INward

oh how i love life.
i love to live...
but like, really REALLY liiiive.

i love pain and sadness (only after the fact of course)... because it reminds me why life on the flip side of the coin, on the light side of this yin yang life is SO good.
so beautiful.

my pendulum swings wide.
this i know.

i always come back to this poem i wrote one time called "the quiet trampoline" and in it i said

"to reach that high, we'll dip this low and in the end its worth the comedown to darkness to fly beside the sun."

the comedown to darkness... or for me, it seems that its more like going blind.




maybe i over-sensitize (is that a word? i dont think so)... but thats what i think i do.
i DRINK in the colors, the sunlight, the love...
i feel like i bubble over with bliss and see life in twelve different paradigms at once.

where most people see a simple part of life, i see ten metaphors and deep symbolism... messages from the universe.

so, then when my pendulum swings, and i fall into a state of confusion and blindness, i literally lose my sight.
and being blind is scary.

i remember when i first got to this island (before the season started and when we were without guests)... we would turn the generator off at night.
on a new moon or a stormy night when the clouds cover the stars and moonlight... it it is darker then anything i have ever experienced.
we are MILES away from any streetlights or artificial light pollution. (a 10 hour ferry ride to padang to be exact) ...

holding my hand inches from my eyes i can remember straining and squinting... opening wide, and blurring my vision... trying to make out even the slightest shadow or shape. there was none.
i was so scared that first dark night.
the door to the bungalow i was playing house in was open to let the air in... and it let in an animal or two.
i heard something crawling across the floor and then nestling into a piece of plastic that the new pillow was wrapped in.
my imagination ran rampant...
my mind fluttered and flew and pictured a myriad of evil things that it could be. waiting to eat me.
i remember pondering about what part of my body would hurt the least to be eaten first.
i decided my face and neck would be the worst, so i hid my head under the pillow and sacrificed my legs and body to the open night air.
(there was just a mosquito net above me creating this thin netted boundary between me and the monster in my room.)
i was positive at one point that it was a komodo dragon.
i have never seen one, but i knew it was ugly and scary and spiny... and i imagined its eyes would light up bright red in front of my face, out of the pitch blackness right before it devoured me.

it turns out it was the cat.
his name is "kitty"...
he sleeps with me pretty much every night.
there are no komodo dragons here.

i found that out in the morning after the longest sleepless night counting the minutes until sunrise... begging the sky to start glowing and waiting in the pitch dark night.

i have learned to love the night here now and when the sun goes down instead of swallowing hard knowing that i was in for a night of mosquito bites and fear in the silence and darkness, i welcome the time when the jungle sighs and deep heavy breath of welcome. the opportunity to be out of the hot indonesian sun, to cool off and rest.
the stars paint themselves across the onyx colored canvas above us from horizon line to horizon line... a dome of twinkling lights.
even on the nights when its too dark to see them, i know they are there.

sometimes i wonder if the nights are actually just so dark because they have to counter the days here, where the sunlight literally bounces and the colors are so vibrant they seem totally surreal.
the perpetual contrast in life.

the cosmic illustration of me.
i live in technicolor and/or stark black darkness.

but it's WORTH the comedown to darkness... it's worth the blinded heart in order to fly so high and see so much beauty in life.




HOWEVER... i only just this morning began to see and realize that perhaps my pendulum needs to swing in and out, versus side to side looking outward.

because even in dreams we are watching fantasy and illusion unfold before our closed eyes... still though, we are looking to it... just the way we look out and see the world before our eyes in waking life.

i think i am being told to turn inward more. check in... INside... and take care of that child INside my heart.

i feel i have been witnessing so much.

constantly thinking of the upanishad "Aham Sakshahi" - "I am the eternal witness"

when i meditate i witness my breath... i watch my life force.

what i have not been doing is letting go of being the looker... being the watcher... the witness... and just BEING.

as i said... i always seem to go too far.
i take things to an extreme and then back-peddle the other way until i've hit the too far button on the other side.

i used to watch this happen often in my yoga practice. being too flexible and going too far. far too far because i didn't have the sensory "stop. that's enough." button in my body.



IN yoga class in Venice, my teachers would come by and correct me and two weeks later i would get the completely opposite correction, indicating that i just kept going too far. squaring my hips until i was over rotated and then find myself going back the other way until i was totally under rotated.

how do we deal with that?

how do we find the healthy balance in the middle when we are lacking proprioception... when it seems, we can't actually feel where we are in space at all?

if i can't feel my body, i can't know when i have gone too far with something.

similarly, when i have gone numb emotionally (as i have lately)... i cant tell when i have gone too far and hit a low.

i think the only way to find yourself and rediscover where you are standing in space... on earth... is to close your eyes and go within.

don't judge.
don't watch.
don't wait
don't even observe.
just be.

find the space between where your skin starts and where you begin and float there.

just be INside yourself.

when you open your eyes let the colors, the temperature of the air, the sights and smells and sounds around you... let them come IN to you.

remain INside and see if you can make decisions from that INside place.

maybe it's handing the decision making over to the child inside your heart... which seems crazy!

who would put decisions in a child's hands?

well... maybe we need to.

i think i do.

handing my heart to my inner child and letting her decide what i should do or be or think.

i think by trusting her wisdom in her innocence and youthful brilliance, she will evolve, she will grow and step into the role as decision maker & reactionary.

so... little girl inside my heart,
little girl with blonde piggies in your hair...
i love you.
thank you for being my navigator and capitain... guiding me through life.
thank you for reacting tenderly and lovingly... and recognizing that nothing is a big deal at the end of the day.
thank you for being able to cry, even when my eyes can't make tears.
thank you for remaining soft, even when the outside me hardens.
thank you for laughing and giggling.
thank you for getting embarrassed and being a dreamer and a hopeless romantic.

you're perfect just the way you are.



love,
me.