Sunday, December 14, 2014

The end of the escape era

I found myself crying and riddled with anxiety this past week, while finishing finals and prepping for my trip to Honduras.

(I'm en route now).

"What are you scared of?" I asked myself, echoed by the voices of my family and friends...
You're a very very seasoned traveller, you've been to far more dangerous and daunting places in the world with much less planning and/or forethought.
What was making this trip shake me to my core?

I said goodbye to my parents and got into Carlos's car heading south towards his house and the airport. When we hit Del Mar I suddenly remembered that I had left behind my rose quartz travel amulet and needed to turn around and go back for it.
My head was throbbing and I was nauseous... I was being a weirdo and my sweet Carlos was smiling and patting my head through the storm.
He pulled off the freeway and headed north as I continued to fight back tears and the sick feeling of anxiety creeping over me.

I walked in the house and my mom in her infinite wisdom and brilliance told me that I was surrounded in golden light and I was safe. She also told me that she thought i wasn't afraid of Honduras but it was actually some fear of leaving my new boyfriend who I've fallen in love with.

But I feel secure in our relationship and I'm not afraid of being apart from him. I really do know that we'll be fine. We're crazy about each other and I have unlimited texting while abroad.

So what is it?

I almost got in an uber and went to meet Jessica Bilson at a friend's party in LA but decided to be a grown up and sat down at the Wolfgang Puck bar for a glass of red wine and a salad.
Cary called me from New York in that moment and just laid it out for me as only a friend of 20 years can do... See directly into your soul and say what you know but just haven't clicked together the puzzle piece in your own mind yet.

Zani.... You're a traveller. You always have been and always will be. But your impetus for traveling is shifting. In the past few years, you travelled to escape. I think you're finding yourself in a life that you don't want to escape from and so maybe for the first time in a long time, you don't want to leave your current reality.  Maybe travel is becoming something you want to share with the person you love instead.

It's true.

I don't want to escape.

For the first time in a long time, I am not looking to escape. I am happy. I am content and fulfilled and I'm good. I don't need to escape my world because my world is filling me with love and happiness right now.

This trip was never meant to really be an escape (although it could certainly serve as that)... It is to further my education and future career. It's a learning opportunity- not a getaway... Because I don't need to get away from anything! :)

I got on my flight to Houston feeling like I had clarity and promptly fainted during takeoff.

The paramedics think that (just like on my flight to Cabo last October for my cousins wedding) it was a mix of alcohol in my system, low blood pressure and high altitude during an ascent. With some air flow and a cold towel on my neck I was fine... But still. Wtf?

Here I am feeling like all my stress and anxiety had melted away because I'd identified the root of it, only to be shoved into THE MOST anxiety producing place I can think of. Trapped in a window seat, in the dark, my two aisle-side neighbors spread out and fast asleep... Me sweating profusely, holding a puke bag and then suddenly feeling my brain silently screaming nooooooo as I pull myself back into consciousness and out of the black tunnel I'd unknowingly slipped into.
Fainting is pretty much the weirdest worst feeling. Like your brain just checks out...
An escape from consciousness.
Thanks to the beautiful woman who helped me off the flight and got me a ride to the next terminal.

I think I'm okay now. Still have 3 hrs here at Houston to drink and smoothie and focus on not escaping but rather being present.


Roatan - I will see you this afternoon.
How amazing to know that I have finished escaping. 
I am ready to just be.

No comments:

Post a Comment