in-flight entertainment

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10:30 pm - march 3 2011

I am marching
Though I sit in seat 57A
clutching my rose quartz with clammy palms and reminding my lungs to breathe..
My mind marches to the tempo of a soldier.
I'm a warrior in this army of love ninjas
I am BRAVE eventhough I'm nervous and afraid
I am strong eventhough my knees buckle when I try to stand up
but I am protected
I am awake and aware...
and I am untouchable because I wrapped my soul in sage smoke the night I spun a vortex around myself in the streets of Venice as the sun rose slowly over the palm frawns and the breeze carried the billowing smoke from 6th street towards the ocean.

tonight at the impromptu leaving party at om home i found a card that I was given at salsa dancing class a few years ago.
(I loved salsa class! I totally went alone for like 8 months- before I even ever went to burning man)
ironically somehow it's a business card for fire-dancing that I held on to - and on on the back I drew the Sanskrit word "kaivalya" which nate tattooed on my ankle, sitting on the OM home stooplast month this one perfect afternoon before we drove to Santa Cruz with david block, peter and josh.
that was probably the best roAdtrip of my life- which is a big thing so say since I have had some reeeeediculous ones
but last month.... these men i love...
who love me.
who i see my reflection in.
who get as excited as i do for a fungday caravan up the coast to buddha pfieffer keller beach to see how round the earth is at banana oclock!
my little convertible with pete in back & nate filming out the top - driving tandum with josh & david block in nate's truck.
it just was so beautiful and symbollic, crossing the eucalyptus/cyprus/pine line where the smells pull me into the undertow of memory- and there I was sporting kaivalya on my ankle!

Big Sur Beach Vibes from Nate on Vimeo.

then tonight I found the drawing on the back of the card i wrote the definition out underneath the symbol:
kaivalya
1. detatchment of the prakritii from purusha.
emancipation of the soul.
2. identification with the supreme spirit. continuous samadhi
3. prefect isolation
4. transcendental state of absolute independence

Erin texted me right before I turned off my phone and said "you are finally free"
dude.

Jamie never wanted to take salsa class. I begged pitifully for a few years and finally said F it and went alone!

same story with burning man- and l just can't even fathom what my life would look like had I not just charged it and gone it alone.

"hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the key to life."
- the psychics at spirit wind cafe gifted me that proverb at the burn this year.

I am no longer deferring hope.

I am blindly and courageously walking into the dark and trusting in the loving, abundant arms of this universe to hold me and catch me and take care of me.
and take me.
everywhere.

I wouldn't be here though, without my tribe and the overwhelming enCOURAGEment... the ever present challenge to be as bright as we are. to live fully and fearlessly... and exactly like my parents always taught me and stressed as the most important part: be unique.

I'm so moved by the swelling of gratitude inside of me.

I am going to rest. try to sleep and remember my dreams.

then I'll wake up and read "the twelth insight" and eat apples.

I forgot to book a special meal for this flight...
fail.
it's ok.
I ate my feelings before I left (joshie said he did too)
last time erin and i went to indo the term "fappy" was coined-- when youre fat and happy.
tonight i felt "fessed"- fat and stressed.
strangely, my grandma used to say 'if ya want to loose a couple pounds' just eat apples."
and the stewardess said she was sorry, there were no extra vegetarian meals and no gluten free options - but she could bring me apples throughout the flight. I said duh.
15 hour flight - at least 3 apples should do me just fine.

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1:30am

i fell right asleep after writing that and slept for three hours - only opening my eyes when I needed to restart the playlist - which is just "returning" by Jennifer berezan over and over and over.
I'm in a trance.
so chill.
I woke up to stand up and stretch, eat an apple and I'm goin back into the hive.
my spirit bees are asleep and blissfully dreaming of flowers full of synchronectar.
this neck pillow- clutch.
the fact that nobody is sitting next to me: beyond clutch.
I have contemplated watching a movie- but I love this spirit vibe goin on right now.

the music sings "returning home: to the mother of us all"

over and over and over.

I am headed to her womb.
lush and abundant, where life grows. where conditions are intense- where passion and heat create- and all is born.
The Mentawais - mother earth's womb

Venice is her iris.

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6:40pm

woke up again. same deal. pee. eat an apple. write on this i-thing of mine...

seems like i am sleeping this flight away like a champ. I have literally done nothing but sleep and listen to returning on repeat for 8+ hours
... returning to the mother of us all.
we ARE our mother just as we are the all.
emerging from this sea of oneness for the sole purpose to
love.
create.
feel.

I am feeling another nap coming on.

welcome to zan's zen zone.

this chapter of my life I am embarking on is the meditation chapter.
I have to keep framing it in my head that I am going on. a priestess sabbatical.
celibacy. reflection. contemplation. AUM

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10:15am- which is actually 2:13am local time in hong kong!

I'm just 3 short hours from stepping into Asia.
man, I am such a good traveller.
I didn't even take a Xanax or melatonin or anything.
i just somehow was able to sleep forEVER.
I think my life has just been so emotionally charged these last few weeks... I am ready for rest.

I told josh yesterday that I feel like I've had "the best weekend ever" every single weekend for a year!
I mean, how beautiful is that?

what a seriously amazing community we have.
so blessed

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11:11

obviously.

my eyes of course pop open to see it.
but that's still LA time

I am slowly detaching.
it might take a while before I'm awakening to see my reminder of angelic presence on the clocks in Asia... but then again, can angels even read time?

I watched some vlogs we've all made on my i-thing.
one is in Santa cruz last weekend with Tia, Aaron Glass and Amber - walking in east cliff in Santa Cruz to watch the sunset. someone asked where to go when the clouds disappear

i immediately started writing down the start of a poem...

where do you go when the clouds disappear?
do you search for the home that never changes?

the fallen pine needle path.

broken arrows point to the cliff that exists only so that you will howl from it...

my angels march beside me on this flight.
like statues fiercely standing upon the wing to my left
unmoving
unaffected by the lightning storm and freezing winds that blow
because we are headed to paradise
and this is all I know

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5:30am + 1 day

okay- I'm calling it 5:30am- because that's what time it is here in hong kong.
I spent the last 45 min of the flight talking to the nice, cross-eyed australian I.T guy sitting one seat over.
the seat between us was the only empty seat on the flight since the tv didn't work.
but really I knew it was because my angels needed some extra legroom

Aussie man, who's name I never got knew all about Singapore and gave me some tips where to stay and what to do when I get there. we talked a lot about backpacking and traveling and synchronocity.
the traveller community is incredible... I feel like they're a tribe of beings who vibe out in the way the Venice, Santa Cruz, Topanga, Santa Fe, Austin, Portland peeps do.
love people

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9:08am - march 5 2011

I'm now on the next plane en route to Singapore. listening to Leonard Cohen and just inspired as hell to sit on the beach and write a song when i get to indo!

hong kong was bad ass

I never left the airport
I smiled and laughed and loved people all over hk int
I lay on the floor with my feet up the wall
I danced to blasting music
I wrote emails
I skyped loved ones
I did yoga
I breathed in the healing love of the universe, bought an i-thing cover/protector (crucial being that I am Zanimal Aka destructo)... also got three really cool looking body oils and tiger balm type things for giving massages. can't read a word on the packages which for some reason I really like.
it's like, the packages can't tell me what the stuff inside does, it's up to me and whatever I intend for it. right?

I can't wait to dive into the Indian ocean and swim around for hours until my fingertips wrinkle and my eyes burn and my lungs shudder like Abby when she is half asleep, half in bliss, draped across someone she loves.
she is such an elephant seal!
I am gonna miss Abby and Mowgli more then anyone probably- only because I can't email them.
well... I guess I did make them both facebook accounts! hahaha

p.s. monsters of folk? ya. real good. reeeeeal good

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11:11am

I'm good
right on target.
fell asleep and awoke suddenly to see the blinking screen before my eyes read
"time at origin: 11:11"
"time at destination: 11:11"

angels are on it with the time change.

I'm above ho chi minh city right now... so i guess that's a little new and bot so typical for a Saturday.

in front of me on the pull out seat tray is:

• "the twelfth insight" by James redfield c/o Brittany Berman
• my rose quartz amulet c/o Santa Fe goddess adventure with Erin Gomez
• my i-thing c/o an afternoon with the MADiphorical travel ninja mike
• earbuds c/o josh hogan being the best f-ing friend ever
• and a coffee which is yet to be empty thanks to Cathay pacific airways (worst airline I've been on thus far- but all points are 100% made up for by the endless coffee vibe. I'm soooo not mad about this part of the adventure!)

it's funny how all along the way I see stuff and think to myself "oh sheeeeeit... Jessica would LOVE this."
"omg I wish Laura were here with me to see that happen"
or instinctively pick up my phone to text spencie with some made up amalgamation of words and a ridiculous anecdote he'd appreciate.

It's how I've always been. I want to share the awe and then some! but I think this chapter is also abot just experiencing things for me and not needing to share constantly.
but obviously I am journalling all of this right now soooo fail on that thought I guess.
hahah
shut up

one hour til singapore.