I trudged up the steep hill through the monkey forest from McLeod Ganj up to Tushita Meditation Center... The little zen zone that seems to hang above all of Dharamshala like a prayer hovering over the head of the Dalai Lama's hometown.
The trail is tough to walk up and I was weighed down pretty heavily with my huge backpack and other bag that holds all my shoes and the big hand-made Tibetan singing bowl.
I kept telling myself like the little engine that could... "I think I can... I think I can..." and visualizing all the friends I've met who have been trekking- including Aaron Glass, who I'd be heading to Varanasi to meet the day that this course ended.
I had finally made the decision to come the day before.
I booked in, packed up, bid adieu to my monk friend, and emailed the world letting them know I'd be crawling inward for 10 days.
Scared of being silent for so long, before I started the walk up the hill to Tushita, I bought an Indian SIM card spent well over an hour on the phone with Shayno who was in Padang at the time, using ALL his pulsa and most of mine.
We didn't even talk about anything that exciting but he laughed at the prospect of me actually staying quiet for 10 days.
Though I chose the course deliberately (albeit totally last minute and on a whim, really)- I saw the sample schedule and aside from the last two days (a fully silent, sitting in meditation only 'retreat within the retreat' as venerable Rinchen, our meditation teacher would say) - the first 8 days we had lectures on Tibetan Buddhism for half the day and would break in to small discussions groups - which turned out to be my second favorite part of the day- just so I could ramble!
But I was almost unable to speak my name I was so out of breath walking up the path, sweating, exhausted and nervous looking up the hill- wondering why on earth I didn't get a taxi to take me up and around through Daramkot....
Just then a guardian angel walked up behind me- his name was Yoel- an unbelievably friendly Israeli man with bright green heart-chakra eyes, t-shirt and energy, who just took my bags off my shoulders and then put his hand under my backpack and literally pushed me up the stairs leaving absolutely no weight on my body and making it completely effortless to skip up the stairs and into the 'silence please' zone.
So grateful for his help I totally ignored the silence signs and whispered to him- chatting for about a half hours about yoga and lightness and the lack of suffering we felt - sitting at the plastic picnic tables... The rest of my 63 person course trickled in and either sat in silence or also whispered to new friends and strangers that we would all be falling in love with over the next ten days.
Yoel left me, giving me his cell phone number and offering his hotel for me to leave my stuff or shower after the ten days.
Ya... Like I said... Guardian Angel.
So, I opened the new notebook I had just bought and wrote on the first page
Tushita Meditation Center
Day#1
(I left two lines and then wrote Day #2.... to 10... I figured every night I could sum up the previous day...)
This works well for re-telling the story of my adventure at Tushita too- because if you just want the cliffs notes version... Here it is:
Day #1:
OVER-THINKING
(also... I don't like the way Glen writes the letter "p"... Really irritating)
Day #2:
More monkeys in my mind then are running around Tushita's property... And they are EVERYWHERE!
Day #3:
illusions, delusions & karma
*I got to spend a solid 30 min mindfulness meditation on loving-kindness tonight with my daddy- surrounding him in light.
ALSO- my ears popped like I'm going UP!
Day #4:
mindfulness is space...
the mind is the sky...
Buddhism is a science of the mind...
attachment is a belief in permanence....
i believe that WE are microcosms of the universe & it's cyclical big bang existence.
Day #5:
. . .
TONG-LEN. LOVE WITH WISDOM. (monkeys too)
Day #6:
Mind-blowing!
- the nature of reality according to Tibetan Buddhism. (and I mean wowie wowie stuff and also the Prana wind energy associated with the very subtle mind - the tiny white light that gets blown from one body to the next... One realm to the next... Or for high level practitioners who are like wind-surfers- their minds get BLOWN!!!!)
Everything is so unreal and so re and just M.I.N.D.B.L.O.W.I.N.G!!
Day #7:
Divine Gratitude & a stroll to Stupa Land...
(buddhists... Koo-koo!)
Day #8:
Be. Here. Now. (well don't mind if I do)
Day #9:
using the mind to investigate the mind.
AWARENESS OF AWARENESS!
Day #10:
Hello. Goodbye.
(I love you)
---
I wrote exactly 100 pages of notes, poems and thoughts in my notebook journal.
I became known (I found out) as the bendy girl who was always writing...
I like that.
So I will just pick little entries to share and recap as I see best. (but FYI- if you want Buddhism through my brain- just ask to borrow my journal an read it. It's amazing.)
Day #1:
OVER-THINKING
(also... I don't like the way Glen writes the letter "p"... Really irritating)
So Yoel left and I started writing a little- looking up to see a pretty blonde girl and a bearded guy- I recognized their accents through their whispers- she was English and he was Scottish.
I caught both their eyes and smiled.
The German nun was calling out names to come inside the diningroom and register, get your rooms and karma yoga jobs, and put all electronic devices and instruments and anything remotely distracting (shock horror)... In their safe.
The group seemed like a very mixed bag of beautiful young people, some Indian locals and some elderly people - one guy was 75!
The names were getting called depending on when you signed up.
(I knew I'd be one of the last so I just sat back and relaxed in the chilly afternoon.)
Tushita is about 7000ft up in the hooting and hollering red-faced monkey forests. We all started bundling up as the temperature dropped and dropped and the German nun told us we could rent a duvet.
The bearded Scot and I were last. He whispered that he wanted two duvets and i agreed! He introduced himself to me in the line as "Mikey"... Oh Jesus I though to myself... As if I don't have enough Mikey's in my life.
I didnt realize just yet- that this Mikey might be the best one yet. Truly my brother from another mother.
We got paired up as Karma Yoga buddies to clean the plastic picnic tables we had just been sitting at waiting- every afternoon at 1pm. (this, by the way, became my number one favorite time of day)
I glanced over as I was waiting for the room allocation table to clear out and I saw a Tushita brochure that said,
"real happiness begins when you start to cherish others." - Lama Zopa Rinpoche
(I didn't know then that Lama Zopa Rinpoche would be coming to spend the week at Tushita while I was there. He is a really big deal- he is the founder of the FPMT- Foundation for the preservation of the Mahayana tradition)
In Bed night #1
Made it!
We were able to talk until 8pm-- the Scotish Mikey and I had to split ourselves up in the Gompa because we kept cracking up-- I mean fully coming unglued- especially when Vladmir, the Russian would talk in his resounding stereotypical Russian voice. Mikey gets to room with him and the quintessential German who had cycled from Germany to India.
You couldn't script this.
(Mikey and I decided we needed to write a screenplay on this cast of characters)
I was put in Dorm 3 with Alice-the beautiful French yoga gypsy, Jo- the little Australian with the soft voice and Doe eyes, Maria- the fiesty Israeli who I ended up sitting next to in the Gompa, and one more Israeli girl I never got a chance to speak to.
Very weird introducing yourself an then hitting the mute button like "okay-talk to you in ten days" and them sharing a room and sleep space and co-existing in silence (I hope).
I also decided to record my dreams each morning.
Glen, our teacher seemed extremely intelligent and thorough. He writes the letter p weird which irritates me- but I guess I could have worse complaints!
And I already love our meditation teacher Rinchen.
Every time he does something funny I crank my head around to catch Mikey's face and we both get the giggles.
Thank God we are separated. I can't stop laughing once I start and in silence its not cool.
Day #2:
More monkeys in my mind then are running around Tushita's property... And they are EVERYWHERE!
(p.s. There was definitely asparagus in the soup last night. That is going to bug me all day)
Woke up to the gong in the dark - flicked on my light. I can barely remember my dreams. Something about india and having missing limbs.
I almost said something to my roommates about how hard the beds were but remembered I was in silence. Weird.
There was definitely asparagus in that soup last night. I HATE that. Makes my pee smell for the whole day. So annoying. And apparently some people don't have that. Uggggggh.
Also- I totally want to borrow my roommates moisturizer but I can't ask.
Shit!
Oops. Can I think that word here?
Relax.
I emerged into the dark morning. No clue what time it was.
Who cares.
It was a foggy and beautiful dawn- mist danced between the pine trees the way it would in Carmel.
I felt Aunt Devon.
Knowing I would be sitting for a few hours, I skipped down and back up the 118 steps to the stupa at the entrance to Tushita and then back up.
Trying to be all Buddhist and respectful, I slowed my roll and walked around the stupa reverently, only to come to a screeching halt half way through. I was going COUNTER clockwise. (big faux pas)
I quickly did 3 clockwise circles and headed up the path envisioning prayer beaded monkeys in the trees shaking their heads in disapproval.
6:45 gong means morning mindfulness meditation was about to start. I felt achy and ready for yoga- not sitting cross-legged for an hour.
Such bad monkey-mind in meditation.
I think I have too many
expectations or something.
I could not relax. I kept having to draw my mind back.
I realized that I have a habitual thought pattern of living in the future.. In fantasy.
Maybe that's why I like to write about what just happened- tell the story of the past to balance the scales because my imagination and thoughts are always in the future it seems.
It seems all over the world, wherever i go, I attract people who want to, or need to talk.
I act as a sounding-board for friends and strangers and impart my advice, what I see...
Though sometimes i get overwhelmed and burned out... So I am loving this idea of being alone and undisturbed so people can't tap me and ask for things.
Interesting unintentional word-play there...
"so people can't tap me" - I meant referring to someone tapping me on the shoulder to pull my attention back to them, but it could also subliminally mean to TAP me, like you tap a keg- and take my energy out of me.
Being in silence is amazing.
...
Beautiful rural india sunset through the monkey-filled forest and vines draped off branches hanging down like tears suspended in time... Distant sound of left-over Diwali bombs being lit off and some bells or birds. Can't tell which actually.
There are pastel colors smeared across the sky as I watch with a mind full of mindful thoughts left over from our lesson on the Scientific materialistic view vs. The Tibetan Buddhist interpretation of what the mind is.
The gong sounds that it's time to go in to the Gompa for our pre-dinner meditation hour.
Mikey and I had a secret chocolate eating party and communicated by writing notes (illegal but totally worth it to laugh a little)
Day #3:
illusions, delusions & karma
*I got to spend a solid 30 min mindfulness meditation on loving-kindness tonight with my daddy- surrounding him in light.
ALSO- my ears popped like I'm going UP!
Back to back breathing meditations- really good.
The morning sunlight creeps in the windows as the monkeys giggle and remind me to go back to the breath.
Yoga for breakfast on the roof. Amazing way to start the day - one hour meditation followed by one hour of yoga alone before I even have tea or look at a person.
I wish I could do this every day of my life.
It's amazing how quickly we forget... Everything!
But mostly how quickly we forget positive routines that serve us! Living on bay street with Jamie I would be up at crack of dawn and down to yoga. I loved it and felt the best ever.
I fell off.
I fell into old, destructive patterns of staying up late- I even left my nest and created and moved into a house that didn't sleep.
Lessons on the 3 poisons - ignorance, attachment & aversion.
Glen said artists are often afraid of letting go of attachment because consciously or not, we believe we have muses and like our disturbing negative thoughts are the fuel for our creativity somehow.
Very interesting thing to consider.
Another thing we talked about was "cognitive fusion" - if we identify a person with their behavior, we will either attack the person or accept bad behavior if the person is close to us.
Instead, we can identify a person engaging in a harmful situation and find compassion.
A resentment or grudge comes from this cognitive fusion... Holding someones behavior against them- carrying aversion or anger and it ends up harming US!
I zoned out for a solid half hour during lecture, day dreaming about climbing trees.
When my attention came back to the room I was so angry at myself- before I saw the way I cognitively fuse myself too!
We had a fantastic discussion group. Everyone started by saying how much they were loving the silence.
I had a moment of high drama zani-ness and said how I kind of hated it and totally wanted to get to know all these beautiful people!
In every moment, we are having an experience and a reaction to that experience... Often we react out of habit. The goal is to strengthen our mindfulness and slowly we have the option to respond in a different way and steer our lives in a different direction.
A life without mindfulness is a life of ignorance where we believe that everything is pre-determined
We are the masters of our destiny
We are accountable for our actions!
Meditation on the kleshas- my ears popped like I was going up. As though i was re-acclimating.
So weird.
I have been at this altitude for a week.
Maybe I was acclimating to the course.
Finished the evening with meditating on the four opponent powers and did a "loving-kindness" meditation.
Holy glowing orb of golden light in my heart! Wowie.
We were told to visualize someone we loved very much to start... Someone who's attributes were totally lovable and easy to find.
I saw my dad.
I saw him so clearly- like I was looking at a slideshow.
I felt his eyes... The way the one eyelid twitches a little when he sings a low note... The tiny beauty mark on his cheekbone... I could feel his reassuring hand on the back of my neck... I saw him young and old... Wearing a white tuxedo an goofing off... Wearing his big black leather and mink coat with his serious professional face on... I saw him sitting at his desk surrounded by stuff we made him as kids... I saw him bouncing me on his knee strumming the William Tell overture with his voice... I saw him playing with their new puppy I haven't let yet. I saw him eating dinner by candlelight with my devoted and beautiful mommy.
I surrounded him in light and I held it there and said "May you be well. May you be genuinely happy. May you be free from all suffering and it's causes."
I came out of that meditation buzzing and shining with joy.
Day #4:
mindfulness is space...
the mind is the sky...
Buddhism is a science of the mind...
attachment is a belief in permanence....
i believe that WE are microcosms of the universe & it's cyclical big bang existence.
I woke up remembering my dreams vividly... Lots of vehicles... Belief... Confusion...
Beautiful symbolism woven through the words and images my mind wrote as I slept.
"love with wisdom" echoed through my head as I woke up.
Our lectures began and immediately drew me in.
Glen said "we've been looking through green sunglasses our whole lives... Strengthening our ignorance. Believing the world is green. Someone says the world is not green... You say they're nuts. The same way a Buddhist tells you their view on the nature of reality... We start by thinking they might be crazy. It seems impossible. Until you take the green sunglasses off."
**it's far too great a philosophy for me to try to drum up here...
The things I underlined and put stars next to and made bold by writing over and over on top of the words with my pen are
Attachment is a belief in permanence... (a fight against reality which we invariably lose and thus... Suffer)
Our habits are not us!!!
Bardo! The stage of rebirth when the very subtle mind (the part that transcends to the next body) exits the current body and waits to decide where to be reborn... That stage is called Bardo.
Made me laugh thinking about the after-hours club above Avalan in Hollywood called Bardo - where you go when the clubs closes and you aren't ready to go home. Very clever naming!
They must be Buddhist or understand the pun!
Sleep yoga--- lucid SLEEPING is more difficult then lucid dreaming... Trains us to stay mindful during the death process.
I wrote a death song. It's beautiful eventhough it has no tune yet... I couldn't sing or use a guitar so it's only in my head.
Mindfulness is space - holding still and being present... Holding space for the NOW by calming the thoughts jumping around past to future.
The mind is the sky-- to say "look at the sky"... Well... It's everywhere... It's in front and behind and up and down.... It's formless and shapeless. Thoughts pass through like clouds. Sometimes a huge storm.
You just watch what comes up and watch it roll away.
---
We finished the day with a very heavy intense and amazing meditation on imagining your own death.
Who do I need to forgive?
Who needs to forgive me?
I felt blessed beyond words to have such an incredible support system of family and friends I could imagine would be by my side. My beacons.
Before bed we chanted to Shakyamuni Buddha "tayata OM muni muni. Maha muni-ye soha"
We chanted - all 63 students in one voice. We sang and sang and sang looking at a picture of the Buddha. The father. The OG.
Where is he now?
I think we'll cover that tomorrow!
Day #5:
. . .
TONG-LEN. LOVE WITH WISDOM. (monkeys too)
Sunrise from the steps of the Gompa.
I think I have finally slid into this silence.
Not waking up with the immediate urge to talk.
There is space.
Space is so good.
I've been thinking alot about my aunts. My mother's sisters Lauren and Devon. Devon is no longer with us and I keep feeling this desire for her to be alive!
I keep wondering if that's a non-virtuous, selfish thought. I mean, essentially wishing she wasnt further evolved down the continuum of the mind.
That's not right.
I need to rejoice that her mind and soul (I know buddhists don't say "soul" but dammit, I do)
Has found another body to be in because she spent this last life helping so many monks... And me.
Ha. There's a good title for a book. "monks and me."
I dreamt I watched myself give birth last night. Very strange.
He was born at 10:02 and I was supposed to remember that and the number 1184
Who knows?
After morning meditating i did a grounding yoga class on the roof.
As I drank my tea afterwards I found myself watching the smallest bugs on the earth rather then staring at the sunlight coming through the pine trees and the sky as I usually do.
Learning about the 3rd and 4th Nobel truths.
Knowing how to give, when to give, when not to give, how much to give... This is BIG for me- and from what I understand both my sisters too.
My parents just did too good teaching us to be giving I guess! Ha.
----
Vajrayana.
----
I can't write here about that section... But it was the most powerful part of the entire course.
I meditated on a lot of things from the past and got some clarity and it was insane
Cultivating compassion
We must be in a mental and physical state that we can help others!
Equanimity is important!
We are all equal in wanting to be happy and free from suffering. We can develop a closeness to everyone - giving up attachment to friends, apathy to strangers and aversion to enemies.
Immeasurable equanimity = the wish for all living beings to be free of attachment and aversion.
Boddhicitta- taking on the personal goal to help every sentient being overcome suffering.
(at the risk of sounding too crazy or holy-then-thou -- I believe we did this in Venice. We really truly had this intention in creating the Om hOMe. We just got distracted by shiny stuff)
Mother tereasa "only a life lived for others is a life worth living."
Tong-Len meditation-- pulling in the suffering of another which in turn explodes your self-cherishing heart and shoots light beams of healing and the cure back out to the sufferer.
Shayne did this with me when I was sick with my kidney problems a few months ago.
I will never forget his intuitive healing he did on me.
Then he touched my third eye an said "it starts here."
We. Tong-Len'd all evening.
Delighting in my loved ones' joy and taking away pain from those I know were suffering.
I am so grateful for my tribe.
I hadn't showered since day 2 and was loving it. Feeling blessed- coated in the wisdom I was attaining each day.
Writing by candlelight as I fell asleep- my sweet roommates all deep in their books and journals too.
-
I woke up in the middle of the night terrified by the vividness of my dream. I watched my dead friends come back to life.
So much symbolism throughout the dream.
The monkeys were trying to get into the garbage- banging outside the window.
I breathed in their desire and fixation- their attachment to eating the trash and breathed out patience to them.
Day #6:
Mind-blowing!
- the nature of reality according to Tibetan Buddhism. (and I mean wowie wowie stuff and also the Prana wind energy associated with the very subtle mind - the tiny white light that gets blown from one body to the next... One realm to the next... Or for high level practitioners who are like wind-surfers- their minds get BLOWN!!!!)
Everything is so unreal and so re and just M.I.N.D.B.L.O.W.I.N.G!!
Wisdom.
Who is the me?
This eternal mind living inside this body right now.
Right now I see the sea of oneness - the mass of sensations and vibrations - which is a flow of transformation- with billions of minds- long continuum strands of experience running through the mass.
Things are empty of inherent existence because they are dependent arisings.
Emptiness = dependence
The movie "waking life" is so amazing.
I wrote this poem:
------
Let's dispense the senses.
Yes, let's find a middle way.
Draw lines around the emptiness
From dawn to dusk each day.
Lets shaken and awaken from this walking waking world.
Come lucid in this game we play, wake up before we're old.
Our mind is renting space here in the bodies where we reside.
Though a body's just a flow of transformation where we hide.
We'll sit in meditation.
Ponder this here permutation
It's all just imputation
Not a lot of variation
But a constant combination all the same.
We're giving names.
Though who exactly are "we" anyway?
Some subtle minds?
Or the collective light of where we stay?
It seems for now, we're locked in this continuum of nothing
So... I guess I'll have another cup of tea.
-----
Enlightenment is the understanding of emptiness.
Enlightenment means there is no duality.
ME can only exist if there is a NOT ME or a YOU or a UNIVERSE.
Believing in an independent ME means there is no NOT ME to compare it against.
You can only have a subject with an object.
Soooo... What part of ME contracts around the ME?
There is not one single boundary in the entire universe.
Boundless love and compassion can be born.
... Investigating reality is f-ing AMAZING!!!!!
Day #7:
Divine Gratitude & a stroll to Stupa Land...
(buddhists... Koo-koo!)
Things just got more and more incredible in the lessons.
Lama Zopa Rinpoche arrived, as he is recovering from a stroke and decided to hole up right next to the Gompa.
Seriously amazing man. High level practitioner and the founder of the Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition.
We left on a walk to see the Stupas dedicated to two other amazing Lama's...
Back at the ranch - my group of rebel soldier upper path dwellers met in the dark to cheat and whisper a little to one another- cloaked in our multiple-colored yaks fleece blankets.
A group of men walked by with flashlights obviously just cutting through Tushita on their way from Dharamkot to McLeod Ganj below.
As one walked by he said "Buddhists.... koo-koo" sounding like a Swiss clock.
We all erupted into laughter.
Yup. We sure are.
Day #8:
Be. Here. Now. (well don't mind if I do)
All meditation all day.
Powerful.
For me.
Day #9:
using the mind to investigate the mind.
AWARENESS OF AWARENESS!
The second day of our "retreat within a retreat"- silence and mediation.
Just be.
Just be aware.
Just be aware of being aware.
Day #10:
Hello. Goodbye.
(I love you)
We broke silence after breakfast and it was like a party just started and couldn't stop.
We all revealed out identities to eachother and marvelled in one another.
We had a picnic lunch and then checked out reluctantly leaving this amazing place.
Truly- I will hold this experience in my heart forever- into the next lifetime and everything!
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