a somber kinda day
we woke up on the island today with just the crew that live here plus joey from the d'bora boat.
and it felt a little empty... somber somehow.
even the weather felt that way. there was no sun. choppy whitecaps all day, and although it never actually rained, it felt like the clouds were on the verge of tears and the wind never stopped... i didn't actually mind the weather although everyone else did cuz they couldn't surf... it felt like a dramatic representation of that post excitement comedown time. the decrescendo.
but, if there is ONE feeling i know how to deal with, it's the feeling of emptiness.
and c'mon, this is nothing compared to the things that have brought me feelings of loss/emptiness in my life (i.e. 2 houses burning down, various friends/family members tragically dying, getting a divorce at 26, etc. etc.)
i gotta make very clear that waking up in paradise with my new friends i made in the last week no longer here is not exactly detrimental or horrifying.
but like everything does in life... it pulls at a string deep within us.
it asks us to go back in time... chase the undertow of memory and resurface a lesson we learned along that particular strand of emotional life.
and this morning it felt like, ahh. yes. i know how to do this.
i remember after devin petelski died, i started really pondering deeply about angels and what they were and i came up with the sentence that made the most sense to me:
"Angels are the Space Left Behind"
it makes sense to me at least, that when we LOSE something, there is that void, that longing and missing feeling - often we refer to it as a "hole"
but WHAT A GIFT space is...
In the western world at least, we are totally shit scared of space. We rush to fill... to consume... to stuff ourselves.
We don't know how to be hungry.
We don't know how to sit with the emptiness.
(this is something i work on with my breath-work... holding all the air out at the end of an exhale to train myself to just learn to be OKAY without grasping or gripping or wanting something.)
When i am talking about losing a friend or even just like today, waking up and feeling just a little somber... a little incomplete and empty... i think of the word
it means "carefully placed step"... so i think about emptiness as a blank canvas - an unfurnished room - with which i get to place whatever i want in it... carefully, consciously, and thoughtfully.
Ironically - (or maybe totally not) - this morning i woke up in the bungalow (or as i really prefer to call it: the driftwood dreamhut) - which is where cahn's mother, father, grandmother, sister AND neice were all staying while they were here.
it is called Bungalow Satu (Bungalow One) - and it is absolutely the most unique, drop dead gorgeous thing you have ever seen.
It's where i stayed the first week i was here before the guests arrived and i moved into the monkey bar/restaurant/driftwood castle.
I told Ainsley i would get down on the cleaning duty as soon as i woke up this morning. (call me crazy, but i seriously LOVE cleaning. i was kinda stoked for it.)
As i started to clean the space, i just automatically started setting up a little zen zone for myself (as i really really love to do wherever i am)... i just set out something flowy and colorful and the Green Tara tapestry that Aunt Devon gave me, and my Ganesha head and my Mary card my mother gave me, a couple candles and my bible books (various spiritual texts including Kahlil Gibran Sand & Foam ... duh.)
Ahhhhh --- zani's zen zone started coming together.
I didn't even realize until later in the evening tonight that i had literally taken that metaphor and actualized it. The way i relate feelings of emptiness to an empty room and conscious life choices to fill the space and redecorating...
I am so grateful that i get to borrow this little slice of the driftwood island kingdom... and get to play house and live here until a guest comes (of course).
While i was cleaning bungalow satu, my friend Yona came in to help.
She saw my zen zone and started asking me about my religion and surprisingly, we had the most EPIC conversation in bahasa indonesia about the way i see the world and jiwa (spirit) in semua (everything)... we ended up getting super deep. it was an amazingly bagus percakapan (good dialogue)...
Then we spent the day running around the island laughing and talking in indonesian... i am learning so much.
We went to the worker housing for a little bit and were laughing so hard. We didn't speak really one english word. it was so badass.
Yona told me i should write a song totally in indonesian, like my friend Nick 'Wallaki' did with his smash hit "Suara Alam"
JUUUST wait until this video gets posted. its SO good.
So i came back to zani's zen zone in the bungalow and sat in meditation, speaking to myself in indonesian only.
I couldn't think of the word for inhale/exhale or even in/out or up/down... so i visualized my heart...
the chambers of the ventricles and arteries and how the blood flows in and out through the body and lungs and i said canan (which means 'right') and kiri (which means 'left') - as i visualized the blood through my system as i breathed.
it was a SICK meditation... sick in the good way, ya know?
The night ended with dinner and a hard core game of darts. (i showed the guys who's boss... okay okay... it was totally beginners luck. and i ended up not even winning...)
But i am just feeling so happy to be here... still.
with deepest deepest gratitude for the magic of TOGAT NUSA and the amazing week we just had with our aussie fam.
This is me with Sophie, Cahn's radical 5 year old neice who i adore.
ya... we ARE actually mermaids... don't worry about it.