Abre su corazón

Life in Honduras... I'm nearly halfway done with my stint here... It's been a beautiful mix of clinic work, scuba diving, walking through jungle roads, soaking in the tropical sun, and playing at night with travelers who have wandered their way to this same island in this same moment and find themselves ordering the same dollar rum drinks in paper cups under bamboo roofs.

I used to love people much more than I do now. I can remember a time when I'd be sitting in this cafe that I just walked for 35 minutes up a winding, crumbling road to get to, and I'd be looking around at the people here falling In love with them and thinking how wonderful they all are... But somehow I've become more cynical. I see myself mirrored in the obnoxious girl who can't sit still, pointing out locations on a map and declaring proudly which countries she's "done"- as though she graced it with her presence, ticked it off a list, crumpled and threw it away when she was done with it.

I remember when my fixation with traveling began and I was convinced that it was absolutely necessary that I went everywhere and saw everything.

It was a juvenile, wide eyed, somewhat ignorant way to live and travel.

I feel the same way about "traveling" and "travelers"... Being those folks with the the backpacks with patches from all the countries they've seen and ticked off some kind of list... I feel the same way as I do about yoga and yogis these days.

I was so obsessed with yoga... Believed that I was one of the chosen ones who was progressing down a secret, occult path. I was in touch with something that others couldn't touch. Mastering poses and balancing while my muscles shook meant that I was a true yogi.

Now I see "yogis" walking around proudly rocking their tank tops with decidedly spiritual symbology and namaste-ing at everything and I roll my eyes.

Something makes me look at these young yogis and travelers and think "they're missing the point"... But that's not fair.

We all walk down our paths at different speeds and see the world through different lenses that we swap and switch out constantly.

Just because I've retired a certain lens doesn't mean I need to reject it and balk at it.  I need to heck myself and not be so judgey.

San Diego has really changed me.

I think this is symptomatic of more than one thing happening in my life- I am in school which is gradually pulling me closer and closer to science and further from the mystical. Just calling something a "mystery" is no longer an acceptable answer. I have no interest in filling God in the gaps.

Descartes copped out if you ask me.

I want proof, scientific method, reasoning, and explanations.

Another thing pulling me further from that open heartedness I used to prance across the planet with is I think due to the people of San Diego.

I have had such a difficult time over the last two years accepting San Diegans as "my people." 

Simply, they aren't.

I find myself constantly disappointed by the energy and mindset of the people my age who chose to live in San Diego.

Until I met my Carlos, I was totally disillusioned by the population in SD besides my parents and the Singh/Rhodes family who I work for and feel like they are my family anyway.

Otherwise I have met almost no-one who I feel a soul connection to which has made me cynical and pessimistic.

My heart is very open with the kids, my family and my boyfriend- but otherwise I walk around rather closed up.

I read a quote this morning and loved it. It reminded me how I feel now- after spending a day in the sunshine with the volunteers here who are absolutely my PEOPLE! 

"When the heart opens, we forget ourselves and the world pours in: this world and also the invisible world of meaning that sustains everything that was and ever shall be. When the heart opens, everything matters, and this world and the next become one and the same."

I hope I can remind myself of this often.