there is nothing to fear but fear itself.fear is scary.
terrifying.
its a prison
and the warden is not a nice dude.
he spits when he talks and you can't see his face.
he lives in the shadows.
he is your shadow.
i looked in my book of poetry and writings that i have been keeping on the island... there are some letters to loves and to-do lists too... but the letters to myself are the letters i think i hoped to bribe the fear warden with...
i live so fearlessly for the most part. i blindly blaze into the dark.
i talk to strangers. i love getting lost.
i move intercontinentally on the regular.
i get rid of stuff i love.
i lose people i love on the regular
and i blaze on.
but there are times when i am consumed.
overrun by fear.
i become mean... and i say horrible things to myself. i become self-loathing and worse, self-pitying.
the good news is... that i move through everything really quickly. i break a fever and sweat through sheets for a few hours and then bam. its done. i sit down at the computer to do a design at yogitoes, and would have it done before the meeting about creating the idea was over...
i get WORKED by fear, and then i resurface and shake it off.
but there was this letter in my diary... this letter that i wrote to myself and it started with big block letters that said the word "PATHETIC"
i was so overwrought with fear in the water one day i fully broke out in hives on my chest and started crying as soon as i could get out of eyesight of the other surfers.
i sit there and think about how i am such a confident person by nature...
i can walk into any social setting and make friends with everybody.... not even most people... i mean everybody.
i think i am highly creative and have no bounds with making stuff... writing, drawing, painting, song writing...
and then i get in the water
and every inch of my self confidence is gone
every ounce of my belief in myself as a strong woman vanishes
and i become this floundering, fearful child.
so i got back to the island this one day and i was pissed.
i was so pissed at myself for being so lame i wrote myself the meanest letter i have ever seen.
horrible stuff.
wishing really bad things upon myself.
i found it today.
today is blue throat chakra day.
today is the day that we practice self-expression and communication.
and i made a vow.
i promised to only communicate to myself with love from here on out.
no more mean letters or destructive negative thought patterns.
i fired the warden and chose to stand up to fear.
i finished our yoga session which was around 3 hours long.
we just flowed and intuited and listened to the inner voice... the wisest and strongest voice we had... and we ended up flowing in sync... coming in and out of mirror practices and then weaving our own unique fibers into the blue silky fabric we were sewing with our spirits.
i stood from my final relaxation in savasana, walked in the bungalow, ripped the horrible mean letter to myself from my book and marched into the water... right up into the waves. i felt the jagged reef beneath my feet and i tore the pages and let the waves roll over the tiny shreds... i watched the ink bleed. i watched the pages turn to pulp and i let the waves knock me from side to side.when i got to the uma there was a boatload of guys already there drinking bin tangs after a massage or two...
which turned into 6.
i gave 6 massages, back to back...
all the while doing what i do... and honestly what i do best... teaching and guiding, talking about yoga, guiding them through breath-work as i worked out their knots from the same reef that terrifies me and beats them up.
i stood up to the fear, because i am the good witch.
i am the healer on the other side
and i am lucky enough to have studied with all the amazing teachers, sages, and gurus that have guided me to know what i know and think the way i think...
i am forever at their lotus feet as i guide these men and help heal their bodies.
this is my way i communicate.
i teach.
i always have.
i have taught dance, theatre, spinning, yoga, and pre-school.
i am so aware that i am an eternal student and i am just touching the tip of the ice berg... but so many people i meet and know have been too scared to even go to the land of ice bergs, so i teach them the tip that i know... and hope they'll find their way to the mountain of endless spiritual questing too.
tomorrow is the third eye chakra day.
i dont know what that will entail.
this entire chakra journey has just emerged out of nowhere...
my spirit sister liz came to the island with me... after our hellish journey on the sumber rezeki, we decided to cleanse so we ate root vegetables, and practiced this beautiful grounding earth practice... we weeded in the garden and talked about our past, our roots, our families... and i dreamt of earthquakes.
day two we sang to the sun... we ate sun-dried bananas and pineapples... we bathed in yellow light and did candlelit kundalini visualizing ourselves infused by the fire of the solar plexus.
(oh... btw - we decided that we are super orange, sacral chakra women... so we didnt need a lot of work on it... its constant... intertwined in everything we do... so day two we skipped to yellow.)
day three we did a heart practice... deep backbends... green mossy mediations... then i cuddled up on the couch and watched seven years in tibet as the rain came down. when the sun came up we collected pieces of shells and coral and made a little love zone on the beach for ainz. we were to full of love. we decided to stealth mission hug everyone on the island... i think i did it.
today was the blue light. ainz even threw a blue skirt at me after dinner.
everyone is a part of this cleanse.
i was reading this morning about anger... and thought about this letter i wrote to someone so long ago.
respecting the person to whom i wrote this letter, i will edit it down... but essentially... this is what it said:
"We all loose our way
Even a soul that's been found
Even the buddha himself
Year after transformative year, i keep getting lost
Probably because I go too far with every single thing.
Where there is the smallest amount of elasticity I find a way to stretch it around the earth twelve times...
But i like getting lost
I've said that many times when I've found myself in a forgein place.
I like to wander around a city I don't know and sometimes I even spin myself around with a blindfold on and see where I end up
I ride a city bus to nowhere and then push the bell and get off when I don't recognize a thing.
I'm not totally sure why
Maybe I like the challange...
To place myself in the unknown and then decipher which puzzle pieces to shift around until I recognize the image I'm looking at.
But that's the thing-- I PUT myself there and somehow know that its a game.
What happens when its my life?
... And not deliberate?
Maybe these games I play are like learning games for kids to learn deductive reasoning that they'll use later...
Or those horrid word problems in a math class... We're unintentionally learning the skills we'll use later on when trying to do our taxes at 35.
I have to remember I am trained for this getting lost business..
I hold the key- the skills to work my way out of these terrifying, lost black holes I fall into time after time...
I got lost in marriage and you brought me out... Took me towards the light. Though we took each-other there.
Hand in hand, side by side, guiding one another in sync.
That was our purpose as cosmic soul partners and light seekers.
We were moths that went TOO FAR
and my skin began to burn.
we flew too close to the sun.
And blinded by the light I couldn't see and panicked and lost my way.
I lost myself in you
In us
In light
In love
In all that we were
Who knew a divine light could blind you?
And now I've found my feet back on earth in familiar territory... And my scorched skin is healing, and my eyelids are beginning to open once again.
But you hurt me so badly.
When I lost myself in our light, I lost my anger.
I forgot that it is human to get mad.
I was so far gone, stretched so far into our love paradigm that I had convinced myself that love was all there is.
And that to be angry would be hypocritical, sacreligious even to who I was and this path I blindly walked...
I walked too far.
and now i see...
and my eyes are blinking open for the first time in months to see the destruction and aftermath..."
.... it went on.
i let myself get angry.
it was empowering.
i read that letter to a mutual friend but never gave it to the intended recipient, but i didn't need to. it was to live in my life of letters unsent.
more then 6 months later, finding that letter i was empowered again.
i felt the yellow light of my solar plexus chakra growing... my personal power.
and i felt the blue light of my throat chakra so present and bright.
then liz took a photo of me in the little love den we were creating, and swear to god... this is it...
the light of the blue and yellow chakras are present in the photo.
it blew my mind.
-----
(two days later)
the next day was third eye chakra... we intuited our practice once again and listened to the divine teacher within... we went into the water and i tried to learn how to use a stand-up paddle board.
i ended up learning how to do a headstand on it before i could stand up and paddle.
this is so typical of me.
sometimes i think i was built upside down.
we found ourselves in the water floating on our boards and talking about psychic intuition and mental illness.. and how i truly believe that those with "mental illness" are closer to God.
in India they are called "God Mad"
i know that drug induced psychosis can be different... but sometime people with that hyper connected open channel are communicating with beings on all planes.
not just this one that we normies see.
(haha.. see how i made you think i was a "normie"... :)
i spent the evening thinking, teaching, and talking deeply.
we had guests come to the island off a boat and after two massages i found myself in a deep conversation with an australian wine maker who lives in germany.
i knew he got what i was saying so i delved in and blasted him with yoga philosophy 101... through the eight limbs and onward...
sharing my philosophy and being present.
presence is such a gift.
today is OM.
well... every day is OM.
but today is the 7th crown chakra...
the thousand petaled lotus unfolding on the crown.
samadhi.
we sat in meditation surrounded in white light and i felt the totem pole of clear chakra lights stacked beneath me and i felt infinite space above me and around me... and pink flowers literally started blooming all over the island this morning... right beneath us. springing to life to mirror the thousand petaled lotus blooming on our crowns.
and i remembered that we are CREATING this reality.
i can make obstacles for myself.
i can say i don't have enough money for that
or i can say i'm too scared of this...
but at the end of the day the only thing holding me back are the reigns i place upon my own shoulders.
so i get to create what i want... it's just all about setting clear intentions and making it real.
easy as that.
(oh... and be good and compassionate and honest too.)
LAM.VAM.RAM.YUM.HUM.KESHAM.OM
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