Ride out the wave
A few weeks ago my friend Paul packed up his life in San Francisco to move literally half way back around the planet to Sydney, Australia.
We talked at length during his transition and I imparted what wisdom I have acquired over the last 27 years of my life which has moved me to a new location nearly 30 times in a heaping handful of various countries.
I can shell out advice like its my job... And in fact, it has been my job in several of my life's incarnations as a preschool teacher, yoga instructor, art director and wellness companion... But mostly as a professional friend- which is the occupation I take most seriously in my life.
I shared with my 11:11 loving soul brother the words that I needed to hear too... And found myself really really needing to repeat today.
**Side note: I read and write as I walk. I started doing this while living in London walking through Hyde Park everyday to go to work.
I stumble often but get into the flow while my feet are moving.
Just now, I wrote the first bit of this piece as I walked down mission street from my Goddess sister Laura's house to the BART station after the scalding hot shower i took in the dark while I blasted Kings of Leon and stared at the world map shower curtain and felt the waves of nausea and fear wrapping up under me.
Ride out the Wave...
"the face" by K.O.L. reverberated off the walls of the bathroom.
I was suddenly pulled back into this world and remembered the skills I have as a yogi, as a Buddhist meditation practitioner... I drank in a long deep breath and observed my fears ... solidly committing to riding out the wave... An idea I always share with my friends when they're in this place I now stand in today.
I turned off the water, dried off, ritualistically bejeweled my body, wrapped an orange sparkly strand of beads around my head, doused myself in Laura's lavender oil and set off on my day's adventure to Berkeley.
At the BART station, i saw through the corner of my eye a fortune I had found in a cookie after dinner with Baba Aaron a few nights ago, fall out of my pocket and sail to the ground.
"you are often unaware of the effect you have on others"
Just as I was writing about my commitment to being a solid friend to the people I love, this fortune tumbled out to remind me of its truth.
I hope that I do impart good advice and share my (normally) positive vibes... But I get scared that when I'M stuck or in the dark, I will pull others under with me and suck them into this place I am in today.
Trying hard to ride out this wave alone right now... Figure out where I am and what is happening... And taking all the advice I can, whether regurgitated from myself, or the Kings of Leon, or friends who happen to have picked up on my freak out and have sent me gentle reminders.
I have been inundated with messages and one liners that have come my way in the last few days and made it into my ongoing list of quotable sentences I keep to remember and look back on.
Laura referred to me a tumbleweed last night as I sat in her floor twiddling a wine glass between my fingers nervously.
I asked her if she thought I kept moving and making my life so impermanent in a way so that I have an excuse... If I'm always "about to move" then I can't get stuck... Even though a part of me craves and aches for roots. I stay slippery as a defense mechanism.
Parker Ainsworth - a musician from Venice who I've fallen into a parallel flow with as of late, sings about his hands holding space for roots yet to come.
I know they'll come one day.
And I know that I'm making a choice to be free right now...
And I'm learning that there will always be these waves to ride out along the road.
What I don't understand right now is why I have to crash before I go.
Is it the old rebirth thing? Am I about to reborn... Again?
I know that we have to die to be reborn and I accept it.
But the last few days have been a crazy collision course it seems...
The meeting of many roads and paths- many loves and interpersonal relationships that have met at an intersection where all lights went green and in the middle was an explosion of emotion, leaving me standing in the middle of the road a little numb and lifeless... Much like I did a year ago- when a car collided into mine the week before I moved.
This year it's happening in an emotional realm rather then a physical one... But I feel sore and achy and detached from reality again... Like I'm floating in the space between fear and acceptance but I can't figure out which way is which and where is up... I don't know which way to swim to get air.
Jessica reminded me that "it's not about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I think I already KNOW how to dance in the rain... I just need to be reminded to do it, just like I need to be reminded to meditate and practice yoga and eat raw foods and drink coconuts and green juice when I'm anxious.
Those are my tools that I forget I have in this tool box.
I find that I can always reach in and grab out a band aid for a friend when they are hurt but somehow I let myself bleed and forget that I can help myself too.
I took some medicine today... A yoga class at "Yoga to the People" where i got a message to "travel with love"... Some Kings of Leon therapy and now I am sitting on a train en route to Berkeley to eat an intermezzo salad and dance in the rain (sit in the sun) and remember how high I get on life.
"I hate commitment and communication in relationships. In fact- I think it's just about the only thing I don't like in life. I just want to go ostrich and bury my head in the sand an not deal with shit." I told Laura last night... She laughed and nodded knowingly, sizing me up after almost two decades of friendship.
She knows how I am and always tells me how it is. She calls me out on high drama and brings me back to earth when I catapult into some scenario I am feverishly writing in my head. She knows that I will splatter paint a conversation with wild colorful words to avoid saying the simple things that are caught in my throat cuz I'm scared.
She knows that I'm a hopeless romantic and a total commitmentphobe at the same time.
"It's like snowboarding, Zani. If you don't fall down and get hurt and wake up aching, then you weren't riding hard enough."
I don't know what exactly I am afraid of because I kind of like pain. It's the numbness that scares me more. The NOT feeling.
And today I'm a little dead to feeling.
I know I love traveling... I know I have tons of friends in Australia and am embarking on an awesome month of fun and laughter and love... Followed by my return to Indonesia... The land of literal wave riding and home of my gypsy heart... And as soon as I am gone I will be so happy to be out there in the world.
But today my feet are sticking to the floor. I'm standing on the sand staring at the waves, paralyzed with fear... The sand feels really inviting under my feet. A perfect place for an ostrich's head.
I've made a series of weird decisions lately that have created a disharmony in my life and I guess I'm just sitting in the dissonance.
It just occurred to me that sound waves are the kind I need to ride too.
Maybe this dissonance will resolve into a harmony I can't yet anticipate... But it will come.
Ironically, just last week I was preaching out to anyone who would listen about the chords made by this duality we are blessed to exist in... Recognizing the darkness and minor keys are a part of the whole.... All just elements of this magnificence.
...just straight enough to breathe.
I arrived at intermezzo cafe to eat my favorite salad of the last 10 years to find the restaurant had burned down.
I can't help but find symbolism in it all.
On to Cafe Gratitude to give thanks for the dissonance and the donation poor people bowl...
And for the minor chord ringing out today.
And for my guides and friends I'm blessed to have... Specifically Laura, Jecca, Tawnski, Baba Aaron, Danny & Brother Paul.
I think together we could definitely make a greeting card company with words of wisdom in one liners.
I think the first will be simply "Ride Out the Wave."