balance on a boat...

balance on a boat



Laying on the top deck in the sun...
I'm on kaimana- a surf charter boat with 10 guests, 8 crew and me. Out in the mentawai islands chasing perfect waves for ten days.
Our little speedboat dingy zips back and forth carting surfers to and from the crashing reef break at telescopes.
The sun dips and peaks behind clouds hovering overhead...
There is a haze but it's another divine day in paradise.
In the distance I can see the silhouetted outline of pitojat island... The piece of heaven on earth I've been lucky enough to call hOMe this season.
I spent nearly the entire day on land yesterday with my island family... Repeatedly hugging and snuggling everyone that I have somehow come to miss deeply in the 4 or 5 weeks since I've been gone- gallavaning around the telos islands, Thailand and bali with three of my best friends from America who came out to visit me in two consecutive groups.
I finally booked my ticket to australia. My heart was in my throat it always is before I book flights... 
Within 24 hours I was emailing garuda to cancel it.
I'm not ready to leave Indonesia... Again.
This has really become my home over this year and I want to bask in the beauty and love of this country more before I go to India...
Australia is a dream...
I think it's good to have some dreams. Save some for next year--- or further down the line... And save several thousand dollars and possibly make some money to take to India with me by massaging the guests out here...

Also- being on a boat is new and exciting... So different and gives me an in-depth look into the life of my spirit sister liz's life on the boat. She has been on charter boat-trips with her fiancée all season... She is the barefoot bride at sea.

It's ironic that had i gone to australia, I would be coming to see Liz... She was planning to pick me up from the airport... And then at the last minute I decided not to come and now I am living a version of her reality and writing to her regularly.
I love relationships like liz & mine... where everything is an evolution. A self discovery... A journey into these deep realms of our own human psyches.

Yesterday on the island, ainsley and I sat on the back steps of the driftwood castle with the new hostess/surfguidesss who came this week from working on super yachts in Europe.
We talked about past relationships and the lessons we have learned that have enabled us to see where we need to stand now...
The mistakes we repeat, and perhaps need to repeat because we clearly didn't learn the lesson the first time around...
The new surfguidess shared a story about a relationship she was in that when she emerged and came out she shook her head and said to herself "what have I been doing??? I never even went to school like I was here to do... I have been feeding ducks in the park every day instead.... That's not what I wanted to do?!"
Ainz and I just about died laughing deciding that would be our euphemism for that moment looking back at a poor decision that was made blindly in hindsight and having the clarity to see that holy shit! I thought I was living! And really I was just feeding ducks.

I think going to Australia would have just been me feeding ducks.

I don't need Australia right now on this journey into myself.. This time I have carved out to discover and learn and become.

Australia will always be there... It's just a hop skip and a jump from Indonesia which I believe will be my home for a long time.

I'm still not sure exactly what my plan is for the four weeks between The end of this boat trip and india will be- but I am pretty certain want to stay in Indonesia, unless I forfeit my India tickets and go early and mer Aaron like I was always going to...
Though I don't know how many more tickets I can forfeit.
I think indo is the go...
Maybe I will feed ducks, but at least I find life lessons at every turn out here.
I feel like this place is just a constant canvas for creative self expression and discoveries.

I wrote on paper later on:

(sept 4)
Finding balance on a boat...
Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Ray Pfieffer the amazing Venice beach Rolfer/masseuse/teacher of mine.... Taught me about own unique self.
My body doesn't actually necessarily have the correct muscles developed to be able to do what I can do...but I've found a way to precariously stack my bones and achieve an unexplainable balance Nonetheless.
This to me signifies that i must be very capable and intelligent even though I have seemed to swing so far between poles in my life...
So high to low, light to dark, hazy to centered... 
That I don't actually know how I do it.
How I stay alive and safe, healthy and sound when my extremes are beyond extreme.

I think it may have something to do with this balance thing

I practiced yoga on the boat this morning and found that a part of my mind- perhaps the monkey mind swinging from trapeze to trapeze had to stay very focused on balance.
I had to  really keep that "ADD" - wander and flit off to do cartwheels in the desert- part of my mind totally still and focused on maintaining balance as the ground beneath me move and swayed with the tides.
My tricks of being able to stand without trying are fruitless out here.... When your earth is in constant motion.
And this gypsy mermaid lifestyle live chosen to subscribe to does not at all warrant or provide a firm, solid earth beneath my feet.

I must learn these lessons and learn to balance on a boat.
Over the seas.
Overseas.

Yoga is my passion.
My life.
And my favorite thing on earth, but my practice has invariably faltered and fizzled when I leave my beloved Venice beach yoga nest.

I can continue to teach abroad but I find that maintaining my own steady practice of asana and meditation incredibly challenging.

And yet, this morning as I set myself up to practice in the main room of the boat I'm on for the next 10 days... I was beyond capable.

I was centered and focused and practiced intelligently, long and hard. I gave myself a solid vinyasa flow class and then sat in meditation for about 30 minutes gingerly fingering each of the 108 beads of the mala I bought at the Temple of Dawn in Bangkok.
Shayno and I have both been wearing these beads lately and encouraging one another to go slow and find that balance.
Im feeling grateful.
I am grateful to be here - a little uneasy, out of place and of balance because RESTORING balance is one of the most rewarding sensations in life I believe.

Also... From this stable, focused place, the lower chakra monkey energy get hypnotized... Following the metronome of balance and breath...
Engaging fine muscles to stay standing.
The quieter, softer-voiced, yet more developed higher chakra mind was able to take inventory of myself...
Where am I holding on?
Where am I gripping or grasping?
In the past... Present... Future...
In my body and soul...

I was able to feel where I stood.
To be truly present and release pieces of the past that have persistently plagued me.

I am that which I seek.
I am that which I avoid.

------
 

8 days later...
I'm sitting on top of the boat again....
We are down south quite far from where I've been living and have not yet had the opportunity to explore.
We spent a few days at macaronis. One of the hardest hit areas from the tsunami last year at the bottom of north pagai...
Shayno stood on the front of the boat with me one sunset pointing out where everything was...
Land that looks like beach for at least 2 kilometers inland completely wiped out.

I keep singing the Brett Dennan song "nothing lasts forever... Not even the mountains. Someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea. We all shall be blessedly released."

We went much further south to a break called "thunders" that was so heavy and gnarly only one guest had the guts to surf it.
The bellowing sound of the gargantuan waves crashing on the reef shook you to your core a little bit. Also the wind howled and howled.

I came out last night around 2am and snapped my fingers at the sky- in the way a preschool teacher might... I just said "shhhhh"

When I woke up it was calm and glassed off.
"I did that." I said.

The boys (Shayno, Craig and our 10 guests- mostly australian and two canadians) are all getting barreled in front of me as I write this... There are two other boats anchored right now beside us in this spot... The guys take turns gliding along the perfect circular cyclonic waves.. As the wave wraps around the reef I lose sight of them unless they come up above the wave doing an air or something fancy.
Occasionally the surfboard gets waved back and forth signaling our speedboat driver to come rescue. Like a white flag surrendering to the power and force of the mother... Nature takes and gives beatings in this part of the world.

This morning I went into land- to a village called malakopa... I went in with our mentawai captain and deckhand who I have befriended and sit in the back talking to and singing with when I need a little break from the "oye-oye-oye-ing" and bin tang smashing.

We got to land early in the morning and walked through a destruction zone--- mostly overgrown grass and weeds... But there are still remains of houses and churches... Boats and roads...
Everything was destroyed, captain told me.
He pointed out where family of his used to live.
Everyone survived somehow in malakopa but the village a few kilometers back lost many many people.

We trekked up the hill to where the village has been rebuilt... Much higher on the mountain... Understandably.
The villagers were shy at first and then became infatuated with me as they always do in a new village but I quickly made friends and had my usual pied piper dance where all the children follow me around. I pick up more and more little ducklings as I go...
Singing with them, playing and dancing around.
I picked a red hibiscus and wore it behind my ear as we walked up into the newly built higher malakopa village.
All my little friends followed me and wore flowers behind their ears copying my every move giggling and running to hide behind one another.

Captain introduced me to his sister who is thankfully from medan so she spoke indonesian instead of mentawai and i could fully understand instead of my usual half comprehension when conversations in villages happen in mentawai though i am picking up more and more...
We sat in her house for about 30 minutes as she recounted the story of the tsunami for her brother who she hasn't seen.
When the water pulled back into the ocean everyone knew what was about to happen so they woke people and grabbed what they could... She tried to run up the hill with everyone but fell... Then grabbed a coconut tree and it was ripped out of the ground as the surging waters came forcefully and brutally crashing through her village literally and metaphorically uprooting everything. She got thrown to another tree and the same happened. The palm tree she was wrapped around was pulled from the ground. The third time she held on and then managed to get up to high ground somehow. Everyone did.

I look behind me at the 30 or so kids all with flowers behind their ears sitting near me and think of them... Telling a 6 yr old to run for their life.
It's heavy.
They all hold bibles and had big joyous smiles and spirit tickling giggles.

It's Sunday and the church bells started to ring... It must be 10 o'clock. I could see why she wanted to get moving and go to church. I would be wanting to give thanks to something powerful and greater then me as often as possible too.

In their conversation captain would ask about a person - family member or friend and so often her answer was that he or she died.
Everyone would nod...
Ya.
That's too bad.
He got sick.
Thats all.
No prognosis and heavy dramatic fight for life. The earth giveth. The earth taketh away.
It's just part of life here....  
But then... In reality it's part of life everywhere. I mean, death and destruction... Its the only thing you can depend on.
It's the only guarantee... So doesn't that make the rest of this life just such a phenomenal adventure?
It's like keeping the ball in the air in volleyball... Staying alive... Living, surviving, rocking it at existence simply by giving thanks for today... For some it's out there in front of me... Riding the waves and howling as they carve across the ultimate expression of life... The guys are in church right now... For most of my past I've watched my friends make communion and give thanks for life writing music and creating...
For me it's this meditation... It's the inhale. It's the take it all I'm because someday we might be swept away and swallowed by the sea... Blessedly released.

We all will die.

I hereby would like to ask that my ashes get sprinkled along the California coastline... I think of it often... Dreaming of the ride up big Sur towards my grandmere's house and birthplace in Carmel... I think of Malibu and driving to nowhere like it was our job with Jessica- every weekend... Jeep or convertible... Top down- wind through out hair giving thanks for being alive with our arms stretched out wide open... And of course the palisades bluffs... The place I have looked out at and stared into more then anywhere else.

I learned how to be alive on that coastline and want to give it thanks along with this beauty that surrounds me today.

A guest came in about an hour ago his foot totally sliced open and gushing blood... Smiling and woo hoo-ing saying it was the best sesh of his life. Worth the entire trip... Worth the injury shayno was about to clean up for him...

Isn't that the way to live?

It was all worth it because...
I want my answer every day to be ...

It was all worth it because of today.

I wish the same for you.

May we all find balance on this rocking boat of life.

OM, peace