One stamp.

I got a new passport.

It was such an emotional thing for me to surrender the big fat, weathered and worn booklet that holds the proof of my adventures.  The many extra pages stapled in to my faded blue American passport holds 62 stamps and countless stories.  Sometimes my stories are so surreal and fantastical I have to step back and do little fact check on myself - make sure that I'm not exaggerating or allowing my dreams to sneak their way into my memory bank.

Leonard Cohen wrote a song called "Alexandra Leaving"... The name printed on my passport is "Alexandra" and ironically, passports are all about leaving.  Stepping off and swan diving into uncertainty.  The song has a line that always speaks to me...
He says:

"Even though he sleeps upon your satin.  Even though he wakes you with a kiss. Do not say the moment was imagined. Do not stoop to strategies like this."

I can't tell you how many times I really and truly start thinking that I must have imagined the worlds I've experienced and danced between in my life.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get back to those worlds again and the further away I get, the less I believe any of it really happened... Sort of like how the further you move away from childhood, the magic that was so tangible as a kid disappears and becomes something you scoff at the legitimacy of as an adult.

And then I hear old Lenny "Do not say the moment was imagined. Do not stoop to strategies like this."
Easy strategy.  Just end the story with "and then I woke up"...

I'm taking a philosophy class right now and it really bends and twists and messes with my mind.  The kids I nanny are obsessed with quantum mechanics and physics.  Everywhere I look I see these huge questions about HOW and WHY and WHAT all this "reality" really is.
Then I flip through my passport and remember what it's about for me.
It's about going everywhere and experiencing everything... and then maybe after I've covered the whole of this vast and beautiful planet and explored every religion... every community and civilization...  walked a mile in every pair of shoes out there... maybe then I'll have an answer for my philosophy teacher and be able to explain what it's all about. Until then - I'm just gonna keep on truckin.

(p.s. my computer just crashed after I wrote that... maybe that was a sign from the universe- reminding me to remind you what life is NOT about.  I really don't think the meaning of life is sitting in front of a computer or staring down at your iPhone all day long attached to instagram and twitter... living life virtually instead of ya know... the real way.)

So I got a new passport and watched the expiration date I've written on SO many customs forms, arrive and then pass me by.

...and this new, hard, stiff empty paged thing came in the mail and then sat on the shelf at the foot of my bed and stared at me.

I hadn't been out of the country in OVER a year (definitely the longest amount of time in my adult life. No joke) I've had an epic adventure to Hawaii and visited Seattle twice and San Fran once and I go up to LA at least once a month - sometimes as many as three times a month... But i hadn't needed to use my passport and it was starting to bug me... until I opened my mailbox one afternoon and had received TWO invitations to destination weddings!
Cabo in October and Barbados the following June. And about a week later the family I nanny for invited me to join them on an epic adventure to Dubai, India & the Maldives for Christmas/NYE.
Off i went... booking flights and feeling the blood rush back into my face.

Before I could even blink, I was at the airport sipping 9:30am margaritas with my Dad en route to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  (time flies faster than any other time when you're in school. maybe it's cuz all I/we do as students is will the time to pass!)

We arrived in Cabo and found that somehow we had the EPIC room that opened out onto bliss perfection. Seriously - walk out the glass slider and you're here.  My parents fell asleep every night on the patio chairs listening to the sounds of the waves.

I must say - the hotel was AMAZING in every way and we definitely want to go back as a family.

I had time to run down to that little bay and dive into the  warm clear water before we had to jump on a yacht for a sunset booze cruise with my whole extended family and the bride and groom.  (my cousin Ev and his drop dead gorgeous amazing wife Katya). We cruised around the water passing amazing rocks and coves that I was just dying to go explore.


As the sun descended into the water for the night, the lights on the shore started to twinkle back at me.

HUGE hotels were stacked on next to the other... night clubs and restaurants... everything set up for tourism.

I wondered what it would be like for people who grew up in Cabo and remember when there was nothing there but a little fishing village and now look at what has been built and created. Crazy, right?

The next morning I got a chance to talk to someone who had experienced just that! (And practice my spanish, since I had a Spanish midterm the day I got back from Mex)

 My cousin's daughter Chloe (with the sombrero on) really really really wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and needed someone to go with her so I went along and it was awesome.

I spoke the entire time to Ernesto a born and raised Cabo man who watched his town become the tourist destination that it is today.

I imagine I will experience this to the tenth power when I visit Dubai in December. I am actually fascinated by Dubai and the brilliant business move to turn it into the most incredible tourist destination on earth so that when the oil dries up, they will still have an economy.

As soon as we got back from horseback riding, I sat with my uncle Steve, cousin Rocky and other cousin Britta and just soaked up the Mexico vibes before getting a massage on the sand right next to the perfect lapping waves. Seriously the most heavenly day.

That afternoon I got to attend my first beach wedding, which is incredible when you think about the kind of company I keep as a mermaid! It was perfect in every way and concluded with dancing so much we had to all jump into the pool to cool off.  

The next day I lay by the pool with my cousins and just blissed out in the sunlight... soaking in the Mexican vibe - the smell - the way the sun beats down with it's mariachi tempo somehow....

And then...

I was home.

One stamp in my passport.

A smile just spread across my face as I wrote that... I guess I just see it as the beginning of the second coming.  The love ninja returns....

:)

I still have a few more years left of nursing school before I can really go FULL love ninja mermaid nurse - traveling around the world, falling in love with everybody... AND being able to fix them when they're sick and broken!

What could be better?

But one stamp at a time I am coming back into myself and out of the funk I've been stewing in for the last year... and finally it feels really good!

spring has sprung

i got my nails done yesterday with my mom. 

they're turquoise.  

i was taking jacuzzi this morning and looking at my nails under the water thinking back to where i was a year ago. (i do this often)…

I was in australia. 

I had returned the car that tawney and i got from traveller's auto barn and drove down the east coast of australia,  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOG1YlWjdZY.... and i was back in sydney staying with my broski, Paul.

Paul was living with his amazing mom, Janice in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney so i got stay in a room with a view that looked like this.... 

I was so in love with Australia after the most epic month ever.

We had gone to 4 Bon Iver shows in Sydney and Brisbane and made friends with the band and hung out with them after every show and got to stay in the hotel with them in Brisbane and go to cuddle koalas together, it was ridiculous. We then got to stay with SO many different friends all the way down the coast.  Some were friends from California, some were brand new friends we had met on the street and just liked straight off the bat, and several were my friends from Indo... guests who had come to stay and of course, Birdie, my island parter... my late night cat-bass, wandering the island under the moon, bff. It was So good to see him and meet all his friends and see where he was from... which is a place i would LOVE to live.

Tawney had already left for Bali and I had another week left, so i went up to the northern beaches and visited my girlfriends who i had also met at Togat Nusa Retreat (the island i used to call home).

I had another best weekend of my life with those girls... met this beautiful guy who said all the right things and showed me his epic house with the ridiculous view that was pretty much my dream house.

I felt so alive in Australia. I made this video that really sums up the whole thing to me.

It was spring time then... but not in Aus.  There it was fall.

After I peeled myself away from the memories that were engulfing me this morning in the jacuzzi, i realized something.

Every spring for the last 3 years i have spent in indonesia and australia  - the southern hemisphere.... where it's not spring... and returned to the southern hemisphere when it's fall in the northern hemisphere.

I haven't experienced a spring since 2009... the year Jamie and I split up.

That's pretty weird.

I floated around the jacuzzi staring at my turquoise nails and soaking my sore muscles from an intense Pilates class i took yesterday and reflected further on my lack of spring.

Ironically, I have felt really flat for the last 7 months since I've been back in America. Depressed. Sad. No energy. All i want to do is sleep. I have no spring in my step.

Literally.

I thought about this Anusara yoga class I took the other day here in San Diego... the teacher was this ripped, Japanese man who talked throughout the class about springtime and how it was now spring and what that meant, and how we could invite vitality into our lives.

These daffodils showed up in the living room this morning.

My mom has always been really good about having fresh flowers in vases around the house.

It made me think about spring time in England and how I would run through Hyde Park every morning through the winter and then it was like BAM overnight the park was littered with daffodils and my heart would spring and i would run faster and my feet were lighter and there was a song inside my head when i saw the flowers.

My birthday is in spring. It's coming up on April 16th.

Last spring, i was in fall.
And i fell down a rabbit hole right around my birthday.
I completely and totally lost myself in that fall when i got sick and never fully came back.

I never sprung back to life after all that and ever since then, i feel like i have been battling with someone i don't know who is living inside me insisting that i am sad and negative and sleepy all the time.

I'm taking control of my life again this spring. I am currently on a juice cleanse and practicing yoga regularly... I'm taking all kinds of supplements and doing meditations where i visualize happy things.
I am trying really hard to come back to myself.
And i am hoping that springtime will be a springboard for me to do that.

I miss Indonesia. I miss Ainsley and John who own Togat Nusa where I used to live and work. They are my family and I feel like those islands are my home and they are so far away... A part of me wants to ditch out on school and run back there and bask in the sun and snuggle Beaker, the monkey and make green smoothies with Ainsley and laugh and swim around the island under the full moon and be SO inspired to write all the time...

But ya know... it's fall there. And i need springtime.

I also need to explore places i haven't been yet that are a little closer and a little more accessible for me... like central and south america.

I am going to Mexico in October for a wedding and then I think in the new year i will travel a whole bunch.
I just have to figure out how to make a whole bunch of money. (always the way it seems)...

I wonder what happened to that brave girl who just trusted that everything would work out and gave everything she owned away and went to indo with bubbles coming out of her ears.

I really miss that spontaneous, bouncy, happy version of me.

Sometimes I think she died and is never coming back and that's okay i guess, because i'm just here.
And here is the only place i can be right now, because if i try to move from here i will be there and it will be later anyways.

So... Here i am staring at turquoise nails and yellow daffodils and globes of the world...

I know I'm still a gypsy and a love ninja and a mermaid... I'm just in this weird incubation period right now.

My sister said she feels like i am in some kind of weird 5 year sleep tank where i'm supposed to wake up and bam. it's 5 years later and for some reason i woke up inside the tank and i'm clawing at the walls to get out but at the same time i know i'm just here and should probably just fall back to sleep.

Everything is weird but i think maybe hopefully that spring will spring me out of this head funk and back into some semblance of the flowers in my hair, smile across my face kinda girl i used to be.

Only time will tell..

all i did tonight...

was make this video...



 It's Aaron Glass's birthday and I'm not in SF.
I wish i was.

 I chose this life.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

 One day (soon)... soon, because time is just all relative... one day soon i will be a free gypsy again.

But this time i was travel with purpose and heal and help our sick and dying brothers and sisters around the world...
 And I'll be able to cruise up to SF to celebrate with my friends when the time calls for me to do so.

 It takes SO much for me to stay still.
 But i can do it.

 I helped my cousin Heidi deliver her baby last night in LA, and then charged it down to San Diego to ace a math test this morning...

If i can do that, i can do anything, even staying put until i get this degree.

 AY AY AY AY AY...

Maui Oh Wowie

I finally made it through my semester.

I got straight As.

I can't hardly believe i made it. But that's always the way isn't it? we always make it through, somehow someway. life goes on.

and on.

and on.

So i made it through my semester and this trip to Hawaii was the only thing that was keeping me going in a way. I was so excited to be in a tropical region where i would be HOT and sweat all the time and float in a calm crystal blue ocean and fall asleep all day on the beach with a novel on the sarong next to me.

My soul brother Nate was having a hard time. He broke up with his fiancee and was in a shit storm of self destructive thoughts and was reaching out to me so in my perfectly predictable zani style... i invited him to come on my vacation.

I knew that he needed to get away from everything that was fucking with his mind and i was willing to share my paradise with him.

As much as we had a wonderful time and went on many incredible adventures, it was no longer MY trip and suddenly was ours and i found myself in moments of wondering why i always do this... reach out and try to rescue everyone. Why i am on this journey to become a nurse so i can literally reach out and rescue people.

But nevertheless - we went on what was now OUR trip and I arrived in a climate that was disappointingly perfect. It was mild. Not too hot and not too humid. I soon realized that's what they call it "peak season" over christmas, because its the coolest the temps get and people usually don't like it when its so hot you can't walk barefoot on blacktop... i do.

We started staying at my beautiful friend Moana's house - but Moana was in a new relationship and working her butt off and was not around very much and we were staying in her mom's massage room. Her mom was sweet and came out with us several times, but I didn't really feel comfortable staying there not having really known her ahead of time... Luckily on Christmas, my friend Kelsey's parents invited us to move to their property which is nearby and was totally out of the way and didn't feel like an imposition at all and seemed to be the best idea. We all still hung out and went on adventures all the time.  Kelsey was on vacation too - visiting her family (and lucky lucky me) over the holidays. She is in business school on Oahu. 

I met both Kelsey and Moana at Togat Nusa Retreat in the Mentwais when i was living out there and they came as surf goddess guests.  We bonded straight away and spending time with them on Maui only made me love both of them even more. They are badasses like none other. I love them!

We dubbed the cottage "Lilikoi studios" and brought over all of Carl (Kelsey's man)'s drums and studio gear... We played jam band every night and would wake up looking out over Haiku and although it was pretty much always raining I came to love my little home in Haiku.  I could walk down to the kombucha store and get mason jars filled of the nectar... And i wore rubber boots every day. 

My second night there, Kelsey came in to the massage room at Moana's when i was lying in bed and decided that i didn't want to go out to this hippie rave they were wanting me to go to... Kelsey wasn't having any of it and forced me up and put galoshes on my feet - explaining that in Hawaii they are called "rubbah boots" - i dont know why i thought it was so funny, but i bought a pair the next day at walmart and wore them every day after that.

We ended up driving on the windiest roads of my life (later i found out was the road to Hana) and then back to a gathering that was happening on the solstice (12/21/2012) and end of the Mayan Calendar. Ram Daas was officiating this amazing party on the property that belonged to a guy named Blue Mountain.

We were in the giggliest, craziest state of mind, and stumbling upon drum circles and an octagon shrine filled with an orchestra and belly dancers and a giant crystal the size of a cow that a guy was hugging... well it was just all too much for us and our rubber boots. So Kelsey made the call and we charged it to the top of Haleakala Volcano to watch the sun rise over the day that was never going to come according to the Mayans. It was mind blowing and probably the funniest night of my entire life. Kelsey has a whole journal of all the funny things everyone said which was pretty much everything all night and into the next day.

This was just the beginning of the vibe of the trip! We went on constant adventures from midnight journeys to waterfalls and everything in between... We danced and ate and drank and drank and drank... We went camping in Hana and had a magical new years out there with some incredible people. I wrote two new songs and and painted some really cool paintings with the art supplied Nate bought. I managed to get some quiet alone time towards the end of the trip and ran into my cousin Bennet and his fiance Michelle on the touristy side of the island. All in all it was a truly magical three weeks and all i know is that i will definitely be back again!

I wrote a piece for the live like you're on vacation site and cited these as my top tips for travelling to Maui:

Best Beaches:

• Makenna - known as "big beach" this family favorite is a great spot to whale watch and sunbathe. You only have to scale the side of a rock to climb into the clothing-optional hippie drum circle vibe at "little beach"- Sundays at sunset things get groovy. *careful of the intense shorebreak. I saw a skim boarder break his neck! Ouch.

• Baldwin - on the windier north side of the island, you'll probably spot some amazing wind and kite surfers shredding the seas and if you're lucky, you might catch a couple sea turtles cruising too. Ho'okipa is just down the way.

• Hamoa - this Hana beach is awesome for surfing, family BBQ, or just having a beer with friends! A great place to spend the day, but bring your own food and snacks. You won't want to leave and come back!

Food/drink:
• Flatbread company - amazing pizza and killer ginger cocktails. It gets packed so get there early. (In Paia town)

• Haiku cannery fish taco stand - adjacent from the Haiku Grocery Store- this is the best fish taco on the island... hands down. 5 bucks. Huge plate. Use the tiger sauce!

• Maui kombucha - words can't express how much I love this place. 3 daily flavors that change throughout the day on tap. Lovingly referred to as "booch" - get a mason jar and refill daily. Don't forget to get your card punched and get your tenth booch free!

• Sports Page, Kihei - somehow this gypsy mermaid stumbled into a sports bar and found the meanest Bloody Mary of all time. I was not mad about that. After you're good and married, walk out front and catch a glorious Maui sunset!

• Charlie's- the fabulous, famous bar in Paia Town... Has the best bartenders ever and hosts live music on some nights, and if not, there are DJ's. Check the calendar  I highly suggest it! 

Sight seeing/stuff to do:

• Haleakala Volcano sunrise - get there at least an hour before first light so you have a parking spot and can marvel at the stars... Then watch the sun pour across this epic crater and tallest mountain in the world! (when measured from bottom to top) Do NOT miss this.

• Drive around the west side through Wailuku to Ka'anapali- weave around crazy windy dirt roads that will take your breath away and suddenly pop you out in fancy resort heaven. You'll really understand the island after that drive!

• Whale watching from Kihei- actually you can probably spot whales from anywhere on the south side... But I happened to see an epic humpback whale breach right in front of me from Kihei!

• Rainbow eucalyptus and bamboo forest - on the road the Hana, the "painted trees" are unbelievable. The bark peels back a different color every layer of bark. Well worth a stop!

• Camping in Hana - I was lucky enough to have friends that had a cabin in Hana where about 20 of us camped over New Year's Eve. It's the best vibe ever. No emails. No service, nothing but nature and great people. Word of the wise: it's not a question of IF it will rain, it's WHEN. (Hana is one of the wettest spots on earth.)

• Temple of peace - crystals and new age-y stuff in Haiku... Get your spiritual fix here. Talk to psychics and sit in meditation if that's your bag!

*** Carl Kemper is my good friend and the guy you want to know on maui... He's a badass "Adventure Consultant" - give him a call (808-281-9764) and he'll help you sort out anything you need! From rubber boots to a rental truck... From photography tours to secret locals-only vibe hiking journeys...  to super exclusive hunting expeditions (if you're already licensed and know what's up)- you will be stoked you have his number. Trust me.

Tips:
1. Definitely rent a car- a beater truck if you can- you'll blend in more and don't have to worry about denting up a new one on the windy muddy roads.

2. Get rubber boots ASAP- Walmart or hardware stores... You'll be stoked you have them and its oh so fun to offroad through deep puddles just cuz you can :)

3. Pick up hitchhikers! Maybe even take them to coffee if they rule. Chances are they will, and you might get your world rocked!

4. Bring your camera, leave your laptop.
The gopro is a great choice- easy to carry, waterproof and pretty indestructible. You can even mount to your surfboard, hood of your car, etc. and timelapse like whoa.

5. Let go and surrender to the island vibe! Alooooooha!

**Most photos by Nate Siggard - www.natesiggard.com

Coasting...

Living in Asia I got inspired daily.... Constantly Turned on by symbolic lessons that I would discover all around me as I traveled.

Since I've been home In California I've felt a pretty intense comedown... A crash back into this life I know so well and have run so far to be away from... And I think a part of me has closed up since returning home. I find myself crawling under my duvet to study biology and Spanish, telling myself I'll get out later to practice yoga or go for a run or socialize but then just falling asleep instead.
I am being stimulated in a different way now- through school and study- where things are spelled out for me on blackboards and in expensive textbooks, but I miss the kind of life where things happen that inspire me to write a blog about them.
It's been a long time...

I know that i created this life and I'm living it. Doing the best I can and forcing a smile onto my face as I do it, but in reality I feel very depressed and sad most of the time.

This morning I woke up with dark grey clouds above my head, literally and figuratively, and knew I needed to motivate myself to exercise. Endorphins are the only medicine I can count on to pull me back to myself.

I went to a long, very challenging, heated yoga class that quite literally cooked me. I found myself giving about 10% of what I was capable of giving in poses I've been practicing for over a decade... Poses I have taught to tons of people all around the world over the last 5 years...
But I just didn't feel I had it in me to fully twist in- to fully reach down, or even to fully hold in the pose for as long as the teacher was instructing us to.

The long haired san diego surfer yogi dude with the sing songy voice cooed as he came by from time to time and adjusted me.
He would touch my back or hips, expecting to coerce another inch from my body and found another twelve. He kept giggling to himself as though he was touching a ball of clay.

The last 30 minutes I just lay on my back and breathed. I fought tears for a moment and then started repeating a spontaneous mantra to myself... "I am brave. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I am love. I am light. I am bliss."
Over and over again I said those words to myself, distracting my destructive mind that was eager to slip into self-pity and disappointment in myself.

After class, I saw my teacher in the lobby and gave him a quick thank you.

"those adjustments okay?" he asked

I immediately wanted to launch into a story - defending my lack of work in class- i wanted to explain about how I am kind of depressed and ever since I got malaria in april, my body and brain have been not right and I haven't been practicing even though I've wanted to... And blah blah blah - every excuse in my book.

"yes. Thank you. I'm just taking it easy." I said simply...

And maybe that's all it was. Maybe that was true, I suddenly realized. Maybe I've just been taking it easy since April. Giving myself a break to just cruise. And maybe there's nothing wrong with that.

My teacher smiled and tucked his long hair behind his ears...
"man... I try to convince my students every day to do that. You're just coasting! That's so awesome. Keep it up! Don't stop coasting! It's inspiring."

Whoa.
Did he just say he was inspired by what i have been seeing as my weak, laziness?

I think here in this world we are all in such a rush... In such fierce competition... In such a crazy push all the time- that I guess it is kind of awesome to just coast.

I was never this hard on myself when I got home from traveling. In fact, I felt like the whole of San Diego was in hyperspeed... Even the soft spoken surfer types seemed like they were speeding around- in such a rush- staring at  clocks and phones to keep in time with this crazy place.

I no longer feel behind the pace. I've acclimated to this timing here, but it's so good to remember that doing less is okay and coasting is kind of awesome.

San Diego I guess

America's Finest Timelapse from XOXO Wedding Studio on Vimeo.

Cardiff, San Diego - September 7, 2012 So... I guess i live here now.

I still don't know what to say when people ask me where I live.

I was out surfing with my friend Tawney the other day and a guy asked us where we lived. She said Venice, I stuttered and said "I guess i am living in Cardiff now."
It's almost like I have a phobia of saying i live somewhere, as though i will get stuck and never get free again.
But I have to keep telling myself over and over and over again that i CHOSE to be here.
i CREATED this reality and not only that... but it is a great reality that affords me these incredible opportunities most people can only dream of.

First of all, I live in Cardiff-By-the-Sea, California. Less then 12,000 people get to call this little nook of Encinitas hOMe and I do. I get to have a Cardiff zipcode and not only that, but I get to live here for free... in my parent's beautiful house... with maids who clean my sheets and vaccum my room and tidy my shelves.

Yet somehow just this morning i thought about how much i hate the way the maids make my bed... and then stopped and shook myself. Whoa. Who am i?

I flopped down on the floor and meditated... i watched myself breathing... and then i watching my mind as it watched me breathing.
Becoming aware of being aware.
It's a weird thing... and it pulled me back to the me that i get so scared of losing.

Ever since i was a kid i hide my most valuable, prized possessions... shove them way down at the bottom of a drawer or under my pillow but then i never see them and eventually i forget they exist altogether.

I'm trying to make alters... honoring and respecting the things i treasure the most... externally and internally.

I am swaying from side to side a LOT these days... drifting too far one way and then back too far the other way... Still trying to find an equilibrium... Still trying to figure out where the sweet spot is where i can find balance while going to school.

As of right now i am seeing that the important things i need to balance are School (Biology, Spanish and Math), Work (Nannying, Graphic/Branding and Writing), Music (Playing guitar and writing songs), Yoga, meditation & surfing (which all fit in the same category as physical/spiritual health)

I made a vision board at the foot of my feet i look at every day to remind me of what i am working towards.

Sometimes I feel like I am serving a 4 year prison sentence - jailed in claustrophobic institutions with freezing cold A/C and horrible halogen lights... looking at numbers projected on a wall that i am supposed to memorize somehow with my foggy brain.
I cry after every math class. I get so defeated, but I am holding space and remembering the goal and trusting that i can do this.

Afterall, I live in San Diego and go to a school surrounded by red rock cliffs, blocks from the beach and an hour from Mexico. I'm not THAT far away from the other world... I could just run for it and do that Tijuana border crossing run backwards... Escaping this life and running towards what i consider freedom.

kingdom of fear & the journey home.

"the quick electric keys are my instrument, my harp, my RCA glass-tube microphone, and my fine soprano saxophone all at once.  That is my music, for good or ill, and on some nights it will make me feel like a god."

-Hunter S Thompson "Kingdom of Fear"

… Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane… that makes me feel normal.

Especially when my mind is spinning, my stomach is in knots, and my heart is tangled up so tight its like a chain that has been inside a moldy bag in the corner of a boat out at sea, and gotten so twisted and rusted and screwed up from the ocean air so bad that there is no point in even trying to salvage it… so you dump it and let it fall to the bottom of the deep sea and let go of it.

I'll find a new one when the time is right.

I have been writing letters to nobody… I've been writing letters to somebodies… I've been writing words just to write, because like Hunter S Thompson, it's my music… its my word vomit and i've been pretty sick lately.

I left paradise island (Togat Nusa Retreat) and every time i do that, i seem to get physically sick. It's like my body rejects the idea of leaving paradise and perfection… or maybe it's just rejecting what i always leave the island and go towards.

I experienced one of the scariest, ugliest things i've ever seen when i got to Padang, and even now, nearly a week later, on a boat out at sea, i am still sick from it all.

I can't wait to get home, to safety and security and sanity… to intelligence, and elegance, and eloquence.

I feel like i have had a relationship lately with my keyboard. I can tell it anything. I write to it constantly and it just listens and reads back to me what i needed to get off my chest, the way Tawney and those who have done Cafe Gratitude workshops seem to be able to do so well… to reiterate what i said to them in the first place.

Just hearing back what you feel empowers you and makes you feel heard.

Even though the only thing hearing me is an inanimate keyboard, but Hunter S Thompson understands me…

I'm taking breaks between sleeping, crying, writing letters that nobody will ever read, swimming, eating, drinking, and staring out at the rippling waters dancing beside the boat to read "Kingdom of Fear" - Thompson's crazy face nonsensical rambling autobiography… it actually makes me feel relatively normal. 

My life is in transition… again… as usual… as always.

I guess this is just how its gonna roll.. always changing.. always creating a new, dramatic, fucked up chapter in my life story… in my own crazy face nonsensical rambling autobiography i will write one day that might make someone feel relatively normal one day.

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Days later… i am not so sick anymore, though most of the guests on this charter have gotten what i had, some kind of Giardia, which is the last thing you want to have while on a boat with 14 guys, but hey. those are the cards you're dealt sometimes so you roll with it.

The strangers who have become my friends here on this floating, rocking, rolling boat of constantly evolving and changing perspective and emotion for me… they have  been like mirrors held up for me to remember what i need to remember and see what i need to see.

At this moment in time we are cruising north along a very windy, bumpy sea that makes it nearly impossible to walk through the narrow corridors of the charter boat.

We are heading to Lances Left where my friend Ben has a resort called Kingfisher. When we were there a  few days ago, Ben wasn't around and I was so sad to have missed him… but thankfully the last few days at a wave called Macaronis has fulfilled the quota for the boys so we are heading back towards Ben's place where I will be grateful to get on land and find steady ground again, and also to visit with my friend who traveled Nepal last year while I was in India.

A few days ago we stopped at 'Bat Caves' which is a wave that wraps around a tiny perfect island with 47 palm trees and a million birds.

The tender boat dropped me off on the island to collect shells and pieces of red coral before zipping around to drop the boys on the wave. One of the guests later told me that they all call me "Bo" now since when i got off the boat and walked towards the island into the sun that was dropping behind the palm trees I looked like Bo Derrick from the movie "Ten" which i haven't seen but want to now.

Shayne has been sleeping a lot (as usual) but in the last few days actually gotten up and been going out for a surf and or dive and i can see his improvement. He  had a hard time in Padang and then we both got this Giardia B.S. a few days into the trip.

Finally it seems like we are coming right as the Aussie's would say.

I am DAYS away from being back in California and I can hardly wait.

I  don't remember feeling this excited to come home… ever.

I love being the gypsy traveling daughter… and i always groan and hate the responsibility of having to go back home and deal with the real world, but for some reason i am itching to get back… i am dreaming of hugging my Dad and cuddling on the green couches with Rosie the pup… and of course thinking about my mom every single day.

I keep thinking about how i want a Kombucha and Kale chips ASAP… then for dinner i want the greasiest mexican food i can get… nachos with extra guacamole and sour cream and those little carrots and peppers that are on the side with the salsa…

and about four huge blended margaritas.

Then when i wake up the next morning i will start cleansing  - juicing with the veggies from my parents garden and get a liver cleanse before going to the doctor to get everything post-malaria finally checked out by a western doctor.

I can't wait to unpack the boxes that are in the attic above my dad's studio…

I can't wait to go for a run along the beach in Encinitas and breathe in California...

I can't wait to take a yoga class where they have to turn the heat up to make us sweat (ha!)

I can't wait to go to Whole Foods and buy expensive but beautifully prepared and packaged raw foods…

I can't wait to lay on the huge Oriental rugs in my parent's living room with my arms spread out to the sides.

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I'm in Batam which is a small island in the Indonesian archipelago which calls nearly 18,000 islands hOMe… but this one looks out across a small channel at Singapore - a bustling first world, english speaking, expensive and somewhat irregular growth on Southeast Asia, not unlike Hong Kong….

Ferries run every hour on the hour from Batam to Singapore and with any luck I will be on board one soon.

I met Pak Bukhori (which sounds an awful lot like "Broccoli"), the overweight Indonesian man who had hypertension, walked with a limp, and sat next to me in exit row 12 on our Batavia Air flight from Padang into Batam.  He spoke impeccable English after living a life spent working around the world in various businesses…. We fell into a deep metaphysical conversation on the plane. (As you do)

I asked him straight up about his religion, Islam. The religion of billions of people in this country I have been calling home over the last few years.

Pak Broccoli told me that in the year 700, the profit Muhammed was just a normal guy who couldn't read or write and had this seemingly spontaneous enlightenment at age 40 when this overwhelming river of divine information came through him and he continues to receive the teachings from God until he died at age 63.  All the teaching came from his mouth and were dictated by the literate onto cow hide and bones and anything they could write the Arabic on to.

He said the teachings of the Qur'an are basically at the core, the same as all religions (something i make note of often).. Be good, don't do bad things, live morally, act with compassion, love all beings of God.

I asked him about Holy War.

He said "Zani… God is so powerful, he doesn't need you to fight for him."

I really liked that.

He continued to tell me that according to Islam, killing yourself is one of the worst sins you can commit as a Muslim. You did not create yourself so it's not UP to you to end it.  According to his lifelong study of the Qur'an, nowhere does it condone the acts of radical Jihadists.

People read what they want to read and hear what they want to hear… you see this throughout society and all over the world but especially, I find, with religion.

I told my new friend that people were missing "wawasan luas" - which means a broad insight.

He smacked my arm and smiled so big when i said it.

"EXACTLY!"

He reminded me of the old story where a group of people stand around an elephant with narrow blinders on.

One says "Oh. this animal is smooth and white and long and sharp, like a bone."

One says "no. no. this animal is long and wiggly like a snake"

Another says "oh no, it's big and round and wrinkly and feels like sandpaper."

Nobody is seeing the whole elephant so nobody is completely right and everyone is completely missing the whole thing.

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Pak Broccoli offered to drive me to the ferry but was in a rush so he couldn't wait for my bags, which i was standing at the wrong carousel anyways.

I managed to get to Singapore and get in the taxi queue, immediately striking up a conversation with a nice older Australian man who lived and worked in Singapore. He was a little too flirty for a man with a wedding ring on his hand if you ask me, but soon enough our taxis came and i got in with an Indian driver.

I had just been talking to the Aussie guy about India and explaining why i loved it so much.

I fell right back into to talking about India as soon as I got in the taxi and started heading for the Changi airport.

"Okay, okay, including the food, the culture, the scenery, the people…. which is your favorite? India, Thailand or Indonesia?"

AGHHHHH. he asked me such an impossible question.

Comparing green curry, papaya salad, pad thai, beautiful Theravada buddhist temples and stunning islands…. to Malai Kofta and Aloo Paratha, chai and doses, mango lassi, the chaos and celebration of death in Varanasi, the beauty of the Ganga in the North, the Himalayas, Dharamshala and the home in exile to the Dalai Lama…. to Indonesian Gado-Gado, Nasi Goreng, Cabe spicy everything, the beaches and tribal culture of the Mentawai islands to the explosion of palm trees and lush lakes and mountains of Sumatra and divinity (albeit raped by tourism) of the magical island kingdom of Bali…

I just can't choose and I didn't.

I got out of the taxi and left my sweet Indian friend hanging. He even gave me a deal on the fare.

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I left the mentawais at 1pm on July 4th when Kaimana pulled anchor and started cruising at about 9 knots, back East towards Sumatra and into a storm that tossed us around all night for about 13 hours.

at 1am on July 6th i was waiting in a Singapore starbucks for the minutes to click by. The Malaysia Airlines counter regrettably told me that i couldn't check in for 7 hours and would not be able to enjoy the amenities inside the airport - which allegedly include a movie theatre and places to sleep and everything. No instead, i am drinking cloudy apple juice and reading Hunter S Thompson, occasionally being woken up by a Starbucks personnel who tells me in a thick accent that i cannot sleep here to which i smile, nod and moments later nod off into my light sleep once again.

I decided i will keep local Mentawai time to figure out exactly how long this journey home takes me.

I think it's somewhere around 60+ hours.

I did however get a heads up from the Malaysia Airlines girls about my bags… it doesn't matter the weight - it just can't be more then 2 bags or they will charge me several hundred dollars. (ridiculous rule)… so i had to repack my bags and make my heaviest one weight only 7kg and will have to carry it on, since the dimensions of a guitar case and the big green backpack I've carried around the world over the last year could never reach carry-on size.

Fingers and toes crossed this all goes down without a hitch.

I kind of feel like I am dealing with a big travel here… lots of patience and waiting and sitting and staring at clocks willing them to go by… so maybe just maybe they could cut a break and let this all work out well for me.

Who is they?

I guess I was refereeing to Malaysia Air, but it felt more like i was referring to the many Gods that are sitting in the first class lounge sleeping on lazy boy recliners getting foot massages from little Singapore ladies while i get shaken awake, smile, nod, and nod off again.

Wow. I am becoming Hunter S Thompson crazy here as this early morning crawls like a stoned sloth towards 4am when the counter will open.

Thats all for now.

Gotta get through the next 25 hours or so and i'll be home FREEEEEEEEE

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65 hours in transit, some greasy nachos at El Napolitos, and i am hOMe.

come see me in San Diego. I'm staying put for a while.