"bisikan kalbu"
bisikan means "to whisper"
kalbu means "heart"
so, here, in this place of wonder... intuition is the whispering of the heart...
i found out this definition tonight after watching the giant red sun descend behind the horizon. we saw that flash of green across the ocean when the last bit of sun disapeared. i don't know if i've ever really seen the famous green flash in a really big way... but i definitely saw a small one tonight.
my eyes were stinging from staring out and forcing myself not to blink.
everything adjacent to the descending ball of fire engine red (including our faces) was painted the color of fire light.our guests were still out surfing down the way at seven palms, so it was just the family sitting on the porch...
this moment made me SO happy.
i told john so smile, because i was taking a mental snapshot of the moment, since i don't have a camera anymore.
Beaker, my little monkey sister love, was still down at worker housing, where i left her earlier.
This evening i went for a run behind worker housing - which consists of running barefoot, back and forth on a soft piece of sand where the tide doesn't wash up too much coral.
My friend Tony and I decided to be team lari-lari and run every evening... but this evening (our decided first day) he was still in Tua Pajet with John, so i went it alone.
Within about a half hour John and Tony pulled up in the boat and i was sitting on that aforementioned soft white sand, inspecting the shells i had stopped to collect. I was deep in thought about how hermit crabs were basically squatters and opportunists the way they abandoned their old house for a bigger better one whenever there was a vacancy in the crabitat.
WHY am i always drawing parallels with hermit crabs? but actually... why do i do this with everything?
earlier in the day i got back from paddling around the island and found myself sitting on the back porch gazing out towards the jungle - losing myself in a daydream... remembering things i hadn't thought about in a long time.
i found myself thinking a lot about Susan... my friend and old boss who started yogitoes and inspired the shit out of me during the four years that i worked for her.
i wrote her a letter today... let all my thoughts flow out of me train of thought and ended up writing to her about surfing...
in it i wrote
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"...Sometimes i get to pondering and thinking about what happened... how everything broke open in my life and it was time to leave jamie and intentionally lose everything as i let go of my grip... and leave that life that was so ideal it was almost too perfect. too easy. too wonderful. and somehow i let go.I have been trying to actually get into surfing since i've been here and keep quitting... surrendering to being the photographer instead... and then as soon as i forget why i quit, i go out again and then quickly remember and quit again.
I think i actually just don't really like it very much.
it's just not something i enjoy doing
But i LOVE the symbolism in it...
i LOVE the waves and the energy and the poetry in the art of surfing... i just prefer not to actually catch waves. ha.
i am the non-surfing surfer. the unsurfer.
but last week we had some really amazing surfer girls from hawaii stay here and i got to know them well... teaching them yoga and going out to take photos and sit in the lineup as a social event...
One of the girls in a surf instructor on Maui and finally on the second to last day insisted that she help me.
so i obliged... only to have my usual panic attack when paddling back in...
that's the part i hate, i realized... paddling against the huge breaking waves... duck diving them and getting pulled back towards land when i am just trying to get back out behind the wave...
she said so calmly and knowingly.
"I understand you... and i know why surfing appeals to you so much and at the same time why you hate it. it's because all you want to do is "go with the flow"... and when you're on a wave, you are riding the fastest, most amazing flow ever... you are in sync with the most powerful energy on earth... and then when you fall off or are trying to get back... you have to go SO hard against the current. it's exactly the opposite of who you are."
WHOA.
that was it. she nailed it.
i know i am a super passionate, strong person... i am a blazing fire sometimes, like the bursts of flames on the playa... but i feel like i had no direction particularly before i met you... although i don't mean to say i wasn't strong or dynamic, because i feel i've been that way since birth... i have always blazed... and have known how to shoot up in the air 70 feet and everyone goes "WHAAOOO!"
but i think, most of my life, i didn't know what to do with this energy, this power to burn... and i really feel as though you taught me (maybe intentionally, or maybe just by example, by being you)... how to allow my divine light, candle flame to stay lit, instead of surging on and off... and to let the wind carry me... to go with the flow...
and i think ultimately that's what happened...
i learned to listen to my inner voice, my teacher and my inner child me and i heard the rest of the world calling me to travel it and let my flame spread with the wind... surrendering to the direction it went.
anyways - i hope all this makes some sort of sense...
...
i love you so much.
thank you for guiding me always... even today... on the other side of the world... because you are in my heart eternally, helping me navigate my path, by gently reminding me to FLOW...
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after i wrote this, i sat in the garden, thought about what i wanted to plant.... then i came in and helped yona by working behind the bar for a few hours while she rested... i went for that pseudo run (collecting shells), watched the sunset and then found myself back behind the bar with yona learning the word for intuition...
bisikan kalbu
the whispering of the heart...
my heart had been whispering to me all day.
sometimes when i am teaching yoga, i talk about two minds... the thinking mind & the feeling mind.
the thinking mind (at least for me) is loud and can be highly obnoxious... yelling the same thing over and over again... beating a dead horse with repetitive destructive thoughts or fixations.
then, there is the feeling mind.... it's quiet... the voice of the feeling mind gets drown out by the loud thinking mind that bellows above it. the feeling mind is like a whispering of the heart.
then, something crazy & synchronistic happened.
i decided to pull an angel card... and i pulled this:
CLAIRAUDIENCE
the message said
"you are hearing true Divine guidance very clearly. It comes in the form of repetitious messages, urging you to improve a situation for yourself or others. Pay close attention to everything you hear in your mind and with your physical ears. Divine directives are repetitious, loving, and to the point."
My soul brother, David Block skyped me earlier and he told me about his website "humanexperiencecreations.com" i opened it up and saw a quote on the top of the bio page that said
"David’s music is the soundtrack to my soul.” – Zan Roberts"
it's true.
i realized that i need t o be listening to my music, and sitting in meditation more often.
it's easy to get pulled into the flow of a community or family... especially when they are badasses and you love them and the way they think... but i know that i need my ME time.
my i-thing broke, so i can't go sit on the beach and listen to my music, and i can't cart around my laptop... mostly because the monkey will eat off more of the keys if i leave it open... or it will probably get destroyed... so i think i am going to make my bedtime this "ME time" where i will listen to the music of my soul... my friends and family who's music moves my heart... and close my eyes and listen to that quiet feeling voice to guide me. the whispering of my heart.
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