The wind was blowing through the palm trees that surrounded our woven grass roof and rain was falling intermittently- scattering across the folds of the yoga hut and sneaking through little gaps to sprinkle us gently like a baptism.
Four red lanterns hung in the corner of the hut casting a meditative glow across the hardwood floors. The candles and incense flickered in the wind.
I closed my eyes with back flat on the earth, palms open to the ceiling, body drained, worked, and cathartically cleansed and let my breath guide me into a deep savasana meditation.
This was my first yoga class on Roatan the night before last... My first yoga class of 2015... And in all honesty, my first yoga class in a LONG time that I was fully in.
Yoga has taken a turn for me in the last few years and has been a process of undoing... Of unfolding... And basically devolving for me.
I am rarely drawn to practice and when I do it is a chore for me instead of a place of peace and union, like it used to be.
I found myself in this class instinctively kicking up into pincha mayurasana from dolphin pose only to hear my deeper self say "maybe not today. Stick with dolphin." From camel pose I lifted up to drop back into my familiar kapotasana only to hear that voice laugh a little and say "I'm not sure we do that any more."
All these old poses that were the "next level" I had evolved into and become... They were no longer available to my body because I'd been off my mat for so long and my muscles were unprepared for them.
And in this class, tucked back off the main road in the warm island night air... I didn't really mind that this was where I was- because for the first time in a very long time I was actually enjoying my practice and not fighting through it to prove to myself that I still could... It wasn't merely a competition with myself - a physical exercise I was going through the motions doing... It was actually something that it used to be for me long ago before I forgot how to feel this... It was a moving mediation and a little sacred space where I could let myself lay down and just be.
I walked down the road to the Sundowners bar and ordered a glass of shitty red wine and looked out at the rain dripping off the palm trees and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that I was back in the real tropics... The climate where my body feels it's best.
In San Diego I practice at a studio called "Yoga Tropics" which is ironic because I have a strong aversion to going to class there. Although I do like it and as a seasoned yogi and certified yoga instructor I can appreciate that it's a good class... It's just not something that pulls me or draws me in. But here in the real tropics, I am left dreaming of returning to that beautiful evening class bathed in the red light.
Unfortunately I am working in the afternoon/evening this week at the clinic so I can't make it back to the class again, but maybe that's for the best. I love to hold that image in my head in its perfection instead of going back and finding flaws or having it be not as beautiful as I imagine it to be now.
I have 9 more days on this island.
I absolutely love the work here. The clinic is a truly phenomenal operation that I am so grateful to be a part of- especially after spending last week working in the hospital... What a dichotomy.
This is the hospital:
This is the clinic:
The hospital is scary and uncomfortable- broken and rotting.
The clinic is a beautiful haven of health for the people who are willing to wait and come to see a slew of amazing people who are here to volunteer their services and help. A full pharmacy, a lab, pediatrics, OBGYN and a loving environment.
Although I really love the work here, I am aching to get home and see my family, Carlos and my doggies. I think I knew I would be homesick when I was leaving SD last month.
Something inside of my is shifting.
I know... I know that everything inside all of us is ALWAYS shifting- but since Monday (Jan 5th) I really feel something shaking free that's been hanging there blocking something else for a long time.
I can't explain what it is...
And honestly- my mind always skips to malaria- and the time I spent after my infection that left me in a haze and feeling lost, isolated inside myself and a stranger in my skin all at once.
My vipassana a year and a half ago broke through something bigger and maybe this is a residual chunk of something else- an emotional blockage- or else just something I can't define or understand.
Nevertheless I feel clearer and fuller. More whole since that hour and a half spent on my yoga mat- and I want to remember this- carry this with me into 2015.
I didn't set any resolutions of NYE. I didn't even do my ceremony where I draw a circle on a piece of paper and write inside the circle what I want to manifest for myself and outside the circle I'm ready to release for the year...
So here I am on Jan 7th- back at my favorite coffee shop I walked 1.6 miles up a winding road to get to...
And I'm setting my intentions:
I intend to exercise every day because it makes my body, mind and soul feel right.
Even if it's just some squats and climbers and crunches in my bedroom in the morning... Or else running on the beach... Or taking a long walk... Or swimming with dad... Or taking a dance class or spinning class. I need to do something every day of this year.
I intend to practice yoga.
(Note: this is not a part of the exercise intention because that's not what this is... I intend to PRACTICE YOGA- something that is different to what I've been doing the last few years. It's something I used to do and I know what i'm talking about)
I intend to maintain my 4.0 GPA and get clear about my path forward towards medical school or else PA school.
That's all. Exercise/yoga/academics.
Everything else in my life right now is really good and just how I want it.
I love my job, I love my living situation, and I love having such a sweet man in my life who loves me back and treats me so well.
Here's to 2015
No comments:
Post a Comment