CommitMENTAL

CommitMENTAL.

I woke up at 5:30am in my Grandmere's downstairs guesthouse that looks out over Point Lobos and the cypress tree framed oceanside of Carmel-by-the-sea.
Through a wet, foggy dawn light I watched the wind dance through the needles of a pine tree, meditating on the movement, much the way I would watch the waves for an hour each morning out in the Mentawai islands last year.

For some reason an observation of myself came to me as i sat transfixed by the undulating movement of that swaying pine tree branch.

I make an escape plan before I even arrive somewhere.

It's pretty messed up.

Frightened Rabbit, a killer Scotish band I love sing the line
"i'm working hard on walking out... my feet keep sticking to the ground."

I think i am so scared of getting stuck that sometimes I won't even be still.

Yesterday, my gypsy brother BabaAaron and I left San Fransisco and headed towards the Monterey Bay where I was born.
He teaches guitar privates in Santa Cruz and Moss Landing, and I needed to find a way to get to Carmel so i could visit my grandparents. (I haven't seen them in over a year and my Grandpere just turned 95.)
As always, my travel buddy bestie came through and picked me up at Laura's house in the mission.

I had intended to sleep at Laura's the night before, but upon leaving the bar, our group of friends got into two taxis and I found myself in the one that was heading back to Lower Nob Hill and the comfiest couch I have slept on, in the living room of my new friend Paul.
I met Paul's brother Mike while snowboarding in the French Alps 5 years ago... I lost touch with him after I moved back from England, until he made a random cameo in a dream of mine about a year ago.
Since then we've been back in touch- a seemingly endless string of witty banter and awesomeness.
I'll finally see him again in March when I get to Sydney.

His brother Paul coincidentally lives in San Fran these days, so my two girlfriends, Laura, Jessica & I met him for cocktail hour on Polk Street.

I woke up in Paul's living room at my usual 7am chip chipper energy hour and immediately i got hot feet.

I dashed out and jumped in a taxi, arriving back at Laura's and expecting her to still be fast asleep.
Of course I entered her apartment only to find her standing in the kitchen pressing fresh orange juice and talking about "whipping up some pumpkin muffins"... Ladies and Gentlemen... Laura Putnam.
(look out Martha Stewart)

I grabbed my backpack out of the living room and said quick goodbyes without much room for conversation... (my second favorite exit behind the Irish)... ducked out the door, and climbed into Aaron's car to head south.

Aaron & I drove through the rainy morning up and over Highway 17- the most epic, beautiful winding mountain highway in California and shared our usual soul searching conversations that we've become experts at after traveling india for months together.
We talked about analogies present in rooms- and how a bedroom and the way it's decorated can tell a lot about a person.
We talked about relationships and whether it's better to have a reflection or a balance of your personality.

My current thoughts are that there is already enough of me here- I don't need a reflection as I have sought out in the past. Right now i feel i need a counterbalance. I need a grounded, earthy energy to hold space for my fiery flighty gypsy splatter paint vibe. Aaron calls me the "hotsy totsy airy fairy" and i think you only need one of those in a relationship... the other needs to be the sturdy canvas.

But as soon as I visualize a partner being that, I start to get red hot cheeks and feel like I'm going to break out in hives on my chest.
What if that grounded, earthy guy tries to shove me in a drawer?
What if he throws a wet blanket over me and quells my fire... holds me back?
What if he pins my wings to the ground?

Nothing scares me more then being trapped in a relationship that I can't escape from.

I have a recurring nightmare that I've had for years now... where I pump and pump the brakes in the car but it won't stop and I am flying towards a collision. I see it coming.
Sometimes I stand up and put all my weight on the brake pedal and scream but the car keeps rolling down a hill or into another car.
I wake up terrified and panicking.

But I also wake up alone, because I keep walking out of relationships.
I want love and a counterbalance... I miss having a partner to wake up next to and stand beside... but I'm scared of commitment.

We arrived in Santa Cruz, got a dirty chai with coconut milk and then Aaron taught guitar while I sat on the Aptos beach and thought deeply gazing out at the grey Pacific Ocean reflecting this stormy day.

A taxi driver in San Fran asked me the night before if I was here on business or vacation.

"my business IS vacation!" I replied, proud at my witty and also very honest response.

I was in "the office" on the Aptos beach- pondering and philosophizing... Exploring the thoughts coming up and observing my tendencies in a very Buddhist way.

I was distracted from my deep self study by two young boys in galoshes and rain gear playing in a huge puddle as the Mom looked on lovingly.

Oh man... What I wouldn't give for a pair of galoshes right now!

I want to do everything. Go everywhere. Be everyone.

I change my career and life path constantly- I surf the wave of chance and impermanence- continually carving through new countries and experiences with an insatiable appetite for everything.

It's possible that it stems from this deep fear of commitment that I allow myself to be reborn so regularly- or it could just be a seriously intense love for life, which is what I believe as my truth.

Either way- I can't seem to get enough of EVERYTHING.

Aaron's second lesson was for a woman named Michelle. She and her family live on a farm near Moss Landing and I had the honor and privilege of helping prepare and then eating an incredible sunday lunch with them all before her lesson which was more like a family jam sesh and not unlike our group guitar lessons in Rhishikesh, India last month.

We started talking about leaving parties and houses and how Michelle has a hard time actually getting out the door- but rather gets stuck in a 2 hour long goodbye conversation.
Aaron pointed out my "Irish Exit" technique whereby you just bolt without saying a word to anyone.
You just disappear.

I used to be a long goodbyer like my new friend Michelle... But I learned to just let go and go because it's easier for me.
If I don't, my shoes keep sticking to the floor.

Michelle gently pointed out the flip side of this coin, which is how the other people feel... How alarming and upsetting it can be to be totally engaged with a person and suddenly they are gone.

I guess I don't really think about the other person enough in all things... In every different interpersonal relationship...
I just get caught in the suffocating fear from my own commitment issues and bolt.

I fall in love a hundred times a day and then stop, drop and roll out of there.

I realized this morning that it's just not right to make an escape plan before I arrive... To start planning my next next trip while on the plane somewhere new and exciting...

I guess I just need to be still... But like, really really still.

I have Australia and Indonesia on the horizon and then past that is just school and stillness- studying medicine and maybe even living up here while I do it- so I can watch the dancing pine trees and learn how to say goodbye like a normal person.

Thank you for reading this.
Goodbye until next time.

Love,
Zani Roberts




(ugh)