being a dreamer... living this dream... sometimes my eyes flutter open for just a moment and i see myself standing somewhere in reality wondering how i got there and what the other dream walkers around me are seeing when the look in my eyes.
where is my place in THIS reality?
today i woke up at shanti lodge and made a checklist of things i needed to complete before leaving bangkok tomorrow night on an overnight coach to phuket to stay with the yogini surf sister, captain gina.
So, i took my laptop down into the cute little restaurant vibe and got to work.
My friend who's name i don't know said to me "aww.. that's your spot! we should put your name on that couch." it's really comfy and has lots of throw pillows (ainsley style)...
I had a surge of full moon energy and just went for it. BAM. i booked my ticket to India.
HOLY SHIT. i am going.
i made plans for australia next... shuffling dates and times, to coincide with my india flight from KL... Working out plans with all my friends in Sydney and to the north... and then frustrated and feeling like i needed oxygen, i closed my laptop and stood up to go for a walk and find a yoga studio...
Just before i took off, i started talking to an american man who lives in shanghai and is visiting bangkok for a few days on business. Within ten minutes he offered me a job in Guatamala - doing what i do in the Mentawais at a guest house vibe somewhat like a backpackers haven on a lake. He told me that one time his friend got a job offer on a train in europe and she ended up going for it and having the best career of her life from one train convo.
He said he felt like i belonged in Guatamala with these yogis and he knew they would hire me without batting an eye.
I thanked him for the compliment and said "maybe in two years, when i make it to the South American circuit."
I took his info and started walking away.
I wandered in a straight-ish line towards what i assumed would be the downtown district of Bangkok.
it started to rain so i jumed in a taxi and ended up in the Beverly Hills of Bangkok on the 23rd floor of the Chitlom Central Center at Yoga Elements Studio.
A beautiful little zen zone tucked up in the clouds above the business area of downtown Bangkok.
I paid 500 Baht and signed up for the next class, which was to begin in an hour.
I took the elevator down to the shopping center below - a huge department store with every kind of food and import, including a Marks & Spencers.
It somehow made my heart warm to see American products on shelves for some reason.
And when i saw baked lays, it was an obvious decision to break my traditional pre-practice fast and chow a big bag of my favorite crunchy snack of all time.
I paid 150 Baht for the bag of chips and then found a bench out front out of the rain and out of the AC which makes my throat hurt... i realized i was sitting on the valet waiting bench smack between a poor Thai woman wearing rags selling some kind of tickets out of what looked like an old cigar box.
(btw - i see this all over Asia and have no idea what it is... maybe lottery tickets)
i dunno.
Anyways - she was to my right and to my left between me and the sliding doors into Central Chidlom Shopping Center was a sleek, beautiful Asian woman in a black pantsuit, stiletto heels and sunglasses, perched on the edge of a bench like she fell out of a magazine and into real life.
The doors that were sliding open and shut had a screened advertizement printed across them that said
____________
GLAMOUR
60 yrs of Italian Fashion
an exhibition
6th floor
_____________
A black embassy limo pulled up and a western family piled out and up through the GLAMOUR doors.
I thought about my mom and how she must have lived like that being the daughter of a diplomat in Southeast Asia and South America.
A few moments later a silver mercedes pulled up and another model-esque Asian woman tossed her keys to the valet boys as her twin 2 yr old daughters squirmed out of their car seats in the back and shuffled up through the GLAMOUR doors in high heeled jelly shoes. (i would have DIED for these when i was 2)
I started missing home a little (a world much closer to this GLAMOUR side and reminiscent of this world).. and thinking of my mom who recently sent me a mean email essentially calling me a hussy for posting a picture on facebook of my new tattoo on my ribcage.
I got so hurt and sad and totally demoralized when i read her short, judgy email.
I felt like a delinquent child of some kind.
totally disempowered.
I thought in a very pouty, childish way... FINE. i will just de-friend her on facebook. i am not living for her. this is MY life!
i am a fully grown woman bravely charging it alone in a huge Asian metropolis. I am no child!
I am standing on MY own two feet.
Just then a child screamed in english "MOMMY!!"
and my heart melted.
I remembered when i was around 14 yrs old and decided i wanted to be super cool and call my mom by her first name.
She cried and told me i was one of three people in the world that could call her Mommy and please to never stop.
I wish she could see my now... between these two worlds... literally.
Yesterday, my friend Sam Prem from the Koh Sahn Road took me to eat spicy rice soup in a back alleyway off the main drag... It was all thais. No westerners but me. He ordered vegetarian for me in Thai and they all confusedly giggled.
Our entire lunch was about 40 Baht.
Sam said he exists on 300 Baht a day MAX including everything including room and board. (about 10 dollars)
And there i was today sitting on that valet bench eating my bag of 150 Baht baked lays.
Jessica spent 11,000 Baht on our room for one night in Koh Phangang and my yoga class was 500 Baht.
I am very lucky.
I really know how to live in both these worlds to my left and to my right.
Maybe this time is just about not worrying WHERE i stand, but learning how to stand in either world - in all worlds...no matter the circumstance.
just stand in my power and be... me.
But still... before i stood up from the bench I asked myself where I stood.
Moments later was standing in the yoga studio lobby again waiting for class to start, jotting down these thoughts on my little pad of paper and pen... Scribbling away these ponderings...
When all of a sudden a big bright light of an energy bounded in the room and found a space next to me i the lobby.
I didn't look up or break stride with my pen.
He waited a moment and then began talking to the top of my head anyways.
"are you a student or a writer?" the voice said through a thick accent.
I looked up to see a 30something round Japanese face with spiky hair and a huge grin.
"a writer" I replied quickly and dove back into my sentence that was itching to escape my fingertips.
"and a yogi too?"
I looked up and smiled nodding.
His eyes were so available- he wanted my story as badly as I wanted to write it.. So I closed my book and gave him zani's life cliff notes version in the five minutes or so before it was time to start practice.
We walked into the studio together and put our mats down next to one another.
I had no idea what to expect from this class and hadn't even really given it so much as a moment's thought before i was there and the door was closing signaling the start of practice.
A tall American woman with fire engine red hair and venice beach energy glided into the room and scanned us students for new faces.
she looked to me and said hello and asked what kind of yoga I usually practice.
I said every style but I prefer vinyasa flow.
My new friend and mat neighbor Tommy perked up eagerly, interjecting "she is a yoga instructor too! She lives in indonesia."
I laughed and nodded and then took child's pose.
It was only in that moment that i realized HOLY SHIT. this is my first class in a proper yoga studio like this in almost 6 months! i felt a lump in my throat.
I was hOMe.
I stood in tadasana and felt a waterfall of rose water rush over my head, like a baptism... like a big, huge universal reminder...
where do you stand?
ZANI!
are you kidding?
you stand on a yoga mat... upon a tye dye yogitoes SKIDLESS that you helped design - that you created the packaging for and worked with the factory getting labdips and testing for...
you are an artist and a yogi and a teacher.. but most of all... you are a student!
i hadn't been a proper student in so long it was overwhelming by the end of class. i was so close to tears in savasana, and jumped up after chanting OM and bowing with a namaste to this phenominal teacher named Cerissa... and hugged her.
We both got goosebumps and talked at length after class before i took the elevator down the 23 floors in a state of sweaty bliss euphoria... the post-yoga glow glowing HARD off my skin.
Then came a series of big ass universal reminders.
A slew of things that are just so damn easy to forget and so incredible to be reminded.
My new friend Tommy, the Japanese yoga ninja in Bangkok reminded me of so many things as we shared a fried rice after class and then walked across the sky train platforms to Central World to try and get my ipod.
(I dropped it there a week ago and have been having SUCH a pain in the ass getting it back.)
As we walked around downtown Bangkok with mats slung over our shoulders, Tommy asked me
"Zani... why do you teach yoga?"
I didn't even have to think about it. i just gestured with my hands all around my body - THIS! THIS! i want to share THIS love... THIS energy with as many people as possible.
I want to help open the lotus bulbs like Sam and I did at the Jade Buddha temple yesterday.
I want to show other people how to wake up and see how beautiful life is... through THIS post-practice paradigm.
We got to the mac store and very quickly my energy started to evaporate into frustration with the Thai wanna-be mac store people - totally not understanding anything about customer service and screwing me over just like i would expect to be by a street vendor, but not by the team of mac people wearing matching apple shirts in a cloned store of the one on the thrid street promenade in Santa Monica.
I almost got angry.
Tommy put his hand on mine and looked in my eyes and told me "it's all about energy control, Zani. Remember? This is a Buddhist country. They don't want to waste their energy on anger."
I thought about America and how its a competition for who has a bigger gun... a louded scream... the more intimidating one wins.... like in a looney toons where each character pulls out a bigger mallet to smash the other one.
Here, when people get angry and go off, the Thai people don't want to deal with you.
But if you show your heart, they show theirs and the softer heart wins.
I softened my heart and smiled at the team of Apple store employees and told them it was okay. I thanked them in Thai "kob kun kaa"
They asked me to wait. (for a change...) as if i wasnt expecting to sit there for another hour while they shuffled around pretending to be busy or something.
Tommy sat with me at the counter and kept on reminding me of the things i was needed to hear.
He said "never be attached. Even if there is a 'guarantee' in Thailand... It's a third world country dressed up in first world costumes. Remember aparigrapha? Non-attachment? This is where we practice the yoga!" he said winking at me.
Right then and there I threw my hands up and totally let go. surrendered to not ever having an I-thing again... And bam. literally - within two minutes of that moment, the little Thai girl helping me walked up and handed me a new one.
"This is very surprising. This is surely a magical day." Tommy said. "A very special, very very special day, Zani. This is your magic day!"
He went on... "You came to Cerissa's class. She is the best teacher in Bangkok and you walked in with no expectation. You didn't know anything. Look how amazing it was. Then you come here and remember! The universe keeps showing us these lessons."
Tommy and I stood from the counter and thanked the Thailanders dressed as third street promenaders graciously and then walked out of the maze that is "Central World, Bangkok."
We stood on the corner and hailed me a taxi, exchanging emails for the next time i came to Thailand so we could practice some more magic.
I placed my hands together in the prayer position and bowed to my new friend.
This symbol of humility and humbleness.
I was reminded of this so many times today.
So i think i found where i stand.
I stand in my yoga..
uniting two worlds...
yoking the poles...
standing here on the equator...
with humble gratitude and humility.
NAMASTE.
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