11: sebelas sebelas :11

**************
pitch dark night

wow I just opened up my i-thing to a lot of 11's

April 11, 2011
at 11:11pm

i turned on my I-thing to play me some meditation music.

i wear a history colored tattoo on my right wrist of an OM, a swedish fish and sebelas sebelas (eleven eleven)...
a reminder to myself of the presence of angels.
there is no more poignant number to me.

and there's a lot right now.

I'm in my new zen zone AKA the tent I pitched on the edge of the island on top of a wooden platform John E and the boys made for me in a clearing this afternoon--- the season has started so now there are guests at the retreat i can't play house in the dreamhut bungalows anymore

right at this moment I'm lying in the pitch dark of night holding my i-thing up above my head to type this.
i am cross legged but on my back on the mattress that my friend yona and i squeezed through the tent door after it was already up, which was like laurel and hardy hilarious.... the little flat red mattress literally takes up the entire floorspace of the tent. it's perfect. my dream! a BEDroom!

I forgot to grab sheets from the driftwood castle earlier so I think I might be using a table cloth right now and a throw pillow from the couch too.
it's totally cool.

I have Tibetan bowl/drum music... ohhh I just heard a rainstick on this recording - and a harmonium just kicked in. (ya... that kida vibe)

the waves are crashing to my left down a little embankment of sand from where I am. if i took one daddy size step and one grande jete leap my toes would be wet in the moonlit ocean water.
above the tent is the most epic canopy of jasmine trees that bloom in the early morning apparently. I'll report back when I wake up to teach when the sun comes up.
great news btw- this tent is nyamuk free and protected! the Mentawai jihadist kamikaze Mosquitos that love me so hard it's like the way beaker loves babies and her stuffed monkey toy... big time love. ya. well they can't get to me in here.
I'm safe!!
there are LOTS of snaps, crackles, pops, clicks, squeaks, hums and chirps all around me in the jungle.
it's so silent and so loud at once.

natural peace.

I think I found out that the word for peace is damaik
not totally sure. there was some discrepency earlier between dohu and rule... but i think they speak different dialects so who knows.

anyways my mozzie-free, possibly "damaik" zen zone tent is filled with all my beautiful things that I traveled here with inside a cigar box my dad gave me...
my tara tapestry... my rose quartz...my beads and feathers... my beating love filled heart


though in all honesty... my heart feels a little scared right now.
unsure.

I feel like sleeping here tonight is so rugged.
and I want to be rugged... fearless
including fearless of bugs, snakes, tsunamis, ghosts (hanturs with no hands like the Mentawai legends say)... fearless of darkness
fearless of being alone
whoosh.

I do actually have fear of the dark. not like, the dark of night... the dark of life.
the monsoon of sadness, the prison of self-depreciation, the downward spiral current that is so hard to swim against, the obsessive recurrent negative thought patterns. the absence of heart light.
that dark is what I fear.
and alone?
i actually don't even really fear being alone in the sense of being solitary and with only myself (I like me) and being single. ( again... I like me. ha)
my fear of others not seeing what I see... fear of transcending alone and leaving those I love within the unknowing...
I fear for those I love because I want so much for them...

but zani... what did we learn?
what do we believe, guys?
('we' being the many me's talking to the many me's of course)...


fear
serves
nobody

we stand in light, guys.
remember?



so anyways - we heard ourselves...

I closed my eyes and breathed. I remembered a yoga class on yogaglo where Elena Brower led a class based around this brilliant concept (she wrote a killer blog on it to)
"do you want to be a conscious servant or an unconscious slave in your life and to our habitual tendencies?"
artofattention.com

she started the class with us finding our seat- that perfectly integrated, aligned seat as a vessel, a container for light and then asked us to expand it.

whoosh

expansive light is in.
I'm so down with that you don't even know.

so here I am.

expanding, glowing, fearlessly in a tent on an island in Indonesia. alone.
clutching a rose quartz amulet from an equally rugged night about 11 months ago that i spent sleeping in a bed of dried pine needles under the milky way on a patch of cactus riddled sacred ground on a random mountain in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

how the F did I get here again?

my life is totally surreal right?

the answer is YES.
............
..........
........
.....
...
..
.

at morning light

I am awake but nobody else seems to be on the whole island which is cool.
I get the driftwood castle to myself.



does this make sense by the way? when i type at night and then in the morning and at different periods during the days and then post them?

whatever.

einstein says time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once... so at least its not EVERYTHING in my brain right now... paced out through undistinguishable time periods.

I would report back on the jasmine, but I was climbing out of the tent after quite possibly the worst nights sleep of my life... so I had a one track mind- and that was this bathtub of coffee I'm sipping as I watch the waves lit by the morning sun and brushed by this warm tropical breeze (that I have no doubt will make the boys bitch and groan about cuz it blows out the perfect barrels that should be)...
i love the coffee here so much it's intense & strong like me.

i am pondering this morning about KARMA...

from the 12th insight:
"when enough of us realize the way karma works, it's going to lead to a new era of integrity to replace the corruption we have now.
it's important to see that the law of karma is designed not for punishment, but to affect a positive correct .
it apparently works this way; the universe is set up to support and encourage our spiritual growth.
if you center yourself in truth, then your synchronocity will soar. if you participate in untruth, then you draw unti your life a person who does the same thing to you, again not as punishment but to show you how it feels, so you can move back towards truth."

well... i must be doing something right... centered in truth.
because my spiritual growth is certainly supported and encouraged.
it's phenomenal, really.


I keep finding these profound moments that paint pictures in such stark duality... as I am on this quest towards unity consciousness... I seem to find myself in black and white constantly... drawing parallels... being slapped awake by dualistic ideas...

maybe we have to understand duality in fullness before we can transcend to the next level of oneness.


I just want to make a point to say that getting this kaivalya tattoo on my ankle was a great idea!
(and i love my tattoo artist spirit guide brother, nate.)

but seriously... I have a terrible memory, especially in the face of uncertainty, and i find that being able to gaze down at this tattoo and remember WHY i am here and WHAT i am doing - its like ohhhhhhhh ya. oh ya oh ya....

KAIVALYA - infinite growth through isolation.

i've got my morning mix playing as i sit here puffy-eyed and feeling rather shitty from my lack of rest last night...
and bob dylan "meet me in the morning" is on...

THEY SAY THE DARKEST HOUR IS RIGHT BEFORE THE DAWN...

wise words bobby d.

.who.am.i?.who.knows?.who.cares?.

letting go.

one by one...

like the fingers of a monkey being pried off something it wants...
(have you ever felt how tight a monkey's fingers grip? lemme tell you... its tight.)



so here i am in paradise... my monkey-mind (jumping from thing to thing, idea to idea, obsession to obsession) - still holding on to things i didn't even realize i should be letting go of.

my identity.

how ironic? our burning man camp is called "IDENTI-T FARM"
We give out iced tea and 'playa names'...

Some people call themselves by this playa name year-round. Others dust off their name tag for the festival and then store it back away with their goggles, el-wire and various leather & furry things until the next year's creation of Black Rock City, Nevada.

My name is Phoenix.

I think i was given that name because of the "rising from the ashes" aspect of my life.

I went to Venice Continuation High School for a semester. Its called "Phoenix High" on Zanja Street in Venice - by the 99 cent store.

I remember that first day dad drove me over there to start school.
(I had lost my license - part of the reason i was sent to this school anyways)

My dad did that reach-around-behind-my-head scratch/pat ending with his giant hand cupping my neck - just holding my spinal chord in his mammoth grip as if to say, "I gotcha, pal. You're gonna be okay."

With his hand on my neck he said to me without taking his eyes off the road,"Hmm... Zanja. 'Ja' means 'yes' in German. ZAN - YES! This is gonna be good for you, nannoo."

I could read the unsure, but hopeful energy through the corners of his mouth,

Here i was starting at a new school... again.

But this time, it wasn't because my Dad's career had lead us to another city, it was because I was a disaster.

I had quit dancing ballet (my one and only dream & passion) because of an injury and i was subconsciously on MISSION DESTRUCTO.

How out of control could i spin in contrast to the highly structured, technical based art form i'd been submerged in for so many years?

It's funny that i remember my Dad driving me to Phoenix High that morning, because much of that time period (around 2 years) is just black. I have little to no memories at all and often i am told stories about myself that floor me and make me cringe.

But i came through it... winding up in a pre-school. (full circle metaphor? anyone?)

I remember "waking up" as though my mind finally said "ok.. NOW we can start being present." a little boy named Finley was skipping across the floor as my mom taught creative movement.

I had gone back through another round of mainstream school only to spiral harder and faster and more wildly and ended up being expelled again.

I didn't leave my mother's side for months as she detoxed me herself.

I don't know how or why... but i just kept on rising from the ashes... emerging from the smouldering embers of my self-destruction time and time again.

I'd chilled out (finally) once i was married and a pre-school teacher... right?

But then i was stagnant.
...and not really all that in-love
and my future looked reeeeeally long and boring.


And so i found myself at this magical place called Burning Man, being gifted the playa name "Phoenix"...

Carolyn Casey says "Magic is the willingness to cooperate with everything."

and i went with it.

I let the dust storms surround me and blind me.

I let my everything melt off... and let everything i knew as "Zani" or "Zan" or "Xani" or "Alexandra" just slough off.


And i became "Phoenix" out there in the magic desert world.

But then... isn't that an identity too?

How is "The Phoenix" of me not something that i'd wrap my monkey fingertips around and grip on to...
scared to let it go.

A bunch of girls from my burning man camp got matching tattoos... Almost branding that identity onto themselves.
I think it's beautiful... and of any identity we have, i think the identity we fall into on the playa is the most authentic and beautiful...

but nevertheless...

I am on a mission right now to let go.

But its the hardest thing i've worked through so far...

Letting GO of my identity.
Letting GO of mattering somewhere to someone...

And just being ME.

Because as long as i am the only one existing in my existance right now, well.. then... why would i need to identify myself to myself?

It's okay not to matter.

Because at the end of the day we DO matter...
cuz that's all we are anyways, right?
just 'matter'

So i know that i matter because i AM matter...

but i am letting go of mattering to YOU... and HIM... and THEM.

and it's really really hard.

So i renewed my subsrciption to yogaglo --- 18 dollars a month and you get unlimited yoga downloads and you can go take classes in santa monica...
(which obviously won't be happening for me for a while)...

But i can take calss from Elena Brower and Kathryn Budig and Dice Iida-Klein and so many others that i love love love.

Maybe then i'll figure out who i am... and how to let go of it once i figure it out.

...mOMents...

*****************
today: a mOMent, followed by more. (it's definitely april 2011)


"i want to be alive to all the life that is in me now... to know each mOMent to the uttermost." -Gibran


Last night i had a dream that a spirit guide (petunju jiwa) started talking to me indonesian and i had to work really hard to keep up with the translation... until all of a sudden it was slow and clear and this spirit told me that i was going to trek from Goa to Rhishikesh in India.

As i was receiving this message, i suddenly reached my left hand out to the side (kind of the way you instinctively stick your arm out over the passenger seat when you have to stop suddenly)... i reached out sharply to the left only to find Aaron Glass's right hand.

i didn't even realize he was in the dream, or that mOMent... but i felt he was sitting there next to me as soon as i extended my arm and i grabbed his hand, as if to ask him "dude! are you hearing this message!?"

i turned my head, sort of surprised and saw his furrowed brow and fixed eyes beneath the brim of his knitted rainbow hat... his face was intently watching the energy talking to me...

he heard it too, so present in that moment and just fully on board with me.
It was an amazing vision.

...i refer to spirit guides a lot.

i don't really know how to explain it when i experience this guidance that i am talking about.

it's kind of like just having a thought or a daydream... but i am totally zoned out of reality and totally zoned in to the energy - and its almost like a hallucination. usually it happens when i am sleeping or resting in that half way awake, just before or after a deep sleep. the grey area... ya know?

but sometimes i'm wide awake during the day and its just a hit.. like this moment when i hear or feel a bright light and a voice - sometimes it's not actual words i hear.. but something just tells me i'm supposed to do something or other or shows my brain an image.

OKAY - side note - this is where i am WELL aware that i am out of my mind - so far stretched into this crazy paradigm i live in that i am actually textbook "crazy hippie".. i get it.
and the best part is that i can TOTALLY laugh at myself.
for reals... i am giggling at how ridiculous this sounds reading back the last few paragraphs.

I mean, i did fall asleep watching BBC Planet Earth: Mountains and thinking about my journey and where i wanted to go in the next year...

SO, who knows? maybe its just my intuition, maybe its angels, maybe its some kind of connection with spirit guides, maybe its just my imagination...
call it whatever you want... but whatever it is, i follow it.

This is how i roll.. and i am A.O.K. with it.

I woke up today at dawn as the rain was pounding down on the palm trees pulling coconuts to the soft earth with tender but heavy sounding thuds.

I blinked open my eyes and noticed that there was light, although it was still rather dark from the ominous granite colored clouds hanging above the island and shading us from that honey colored dawn-light...

I climbed out of the mosquito net and rolled out my yoga mat and then i sat in meditation without moving for 45 minutes, listening to Lalitha Ashotram from 108 Sacred Names of Mother Divine on my i-thing.

When the track ended and i felt like i was as close to levitating as i would be that morning, i started moving and lead myself through a kundalini-ish restorative yoga class.

Sitting in double pigeon thinking about wrapping up the practice, I heard the generator come on and some power tools started buzzing and humming through the cacophony of birds and various jungle dwelling animals cooing and chirping around me...

I found my feet on the earth and walked to get a huge cup of coffee... more like a bathtub of coffee. (gotta keep balance ya know... i was SO chill.. i had to pep up SO much.)

I walked back to the bungalow and pulled an angel card from the deck that Aileen (my ex mother-in-law) had sent me a few years ago for my birthday.

here's what i pulled this morning:

CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS
"Be clear about what you desire and focus upon it with unwavering faith."
--after praying for guidance, be bold enough to admit what you truly desire. Know that you (along with everyone else) deserve the best of everything, in all ways.

So i get it.

I need to be directly clear with my intentions... and decide what it is i want.

i think i am kind of an oxymoron sometimes... i am one giant contradiction because i have so many sides to me... and i am this crazy energetic chameleon that can adapt to whatever environment i am in... and also, because i have lived through so many things in this one little life...
i don't know, it's almost like i feel like i keep kind of reinventing myself every couple years... like Madonna. (ha)... maybe its time to adopt a baby!

NO, but seriously.. I have conversations with people all the time that say "WHOA. wait a minute? how have you fit all this in? Aren't you 26?"
(i'm 27 a week from today by the way)

but seriously - in this ALMOST 27 years
i was a ballet dancer...
i was a musical theatre actress...
i lived in germany, switzerland & england...
i lost everything i own twice to house fires...
i was a hostess and a server at the pearl dragon on and off for 5 years...
i taught spinning, dance, theatre, yoga, and was a full on pre-school teacher for 4 years at a jewish temple...
i was married at 19...
i was the art director for a yoga products company for 4 years...
i'm an E.M.T, a masseuse, a yoga instructor, and a gypsy with my heart beating in venice beach as my eyes watch this monsoon rainstorm come down in sheets out the window of the bungalow i am currently sitting in, on a private island surf retreat that's located off the northwest tip of an island called Sipura in the Mentawais (West of Sumatra, Indonesia.)
this is real.

My indonesian friend, Yona and I were talking about it... and she was telling me how she sees me as so many different people. some days i am this person, some days i am another person. She said my face changes a lot too.
"Who is Zani?" she asked me.

And in all honesty... I'm not really sure who i am....

There's another Khalil Gibran quote i love (haha -surprise surprise)
He says:

"Any life... no matter how long and complex it may be... is made up of a single mOMent, the mOMent in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is."

maybe that mOMent is coming for me...

my sister Tia and I had a whoooosh mOMent on skype yesterday. She was in Santa Cruz and read me this beautiful poem she said she wrote for me.

For Zan
 
Blue
 
This feeling is at the tip
is like
look into my eyes.
there.
 
i look to the ocean as therapy
its constant in its ability
to never stop
to always move
creating currents
through moons
winds
love
 
love.
 
i danced
i felt
you were missed
my blue
sister
 
without you i am nothing
i learn from your journeys
 
like the ocean
never standing still
it goes against our nature
 
If i cry salty tears into this water
the coast where we were born
and grew from sand dune seeds
 
would you dip your sun soaked body
into these same tears
days from now?
 
i am home
like this celestial body
always on the go
always with you
in my soul
my heart my love
 
i feel the love
and send it to you
 
bathe in my tears
they are for you
and growth
and love,
and love,
and love.

I was so moved after she read it to me... and i was looking at this face...
this face i have loved since the mOMent she was born.
I even remember it. I remember when she came into my life. and I have loved her every single millisecond since she made her entrance.
i told her to hold on, ran through the trees and came running back with my guitar and started singing her a song i wrote over the laptop.

Right at this meaningful part, the screen on her end filled up with the faces of some people i love so much it makes my heart twist. The Mowgli's were all of a sudden there with her, like some kind of dream magic.
It was a really intense mOMent for me.

The last year in my house, the OM hOMe was full of intense mOMents... tip toes on the tip of figuring it all out... and beautiful days and nights and a string of "the best weekend of my life" every weekend for a year...

And i don't know... maybe that's why i had to pack my life in a suitcase and run, run, run away... maybe i have to go explore, but then like the boy in The Alchemist, i'll find myself returning hOMe to find that i already knew who i was.

maybe i'll discover that I just AM me.
i AM that multi-faceted, complex, energetic chameleon.
I AM that stumbling, ranting, manicured hippie.
and i'll own that
i AM a free-spirit and at the same time i'm like a trapped bird afraid of its own reflection...

I'm everything and nothing.
and i'm not claiming to be anything especially special or better then anyone else... but i also recognize that each one of us is unique and divine and perfect in our imperfections, ya know?

SO i guess i AM special.

The hard part for me is believing that special me deserve all this...
Everything.
All this good and wonderful...
All this magic and beauty that my eyes blink open to see every day right up until the mOMent they blink closed and i dive into the dreamland which is even more magical...
Either way....

I wonder.

Do i deserve this?

It's easy for me to see karma and believe that what goes around comes around... but sometimes it almost feels like too much, the blessings that around to me.
Do i really give that much to, in turn, be GIVEN this much?
it feels natural to do what i do on a daily basis... to shine light for people and help whoever i can do with whatever i can in what ever capacity i can. but does it really warrant what i get?

and most importantly,
do i have any right to ASK for the things i want?

sometimes i don't know if i've done enough, and so i'm almost scared to make these CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTIONS like my angel card told me to...

but the universe keeps showing me that i'm on the right track.
symbols and signs
omens and mOMents of clarity
like the little buffer walls you put up when you suck at bowling... like. ah.ah.ah.... this way, little ball....
something like that.
these signs that say either nope, try again...
or HELL YA you're doin it. keep going thisaway.
(i've been getting a LOT of HELL YA affirmations lately)

though sometimes i forget HOW to ask for what i WANT.


saying that, however, something i discovered when my ex and i were flying back and forth from LA to London a lot, is that the chances of getting upgraded to business class if you just throw it out there and actually ASK for it... are faaaaar greater then just crossing your fingers and hoping that your number will randomly be called.

I would just approach the desk with a smile and some love and say "hi there... i was just wondering if you wouldn't mind taking down my name... just in case you have to randomly bump someone up... i'm a really good person and i'll be so very grateful, as opposed to you choosing some jerk at random."

and guess who's flown business class internationally SEVERAL times?
me.

ya... it's insane. i just set the intention and said it out-loud and asked and was pleasantly surprised to find that it worked more then once.

SO... okay - here goes.

This is what i want in the next year:

I want to stay on this island -Togat Nusa Retreat for the season. (or at least the first chunk of the season)
I want there to be LOTS of guests that want to surf and do yoga and bring me superfood, brown rice & tequila when they arrive...
I want John & Ainsley to be recognized for their brilliance and this island paradise to become an infamous haven in Indonesia where surfers (especially couples cuz its SOOOO romantic) will know about it all over the world and come to relax & refuel between barrells.
I want to go to Bali next month (May) with the goddesses (Laura, Cary & Danielle)
I want to get fluent in Bahasa Indonesia and get way good at surfing while i'm living out here.
I want to be able to press up into a handstand and hold it for a really long time.
I want to stay really healthy and take care of myself.
I want Arganadix Argan Oil to take off and be successful and loved as an organic beauty product... and I want to start scoping exports from Bali too.
I want Tawney and Shawnski to come to the island and surf and visit sometime soon. (which will take my joy to an unprofessionally high level)
I want Jessica to come meet me in Bali at the end of July and i want us to go to Australia together and have an epic adventure that we will reminisce about when we're 90 eating nutella in rocking chairs together. doys.
I want to go to Splendour on the Grass Festival and then go to Sydney and see Aussie Mike.
Then I want to go back to Southeast Asia in August to meet Joshie. (FINALLY... because considering how bad i miss him after one month - by August i'm gonna have no fingers left from chewing them of and my heart will be ready to explode. pfsssh. probs.)
I want to go travel to Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam & Thailand with Josh and anyone else that is inclined to join our gypsy love tribe.
I want us to create music and love and write our book and let our lives write themselves and lift everyone around us off the ground and into the clouds where we exist when we're hanging out.
I want us to find Aaron in Goa and start our trek to Rhishikesh like the spirit guide told me to last night.
And then i will regroup and make some more crystal clear intentions at that point.

WHEEEEWsh...

i don't even know if i can post this...

i dont even know why... but it feels like this should go in my file of letters i never send to people, cuz it's almost embarrassing to let other people read this for some reason...
OKAY - well i'm gonna choose to trust that if you are reading this, you love me and you want me to actualize these intentions and you will send out your positive vibes towards them too and not think it's weird.
or... whatever...
weird doesn't bother me.
just have my back, okay friends?
my intentions are in ALL of our brains now.
i'll keep entertaining you with my ramblings as i ramble on led zeppelin style as a love ninja blasting into hearts around the world with my round-house love kicks, like whaCHAAAAAA... and then writing these blog entries--- if you hold my crystal clear intentions to the sun and help me send them on their way into the cosmos.

group zanifestation! gooooooo! thanks angels.

brown & white shells

**************
today & yesterday & always & never

i was wandering in a zig-zaggy circle around the island, combing the beach for shells - little kerikil and pieces of awesomeness...

for some reason my eyes were pulled to brown and white yesterday.

it's weird, there is every color shell on the beach and different days, my eyes are pulled to different colors.

today it was brown and white.

maybe that's how the world looks to me right now.

i guess that's better then seeing the world in black and white, like my old therapist used to say i did.

i know that i do that... i go to extremes.
but the thing is... its not ALL me.

my life has been dealt out in an extreme way... it seems i just get dealt Aces and Twos when everyone else gets 8s and 9s and 10s

it's just how it works out for me.

i've realized recenthat not everyone knows so many people who have died.
that's a really big thing for me to see.
the more i travel and meet people, the more i find that i have friends who have never been to a funeral in their entire lives.
whoa.

my funeral dresses in LA got more use then my fancy glittery party dresses.
that's shitty.

but you know, i feel lucky, in that i have gotten a really interesting perspective on death.

...as i was combing the beach looking at these brown and white shells i actually started think about it.

maybe when a friend dies its like musical chairs...

only when the music stops you don't take a chair away, you take a person away.
and then there is this empty chair there.
it's like a totally different perspective... you see the room from a whole new place when you sit in another chair.
so it affords us this great possibility to see the world in such a broader, more rounded overall perspective.

i have a lot of empty seating in my room.

i get to skip from one chair to the next... maybe that plays into why i am such an energetic chameleon.
i feel like i can step into any circumstance or situation and shift my little diamond around and see the world from that paradigm and totally vibe out with whoever im with in whatever circumstance.

it's like this hipstamatic app i have on my i-thing.

when i shift the lens it makes this awesome little shifty slide-y sound... like FWHHP
that's what i feel like i have the ability to do.

all my experiences and friends departed, have given me little lenses in this case of mine...
so any circumstance, i just FWHHP... FWHHP... FWHHP... ah yes. there it is.
and i can see through your eyes.



i remember when we were kids we used to play this CD that had all these nerdy educational songs on it... we were obsessed with it.

our personal favorite was "knees up mother brown" - where we jumped all over the room with our knees up like a football player training that high run drill through truck tires laying flat on the field.

but there was this other song on the CD that said

"i wanna walk...
a mile in your shoes...
i wanna walk a mile in your shoes.

i wanna know what you're thinking...
what you're feeling...
so i really wanna walk...
a mile in your shoes.

remember that fight that we had?
why did we both have to lose?

it's because we both walked away mad.
instead of walking a mile in each other's shoes."

first of all: how the HELL do i remember that entire song?

that was around the time that we lived in long beach and i pushed tia through a 10 foot glass window into a bed of roses.
but don't worry... we had belted her inside a bunch of huge pillows and put a helmet on her head.

ya... trying to prove that it wasn't premeditated to my mother who was literally freaking out so hard i saw steam coming from her ears... that was hard.

man, i am so lucky.

i had such an unusual, amazing upbringing.

and in my adolescent years, there was a LOT of black and white.
i saw a LOT of pain and a lot of death and a lot of craziness...
and i was volatile and intense and emotional
but i also saw SO much love, and art and culture.
and i experienced a lot of peace and was exposed to soo much spirituality and magic, that i really feel sculpted who and what i am today.

i don't think i would take back a minute of my black and white life even if i could.

maybe wandering the beach yesterday reflecting on death and perspective, and marinating on the many many lessons in my life, have started to bring me closer to the center...
and thus, i am seeing brown and cream colored shells.

finally 27 years later, learning to self-sooth and breathe before i react.

see... i got really upset yesterday and found myself under the mosquito net in bed at 3:15 staring into space and listening to my breakdown music.

my "breakdown" music comes from an album called ONLY BY THE NIGHT

funny.

my guru poet Kahlil Gibran says "one may not reach the dawn, save by the path of the night"

and there i was yesterday, having a moment with my shadow.

...feeling the pitch dark of night eventhough these amazing palm frawns were gliterring with the golden sunlight sitting on the leaves right out the window.

but i had rolled over. literally and figuratively.

KG also says "you see but your shadow when you turn your back to the sun"

i lay there with my back to the sunlight, listening to these songs that pulled at a strand of pain in me... like self-mutilation. listening to the music that holds so much pain.. almost begging the darkness to come take me over and consume me.
because i well know, that all it takes is a single thought to open the closet door that is stuffed full of awful memories to allow them to topple out and on to me and suffocate me completely.

and then i heard this resounding voice of my father in my head that screamed "SNAP OUT OF IT."

and it shook me right back into the light. i flipped my body over and climbed out. of the bed and walked down to the beach to find some shells and make a necklace out of them with this neon green fishing line i found.

ONLY BY THE NIGHT had only gotten through about one and a half revolutions of the album. (considering there is a count on itunes of how many times you have played a certain song... and "Manhattan" from Only By The Night is at 382 plays... ya, i'd say one and a half times around the album is EXTREMELY quick for me to snap myself out of it and not wallow in my sadness.)


and then BAM i was on the beach
drawn to these brown and white shells
staring at my footprints that are the only set of human footprints on the beach as far as the eye can see...
and i am reflecting in this beautiful way about losing a friend and how its like reverse musical chairs.

i like that image.

and i like how i see the world.

and i wouldn't see it this way if i hadn't lost.

i wrote a piece on loss in november.... it was for a poetry thing that i never went to because we were drinking jugga wine by the firepit and i was too in love with that evening at the OM hOMe to go anywhere else, so i just stuck it with my poetry even though its not really poetry...

but here it is.

http://zaniroberts.blogspot.com/2010/11/loss.html

i just, coincidentally, right this moment had en email come through as i was writing this from my dad.

my dad is amazing, and has helped me more then anyone to sculpt the way i feel about death and transformation...
he is the one who first gave me the visual of sloughing a cocoon when we die... and emerging out into the ether as a cosmic butterfly. (one of my favorite images)

he was referring to the words of a priest we used to know....
the email was short and said:

The Priest would often say that when you pass away "You can only take with that which you have given away."
Words to reflect upon.

this is why i am the way i am.

this is why i think so deeply and reflect so intensely and write a blog like this while i travel the world after giving everything i own away...

because my parents rock.

here is a pic of them when they met.
they're amazing.



i can't hardly believe how lucky i am to have parents like these.

they saw me through the black and basked in the glory of the white, all the while loving me unconditionally and teaching me to be AS unique as i am.

it's a little embarrassing sometimes to put your feelings out there for people to read, but whatever...
i am who i am.

i feel these things.
i have these thoughts.
take it or leave it.

i am living for me. and i love that you are here with me.

blessings of peace and soft swirly brown and white shells from a beach far away from where you are. (but really not so far at all)...

we're all a bunch of FREEks

**************



so many people read this blog.

like- kind of a scary amount I find out...

it's totally fine.
I love you and I'm honored you want to share this experience (A.K.A. my life) with me as I stumble towards love and light and vow to laugh at myself the entire way...
i write this to myself as much as i write it to you, my loved ones and friends...

...and by the way, even if you're a stranger- as my friend Mick said in Padang last month, 'strangers are just friends you haven't met yet' so you're my actually my friend too.

so dear me & you...

dear us,

here's what is on my mind today.

I've found we can't take ourselves too lightly...
...in otherwords-- what is the point actually of taking life seriously?

it seems we just end up like ol' man river:

"you an me
we sweat and strain
body all achin and wracked with pain
tote that barge
an lift that bail
ya get a little drunk an ya lands in jail.
ah gets weary
and sick of tryin
I'm tired of livin
but scared of dying...."

whoa.
right?

I mean-- here's the f'd up part- there are 27 million people in slavery today around the world
look at www.freetheslaves.net

but you and me-- we're free.

(I say that statement believing that I probably know you- or know of you and I don't know any slaves personally... so i am making a conclusion that i deeply hope is accurate.)

you are free.

the only thing that holds you back is the reigns of fear that YOU have placed upon your own shoulders.

so, calm your mind and wriggle free from your grip that holds you down.

but remember... only you can choose to let go.

only you can see the light through your eyes.

we are so blessed to be free.

we are supposed to be soaring. flying through the air and riding these waves and making it our mission to help free the others...

because we can.

I just don't see the point in toting that barge and lifting that bail with an aching body wracked with pain that makes you tired of this insanely beautiful gift of life, if you don't have to.

if you are not being forced to work until you're weary and miserable... why are you doing it?

the means to WHAT end?

a. there are no pockets in your coffin. you can't take anything with you and none of us get out of this life alive.

b. a spirit guide in my mind told me this one time:"the journey is the gift... the prize is the path."

maybe the whole point of life is to enjoy today.

I mean, shit... the dalai lama himself says "the key to life is to attain happiness."

so according to a. there should be no fear of dying cuz it's inevitable and a beautiful, natural part of life as we know it

and according to b. there should be no "sick of trying" cuz what the hell are you trying to do that could make you sick of it?

also for the record- I see no reason to throw someone in jail for being a little tipsy... sometimes it's good for people to let down their guard when a bit intoxicated.

I have seen the most hardened asshole kinda bro's cut a rug and dance like it's their job, laughing and telling me it's the best they've ever felt... and I've seen an entire country of uptight Brits let go every weekend as though the bottle under pressure pops off and all of a sudden everyone is in a state of high pressure release whenthey crack open the bottle. (literally and figuratively)

it's beautiful.

but guys, guys... let's use that as a tool to teach us what is possible... to show us our capacity to let go... and then do it daily without the crutch of booze or drugs or whatever.

let's just love each other
and love ourselves
and be ridiculously grateful for every moment we get to spend here on earth in these bodies... allowed to live freely.

so here is what I offer you today
which....
by
the
way

was
an
absolutely
G*L*O*R*I*O*U*S Mentawai day
that I got to spend out in the silky turquoise water
on a surfboard
paddling around the entire island
with a snorkel mask on my head like sunglasses
dunking my head under the water
and exploring the magnificent coral when my arms got tired of paddling.

I felt like the proverbial hermit crabs i'm always talking about...
charging it down the beach because he can...
forging new tracks in the sand/water...
totally dedicated to the direction he's going
(which for me, on the surfboard, was clockwise from the driftwood castle)
and when i decided to take a break... i would pull down that mask and scope the scene under the surface for a while just to hang out in yet another realm of surreality.

so after that day, sitting here pondering in the driftwood bungalow
here's what i have to offer:

you are free.
you are always free.
you may not see it now, but I promise you...

you.
are.
free.

exercise your freedom.

FREEk out today.

do something radical and amazing and a little scary.

but have no fear.
do not contract.

just dive in...

dive in to something.
anything.

because you can.

you can literally do anything.
even though you might not do it that well- ie my surfing, my guitar playing, my cooking, my handstands

but who cares!?
shit, I did all of those things today... because I could. and i wasn't a pro and kinda sucked at some of them, but whatever. who is keeping score?

I love you.
I love us.
we rock so hard.

let's rock out as freedom lovers... and go help someone who is not free.

this is Josh Hogan btw... i ♥ him. he ♥s free the slaves. you should ♥ his music cuz its risickulous. ya, i just said that.

anyways - if you feel so inclined to FREEk out like my FREEking amazing friends in venice... either check out freetheslaves, talk to tawnski and help free someone in literal slavery...
or find someone in your life that enslaves themselves in some way-
remind them that their confinement and unhappiness is their choice...
cuz we are free.

i think it has a lot to do with detatchment too...

the word "MOKSHA" means to release, or set free....
it's like freedom through detachment... ya know, basically, just letting GO!
(so much easier said then done of course.)

But it makes me think of one of my favorite points to ponder too... which is:

moksha beksho bandhaha
'even the DESIRE for liberation is bondage.'

so.. WANTING to be free is still not being free...

you gotta let go and allow yourself to fall.

for reals, though... when's the last time you let yourself fall?

try it!

i think you'll be surprised how many open arms are all around you to catch you.

and if you hit the ground, or slap your back on the water... it doesn't hurt THAT bad.

hope deferred makes the heart sick...
but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.

you gotta take a risk, step out and free fall... cuz you CAN... you lucky FREEk, you.

orange sky

i
had
a
dream
i...

stood
beneath
an
orange
sky.



whoosh.

man, i don't know where to start on this one.

*please play that song while you read this... so you can feel my vibe.

because not only is this where i am at vibe-wise...
but this song actually came on my i-thing and played through the boat speakers this evening as we drove directly towards a firey orange sunset, so bright and neon it was illuminating the sea.

(and illuminating my heart with the blatant poetry in motion in that 6 minutes of orangelic presence.)

the water looked like dark black oil with this crazy orange light splashed across the ripples on the surface as the boat carved through the color and bounced with the momentum of the choppy waves...
(birdie had explained it like this to me one time when i first got here and then i saw it in all its magnificence not long after)

we were coming back from tua pajet (the mentawai town) on john & ainsley's big OM-boat as the sun was setting in all its gloriousness... and a silence fell across all of us. everyone seemed to be gazing in a different direction lost in the moment of beauty and bliss. all recognizing that it would be getting dark soon (which is no good for driving the boat and a little scary apparently)-- but so not even worth it to leave that moment and slide into any sort of fear or worry for any moment but that one..(and by the way yes... i said OM boat... it says OM above the capitain's window... pshh. duh.)

the ambu-ambu (ferry) comes from padang every sunday night, arriving in tua pajet on monday... so birdie goes into town to get supplies for the island and today i went on the adventure into town, along with rita, yona, jonas, dohu & pacman (workers/island fam)...

I wore my brown wrappy long sleeve thing that flaps across my shoulders so i would be respectful and sweated so much my hair was totally matted to my head.

i made friends with a couple of the store clerks in tua pajet - its so good for practicing my indonesian... we talk about a lot of stuff - the difference between the mentawais and california, how old we are, if we have brothers and sisters etc. and seemingly everyone's favorite question for - if saya punya pacar/suami (if i have a boyfriend or a husband) it was helpful when i realized that they understood WHAT i was saying when i responded and got into the meat of the conversation - they just didn't understand WHY i used to have a husband and don't have one now because i don't want one.
KENAPA!?
why? why? why?

i guess maybe i haven't ever really figured out EXACTLY why...
i think maybe i never really explained it to my parents either.
man, maybe i never even took the time to explain it to myself.

i don't know... it seems like just having a feeling that i want to be solo when i watch the sun go down off the side of a boat in the middle of the indian ocean so i can close my eyes and feel my skin around me and know that i am home inside myself and that's enough... well.. why would that not be a good enough answer?

i guess i want to be selfish.

i want to live for me.

haven't you ever heard "do one thing a day that scares you?"... well how about "do one thing in your lifetime that doesn't have a WHY?"

i mean, WHY do those hermit crabs charge it down the beach like they do?

maybe they're looking for food, or feeling like they are growing out of their shell and need a bigger one.

who knows? who cares? - (thats a great local natives song by the way)

i don't know... i guess i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky.
and i realized that not everyone has the same dreams...
in fact...
nobody has the same dreams.
because i'm the only one in my mind.

(except of course when i connect my spirit with one of my reflection connections - i.e. my friend nate who i completely met in the cosmos this morning and had an incredible meditation connection while i sat cross legged in the wet sand as the waves swept up and around my body.)

but this day was over and it was definitely turning to night.

i let the entire "away we go" soundtrack play on our journey back. (real good)

...shades of indigo, lilac, and the creeping black veil started to shroud the sea ahead of us as our boat bounced back across the darkness towards togat nusa.

when we finally parked the boat and climbed into the little canoe to get on shore i literally had a freak out bliss blast.
i threw my arms in the air and started howling and yelling in my obnoxious over-enthusiastic way
"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HOW FREAKING BEAUTIFUL THIS IS!?!? WE HAVE A DOME OF BRILLIANT MAGICAL STARS ABOVE US - THE WAKE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE CANOE IS SHOOTING UP THIS GORGEOUS WARM WATER AND THE AIR FEELS LIKE SILK!"

Birdie of course started laughing at me.

"just run your hand along the water and look at how amazing this is!" i demanded.

at that moment the water shooting up around the boat started flickering neon greenish blue.

bioluminescent phytoplankton.

ya, dude. the most magical gift of all.

"SEE!?" i screamed, laughing and reaching both hands off the canoe into the neon spray "PHUCKING PHOSPHRESCENT PHYTOPLANKTON! it's because i GAVE THANKS, dude! I'm TELLING YOU! i was in such a state of gratitude for that moment that the universe was like, oh ya? watch this!?"

BAM.


...THIS is why i am doing what i am doing.

this is why... this is kenapa saya tidak punya pacar.

kenapa saya tidak punya suami lagi.
(why i no longer have a husband)

because...

i am the only one who can look inside myself.

and
he who looks outside, dreams of standing beneath an orange sky...
he looks inside, awakens before one...

i dreamed about this in venice beach.
and i am awake here,

and now, tonight, i can sleep knowing that i got to touch the magic of the universe this evening.

and 50 bucks and a lifetimes supply of ice-cream says that my dreams tonight will be beneath an orange sky....

with my brothers and my sisters standing by...



...just like they always have.

the kingdom the eyes can't see...

***************
time/date = ppshhh - who knows, who cares

a few nights ago - i was super surrendered to the simplicity.

i was feeling so clam and grounded. i had practiced yoga, swam in the ocean and worked in the zen bungalow all day on a press release for John and Ainsley.

...which by the way is awesome!

Togat Nusa Retreat is OPEN!

guests are booking up and there's a feeling of allllright - here we go!
www.togatnusaretreat.com

but in the meantime, its just us on the island - and i personally am in heaven just being quiet and mellow, as i said "surrendering to the simplicity"

I casually strolled into the driftwood castle to hang before dinner to find a slightly more antsy, edging on agitated Cahn and Birdie lazing around.

Birdie had moved the ping pong table he built out of driftwood into the bar... but Beaker the monkey ate the last ping pong ball.

There was no music on which was unusual... and after we had a sit-up competition, a darts competition, ate dinner, and realized we didn't feel like movie night two nights in a row... it was time to take drastic measures.
It felt a little like kids looking to get in trouble because they had nothing to do.

So that's what we did.

First there was a bottle of rum that came out... then there was some gin... and then a little skoash of tequila that i had left over from the wedding week in my suitcase. (don't ask me HOW i forgot it was there until we started drinking)...

Yona bar-tended and rolled her eyes a lot as i got a full punk rock education.

Me and Birdie found that each of us had a ghetto side when a tupac song came on and we knew all the lyrics. And the highlight of the night was singing the Sublime song "date rape" in two parts from behind the bar like we were performing... it was pretty amazing.

Such a fun night.

Then the generator went off and we found ourselves in the pitch black of the driftwood castle. So Birdie and I walked down to the beach while the rest of the crew went to go navigate their way through the dark jungle and find their assigned bungalows and pondocks to sleep. Birdie is so rad i can't even say enough about my new friend. He's one of those people you just know is such a good person without even talking to them, and find its true through their generosity and honesty the more you hang out with them. AND my favorite part of all is his girlfriend Tia, from Padang... Not only is she adorable and funny and speaks english SO well (she's going to do a semester in LA i think)... she has the same energy as my little sister/hero Tia, which makes me feel close to my sister to hang with Tia when she comes out here.)plus he slaps a mean cat bass.


Anyways - we shuffled through the jungle and emerged on the sand only to be struck with how bright it was considering it is a waning moon (almost new)...
But the wind that had been blowing for about a week had finally blown off and uncovered the most unbelievable sheet of stars.
Of any night here thus far, this was the most phenomenal for star gazing for sure...

I can't even explain how beautiful it was to be under this dome of bright lights and constellations. Birdie and I stumbled around the beach trying to point out the southern cross in the zoo of stars above us... and both saw the most enormous shooting star i've ever seen as we were looking at the same part of the sky to the south (i think). it seemed to explode out of a black patch and zoom across the sky for what seemed like a full minute, until it burned out and evaporated like a firework's final moment. i think it must have been a meteor..

although Birdie wasn't nearly as impressed as i was by the shooting star or by the overall sky in general, but he's used to it here. Although of anyone, he still has the most enthusiasm and naive awe besides me, its crazy how something so unreal becomes the "norm" so quickly.

Ainsley said the other day that her friend asked how i was doing and Ains replied "well... its just like that movie city slickers." haha.

i personally think i am doing remarkably well - and adjusting to indonesian jungle island life very well. sure i still flintch a little when i see a bug the size of texas flying by my face, and turn a little white when a giant black snake is found inside Ainsley and John's bungalow... but shit... i'm walking back to the bungalow without a flashlight and i ate FISH! (once) which is huge. The monkey is my favorite thing on the planet and i am hanging out in full indonesian conversations and following what's being said.

I still gasped (repeatedly) at the sky that night and i wouldn't want it any other way.
it was magnificent and awe inspiring.
I couldn't help but fall asleep in sandy sheets so grateful for that night... for that sight.

I had skyped with my friend/soul brother Aaron that afternoon and he sang me this new song that he'd written - it was night in LA and he was on the front porch of the OM hOMe playing his guitar into the camera which made my heart twist a little bit.

He sent me the lyrics on facebook.

How appropriate?

Grateful heart it fills me full
Fills me full
I'm alive and it fills me full
fills me full

I'm for today
I'm for the birds who fly away
Free as they came
Free as they came


i wrote another song recently.

...actually its a song that i started to write one day sitting on josh and peter's floor at OM hOMe in january.

i think i was actually playing the black takamine when i wrote it.

(the guitar that josh ended up giving me to take on this journey... that i have now finished the song on)

ahh how i love the full circle...

we puffy painted and spray paint stenciled it before i left... duh.
(we stencil everything at the OM hOMe)

anyways - i remember that afternoon it was really windy. josh started playing along with me and making it way better then i could ever imagine it would be. (duh)

eli came over and she was sitting on the floor too.

isnt it funny how i can remember weird facts about that day but i cant remember how the song went...

anyways - i morphed it with another song that i had started writing in singapore...
so now its like this: (this is a part of it anyways)

i know we'll find a way.
we'll find a way to stay
..take my hands lets fly away

come run
run away with me
we'll run away from running
we'll run into stillness
and we'll fall into nothing

we'll run & we'll fall
we'll laugh & we'll be
as we run away from running
we'll fall in to where supposed to be

i woke up this morning before the sun came up and made a decision to fast and take a vow of silence today. (as much as possible)

it's sunday and i don't know... it feels necessary.

i am going to write, but try not to actually speak and i am just going to drink water, coffee, and coconuts today, as a cleanse for my body.

i walked over to the driftwood castle (which i now know is called an Uma)... and got a cup of coffee before anyone was up, except my buddy jo-jo.
I sat looking out at the ocean and past the palm trees and closed my eyes visualizing people i love in california. In my head i said 'take my hand and place your palm upon my heart.' --- i could feel myself connected, not just in my imagination, and obviously not actually physically -- but in this other realm.
Like my friend Joe Con sings...
its "the kingdom the eyes can't see"

that's where i go when i meditate.

it's not here and it's not NOT here... its another kingdom. not the driftwood kingdom i am living in... not the sleep/subconscious kingdom... the in between... the place where time ceases to exist.
like einstein says "time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once"

and i wrote in a poem once from within that realm about that lack of time - and disconnection from the concept all together.
i said:

"so i can't help but to wonder if i was here, or if i will be then, or if i am here now. and mind can't help but spin circles, like a kaleidoscope splattering confusing colorful shapes against the wall. colors that draw me in with their perfectly imperfect chaos. my breath will guide the falcon that floats above my left eye. it will sweep my lifeless bod to a cliff i recognize from somewhere and i won't know whether to jump or fall until i arrive."

Johnny and i were talking last night about a lot of stuff - time, life, perspective & prophetic writings... like sometimes i hear my friend's songs much later on and i think whoa. how is that exactly what's going on in my life now... as though it was written for the future in the past?

i feel like my poems are a lot like that.

i just got surged with poetry last year and it flowed through me and out of me and sometimes i wouldn't know who was writing it but there it was... and then as my life has unraveled since then, i am finding that i was writing for day.

I'm for today.
I'm for the birds (like me) that fly away.
Free as we came.
Free as we came.

_________________
(transcribed from what i hand-wrote in the brown book - shawnski & nico will be happy to hear)

TODAY i decided to fast and be as silent as possible.

The yogis say that you are allocated a certain number of breaths for your lifetime when you are born... If we run around being windbags and worse still - being stressed out and hyperventilating all day we'll end up dying quicker.

LIFE is just too beautiful through my eyes so i'm extending it by being conscious of my intake of everything, especially the breath.

I am fasting on coconuts, coffee & water on this sunny sunday.

This morning I woke up before the sun was up... i played guitar, practiced yoga in the bungalow, and now i am on the beach watching the waves and thinking...


Last night when Johnny and I were having that conversation after dinner, we got to
talking about lifeTIMEs and how sometimes something seems like it's lasting an eternity ...
(it's usually when you're itching to get out of a yoga pose, come up for a breath when you're freediving, or wanting to finish doing something that is uncomfortable.)

it's when you are ZOOMED IN on that moment and watching the seconds tick by...

but then when you ZOOM OUT and see what a speck of dust in the roadmap of your entire life that moment was... and then zoom back even further and see your life in the grand timeline of life as we know it...

the greater perspective makes us feel like we are hardly even a blip of the radar...

SO.. my intention for today is to be neither zoomed IN or zoomed OUT-- neither focused on the seconds of today or seeing my life from so far away that it seems insignificant.

I intend to see everything at neutral.

see everything for what it is... and let the gratitude fill my heart.

See the beauty in the NOW...
in the HERE
in THIS reality.

Because i spend so much time in the kingdom the eyes can't see...

I am going to watch a hermit crab.

.....

(later)

i find breath-work so interesting.



i love to gauge where i'm at in life using what i call the "box breath"

i take each side for the count of 5 and see where i find ease and difficulty.

TODAY - exhale - was perfect... to me - this means that i'm on point with surrender and letting go.
holding empty space - also no problem... which means i am practicing aprigrapha (not gripping or grasping for air in the breath cycle & things/people in life...
inhale - sometimes i get to 3 and i have already taken all i can - which means i am taking on too much too quickly in life... but today - i found i got to 5 and still could receive so much more--- maybe a little message to myself (from myself) with love... that there is MORE to see and receive and experience.
hold at the top i found instead of being anxious to let go (which is normal) - i almost don't want to exhale when i get to the count of 5 today. i want to hold it longer. maybe here is where i am holding on... afraid to let such a perfect moment in life roll by...
i am trying to hold it tight...
savor it for one more moment...
but we all know that nothing is permanent.

i guess its all the more reason to live for today...

for the birds who fly away.