a day for pondering...
i feel like today is a day for thinking.
i kind of want to cut myself off from the Internet. i want to not check my email or facebook or skype for a week and see what happens.
we only have the internet during waking hours here anyways - so at some point, the internet goes off and then doesn't come back until the morning.
it's another super stormy day.
the winds are so intense here.
last night, my friend joey and i slept in the driftwood castle under this epic princess mosquito net that i discovered two nights ago. its really thick and probably too hot during nights when it isn't so windy...
but it's been perfect for the conditions of the last two nights.
the mosquitoes and the wind stay out and we stay cozy inside.
the storms get so crazy. maybe its something with being so close to the equator.
i feel like ten times as much water comes down in each raindrop and the wind blows ten times as hard, and everything is just heightened.
tadi malam (last night) - everyone was exhausted, so we got into the princess net early and decided to watch this documentary "LSD: the beyond within" while the wind whipped through the room and the rain pounded down on the sagu palm roof above us. creatures clicked and rustled around as huge bugs buzzed outside the thick white fabric... attracted to the light of the computer screen.
i found out that LSD was invented on my birthday (april 16th)!
then the generator went off... and so we put the computer away and chatted for about an hour in the pitch black of night.
it is SO dark on stormy nights. as wide as you can possibly make your eyes, as long as you wait for them to adjust.... there is NOTHING to see. its like seeing what it would be like to be blind.
not even a silhouette to make out.
its no surprise that the conversation lead to "synchronicity"... and the last things we said before falling into a deep, 12 hour sleep were agreeing that
1. we have no say in deciding what will happen. the only thing we ever get to choose is our reaction. (sound familiar??)
2. we are creating our realities. and have a choice to make manifest beauty and ease in our lives.
3. we have to trust and surrender. gifts cannot be given to a closed palm. we have to let go to receive. if we are wrapped around something - holding it tight - gripping onto people and things - we can't grow any further. we have to keep letting go.
i slept like a baby and woke up before the sun was up, but dawn was starting to break, so there was a little light... sitting, to look out at the ocean, i started my daily ritual of sending blessings to the people i love, but softening my heart and melting from the inside out, across the ocean...
i visualize my love, melting like drawn butter... oozing into the hearts of my beloved.
the wind was so intense and looking over my shoulder i saw that princess tent and it was just too enticing, so i crawled back in and slept for another 4 hours or so.
banyak tidur. (too much sleep!!)
when i finally rolled out of bed, coffee and granola were out on the bar and i put on my trusty "morning mix" - plugging my i-thing into the speaker system and finding the perfect not-too-abrasvie and just loud enough to be heard volume level.
the mix starts with bob dylan "meet me in the morning"
my eyes started to adjust to the light. my body started to wake up.
then cat stevens "wind" comes on.
comments of how appropriate that song is on a windy morning like today are spoken... and i rant and rave about how much i love it.
seriously - its my top five favorite songs.
tia and i made up a harmony the last time we were in santa cruz walking back up from the sunset all snuggled together under blankets - before caravanning with all the gorgeous members of the red house and going to see aaron glass perform. (i love him.)
simon & garfunkel break into "the only living boy in new york" ...
joey made a comment about the line 'i get the news i need on the weather report.'
surfers seriously LOVE to talk about the weather... almost more then the British do.
the weather is no good today.
...and apparently is going to stay this way for a while.
well... plenty of time for yoga, pondering, and drug culture documentary watching, right?
i walk to the bar to fill up my third cup of wonderfully strong coffee.
"sigh no more" - mumford and sons comes on next.
my heart wanders off, diving into days and nights gone by over the last year in venice beach.
the undertow of memory pulls me into a night not too long ago - but seemingly in another lifetime when joshie wore his poncho, aaron and amber were in town - and that night's designated crew of love beings wandered back and forth between shawnskitawnky compound and the om home.
we climbed a wall like spidermen.
we crashed a house party on broadway and i pretended to dive into a pool, that was not a pool at all, but a reflection of moonlight...
aaron and the om home's tara sculpture got deep into it.
she told him to laugh and smile at everything.
we sat on the wood deck outside the sliding glass window when shawnski was sleeping and reminded eachother that WE are ONE.
we kept laughing and screaming "we created we"
we were wrapped in native american inspired blankets all night and then i dreamt that night about sky-diving with the blankets as our sails.
i gaze out at the indonesian ocean and then out a little further to the horizon and i sigh...
then i giggle at the fact that i am sigh-ing while listening to "sigh no more"
my attention comes back to the table and i tuned back in to the conversation being had by birdie and johnny.
"indonesia has the most diverse reefs in the world."
"ya... but they're quickly dying."
"ya... i saw that only 6% of the reefs here are perfect and undamaged."
*another point to ponder.... the destruction of the earth. HOW can we be doing this?
and what can we DO?
Cahn has been reading a book called "The Wild" - and as we were deep in come philosophical conversation, he stood up and went to grab his book.
he opened it and told me to read the first page...
...this is the first page.
i mean... is this me?
did i write this?
or is this telling me, like mumford and sons tell me...
"you are not alone in this..."
there are others who ache and itch and thirst and crave THIS...
the open road.
i stare out at the waves a little longer and day-dream about dreaming.
touching foreheads with someone i love.
third eye to third eye.
i get up and change the music to "come around sundown" by kings of leon and proceed to let the entire album play three times while cleaning up and typing letters of love.
i decided that i am going to sit as HIGH UP as i can today and write... and i am going to write with my hand.... pen and parchment.
i will transcribe what is appropriate.
(this is transcribed from the book i wrote in)
the top right hand corner where you might write the date says:
who cares o'clock
i told shawn hannah i would climb somewhere high and write with a pen today.
here it is.
pen in courtney's book.
my height is in my optimism only for i am upon a flat island.
i am, however, sitting on sand that slopes up from the ocean...
it's high tide but you wouldn't know it cuz i'm as dry as a bone...
minus the sweat...
and the slightly damp bikini from this morning's swim.
but, umm... is a bone even dry?
bones are under our skin, surrounded and swimming in blood and fluid.
i'm facing directly west.
(i can tell because of the reef and where the channel runs between our island and the neighbors... it's what defines the waves.)
i wonder what's out ahead of me.
what is beyond this island of ocean-eyed dreamers and simplicity?
the last thing i wrote in this book is
"SURRENDER TO THE SIMPLICITY, ZANI."
and i have
and i do
but i wonder
what happens if i take those irish lyrics and "swim till you can't see land"
how far can i go?
how long is my reach?
what will my fingertips brush up against if i stretch and shoot firelight out to light the way, as i soften inward and call out into the cosmos?
and it just occurred to me that i wrote this to myself:
"feel nothing. we reach out to find what was standing behind us."
its one of the first lines of one of the first in a slew of poems that erupted out of me after jamie left.
...i think maybe each word i wrote... (which felt every time like the words were writing ME)... were written to THIS me.
The one who was once future me...
and will soon be that girl i USED to be...
i don't know for sure, but i think our venice wormhole takes this ridiculous concept of time and plays with if in a funny way...
"Cuz I've been dreaming of the open road.
I've got this feeling like i won't be coming hOMe anytime soon.
Let's go around the world and make it new.
and Oh, let's get lost.
Let's walk into the dark and forget about our sorrows.
We'll learn to let go."
But like my friend Mick said that day we climbed to the top of a hill in Padang...
"we can't get lost when he have no destination."
and none of it really matters anyway.
Last night my friend Nati said, "Johnny... two things i've noticed about your island. two things. and i've taken note... and i love these things and i hope you never change them...
ONE: no t.v. anywhere.
TWO: no clocks in sight."
cuz WHO CARES whats happening over there?
(btw - i clearly failed at the whole disconnect from computers and internet for a few days idea.)
But, hey... I'm just existing... flowing... Rolling with these waves and letting my love spill out from my heart and roll west.
i still have no clue what its gonna hit first - maybe the seychells... or the maldives... or maybe africa...
It doesn't matter.
I have enough joy to send to everyone.
I am happy.
I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose. -Ayn Rand
i mean... BOOOOOOOSH.
p.s. i made this video today - kind of like a promo for yoga & surfing at Togat Nusa