take it all in

TAKE
IT
IN

TAKE
IT
ALL
IN

NOW
IS
THE
TIME
THAT
WILL
NOT
COME
AGAIN


a few days before july 30, 2005
i was 21, engaged to be married and walking around on a fluffy white cloud.
someone told me that on my wedding day that cloud would blow into hyper speed and before i knew it i'd be on my honeymoon in puerto vallarta having no clue what happened to that day i had been planning for all year.

so i snuck away.


i stood in my mother's walk in closet that had a window that looked out at the backyard & the guest house veranda... where my wedding reception was being held.

200+ friends and family sat at round tables sprinkles with flowers... there was a big platform up above the sunken jacuzzi area with stage lights and a sound system...
Friends were scattered all over the property. Most had drinks in their hands...
My friend Cary in her pink bridesmaid dress sat with her parents around a bunch of bright purple flowers. My uncle Steve was gesturing in a way that would indicate he was telling some hysterical over-the-top story to a group of my high school buddies. My grandmere stood ever so gracefully twirling her wine glass in between her fingers as she talked to my new in-laws. Dusk was rolling over the party and it was nearing wedding toast time... The fairy twinkling lights turned on in that moment and i remember feeling like a princess bride that had been given her cue to re-enter the reception and graciously accept the slew of love and affection and compliments poured over me and my new husband.

I will keep that moment with me for my whole life.

I stopped and i watched and i took it in.

Today it is almost 6 years later.


I am fully divorced (i think)... i live on a 12 hectare island in the middle of the indian ocean, giving massage, yoga instruction & general smiles and smoothies to guests that come to make our island resort their hOMe....
I am single.
fully.
for the first time ever.
and i am learning how to be okay.

there is always music wafting through the air here (which i love love and totally need) ...we listen to The Waifs all the time. ("London Still" is actually playing on the speakers here in the driftwood castle right this very moment as a matter of fact.)
There are a LOT of Australians here in Indonesia... so i have gotten to know quite a bit of Australian music...



This song "Take it in" is pretty much what i am talking about here.

Stopping and taking it all in.

It's really seriously amazing when you actually take the time to stop and sneak away and do it.

Take it in.
Take it all in.
Now is a time that will not come again.

Last night i snuck away.
My i-thing is dead somehow. (ya. i'm pissed. i really don't want to talk about it.)

Anyways - as my camera is my i-thing i couldn't take a picture otherwise i would show you what i was looking at when i snuck away.
I sat there and looked and I took a visual snapshot with my mind and rolled the taste of life around in my mouth... marinating on the canvas laid out before me.

I sat in the sand underneath the waning moon and gagillion and a half stars, facing the driftwood castle.
I held a gin and tonic with about a hundred limes in this big glass mug.
A grassy semi-circle separated me from the stairs of the Uma (or driftwood castle as i adoringly call it)... around the bottom of the stairs a buddha head was illuminated by the twinkling lights inside a green glass japanese fishing buoy.
Inside the Uma about 25 people were spread out listening to our friend Nick "Wallaki" play an eclectro-acoustic guitar through his PA and sing a Cat Stevens song.

As i was taking the visual snapshot he said into the mic "This is journey music"

On this journey i am on in my life i feel as though i am moving through these phenominal experiences, hard times and moments of such humor i can't breathe with the intention to just BE HERE NOW...
i am present in each moment and reflect on it later on... write or talk about it... maybe that's why i have to document it all the timme - taking pictures and vlogging with joshie and writing constantly... because i am so present i don't have the time after the moment to take it all in.

But i realized that i hadn't actually taken the time in a while to remove myself and sit just outside the window of now and gaze in...
Take it all in.

It was a multi-purpose party...
a goodbye to our four guests that would be leaving in the morning
a hello to our seven new guests who had just arrived after a treacherous 24 hour hour ferry crossing where they had to turn around and go back to Padang...
and a farewell for now to Birdie, our departing surf guide island buddy.

We stayed up late late and slept for 2 hours... waking up at dawn to get our guests on the boat so they could catch the inter-island flight out of here.
the new Bon Iver CD was finally finished downloading, so i put it on over the speakers and tiptoes around the very room that had been filled with Indos, workers, guests, and friends all smiling, drinking, singing and laughing with Nick, who was now asleep on the corner couch cushion next to John and Ainsley and Beaker who were under the pop-up mosquito net.

The room was still full of eau-de-love. an energy that seemed to linger in the air... in the atmosphere... or maybe it was the energy of the developing polaroid photo i had taken in my moment of taking it all in...



As the gin started to wear off and the sun started to shine through the clouds hanging above the sea this morning, Bon Iver in all his gloriousness took my heart to a place of deep deep gratitude.... just for being alive.


blessed am i.

blessed is this life.

and i'm gonna celebrate being alive.

every day.

every mOMent.

Tawney wrote on her facebook today

"BE IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE. EVERY DETAIL OF IT."
— Jack Kerouac

i am.

in love.

every day.

i am so blessed.

so so blessed.