My Saturn Return

November 7, 2013

29 years, 6 months, and 22 days ago I was born.

In astrology, you look at your "natal chart" which is basically a snap shot of planets the minute you were born.
The sun was at 27° in the sign of Aries...
The moon was at 11° Scorpio...
Venus was at 11° Aries...
Leo was rising at 11° on the horizon...
and Saturn was at 14° 17' Scorpio...

Today, 29 years, 6 months and 22 days later - Saturn has returned to the sign of Scorpio at 14° 17'...

What does that mean?

Astrologists say that Saturn is the sign of maturity and big life changes and challenges... like jumping over a hurdle you've been prepping for over the last 30 years.  People make big changes around their saturn return - decide to change career directions, or have kids or get married or divorced...
Ya know... all the stuff I did two years ago when I quit my marriage, my job, and my life... gave everything i owned away and moved to a remote island in the middle of the indian ocean - going full gypsy mermaid - and then deciding (between fits of hallucinating fever and bone shattering chills while fighting off malaria) that I should be a nurse and move back to America and squeeze myself through a straw - sitting in halogen lit classrooms and staring into books and at white boards full of mathematical equations and microbiology facts.

So today - it didn't feel like that big of a thing... although I know it is.

So here's what today looked like. (Maybe I will read back on this in years to come and see that something in here WAS indeed foretelling or something).

I skyped with Paul for two hours last night - making a plan B incase I get waitlisted at all the nursing schools I am applying for to start this coming fall.  Our backup plan is that I will move to Australia and live with Paul in the house he's gonna buy and do a Tafe nursing program which will give me credits that I can transfer once I start my practical. (I love this plan.)

The doggies slept on my bed, eventhough I have recently banished them to their own bedroom because sleeping with two dogs makes me not sleep so well... But last night I slept really well and had interesting beautiful dreams that I forgot to write down and then forgot as the morning happened.

I didn't go for a run, but that's okay because I know I'm going tomorrow and I'll run in New York tomorrow when I go to visit Cary. (I'm super excited for this trip tomorrow! :) )

I got my hair done in San Diego and went a little blonder than usual. I bought a beanie and a scarf at the salon.

I rushed home and drank a smoothie and then bolted to class.

Microbiology was actually kind of interesting today - learning about the immune response in the body which I have always thought was really cool. ... I mean... we have cells called "natural killer cells" that go through apoptosis - which is basically like kamikaze suicide bomber style. Now tell me that's not kind of rad. We started our "unknowns" where we have to get a random bacterial broth and then I have to determine what bacterial strain it is by conducting a ton of tests on it.

I came home and Dad had made me yummy dinner and left it on the counter for me. (Living at home is really kind of great)... And there was a package waiting for me.  It was my passport... being returned from the Indian Embassy. I was granted a ten year multiple entry visa for India... meaning that I can go there for as long as I want, as many times as I want for the next ten years. this is freaking awesome.
Clearly this is a sign that it came today. I really think I will be in India and SE Asia a lot over the next ten years. (i certainly hope so)

Then I went down to the beach and had a bonfire with Katie, Rachel and Polly. I love these girls. Although I don't vibe with San Diego all that much, these girls are really awesome and I'm so glad to have them.  We sat in the sand and looked at the beautiful moon and drank pinot grigio and I talked about how I have always equated stability with boredom ... and danger with excitement.
But now I am turning a corner and starting to realize that I might kind of like stability. And that it can still be exciting.
I can call in stability and still have adventures.
And then i saw a HUGE shooting star that nobody else saw... so I closed my eyes and I wished.

I just felt like somewhere there was this man who was calling me in - and dreaming the same dream as me - and we are drawing each other ever closer and closer.

Some friends came and joined us at the fire and we chatted a lot about Indonesia. I miss it so much. There is a part of my heart that will just always ache and crave to be at Togat Nusa with John and Ainz and Beaker. They're my other-side-of-the-world family. I miss them and I can't wait to be reunited with them.  Maybe it won't be until I'm a nurse.
Or maybe it will be sooner than I think.

Now I am home and I packed my little pink suitcase and am just so excited to go to New York City tomorrow for my Goddess Reunion with Cary and Laura. My dearest, oldest soul sisters. I can't wait to lay in bed and drink wine and gush and talk and cry and laugh and sit on Cary's fire escape one last time before she leaves her East Village apartment that I love so much and have had CRAZY amazing memories in - and she'll start a new chapter in Brooklyn next month.

More on this later.

Saturn... Welcome back. 

One stamp.

I got a new passport.

It was such an emotional thing for me to surrender the big fat, weathered and worn booklet that holds the proof of my adventures.  The many extra pages stapled in to my faded blue American passport holds 62 stamps and countless stories.  Sometimes my stories are so surreal and fantastical I have to step back and do little fact check on myself - make sure that I'm not exaggerating or allowing my dreams to sneak their way into my memory bank.

Leonard Cohen wrote a song called "Alexandra Leaving"... The name printed on my passport is "Alexandra" and ironically, passports are all about leaving.  Stepping off and swan diving into uncertainty.  The song has a line that always speaks to me...
He says:

"Even though he sleeps upon your satin.  Even though he wakes you with a kiss. Do not say the moment was imagined. Do not stoop to strategies like this."

I can't tell you how many times I really and truly start thinking that I must have imagined the worlds I've experienced and danced between in my life.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to those worlds again and the further away I get, the less I believe any of it really happened... Sort of like how the further you move away from childhood, the magic that was so tangible as a kid disappears and becomes something you scoff at the legitimacy of as an adult.

And then I hear old Lenny "Do not say the moment was imagined. Do not stoop to strategies like this."
Easy strategy.  Just end the story with "and then I woke up"...

I'm taking a philosophy class right now and it really bends and twists and messes with my mind.  The kids I nanny are obsessed with quantum mechanics and physics.  Everywhere I look I see these huge questions about HOW and WHY and WHAT all this "reality" really is.
Then I flip through my passport and remember what it's about for me.
It's about going everywhere and experiencing everything... and then maybe after I've covered the whole of this vast and beautiful planet and explored every religion... every community and civilization...  walked a mile in every pair of shoes out there... maybe then I'll have an answer for my philosophy teacher and be able to explain what it's all about. Until then - I'm just gonna keep on truckin.

(p.s. my computer just crashed after I wrote that... maybe that was a sign from the universe- reminding me to remind you what life is NOT about.  I really don't think the meaning of life is sitting in front of a computer or staring down at your iPhone all day long attached to instagram and twitter... living life virtually instead of ya know... the real way.)

So I got a new passport and watched the expiration date I've written on SO many customs forms, arrive and then pass me by.

...and this new, hard, stiff empty paged thing came in the mail and then sat on the shelf at the foot of my bed and stared at me.

I hadn't been out of the country in OVER a year (definitely the longest amount of time in my adult life. No joke) I've had an epic adventure to Hawaii and visited Seattle twice and San Fran once and I go up to LA at least once a month - sometimes as many as three times a month... But i hadn't needed to use my passport and it was starting to bug me... until I opened my mailbox one afternoon and had received TWO invitations to destination weddings!
Cabo in October and Barbados the following June. And about a week later the family I nanny for invited me to join them on an epic adventure to Dubai, India & the Maldives for Christmas/NYE.
Off i went... booking flights and feeling the blood rush back into my face.

Before I could even blink, I was at the airport sipping 9:30am margaritas with my Dad en route to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  (time flies faster than any other time when you're in school. maybe it's cuz all I/we do as students is will the time to pass!)

We arrived in Cabo and found that somehow we had the EPIC room that opened out onto bliss perfection. Seriously - walk out the glass slider and you're here.  My parents fell asleep every night on the patio chairs listening to the sounds of the waves.

I must say - the hotel was AMAZING in every way and we definitely want to go back as a family.

I had time to run down to that little bay and dive into the  warm clear water before we had to jump on a yacht for a sunset booze cruise with my whole extended family and the bride and groom.  (my cousin Ev and his drop dead gorgeous amazing wife Katya). We cruised around the water passing amazing rocks and coves that I was just dying to go explore.


As the sun descended into the water for the night, the lights on the shore started to twinkle back at me.

HUGE hotels were stacked on next to the other... night clubs and restaurants... everything set up for tourism.

I wondered what it would be like for people who grew up in Cabo and remember when there was nothing there but a little fishing village and now look at what has been built and created. Crazy, right?

The next morning I got a chance to talk to someone who had experienced just that! (And practice my spanish, since I had a Spanish midterm the day I got back from Mex)

 My cousin's daughter Chloe (with the sombrero on) really really really wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and needed someone to go with her so I went along and it was awesome.

I spoke the entire time to Ernesto a born and raised Cabo man who watched his town become the tourist destination that it is today.

I imagine I will experience this to the tenth power when I visit Dubai in December. I am actually fascinated by Dubai and the brilliant business move to turn it into the most incredible tourist destination on earth so that when the oil dries up, they will still have an economy.

As soon as we got back from horseback riding, I sat with my uncle Steve, cousin Rocky and other cousin Britta and just soaked up the Mexico vibes before getting a massage on the sand right next to the perfect lapping waves. Seriously the most heavenly day.

That afternoon I got to attend my first beach wedding, which is incredible when you think about the kind of company I keep as a mermaid! It was perfect in every way and concluded with dancing so much we had to all jump into the pool to cool off.  

The next day I lay by the pool with my cousins and just blissed out in the sunlight... soaking in the Mexican vibe - the smell - the way the sun beats down with it's mariachi tempo somehow....

And then...

I was home.

One stamp in my passport.

A smile just spread across my face as I wrote that... I guess I just see it as the beginning of the second coming.  The love ninja returns....

:)

I still have a few more years left of nursing school before I can really go FULL love ninja mermaid nurse - traveling around the world, falling in love with everybody... AND being able to fix them when they're sick and broken!

What could be better?

But one stamp at a time I am coming back into myself and out of the funk I've been stewing in for the last year... and finally it feels really good!

spring has sprung

i got my nails done yesterday with my mom. 

they're turquoise.  

i was taking jacuzzi this morning and looking at my nails under the water thinking back to where i was a year ago. (i do this often)…

I was in australia. 

I had returned the car that tawney and i got from traveller's auto barn and drove down the east coast of australia,  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOG1YlWjdZY.... and i was back in sydney staying with my broski, Paul.

Paul was living with his amazing mom, Janice in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney so i got stay in a room with a view that looked like this.... 

I was so in love with Australia after the most epic month ever.

We had gone to 4 Bon Iver shows in Sydney and Brisbane and made friends with the band and hung out with them after every show and got to stay in the hotel with them in Brisbane and go to cuddle koalas together, it was ridiculous. We then got to stay with SO many different friends all the way down the coast.  Some were friends from California, some were brand new friends we had met on the street and just liked straight off the bat, and several were my friends from Indo... guests who had come to stay and of course, Birdie, my island parter... my late night cat-bass, wandering the island under the moon, bff. It was So good to see him and meet all his friends and see where he was from... which is a place i would LOVE to live.

Tawney had already left for Bali and I had another week left, so i went up to the northern beaches and visited my girlfriends who i had also met at Togat Nusa Retreat (the island i used to call home).

I had another best weekend of my life with those girls... met this beautiful guy who said all the right things and showed me his epic house with the ridiculous view that was pretty much my dream house.

I felt so alive in Australia. I made this video that really sums up the whole thing to me.

It was spring time then... but not in Aus.  There it was fall.

After I peeled myself away from the memories that were engulfing me this morning in the jacuzzi, i realized something.

Every spring for the last 3 years i have spent in indonesia and australia  - the southern hemisphere.... where it's not spring... and returned to the southern hemisphere when it's fall in the northern hemisphere.

I haven't experienced a spring since 2009... the year Jamie and I split up.

That's pretty weird.

I floated around the jacuzzi staring at my turquoise nails and soaking my sore muscles from an intense Pilates class i took yesterday and reflected further on my lack of spring.

Ironically, I have felt really flat for the last 7 months since I've been back in America. Depressed. Sad. No energy. All i want to do is sleep. I have no spring in my step.

Literally.

I thought about this Anusara yoga class I took the other day here in San Diego... the teacher was this ripped, Japanese man who talked throughout the class about springtime and how it was now spring and what that meant, and how we could invite vitality into our lives.

These daffodils showed up in the living room this morning.

My mom has always been really good about having fresh flowers in vases around the house.

It made me think about spring time in England and how I would run through Hyde Park every morning through the winter and then it was like BAM overnight the park was littered with daffodils and my heart would spring and i would run faster and my feet were lighter and there was a song inside my head when i saw the flowers.

My birthday is in spring. It's coming up on April 16th.

Last spring, i was in fall.
And i fell down a rabbit hole right around my birthday.
I completely and totally lost myself in that fall when i got sick and never fully came back.

I never sprung back to life after all that and ever since then, i feel like i have been battling with someone i don't know who is living inside me insisting that i am sad and negative and sleepy all the time.

I'm taking control of my life again this spring. I am currently on a juice cleanse and practicing yoga regularly... I'm taking all kinds of supplements and doing meditations where i visualize happy things.
I am trying really hard to come back to myself.
And i am hoping that springtime will be a springboard for me to do that.

I miss Indonesia. I miss Ainsley and John who own Togat Nusa where I used to live and work. They are my family and I feel like those islands are my home and they are so far away... A part of me wants to ditch out on school and run back there and bask in the sun and snuggle Beaker, the monkey and make green smoothies with Ainsley and laugh and swim around the island under the full moon and be SO inspired to write all the time...

But ya know... it's fall there. And i need springtime.

I also need to explore places i haven't been yet that are a little closer and a little more accessible for me... like central and south america.

I am going to Mexico in October for a wedding and then I think in the new year i will travel a whole bunch.
I just have to figure out how to make a whole bunch of money. (always the way it seems)...

I wonder what happened to that brave girl who just trusted that everything would work out and gave everything she owned away and went to indo with bubbles coming out of her ears.

I really miss that spontaneous, bouncy, happy version of me.

Sometimes I think she died and is never coming back and that's okay i guess, because i'm just here.
And here is the only place i can be right now, because if i try to move from here i will be there and it will be later anyways.

So... Here i am staring at turquoise nails and yellow daffodils and globes of the world...

I know I'm still a gypsy and a love ninja and a mermaid... I'm just in this weird incubation period right now.

My sister said she feels like i am in some kind of weird 5 year sleep tank where i'm supposed to wake up and bam. it's 5 years later and for some reason i woke up inside the tank and i'm clawing at the walls to get out but at the same time i know i'm just here and should probably just fall back to sleep.

Everything is weird but i think maybe hopefully that spring will spring me out of this head funk and back into some semblance of the flowers in my hair, smile across my face kinda girl i used to be.

Only time will tell..

all i did tonight...

was make this video...



 It's Aaron Glass's birthday and I'm not in SF.
I wish i was.

 I chose this life.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

 One day (soon)... soon, because time is just all relative... one day soon i will be a free gypsy again.

But this time i was travel with purpose and heal and help our sick and dying brothers and sisters around the world...
 And I'll be able to cruise up to SF to celebrate with my friends when the time calls for me to do so.

 It takes SO much for me to stay still.
 But i can do it.

 I helped my cousin Heidi deliver her baby last night in LA, and then charged it down to San Diego to ace a math test this morning...

If i can do that, i can do anything, even staying put until i get this degree.

 AY AY AY AY AY...

Maui Oh Wowie

I finally made it through my semester.

I got straight As.

I can't hardly believe i made it. But that's always the way isn't it? we always make it through, somehow someway. life goes on.

and on.

and on.

So i made it through my semester and this trip to Hawaii was the only thing that was keeping me going in a way. I was so excited to be in a tropical region where i would be HOT and sweat all the time and float in a calm crystal blue ocean and fall asleep all day on the beach with a novel on the sarong next to me.

My soul brother Nate was having a hard time. He broke up with his fiancee and was in a shit storm of self destructive thoughts and was reaching out to me so in my perfectly predictable zani style... i invited him to come on my vacation.

I knew that he needed to get away from everything that was fucking with his mind and i was willing to share my paradise with him.

As much as we had a wonderful time and went on many incredible adventures, it was no longer MY trip and suddenly was ours and i found myself in moments of wondering why i always do this... reach out and try to rescue everyone. Why i am on this journey to become a nurse so i can literally reach out and rescue people.

But nevertheless - we went on what was now OUR trip and I arrived in a climate that was disappointingly perfect. It was mild. Not too hot and not too humid. I soon realized that's what they call it "peak season" over christmas, because its the coolest the temps get and people usually don't like it when its so hot you can't walk barefoot on blacktop... i do.

We started staying at my beautiful friend Moana's house - but Moana was in a new relationship and working her butt off and was not around very much and we were staying in her mom's massage room. Her mom was sweet and came out with us several times, but I didn't really feel comfortable staying there not having really known her ahead of time... Luckily on Christmas, my friend Kelsey's parents invited us to move to their property which is nearby and was totally out of the way and didn't feel like an imposition at all and seemed to be the best idea. We all still hung out and went on adventures all the time.  Kelsey was on vacation too - visiting her family (and lucky lucky me) over the holidays. She is in business school on Oahu. 

I met both Kelsey and Moana at Togat Nusa Retreat in the Mentwais when i was living out there and they came as surf goddess guests.  We bonded straight away and spending time with them on Maui only made me love both of them even more. They are badasses like none other. I love them!

We dubbed the cottage "Lilikoi studios" and brought over all of Carl (Kelsey's man)'s drums and studio gear... We played jam band every night and would wake up looking out over Haiku and although it was pretty much always raining I came to love my little home in Haiku.  I could walk down to the kombucha store and get mason jars filled of the nectar... And i wore rubber boots every day. 

My second night there, Kelsey came in to the massage room at Moana's when i was lying in bed and decided that i didn't want to go out to this hippie rave they were wanting me to go to... Kelsey wasn't having any of it and forced me up and put galoshes on my feet - explaining that in Hawaii they are called "rubbah boots" - i dont know why i thought it was so funny, but i bought a pair the next day at walmart and wore them every day after that.

We ended up driving on the windiest roads of my life (later i found out was the road to Hana) and then back to a gathering that was happening on the solstice (12/21/2012) and end of the Mayan Calendar. Ram Daas was officiating this amazing party on the property that belonged to a guy named Blue Mountain.

We were in the giggliest, craziest state of mind, and stumbling upon drum circles and an octagon shrine filled with an orchestra and belly dancers and a giant crystal the size of a cow that a guy was hugging... well it was just all too much for us and our rubber boots. So Kelsey made the call and we charged it to the top of Haleakala Volcano to watch the sun rise over the day that was never going to come according to the Mayans. It was mind blowing and probably the funniest night of my entire life. Kelsey has a whole journal of all the funny things everyone said which was pretty much everything all night and into the next day.

This was just the beginning of the vibe of the trip! We went on constant adventures from midnight journeys to waterfalls and everything in between... We danced and ate and drank and drank and drank... We went camping in Hana and had a magical new years out there with some incredible people. I wrote two new songs and and painted some really cool paintings with the art supplied Nate bought. I managed to get some quiet alone time towards the end of the trip and ran into my cousin Bennet and his fiance Michelle on the touristy side of the island. All in all it was a truly magical three weeks and all i know is that i will definitely be back again!

I wrote a piece for the live like you're on vacation site and cited these as my top tips for travelling to Maui:

Best Beaches:

• Makenna - known as "big beach" this family favorite is a great spot to whale watch and sunbathe. You only have to scale the side of a rock to climb into the clothing-optional hippie drum circle vibe at "little beach"- Sundays at sunset things get groovy. *careful of the intense shorebreak. I saw a skim boarder break his neck! Ouch.

• Baldwin - on the windier north side of the island, you'll probably spot some amazing wind and kite surfers shredding the seas and if you're lucky, you might catch a couple sea turtles cruising too. Ho'okipa is just down the way.

• Hamoa - this Hana beach is awesome for surfing, family BBQ, or just having a beer with friends! A great place to spend the day, but bring your own food and snacks. You won't want to leave and come back!

Food/drink:
• Flatbread company - amazing pizza and killer ginger cocktails. It gets packed so get there early. (In Paia town)

• Haiku cannery fish taco stand - adjacent from the Haiku Grocery Store- this is the best fish taco on the island... hands down. 5 bucks. Huge plate. Use the tiger sauce!

• Maui kombucha - words can't express how much I love this place. 3 daily flavors that change throughout the day on tap. Lovingly referred to as "booch" - get a mason jar and refill daily. Don't forget to get your card punched and get your tenth booch free!

• Sports Page, Kihei - somehow this gypsy mermaid stumbled into a sports bar and found the meanest Bloody Mary of all time. I was not mad about that. After you're good and married, walk out front and catch a glorious Maui sunset!

• Charlie's- the fabulous, famous bar in Paia Town... Has the best bartenders ever and hosts live music on some nights, and if not, there are DJ's. Check the calendar  I highly suggest it! 

Sight seeing/stuff to do:

• Haleakala Volcano sunrise - get there at least an hour before first light so you have a parking spot and can marvel at the stars... Then watch the sun pour across this epic crater and tallest mountain in the world! (when measured from bottom to top) Do NOT miss this.

• Drive around the west side through Wailuku to Ka'anapali- weave around crazy windy dirt roads that will take your breath away and suddenly pop you out in fancy resort heaven. You'll really understand the island after that drive!

• Whale watching from Kihei- actually you can probably spot whales from anywhere on the south side... But I happened to see an epic humpback whale breach right in front of me from Kihei!

• Rainbow eucalyptus and bamboo forest - on the road the Hana, the "painted trees" are unbelievable. The bark peels back a different color every layer of bark. Well worth a stop!

• Camping in Hana - I was lucky enough to have friends that had a cabin in Hana where about 20 of us camped over New Year's Eve. It's the best vibe ever. No emails. No service, nothing but nature and great people. Word of the wise: it's not a question of IF it will rain, it's WHEN. (Hana is one of the wettest spots on earth.)

• Temple of peace - crystals and new age-y stuff in Haiku... Get your spiritual fix here. Talk to psychics and sit in meditation if that's your bag!

*** Carl Kemper is my good friend and the guy you want to know on maui... He's a badass "Adventure Consultant" - give him a call (808-281-9764) and he'll help you sort out anything you need! From rubber boots to a rental truck... From photography tours to secret locals-only vibe hiking journeys...  to super exclusive hunting expeditions (if you're already licensed and know what's up)- you will be stoked you have his number. Trust me.

Tips:
1. Definitely rent a car- a beater truck if you can- you'll blend in more and don't have to worry about denting up a new one on the windy muddy roads.

2. Get rubber boots ASAP- Walmart or hardware stores... You'll be stoked you have them and its oh so fun to offroad through deep puddles just cuz you can :)

3. Pick up hitchhikers! Maybe even take them to coffee if they rule. Chances are they will, and you might get your world rocked!

4. Bring your camera, leave your laptop.
The gopro is a great choice- easy to carry, waterproof and pretty indestructible. You can even mount to your surfboard, hood of your car, etc. and timelapse like whoa.

5. Let go and surrender to the island vibe! Alooooooha!

**Most photos by Nate Siggard - www.natesiggard.com