man, i don't know where to start on this one.
*please play that song while you read this... so you can feel my vibe.
because not only is this where i am at vibe-wise...
but this song actually came on my i-thing and played through the boat speakers this evening as we drove directly towards a firey orange sunset, so bright and neon it was illuminating the sea.
(and illuminating my heart with the blatant poetry in motion in that 6 minutes of orangelic presence.)
the water looked like dark black oil with this crazy orange light splashed across the ripples on the surface as the boat carved through the color and bounced with the momentum of the choppy waves...
(birdie had explained it like this to me one time when i first got here and then i saw it in all its magnificence not long after)
we were coming back from tua pajet (the mentawai town) on john & ainsley's big OM-boat as the sun was setting in all its gloriousness... and a silence fell across all of us. everyone seemed to be gazing in a different direction lost in the moment of beauty and bliss. all recognizing that it would be getting dark soon (which is no good for driving the boat and a little scary apparently)-- but so not even worth it to leave that moment and slide into any sort of fear or worry for any moment but that one..(and by the way yes... i said OM boat... it says OM above the capitain's window... pshh. duh.)
the ambu-ambu (ferry) comes from padang every sunday night, arriving in tua pajet on monday... so birdie goes into town to get supplies for the island and today i went on the adventure into town, along with rita, yona, jonas, dohu & pacman (workers/island fam)...
I wore my brown wrappy long sleeve thing that flaps across my shoulders so i would be respectful and sweated so much my hair was totally matted to my head.
i made friends with a couple of the store clerks in tua pajet - its so good for practicing my indonesian... we talk about a lot of stuff - the difference between the mentawais and california, how old we are, if we have brothers and sisters etc. and seemingly everyone's favorite question for - if saya punya pacar/suami (if i have a boyfriend or a husband) it was helpful when i realized that they understood WHAT i was saying when i responded and got into the meat of the conversation - they just didn't understand WHY i used to have a husband and don't have one now because i don't want one.
why? why? why?
i guess maybe i haven't ever really figured out EXACTLY why...
i think maybe i never really explained it to my parents either.
man, maybe i never even took the time to explain it to myself.
i don't know... it seems like just having a feeling that i want to be solo when i watch the sun go down off the side of a boat in the middle of the indian ocean so i can close my eyes and feel my skin around me and know that i am home inside myself and that's enough... well.. why would that not be a good enough answer?
i guess i want to be selfish.
i want to live for me.
haven't you ever heard "do one thing a day that scares you?"... well how about "do one thing in your lifetime that doesn't have a WHY?"
i mean, WHY do those hermit crabs charge it down the beach like they do?
maybe they're looking for food, or feeling like they are growing out of their shell and need a bigger one.
who knows? who cares? - (thats a great local natives song by the way)
i don't know... i guess i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky.
and i realized that not everyone has the same dreams...
nobody has the same dreams.
because i'm the only one in my mind.
(except of course when i connect my spirit with one of my reflection connections - i.e. my friend nate who i completely met in the cosmos this morning and had an incredible meditation connection while i sat cross legged in the wet sand as the waves swept up and around my body.)
but this day was over and it was definitely turning to night.
i let the entire "away we go" soundtrack play on our journey back. (real good)
...shades of indigo, lilac, and the creeping black veil started to shroud the sea ahead of us as our boat bounced back across the darkness towards togat nusa.
when we finally parked the boat and climbed into the little canoe to get on shore i literally had a freak out bliss blast.
i threw my arms in the air and started howling and yelling in my obnoxious over-enthusiastic way
"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HOW FREAKING BEAUTIFUL THIS IS!?!? WE HAVE A DOME OF BRILLIANT MAGICAL STARS ABOVE US - THE WAKE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE CANOE IS SHOOTING UP THIS GORGEOUS WARM WATER AND THE AIR FEELS LIKE SILK!"
Birdie of course started laughing at me.
"just run your hand along the water and look at how amazing this is!" i demanded.
at that moment the water shooting up around the boat started flickering neon greenish blue.
ya, dude. the most magical gift of all.
"SEE!?" i screamed, laughing and reaching both hands off the canoe into the neon spray "PHUCKING PHOSPHRESCENT PHYTOPLANKTON! it's because i GAVE THANKS, dude! I'm TELLING YOU! i was in such a state of gratitude for that moment that the universe was like, oh ya? watch this!?"
...THIS is why i am doing what i am doing.
this is why... this is kenapa saya tidak punya pacar.
kenapa saya tidak punya suami lagi.
(why i no longer have a husband)
i am the only one who can look inside myself.
he who looks outside, dreams of standing beneath an orange sky...
he looks inside, awakens before one...
i dreamed about this in venice beach.
and i am awake here,
and now, tonight, i can sleep knowing that i got to touch the magic of the universe this evening.
and 50 bucks and a lifetimes supply of ice-cream says that my dreams tonight will be beneath an orange sky....
with my brothers and my sisters standing by...
...just like they always have.