Jonas chit chatting in broken indo about my going to bali.. what color shorts he wanted me to get him and how when I got back I would surf better then him... ha.
mungkin...

we got to tua pajet at 7 on the nose. the LA chick in me shrug wiggled my shoulders back an inch and nodded one sharp nod of approval before laughing and throwing my arms in the air. who cares?
i got off and stood on the ambu ambu dock for about 5 minutes... everyone just stood around smoking cloves and looking in No rush

I figured i missed it and just sat on a curb..

I kept asking people as they walked by "dimana willy?" to which people pointed up the street vaguely... I didn't drink any coffee before i left the island and felt my energy dragging hard.. one of the indo boat guys standing around made a comment that I was angry... I said no!!
saya capek sekali! perlu kopi!

again I got the vague point up the street indicating that there was coffee and plenty of time to get some.

so I walked up the tua pajet road that i am getting familiar with and bought three iced Nescafe mocha coffees and a bag of chips. i gave the other two away to Jonas and another guy that I had been chatting to but didn't catch his name.

we finally got on the boat around 8:30 and the not jonas guy i gave the coffee to ran up to me smiling and waving for me to wait before i stepped off the dock and on to the sampan... and he put a black baggie in my hand. it felt hot and liquidy. I figured it would be some kind of squid or something that would moat likely make me vomit so I just thanked him and got on the boat.
hesitantly opening it up I found a another plastic baggie full if hot coffee (the really good dirty car oil kind) with a straw rubber banded to the top. homie got me a coffee to go!

I love the Mentawais so hard.

this second sampan ride to the "airport" took about an hour...
again i was the only English speaker on board but totally made friends and talked about kids and the Mentawais and other stuff.
I finally accepted a clove and smoked a few drags after being offered one literally 10,000 times. (kind of like when I learned to just accept a cup of tea in England when I'm offered a million times) but i totally made friends with the guys which was cool.

we arrived at wherever the hell the plane leaves from and I climbed off the boat onto a slippery log, waded to land and walked up to a tiny house and a "runway" that's a yard with roosters walking across it.

intense

Mentawai airport

btw- it's 9:43 and I'm still the only woman and only English speaker ive seen since I left birdie this morning as the sun was coming up over paradise island...
I love Indonesia.
I really do.
I feel like everyone is my friend.

we are all draped across these shitty benches that are falling apart-- facing a typical southeast Asian jungle/rainforest in the background of this unbelievable "runway"...
there are flies everywhere
everyone is topless and barefoot except the police?
I mean- I don't know what they are- there are three- one is siting next to me and they have badges and black outfits.
I think the guy next to me is asleep.
who knows?
the little room behind me has one table with a pen and some scribbles on a paper
that's where I "checked in"
suuuure

when I booked this flight I texted with willy
cost is 335.000rp total
okay 335.000rp. right willy?
right.

willy is behind this tiny desk saying 350.000

it's basically two dollars more. still... it's just so typical.

okay. time for clear intentions.

I am going to get to padang a driver will be waiting for me with my name written on a card- we'll go pick up Joey- go get the tickets, get our passports and then and then get my friend and take him to bali and out of harms way.
it's gonna work out perfectly.
I will be in bali by this evening

then I will get my friend on a flight to America and he will be safe and sound within 72 hrs.

--------

things went smoothly-ish

the plane was this little world war two fighter jet style thing that you had to wear awesome yellow ear protection...
like what drummers wear.
it was so loud it was crazy



i landed in padang and got off the tiny plane and walked out expecting my driver to be holding a sign with my name on it.
instead I received a call in that moment from the driver saying they were 30 min away.
shit.

I was so super crunched for time.
I had the typical 10,000 men surrounding me and asking if I needed a taxi.
every time I've come through padang I put my head down and just say no no no and move through the swarm of men who I can't communicate to.
this time I put on my LA bitch that can now somewhat communicate in bahasa Indonesia and addressed the crowd of twenty men around me

"okay listen up y'all" and off I went in my broken language tirade about how my brother was sick and somewhere in padang city.
I needed a good driver who could drive fast but safely to take me into padang. find my friend - go get his passport- go meet Lisa and get my passport and meet lyre and pick up our plane tickets and then return to the airport to make the flight that left in 2 hours.
(padang city is about 45 min from the airport)
bam.
I had a guy... two guys actually. the driver's friend insisted on coming and sitting shotgun.
(for entertainment value I'm sure)
we were off... sampoerna clove smoke billowing out the windows of the indo version of an suv taxi- bumping minang music with the bule blonde aries leo rising chick in the back seat on super-drive mode texting up a storm and coordinating the swoop.

don't ask me how... but within one hour I had my buddy, his passport, his laptop, my passport, our tickets and we were in his business partner's car en route back to the airport.
I paid my drivers who were totally disappointed not to be able to see the end of the movie I had just pulled them into- but their work was done.
The guys talked business about their boat as we sped back to the airport.
lookin out the windshield of the tiny white hatchback (again, filled with clove smoke and weird hyper indo music) I saw, in slow motion it seemed, two motorbike collide and go down.. our car slamming the breaks- tires squealing and then the impact.
we hit both motorbikes and somehow did not kill anyone.
our instinct was to jump out and hold c-spine like we were taught as EMTs
but our indo friend driving grabbed us and said no.
don't

somehow nobody died but it threw me for several loops.

I was in two serious car accidents in the week before i left LA - I have been on an island nowhere near a car for over 2 months and within one hour off the island an BAM I
am in another accident.

we got to padang airport and made our flight as if by magic.
(please refer to my blog about EWO)... http://aloveninja.blogspot.com/2011/03/jam-karet-rubber-time.html

by time we were in Jakarta my friend was having a hard time so I just went in to oober beacon mode... stayed present, clear and strong... had him hold my rose quartz amulets, listen to zen music, and breathe and gave him guided meditation and massage.
he made it.

we even got upgraded to business class for free from Jakarta to bali...

finally in bali we got to a hotel... the losari hotel- which is waaaay over priced for what it is but we could go there and be safe and sound... it had air conditioning and hot water and room service.

it was an intense night.

I stayed up all night chanting and praying and sending healings to my friend- my brother who was hurting.

I woke up and immediately bought him a flight back to LA.
he would be leaving -- on a flight by that night...

in the meantime, I had to take him to the hospital which was intense

i saw so many people coming in gushing blood from motorbike accidents and reef related surfing incidents.
I made friends with the main doctor named bayu (duh.)
got to look at X-rays of my friend's neck and see the inner workings of the bali BCIM hospital...

I finally got him back to the airport, broke trough security to get him to gate and make sure he had boarding pass in hand.

hugging him tight and sending blessings, I got back into my twentieth taxi of the day and headed back to the losari hotel...
I called my mother and burst into tears, telling her the whole epic story.

I climbed into bed, put on my friend nick "wallaki" music and close my eyes.

I felt a deep sleep coming on for the first time in days upon days..

knock. knock. knock.

my friend was back. he couldn't leave the country due to kitas issues- no exit visa blah blah blah...

i was a little deflated to be honest. feeling like i failed at my mission.

I woke up all through the night in panics.

the energy in kuta is intense... lots of "yes!? yes !? ma'am... special price for YOU! come look!" and people throwing things in your face.
the buzz of the city was deafening and getting on my last nerve.
(something that had never happened before)
I've lived in the HUB of city noise,,, on bay street in Santa Monica and on Notting Hill Gate road in London... I mean, I'm a city girl...
but somehow my chemistry has changed living at togat Nusa. I don't like big cities and noise.
I like peace and serenity and nature noise.

I was far from that in kuta.

i finally climbed out of bed at 9am to have breakfast in the lobby.
my frend yuko came over and hung out for about an hour... so good to see a familiar face.
she commented on my face and how dark the circles were under my eyes.
she had just seen me last month on my island paradise life living in bliss and peace... now I was stressed beyond anything.
(maybe this was the universe's way of restoring balance?)

my friend and i decided to check out of losari and move hotels.
we somehow landed on the biggest shithole in bali. it's 80,000 rupiah a night- so about $9 dollars... the rooms have fans, no sheets, no hot water and basically just shy of a jail cell.
but whatever.
it would do. and 9 bucks is just within my budget.
i filmed a very sarcastic vlog about it that night.


that night, I went and met my friend from padang, Christina and Yuko and a few others for sunset drinks at double 6 beach and then went to have thai food with yuko in kuta which was soooo good.
amazing vegetarian thai food and rose wine from bali actually.
it was incredible (though didn't hold a candle to the green papaya salad ainz made on the island last week using papayas from the garden which was the best of my life.)
we girl talked over dinner and then she drove me home on her motorbike.

I came "home" to the heroin-chic minus the chic hotel" on poppies 2 in kuta...
and fell asleep with a raging headache to the sweet sounds of clubs thumping and drunk/hallucinating people staggering outside my ground level door.

maybe this was again--- the universe making up for the peaceful sleep in the island jungle... about as far away from humans and city bullshit as one could get out here.

I woke at 6:30am and went to cafe moka on seminyak to meet yuko and go to yoga with her.

I had NO idea what I was getting in to.

yuko threw me on the back of her motorbike and turned down all these secret alleyways until we came upon a big steel gate with 7's painted all over it.
yuko got off and reached through a hole to activate the opening of the gate.
and in we drove to a place i will never forget.



this studio is a home... an iyengar haven- nestled in this lush, gorgeous tropical forest garden of a bali mansion... a huge emu (their pet) was outside wiith tons of other animals and foliage...
we were on a wooden stage equipped with every kind of iyengar prop and tool... statues, rope walls, sculptures, incense, it was the quintessential "bali yoga haven"...
and an icredibly intelligent iyengar class that would make Lisa Walford very very proud.... taught by an american woman who reminded me of my pseudo mom from palisades, Ellen McCormick.

after class I wandered around the grounds staring at a Ganesha for a long time thinking about the Ganesha sculpture I bought my parents.
the one i got my parents sits in their garden in moraga and tia just sent me a picture a few days ago of all the northern california wild flowers that popped up all around it.

I miss California but I just don't think I want to live there. I am in love with the Mentawais right now and I can't think of not being out there -- I'm sure I will fall in love a million more times in the next few months but I just don't see myself back in California for a long time.

shaking myself back to "reality" which was this post-yoga blessed blissed- out state in a surreal balanese garden with a guy standing where we just practiced pouring this gorgeous metal carved teapot- filing up small glass cups with delicious chai tea and palm sugar. all the yogis sat on the dark wooden floor an sipped their tea and chatted...
I heard so many accents.. it was such a beautiful tribe, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude that I could be a part of it.

after class we went by yuko's house which is up the road and somehow seemingly in the country-- nestled in rice patties near cows yet IN seminyak...

seriously beautiful, peaceful little zen zone I could see myself living in very easily.
after a quick tour, we jumped back on her bike and drove two blocks to an amazing vegetarian restaurant where we had another delicious meal...
I had tofu salad and vegan tom yum soup with iced mint, rosehips and elderflower tea...

I felt so renewed and refreshed and invigorated to help my friend and make the most of this beautiful place.

I remembered the thing about big cities.. you have to dig for what you want...

it's like Ross dress for less- all the awesome stuff is there you just gotta be patient and willing to dig through a bunch of crap to find the cool stuff you want and vibe with.

yuko helped me find the things today that fit me perfectly-- yoga, veggie food and peace and I remembered that I love bali so much.

after I left yuko I went to meet jen... she is my friend with the yoga goddess surf retreat in balian.
she is so awesome an again we had such a nice time siting and chatting over chai.

she invited me and some friends to her house/retreat in balian. so I am going on Monday! I can't wait to surf and practice yoga with her and see her little Mecca (from what it sounds like)

and ubud will come... after balian probably... I kind of like the idea of ubud being at the end of this aventure since it is what I am buying myself for my birthday and this lead up is so stressful and crazy, it will be great to just relax and ease back into zen life before I go back to the island.

tomorrow I am going to meet yuko and go take an anusara yoga class at this retreat spa place that apparently has a salt water pool and jacuzzi and restaurant so we can spend the afternoon there.

...to be continued. (obviously)

gettin agrOM

gettin agrOM

the first Yama in the first Sutra of The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali is
"ahimsa" - non-violence

the first commandment in the Holy Bible is "though shalt not kill"

the Dalai Lama says very simply that they key to life is to attain happiness but teaching compassion and non-violence to others.

and yet, here I sit on this rainy day... my lightweigt van halen burnout hoodie from Venice beach pulled over my head, sitting on the restaurant's driftwood table with my barefeet on the bench (which is the side of the open side wall of the uma) looking out at the heavy grey morning and seemingly silver sea and I'm playing the guitar joshie gave me, singing sublime & Gwen stefani's "I saw red"
... one more secret lover that I shot dead.


in the background I can hear birdie's computer playing Braveheart... as he lies sprawled on the couch (clearly unimpressed enough with the weather that he started movie day at 6:30am)
a collection of indo workers are crouched around him in a semi circle clearly trying to follow the dialogue but really only watching the images...
I put my guitar down for a minute and thought about those images... one of the goriest movies of all time.. and without a story line what that must be like to watch...

why do we participate is violence?

and why do we even chose to bring gruesome visuals and thoughts into our heads in a place like this?

we are living on an island paradise where there is very little to fear... no call for violence (except maybe a little aggression that it takes to machete a coconut open)...

and something in us (mostly in guys- which i definitely attribute to testosterone) crave that drunken moshpit punk rock energy.
i just don't really get it.

but it must be part of human nature?

------------

two days later.

that morning was gloomy, which we took as a PERFECT opportunity for some sweaty vinyasa flow.
As i taught with eyes closed (as i usually do)... i started talking about compassion and non-violence... and how we have to start by practicing non-violence to ourSELVES.
we can push ourselves over a hump - but not by forcing... by positive thinking and encouragement...
i think i can
i think i can
fear does not serve us...
just as those negative thoughts that play on a broken record in our heads...
it's time to turn them off.
turn of the violence.
turn off the self-deprecation.
turn off the negativity.
and choose to stand in light.

Slowly, the sunshine broke through and we decided we would make an adventure out of our day, which was the second to last day for Holly. (our guest/my new friend)...

So, Birdie, Holly, Gina (the other yogini goddess guest that we love), Me and Linda (our indo chef and my partner in crazy)... got into the mama-bear boat driven by Jonas and headed to the village for a little sociocultural adventure.

I personally love the village. I think its super interesting. I get almost overwhelmed by the vibe there... the simplicity and silent noise. it lacks "white noise" completely... that static buzzing, background that i have lived in front of my entire life.
the background noise in the village is bugs clicking and snapping in the jungle, and children playing in the ocean, and conversations being had from the cool cement floor of the dark homes lined up along the path/road that runs down the middle of the village... chickens and monkeys hang around as palm frawns are sewn together to make roofs.
My friend was standing near the church with a table full of drying sea slugs. (apparently a man from jakarta comes and buys them to sell as a delicacy back in jakarta). they look like poo to me.
he speaks to me slowly and in bahasa indonesia. (versus mentawai... which is totally different and i can only understand two words)...

We walked a little further and made our way to Pak Mantan's house. He used to be the chief of the village for many years and only recently has been replaced by a younger guy that people aren't that fond of apparently. Everyone still goes to Pak Mantan for advice and guidance. Mantan works on the island now with John E. helping to build the bungalows.
He reminds me of my Grandpere for many reasons.
First of all... he has that grandfather energy... you just feel it. (he does have about 300 grandkids i think... so its kind of a no brainer that he would have that energy). He walked up the other day as i was squatting next to a palm tree yeilding a machete, ready to hack away at a coconut to open and drink it. He just took the machete right out of my hands and gave me this look like... NO. this is why i am here. i can do this for you. stop trying to prove yourself, jenny. yes... all the workers call me jenny.

i think one of them couldn't say the "z" and it sounded like jenny and we all just went with it and ignored it and now everyone calls me jenny.

i think its kind of awesome.

and ironic, since just before i left to come out here i did my EMT training at UCLA and the medics that were my skills instructors all decided that i was Jenny from Forrest Gump... yes. i heard "Run, Forest, Run." my fair share of times in that month. its cool.

haha.

anyways - i made like a bird and flew far, far, far away and ended up this day in the little village of Pokorajet on the island of Sipura

at Pak Mantan's house having a coffee with the village women and their ten thousand kids....
i met two of Sue's sisters. Sue is Cahn's wife... who i had the pleasure of being at their wedding when i first arrived.
Sue apparently had 14 siblings.
They are all so sweet and loving... although we can barely communicate.
We communicate with emotions and eye contact.


After about an hour, we all piled back on the boat and headed south to the beach break...
This beautiful uninhabited part of Sipura Island, that i came to last year with Brent and Erin is MUCH less intimidating to surf on then the reef... which scares me quite a lot.

i try to distinguish all the time - is my fear of the reef and giant waves founded... or is it a barrier... something i need to encourage myself past...
OR
is it there to protect me?

would it be showing less compassion to myself to just go against my gut and throw myself onto the reef?
or to honor the fear i feel?

either way -- we were at the beach, which is totally do-able and beautiful and we built this killer shade structure out of palm frawns... we called it "the rugged room" since we felt extremely rugged marching into the jungle and getting frawns and dragging them back to the beach to construct this structure...

pretty much only the cooler (which i found out is called an "eskie" in australia) was covered by the shade structure... so we ended up sitting in the sun, surfing the mellow reef-free waves, trading a cold beer for 5 coconuts from a jungle man who happened to see us on the beach- burying jonas and linda in sand...

our motto for the rugged room was
"Skin cancer might kill you later, but warm Bintang sucks now."

We thought it was hilarious.

all in all - a VERY successful adventure day...

So, as the sun started yawning we paddled back out to the boat and made our way back to Togat Nusa, just in time for a sing-a-long on the beach at sunset with gin and tonics and a guitar... watching the finger-painted sky change colors...



As the night ensued... we drank more... and more... and more...

and before we knew it we were wasted and it was 3am.

time for a jalan jalan... (a walk around the island)

it's all a bit hazy, but i know that at some point someone had the brilliant idea to swim across the channel to the other island.

This is NOT advised at super low tide, i have come to find.

the water was about 6 inches deep on top of the reef and i swam straight into a giant sea urchin that stabbed its foot long spines into my knee and another one got my hand.



(i think this might be the part where the universe is telling me that my fears of the reef might be founded.)

I somehow made it back to my bed and woke up to Birdie flashing a light in my eyes saying "Zani! Wake up! Yona is about to do some voo-doo witch doctor shit on your knee."

She made a needle out of hair and worked, i think, until the sun came up.

All i know is that waking up in the morning i was in agony... there were many bodies and bugs and an entire beach of sand in my bed, and a hangover that would probably kill a small model.

I pretty much immediately sat down on the computer and bought myself travel insurance. i have been forgetting to do this since before i left... and last night birdie looked at my leg and said "well shit zan... you've been in the islands for almost 2 months and you haven't had a bad infection or life-threatening illness yet... you're due for SOMEthing.
hence - insurance. thank you travel nomads.

Guests from another island resort arrived to have lunch with us at togat nusa, and next thing i knew, i was being asked to give massage to one of the other resort's guest.
Holding my head in my hands and hobbling over to the bungalow, i used all the strength i could muster to set up the massage table and began the massage.
i started talking to the Australian guy who i was working on and our conversation quickly turned to spirituality and comparative theology (as most conversations with me do in about 5 minutes)...

and we started talking about Pratipaksha Bhavanam.... essentially turning lemons to lemonade...

i thought back to the previous 24 hrs and how many times i was able to draw these situations and take such a positive spin from each of them.
instead of getting agro and violent, i could make a conscious choice to laugh and see the poetry & irony in the situation and realize that
its all in our perception...
everything.


we have no say in deciding what will happen...
the only thing we ever get to choose is our reaction...
so i laugh and OM...
and wherever i may be...
i find that i am hOMe when i'm with me...

roots

roots
*********
hari ini

the island is washing away in front of my zen zone...

it's so interesting how the tides shift throughout the year and erode parts of the island, leaving a cliff of beach and exposed tree roots where there was once a sloping dune of sand

last year when I first came to this paradise I now am blessed enough to call hOMe... there was a slope in front of the driftwood castle.
when I arrived back here in march there was a sheer drop we had to leap off of.. and last night at sunset (which was unbelievable beyond measure... pics from holly's camera to come)- we saw that the radiant ball of fire was leaning down to kiss the horizon so we grabbed our kalapacardis (coconuts and Bacardi) and ran out the front of the castle ready to make our cliff diver leap on to the beach only to find that it required more of a step then a leap.
the sand was coming back up again to how it was last may.

the full moon was two days ago and I know the tides are most intense (highest and lowest) at this time... so i think maybe things are shifting and the erosion (strong tides that pull away parts of this island) are rotating clockwise towards where the zen zone tent is.

the waves are so loud at night I almost always wake up around 4:30am-- oftentimes at 4:44... (of course) to the sound of the waves slapping against the exposed roots and sandy cliff in front of my house.

the "roots" of everything fascinate me.

I like to know where people are rooted - where they came from, and where their spiritual foundation is etc...
I love to look at the roots of trees and plants (the Aspen tree and the lotus are my favorites)
and I am especially interested in the roots of words.

I was thinking about the word in Indonesian for "wave" as a set of them slapped the island... OMBEK

one of my favorite Upanishads is "moksha beksho bandhaha"
even the desire for liberation is bondage.

I thought about BEKsho- desire
and how the desire for union could be
OM BEKsho

whoa.

I mean OM (in my personal translation) is the sacred syllable for all that is.
it is peace.
it is the union between darkness and light. the yoking of opposites...
it is SAMA (balance)--- or Sama in Indonesian actually means 'with'
same thing kind of...
it is consciousness.
union within

to indo... a wave is literally the desire for union.

pergi ke gereja.
to go to church.

all across the world you hear surfers refer to surfing a going to church.

taking a wave is like receiving communion.

communion.

like... COME, UNION.

(see how I can follow roots through the maze of my mind and bring it all together somehow? ha)

so now I sit as the sun is creeping up over the palm trees to our right as we sit and look out to the breaking ombek out front of the castle.

the Santa Lucia charter boat is anchored next to the waves... surfers are already taking communion this morning- carving down the turquoise walls of desire that form on top of the reef, chased by the foamy aftermath that rolls towards us, before reforming as an aftershock that finally collapse on our island.

the shades of aqua, tuquoise, and teal are vibrant today dancing underneath the warm, sunny morning sky... puffy clouds are flicked here and there bouncing the bright light in every direction... like the crystal I used to hang in my window of the jungle room at OM home...
there are schools of irridescent fish glittering through the ripples in front of the island as they swim against the current...
the view right now is so magical it's almost to much to believe.

how did I get here?

was this all just purely manifestation or is some of it karmic reward?

OM MANI PADME HUM
"the jewel in the center of the lotus"

like the lotus that grows down in the shit... roots in the muck... and emerges on top of the water, blooming as this elegant beautiful flower... maybe that's a karmic reward like my existence here...

I am feeling my roots today.
and i am so grateful to be where i am.

27 year old ponderings

************************
27 year old ponderings

there is an orchid that blooms for one day a year.

this tiny romantic flower smells like vanilla and pops up everywhere the morning of a full moon... it's sweet, divine aroma wafting across the island for just one day.

ainsley walked up after we had practiced yoga yesterday and handed me this tiny orchid, one of thousands growing across the jungle...

it made me dive into thoughts about living for one day.

maybe these flowers are so beautiful and so magical and aromatic because all of that goodness isn't spread out across an entire lifetime. they get to just give their ALL for one glorious day, holding nothing back.

maybe thats why all these incredible artists and musicians and dynamic, firey friends of mine died so young. (that crazy thing where super talented people always die at 27)...
maybe their time was always allotted and somewhere inside them their spirit knew that it would be short.
they only had 27 years to squeeze out all their goodness... and so it was intense and powerful...
versus someone who is allotted 90 years and only give a little of themselves at a time... just 1/90th a year.

but of course, the thing is... we DON'T know how many days we've been given.

the yogis believe we are allocated a certain number of breaths when we are born... so if we slow down the breath - take longer, deeper, fuller breaths each day, we can elongate our lives.

i like that idea. because someone running around stressed out and hyperventilating all day could use all my breaths in 27 years, but i can still have all the intensity and just slow down time.

like these sea tortoises that live for 150 years... they move so slowly, im sure they breathe super slowly.
MAYBE they would only live for a day if they didn't slow down time.
or maybe they are like the people who live a long life only sharing a sliver of themselves every day... just trudging along through the sea.

i have so very many thoughts flipping around in my brain right now about time and life... i don't quite know what i'm trying to say here, because i haven't figured it out yet, and i haven't had enough coffee this morning, or enough alone time to contemplate and write for a while... so i find myself with the tail ends of these strands of thought and a little follow-up flag in my brain that said "think about this later"

still... all i know is that i would like to live as though i am going to die tomorrow.

i think its the best way to live.

why not give your all today? right?

i mean, seriously though... why not?

why would you not love carelessly and freely?
and open your heart, allowing the possibility that it could be broken and trampled on, but also affording yourself the opportunity to experience a profound deep love...
laugh loudly and howl at the moon
dance because it feels good inside of you and not because of how it might look to others.
if you want to paint today... PAINT!
if you want to sing today... SING!

free your spirit.




the last two year of my incredible life, i be-brothered these folks.
lived with almost all of them in one realm or another.
and will be traveling with a few of them in the coming year.
we call ourselves by many names...
younglove.

we're for today.

the gift of memory

**************
27 years since the day i was born...

i received this link from my soul sister tawney.



this is hands down the best birthday present i have ever gotten.
no... i mean, ever.

tears of joy to my shoulder...

my heart goes SQUEEEEEZE.

it hurts.

but it hurts so good.

i have to remind myself that its okay to let my heart long for venice and my tribe and the sickened feeling?...
the ball of nauseous emotion creeping up my rib cage?...
that knot in my stomach?...
and this dread-lock in the fibers of my heart?...
that's just being hOMesick.

i'm strong as hell.
i was raised by the strongest, most resilient amazonian love warriors on the planet.
and i AM a ninja of love.
i fall in love HARD and fast... fiercely and intensely adoring the people i care about.

but like my sweet goddess sister carrie turner sings...

"how did you think i would feel? i'm a woman. i'm not made of steel."

and SO this breaks my heart.
it makes the hOMesickness almost too much to swallow and at the same time it strokes the lonely, longing, desperately aching part of me, that dreams of these people and thirsts to drink in their love and touch hands and be wrapped together beneath a native american inspired blanket singing our souls and pledging unconditional love and unity as the (now estranged) family that we are...

i love you venice beach.
i love you tawney & ski house compound
i love you OM hOMe
i love you bermuda triangle sphere-a-mid
i love you donna house
i love you pan-a-mowgli's
i love you my sisters and brothers.
... my heartbeat.
... my life force.

i wouldn't be me without you and your enCOURAGEment.

i wouldn't be walking along these indonesian sands if you had not walked beside me along those venice streets.





OM prem, namaha

eternally.

it's easier to stand still then to run.

it's easier to stand still then to run.
************
tonight...

we went on an adventure around the island

me, birdie, johnE & holly (our guest/yogini/badass girl who i LOVE)

we had been drinking malibu rum poured in coconuts straight off the palm trees (I called it a cocobu).
with tunes flowing and a gentle breeze blowing through the Uma (driftwood castle) - we sat at the same table we had eaten dinner at talking...laughing... dancing around... relishing in life... for hours upon hours and cocobus upon cocobus...
until someone realized the moon was magnificent and there was not one cloud across the blanket of stars spread above us.

i have this starmaps app on my i-thing which is insanely cool too... we were pointing out constellations and drunkenly staggering wandering around...
we just had to go walk around the island...

a little jalan jalan

Since i've been here, i haven't gone on a late night island walk with JohnE (the king of this driftwood kingdom)...
But tonight we wandered down his beach, getting a tour through the dark of these plants, trees, pieces of driftwood and flowers i walk past every day without notice.
He sees art in everything and its unbelievably inspiring what comes out of his brain.

we followed the "Southern Cross - Crux" constellation to the far end of the island where it drops off and gets super deep in the channel between our island the neighboring island... i call this area "the drop off'...
Birdie suggested we should all swim as the water was like a pool... perfectly still. not even a ripple underneath this sky that held not even a cloud.

I declined on the swim idea.
tonight, I was super clean. (a rarity it seems these days)
my skin was showered and soft 
my hair was conditioned and I had a seriously beautiful white flower behind my ear
my clothes were freshly washed - they hung to dry on a clothes line tied between palm trees in the sun with the rest of my laundry the day before...
I had fresh mosquito cream on too.

I happily said no about five times.
I was cool cuz I was just so comfy in that moment (and i really didn't want to shower again before i fell asleep)

I dunno.
It just didn't feel appropriate or necessary.

I felt happy and soft and really was ok with not getting wet tonight... what was the point?

I turned around, totally content and started drawing in the sand under the moonlight with a piece of coral.

I decided i am going to contruct a driftwood art piece barstool for the restaurant in the JohnE Ocean style and inspiration... so i was all submerged in thought about that...

I was mid drawing, loving life, dry and happy... warm, drunk, and in the creative flow when birdie walked up behind me and asked where my i-thing was.
without even flipping my head around i started to answer him snappily
"DUDE... you just came with me to my zen zone less then an hour ago to put it away..."
I was half way through saying it when I was in the air being carried and thrown in to the pool-like crystal clear silky water at the drop off --- fully clothed.

I was pissed for about 30 seconds.
.
.
.
and then I saw why he wanted me to come so bad. 

STRAIGHT.
UP.
MAGIC.

phosphorescent blue green lights (the bioluminescent phytoplankton) lit up like fairy dust when I wiggled my fingers and toes...
then I started sweeping my arms and legs through the water.

holy h. it was intense.

the water was so still and so clear we could see directly down 60 freaking feet.
the sand and coral at the bottom totally visible because the moonlight melting down from the sky above us illuminated everything.

for a moment i though to myself - whoa...
this is what being in outerspace must feel like.
EVERYONE needs to experience this!

and suddenly I realized

that is what many people feel like.

...they don't want to get wet.



it's easier.

many of my friends stood beside me as i created the fantasy of this life which is now my reality.

and my enthusiasm is contagious... this i know.

i'm well aware that as soon as i left, plans to join me and actualize the gypsy love tribe mission, began to dwindle.
my beautiful, brilliant friends in their beautiful, brilliant lives...
they're happy, warm and dry in life.
life.
whewsh.
this thing that often times unbeknownst to us, quietly becomes stagnant as the barnacles creep in and build up... until we wake up in a world that is no longer serving us. and we find that we have become an unconscious slave to it.
and we are trapped beneath barnacles

my marriage was beautiful & easy... and i was convinced i was cool. happy and content.
until my eyes blinked open to see complacency, stagnation and boredom.

So, I really do get it.

and part of me wants to be like Birdie tonight, and grab my friends and throw them in to this reality with me... 
Drag them out of their fear and help scrape their barnacles off before we dive in to explore this world of freedom and bliss euphoria.

and part of me honors their dryness.

but i won't be dry again for a while .
my hair is wet now and tomorrow I'll wake up and go in the ocean at first light then I'll sweat in yoga and after i shower, i'll pretty much rock wet hair all day..
and then go swim again tomorrow night maybe.

and every day i will continue to get wet.

and I'll try to splash my friends in dreams and moments of connection from time to time but I'm not getting out to come get them and my computer will get wet if I try to bring it with me into the water so i can email them

it breaks my heart to think i won't see many people i love and had fantasized life with for such a long time, while i swim around the earth love ninja style...

but I'll be fine.
and everything will unfold in divine timing.

everyone is walking (or standing still) on their own path.
everyone has things to play out.
and i trust that we'll find each other at some point along with way.

I've just realized in a big profound way...
that
i will not sit on the edge of the water just dangling my feet in, waiting on bated breath for anyone to come join me and take my hand as we leap in together cuz I'll wait forever.

I'm not pulling and I'm not pushing... and i'm not lifting and throwing....

I'm surrendering everything.

personally, i am diving in... because i cannot wait

11: sebelas sebelas :11

**************
pitch dark night

wow I just opened up my i-thing to a lot of 11's

April 11, 2011
at 11:11pm

i turned on my I-thing to play me some meditation music.

i wear a history colored tattoo on my right wrist of an OM, a swedish fish and sebelas sebelas (eleven eleven)...
a reminder to myself of the presence of angels.
there is no more poignant number to me.

and there's a lot right now.

I'm in my new zen zone AKA the tent I pitched on the edge of the island on top of a wooden platform John E and the boys made for me in a clearing this afternoon--- the season has started so now there are guests at the retreat i can't play house in the dreamhut bungalows anymore

right at this moment I'm lying in the pitch dark of night holding my i-thing up above my head to type this.
i am cross legged but on my back on the mattress that my friend yona and i squeezed through the tent door after it was already up, which was like laurel and hardy hilarious.... the little flat red mattress literally takes up the entire floorspace of the tent. it's perfect. my dream! a BEDroom!

I forgot to grab sheets from the driftwood castle earlier so I think I might be using a table cloth right now and a throw pillow from the couch too.
it's totally cool.

I have Tibetan bowl/drum music... ohhh I just heard a rainstick on this recording - and a harmonium just kicked in. (ya... that kida vibe)

the waves are crashing to my left down a little embankment of sand from where I am. if i took one daddy size step and one grande jete leap my toes would be wet in the moonlit ocean water.
above the tent is the most epic canopy of jasmine trees that bloom in the early morning apparently. I'll report back when I wake up to teach when the sun comes up.
great news btw- this tent is nyamuk free and protected! the Mentawai jihadist kamikaze Mosquitos that love me so hard it's like the way beaker loves babies and her stuffed monkey toy... big time love. ya. well they can't get to me in here.
I'm safe!!
there are LOTS of snaps, crackles, pops, clicks, squeaks, hums and chirps all around me in the jungle.
it's so silent and so loud at once.

natural peace.

I think I found out that the word for peace is damaik
not totally sure. there was some discrepency earlier between dohu and rule... but i think they speak different dialects so who knows.

anyways my mozzie-free, possibly "damaik" zen zone tent is filled with all my beautiful things that I traveled here with inside a cigar box my dad gave me...
my tara tapestry... my rose quartz...my beads and feathers... my beating love filled heart


though in all honesty... my heart feels a little scared right now.
unsure.

I feel like sleeping here tonight is so rugged.
and I want to be rugged... fearless
including fearless of bugs, snakes, tsunamis, ghosts (hanturs with no hands like the Mentawai legends say)... fearless of darkness
fearless of being alone
whoosh.

I do actually have fear of the dark. not like, the dark of night... the dark of life.
the monsoon of sadness, the prison of self-depreciation, the downward spiral current that is so hard to swim against, the obsessive recurrent negative thought patterns. the absence of heart light.
that dark is what I fear.
and alone?
i actually don't even really fear being alone in the sense of being solitary and with only myself (I like me) and being single. ( again... I like me. ha)
my fear of others not seeing what I see... fear of transcending alone and leaving those I love within the unknowing...
I fear for those I love because I want so much for them...

but zani... what did we learn?
what do we believe, guys?
('we' being the many me's talking to the many me's of course)...


fear
serves
nobody

we stand in light, guys.
remember?



so anyways - we heard ourselves...

I closed my eyes and breathed. I remembered a yoga class on yogaglo where Elena Brower led a class based around this brilliant concept (she wrote a killer blog on it to)
"do you want to be a conscious servant or an unconscious slave in your life and to our habitual tendencies?"
artofattention.com

she started the class with us finding our seat- that perfectly integrated, aligned seat as a vessel, a container for light and then asked us to expand it.

whoosh

expansive light is in.
I'm so down with that you don't even know.

so here I am.

expanding, glowing, fearlessly in a tent on an island in Indonesia. alone.
clutching a rose quartz amulet from an equally rugged night about 11 months ago that i spent sleeping in a bed of dried pine needles under the milky way on a patch of cactus riddled sacred ground on a random mountain in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

how the F did I get here again?

my life is totally surreal right?

the answer is YES.
............
..........
........
.....
...
..
.

at morning light

I am awake but nobody else seems to be on the whole island which is cool.
I get the driftwood castle to myself.



does this make sense by the way? when i type at night and then in the morning and at different periods during the days and then post them?

whatever.

einstein says time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once... so at least its not EVERYTHING in my brain right now... paced out through undistinguishable time periods.

I would report back on the jasmine, but I was climbing out of the tent after quite possibly the worst nights sleep of my life... so I had a one track mind- and that was this bathtub of coffee I'm sipping as I watch the waves lit by the morning sun and brushed by this warm tropical breeze (that I have no doubt will make the boys bitch and groan about cuz it blows out the perfect barrels that should be)...
i love the coffee here so much it's intense & strong like me.

i am pondering this morning about KARMA...

from the 12th insight:
"when enough of us realize the way karma works, it's going to lead to a new era of integrity to replace the corruption we have now.
it's important to see that the law of karma is designed not for punishment, but to affect a positive correct .
it apparently works this way; the universe is set up to support and encourage our spiritual growth.
if you center yourself in truth, then your synchronocity will soar. if you participate in untruth, then you draw unti your life a person who does the same thing to you, again not as punishment but to show you how it feels, so you can move back towards truth."

well... i must be doing something right... centered in truth.
because my spiritual growth is certainly supported and encouraged.
it's phenomenal, really.


I keep finding these profound moments that paint pictures in such stark duality... as I am on this quest towards unity consciousness... I seem to find myself in black and white constantly... drawing parallels... being slapped awake by dualistic ideas...

maybe we have to understand duality in fullness before we can transcend to the next level of oneness.


I just want to make a point to say that getting this kaivalya tattoo on my ankle was a great idea!
(and i love my tattoo artist spirit guide brother, nate.)

but seriously... I have a terrible memory, especially in the face of uncertainty, and i find that being able to gaze down at this tattoo and remember WHY i am here and WHAT i am doing - its like ohhhhhhhh ya. oh ya oh ya....

KAIVALYA - infinite growth through isolation.

i've got my morning mix playing as i sit here puffy-eyed and feeling rather shitty from my lack of rest last night...
and bob dylan "meet me in the morning" is on...

THEY SAY THE DARKEST HOUR IS RIGHT BEFORE THE DAWN...

wise words bobby d.

.who.am.i?.who.knows?.who.cares?.

letting go.

one by one...

like the fingers of a monkey being pried off something it wants...
(have you ever felt how tight a monkey's fingers grip? lemme tell you... its tight.)



so here i am in paradise... my monkey-mind (jumping from thing to thing, idea to idea, obsession to obsession) - still holding on to things i didn't even realize i should be letting go of.

my identity.

how ironic? our burning man camp is called "IDENTI-T FARM"
We give out iced tea and 'playa names'...

Some people call themselves by this playa name year-round. Others dust off their name tag for the festival and then store it back away with their goggles, el-wire and various leather & furry things until the next year's creation of Black Rock City, Nevada.

My name is Phoenix.

I think i was given that name because of the "rising from the ashes" aspect of my life.

I went to Venice Continuation High School for a semester. Its called "Phoenix High" on Zanja Street in Venice - by the 99 cent store.

I remember that first day dad drove me over there to start school.
(I had lost my license - part of the reason i was sent to this school anyways)

My dad did that reach-around-behind-my-head scratch/pat ending with his giant hand cupping my neck - just holding my spinal chord in his mammoth grip as if to say, "I gotcha, pal. You're gonna be okay."

With his hand on my neck he said to me without taking his eyes off the road,"Hmm... Zanja. 'Ja' means 'yes' in German. ZAN - YES! This is gonna be good for you, nannoo."

I could read the unsure, but hopeful energy through the corners of his mouth,

Here i was starting at a new school... again.

But this time, it wasn't because my Dad's career had lead us to another city, it was because I was a disaster.

I had quit dancing ballet (my one and only dream & passion) because of an injury and i was subconsciously on MISSION DESTRUCTO.

How out of control could i spin in contrast to the highly structured, technical based art form i'd been submerged in for so many years?

It's funny that i remember my Dad driving me to Phoenix High that morning, because much of that time period (around 2 years) is just black. I have little to no memories at all and often i am told stories about myself that floor me and make me cringe.

But i came through it... winding up in a pre-school. (full circle metaphor? anyone?)

I remember "waking up" as though my mind finally said "ok.. NOW we can start being present." a little boy named Finley was skipping across the floor as my mom taught creative movement.

I had gone back through another round of mainstream school only to spiral harder and faster and more wildly and ended up being expelled again.

I didn't leave my mother's side for months as she detoxed me herself.

I don't know how or why... but i just kept on rising from the ashes... emerging from the smouldering embers of my self-destruction time and time again.

I'd chilled out (finally) once i was married and a pre-school teacher... right?

But then i was stagnant.
...and not really all that in-love
and my future looked reeeeeally long and boring.


And so i found myself at this magical place called Burning Man, being gifted the playa name "Phoenix"...

Carolyn Casey says "Magic is the willingness to cooperate with everything."

and i went with it.

I let the dust storms surround me and blind me.

I let my everything melt off... and let everything i knew as "Zani" or "Zan" or "Xani" or "Alexandra" just slough off.


And i became "Phoenix" out there in the magic desert world.

But then... isn't that an identity too?

How is "The Phoenix" of me not something that i'd wrap my monkey fingertips around and grip on to...
scared to let it go.

A bunch of girls from my burning man camp got matching tattoos... Almost branding that identity onto themselves.
I think it's beautiful... and of any identity we have, i think the identity we fall into on the playa is the most authentic and beautiful...

but nevertheless...

I am on a mission right now to let go.

But its the hardest thing i've worked through so far...

Letting GO of my identity.
Letting GO of mattering somewhere to someone...

And just being ME.

Because as long as i am the only one existing in my existance right now, well.. then... why would i need to identify myself to myself?

It's okay not to matter.

Because at the end of the day we DO matter...
cuz that's all we are anyways, right?
just 'matter'

So i know that i matter because i AM matter...

but i am letting go of mattering to YOU... and HIM... and THEM.

and it's really really hard.

So i renewed my subsrciption to yogaglo --- 18 dollars a month and you get unlimited yoga downloads and you can go take classes in santa monica...
(which obviously won't be happening for me for a while)...

But i can take calss from Elena Brower and Kathryn Budig and Dice Iida-Klein and so many others that i love love love.

Maybe then i'll figure out who i am... and how to let go of it once i figure it out.

...mOMents...

*****************
today: a mOMent, followed by more. (it's definitely april 2011)


"i want to be alive to all the life that is in me now... to know each mOMent to the uttermost." -Gibran


Last night i had a dream that a spirit guide (petunju jiwa) started talking to me indonesian and i had to work really hard to keep up with the translation... until all of a sudden it was slow and clear and this spirit told me that i was going to trek from Goa to Rhishikesh in India.

As i was receiving this message, i suddenly reached my left hand out to the side (kind of the way you instinctively stick your arm out over the passenger seat when you have to stop suddenly)... i reached out sharply to the left only to find Aaron Glass's right hand.

i didn't even realize he was in the dream, or that mOMent... but i felt he was sitting there next to me as soon as i extended my arm and i grabbed his hand, as if to ask him "dude! are you hearing this message!?"

i turned my head, sort of surprised and saw his furrowed brow and fixed eyes beneath the brim of his knitted rainbow hat... his face was intently watching the energy talking to me...

he heard it too, so present in that moment and just fully on board with me.
It was an amazing vision.

...i refer to spirit guides a lot.

i don't really know how to explain it when i experience this guidance that i am talking about.

it's kind of like just having a thought or a daydream... but i am totally zoned out of reality and totally zoned in to the energy - and its almost like a hallucination. usually it happens when i am sleeping or resting in that half way awake, just before or after a deep sleep. the grey area... ya know?

but sometimes i'm wide awake during the day and its just a hit.. like this moment when i hear or feel a bright light and a voice - sometimes it's not actual words i hear.. but something just tells me i'm supposed to do something or other or shows my brain an image.

OKAY - side note - this is where i am WELL aware that i am out of my mind - so far stretched into this crazy paradigm i live in that i am actually textbook "crazy hippie".. i get it.
and the best part is that i can TOTALLY laugh at myself.
for reals... i am giggling at how ridiculous this sounds reading back the last few paragraphs.

I mean, i did fall asleep watching BBC Planet Earth: Mountains and thinking about my journey and where i wanted to go in the next year...

SO, who knows? maybe its just my intuition, maybe its angels, maybe its some kind of connection with spirit guides, maybe its just my imagination...
call it whatever you want... but whatever it is, i follow it.

This is how i roll.. and i am A.O.K. with it.

I woke up today at dawn as the rain was pounding down on the palm trees pulling coconuts to the soft earth with tender but heavy sounding thuds.

I blinked open my eyes and noticed that there was light, although it was still rather dark from the ominous granite colored clouds hanging above the island and shading us from that honey colored dawn-light...

I climbed out of the mosquito net and rolled out my yoga mat and then i sat in meditation without moving for 45 minutes, listening to Lalitha Ashotram from 108 Sacred Names of Mother Divine on my i-thing.

When the track ended and i felt like i was as close to levitating as i would be that morning, i started moving and lead myself through a kundalini-ish restorative yoga class.

Sitting in double pigeon thinking about wrapping up the practice, I heard the generator come on and some power tools started buzzing and humming through the cacophony of birds and various jungle dwelling animals cooing and chirping around me...

I found my feet on the earth and walked to get a huge cup of coffee... more like a bathtub of coffee. (gotta keep balance ya know... i was SO chill.. i had to pep up SO much.)

I walked back to the bungalow and pulled an angel card from the deck that Aileen (my ex mother-in-law) had sent me a few years ago for my birthday.

here's what i pulled this morning:

CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS
"Be clear about what you desire and focus upon it with unwavering faith."
--after praying for guidance, be bold enough to admit what you truly desire. Know that you (along with everyone else) deserve the best of everything, in all ways.

So i get it.

I need to be directly clear with my intentions... and decide what it is i want.

i think i am kind of an oxymoron sometimes... i am one giant contradiction because i have so many sides to me... and i am this crazy energetic chameleon that can adapt to whatever environment i am in... and also, because i have lived through so many things in this one little life...
i don't know, it's almost like i feel like i keep kind of reinventing myself every couple years... like Madonna. (ha)... maybe its time to adopt a baby!

NO, but seriously.. I have conversations with people all the time that say "WHOA. wait a minute? how have you fit all this in? Aren't you 26?"
(i'm 27 a week from today by the way)

but seriously - in this ALMOST 27 years
i was a ballet dancer...
i was a musical theatre actress...
i lived in germany, switzerland & england...
i lost everything i own twice to house fires...
i was a hostess and a server at the pearl dragon on and off for 5 years...
i taught spinning, dance, theatre, yoga, and was a full on pre-school teacher for 4 years at a jewish temple...
i was married at 19...
i was the art director for a yoga products company for 4 years...
i'm an E.M.T, a masseuse, a yoga instructor, and a gypsy with my heart beating in venice beach as my eyes watch this monsoon rainstorm come down in sheets out the window of the bungalow i am currently sitting in, on a private island surf retreat that's located off the northwest tip of an island called Sipura in the Mentawais (West of Sumatra, Indonesia.)
this is real.

My indonesian friend, Yona and I were talking about it... and she was telling me how she sees me as so many different people. some days i am this person, some days i am another person. She said my face changes a lot too.
"Who is Zani?" she asked me.

And in all honesty... I'm not really sure who i am....

There's another Khalil Gibran quote i love (haha -surprise surprise)
He says:

"Any life... no matter how long and complex it may be... is made up of a single mOMent, the mOMent in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is."

maybe that mOMent is coming for me...

my sister Tia and I had a whoooosh mOMent on skype yesterday. She was in Santa Cruz and read me this beautiful poem she said she wrote for me.

For Zan
 
Blue
 
This feeling is at the tip
is like
look into my eyes.
there.
 
i look to the ocean as therapy
its constant in its ability
to never stop
to always move
creating currents
through moons
winds
love
 
love.
 
i danced
i felt
you were missed
my blue
sister
 
without you i am nothing
i learn from your journeys
 
like the ocean
never standing still
it goes against our nature
 
If i cry salty tears into this water
the coast where we were born
and grew from sand dune seeds
 
would you dip your sun soaked body
into these same tears
days from now?
 
i am home
like this celestial body
always on the go
always with you
in my soul
my heart my love
 
i feel the love
and send it to you
 
bathe in my tears
they are for you
and growth
and love,
and love,
and love.

I was so moved after she read it to me... and i was looking at this face...
this face i have loved since the mOMent she was born.
I even remember it. I remember when she came into my life. and I have loved her every single millisecond since she made her entrance.
i told her to hold on, ran through the trees and came running back with my guitar and started singing her a song i wrote over the laptop.

Right at this meaningful part, the screen on her end filled up with the faces of some people i love so much it makes my heart twist. The Mowgli's were all of a sudden there with her, like some kind of dream magic.
It was a really intense mOMent for me.

The last year in my house, the OM hOMe was full of intense mOMents... tip toes on the tip of figuring it all out... and beautiful days and nights and a string of "the best weekend of my life" every weekend for a year...

And i don't know... maybe that's why i had to pack my life in a suitcase and run, run, run away... maybe i have to go explore, but then like the boy in The Alchemist, i'll find myself returning hOMe to find that i already knew who i was.

maybe i'll discover that I just AM me.
i AM that multi-faceted, complex, energetic chameleon.
I AM that stumbling, ranting, manicured hippie.
and i'll own that
i AM a free-spirit and at the same time i'm like a trapped bird afraid of its own reflection...

I'm everything and nothing.
and i'm not claiming to be anything especially special or better then anyone else... but i also recognize that each one of us is unique and divine and perfect in our imperfections, ya know?

SO i guess i AM special.

The hard part for me is believing that special me deserve all this...
Everything.
All this good and wonderful...
All this magic and beauty that my eyes blink open to see every day right up until the mOMent they blink closed and i dive into the dreamland which is even more magical...
Either way....

I wonder.

Do i deserve this?

It's easy for me to see karma and believe that what goes around comes around... but sometimes it almost feels like too much, the blessings that around to me.
Do i really give that much to, in turn, be GIVEN this much?
it feels natural to do what i do on a daily basis... to shine light for people and help whoever i can do with whatever i can in what ever capacity i can. but does it really warrant what i get?

and most importantly,
do i have any right to ASK for the things i want?

sometimes i don't know if i've done enough, and so i'm almost scared to make these CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS like my angel card told me to...

but the universe keeps showing me that i'm on the right track.
symbols and signs
omens and mOMents of clarity
like the little buffer walls you put up when you suck at bowling... like. ah.ah.ah.... this way, little ball....
something like that.
these signs that say either nope, try again...
or HELL YA you're doin it. keep going thisaway.
(i've been getting a LOT of HELL YA affirmations lately)

though sometimes i forget HOW to ask for what i WANT.


saying that, however, something i discovered when my ex and i were flying back and forth from LA to London a lot, is that the chances of getting upgraded to business class if you just throw it out there and actually ASK for it... are faaaaar greater then just crossing your fingers and hoping that your number will randomly be called.

I would just approach the desk with a smile and some love and say "hi there... i was just wondering if you wouldn't mind taking down my name... just in case you have to randomly bump someone up... i'm a really good person and i'll be so very grateful, as opposed to you choosing some jerk at random."

and guess who's flown business class internationally SEVERAL times?
me.

ya... it's insane. i just set the intention and said it out-loud and asked and was pleasantly surprised to find that it worked more then once.

SO... okay - here goes.

This is what i want in the next year:

I want to stay on this island -Togat Nusa Retreat for the season. (or at least the first chunk of the season)
I want there to be LOTS of guests that want to surf and do yoga and bring me superfood, brown rice & tequila when they arrive...
I want John & Ainsley to be recognized for their brilliance and this island paradise to become an infamous haven in Indonesia where surfers (especially couples cuz its SOOOO romantic) will know about it all over the world and come to relax & refuel between barrells.
I want to go to Bali next month (May) with the goddesses (Laura, Cary & Danielle)
I want to get fluent in Bahasa Indonesia and get way good at surfing while i'm living out here.
I want to be able to press up into a handstand and hold it for a really long time.
I want to stay really healthy and take care of myself.
I want Arganadix Argan Oil to take off and be successful and loved as an organic beauty product... and I want to start scoping exports from Bali too.
I want Tawney and Shawnski to come to the island and surf and visit sometime soon. (which will take my joy to an unprofessionally high level)
I want Jessica to come meet me in Bali at the end of July and i want us to go to Australia together and have an epic adventure that we will reminisce about when we're 90 eating nutella in rocking chairs together. doys.
I want to go to Splendour on the Grass Festival and then go to Sydney and see Aussie Mike.
Then I want to go back to Southeast Asia in August to meet Joshie. (FINALLY... because considering how bad i miss him after one month - by August i'm gonna have no fingers left from chewing them of and my heart will be ready to explode. pfsssh. probs.)
I want to go travel to Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam & Thailand with Josh and anyone else that is inclined to join our gypsy love tribe.
I want us to create music and love and write our book and let our lives write themselves and lift everyone around us off the ground and into the clouds where we exist when we're hanging out.
I want us to find Aaron in Goa and start our trek to Rhishikesh like the spirit guide told me to last night.
And then i will regroup and make some more crystal clear intentions at that point.

WHEEEEWsh...

i don't even know if i can post this...

i dont even know why... but it feels like this should go in my file of letters i never send to people, cuz it's almost embarrassing to let other people read this for some reason...
OKAY - well i'm gonna choose to trust that if you are reading this, you love me and you want me to actualize these intentions and you will send out your positive vibes towards them too and not think it's weird.
or... whatever...
weird doesn't bother me.
just have my back, okay friends?
my intentions are in ALL of our brains now.
i'll keep entertaining you with my ramblings as i ramble on led zeppelin style as a love ninja blasting into hearts around the world with my round-house love kicks, like whaCHAAAAAA... and then writing these blog entries--- if you hold my crystal clear intentions to the sun and help me send them on their way into the cosmos.

group zanifestation! gooooooo! thanks angels.