brown & white shells

**************
today & yesterday & always & never

i was wandering in a zig-zaggy circle around the island, combing the beach for shells - little kerikil and pieces of awesomeness...

for some reason my eyes were pulled to brown and white yesterday.

it's weird, there is every color shell on the beach and different days, my eyes are pulled to different colors.

today it was brown and white.

maybe that's how the world looks to me right now.

i guess that's better then seeing the world in black and white, like my old therapist used to say i did.

i know that i do that... i go to extremes.
but the thing is... its not ALL me.

my life has been dealt out in an extreme way... it seems i just get dealt Aces and Twos when everyone else gets 8s and 9s and 10s

it's just how it works out for me.

i've realized recenthat not everyone knows so many people who have died.
that's a really big thing for me to see.
the more i travel and meet people, the more i find that i have friends who have never been to a funeral in their entire lives.
whoa.

my funeral dresses in LA got more use then my fancy glittery party dresses.
that's shitty.

but you know, i feel lucky, in that i have gotten a really interesting perspective on death.

...as i was combing the beach looking at these brown and white shells i actually started think about it.

maybe when a friend dies its like musical chairs...

only when the music stops you don't take a chair away, you take a person away.
and then there is this empty chair there.
it's like a totally different perspective... you see the room from a whole new place when you sit in another chair.
so it affords us this great possibility to see the world in such a broader, more rounded overall perspective.

i have a lot of empty seating in my room.

i get to skip from one chair to the next... maybe that plays into why i am such an energetic chameleon.
i feel like i can step into any circumstance or situation and shift my little diamond around and see the world from that paradigm and totally vibe out with whoever im with in whatever circumstance.

it's like this hipstamatic app i have on my i-thing.

when i shift the lens it makes this awesome little shifty slide-y sound... like FWHHP
that's what i feel like i have the ability to do.

all my experiences and friends departed, have given me little lenses in this case of mine...
so any circumstance, i just FWHHP... FWHHP... FWHHP... ah yes. there it is.
and i can see through your eyes.



i remember when we were kids we used to play this CD that had all these nerdy educational songs on it... we were obsessed with it.

our personal favorite was "knees up mother brown" - where we jumped all over the room with our knees up like a football player training that high run drill through truck tires laying flat on the field.

but there was this other song on the CD that said

"i wanna walk...
a mile in your shoes...
i wanna walk a mile in your shoes.

i wanna know what you're thinking...
what you're feeling...
so i really wanna walk...
a mile in your shoes.

remember that fight that we had?
why did we both have to lose?

it's because we both walked away mad.
instead of walking a mile in each other's shoes."

first of all: how the HELL do i remember that entire song?

that was around the time that we lived in long beach and i pushed tia through a 10 foot glass window into a bed of roses.
but don't worry... we had belted her inside a bunch of huge pillows and put a helmet on her head.

ya... trying to prove that it wasn't premeditated to my mother who was literally freaking out so hard i saw steam coming from her ears... that was hard.

man, i am so lucky.

i had such an unusual, amazing upbringing.

and in my adolescent years, there was a LOT of black and white.
i saw a LOT of pain and a lot of death and a lot of craziness...
and i was volatile and intense and emotional
but i also saw SO much love, and art and culture.
and i experienced a lot of peace and was exposed to soo much spirituality and magic, that i really feel sculpted who and what i am today.

i don't think i would take back a minute of my black and white life even if i could.

maybe wandering the beach yesterday reflecting on death and perspective, and marinating on the many many lessons in my life, have started to bring me closer to the center...
and thus, i am seeing brown and cream colored shells.

finally 27 years later, learning to self-sooth and breathe before i react.

see... i got really upset yesterday and found myself under the mosquito net in bed at 3:15 staring into space and listening to my breakdown music.

my "breakdown" music comes from an album called ONLY BY THE NIGHT

funny.

my guru poet Kahlil Gibran says "one may not reach the dawn, save by the path of the night"

and there i was yesterday, having a moment with my shadow.

...feeling the pitch dark of night eventhough these amazing palm frawns were gliterring with the golden sunlight sitting on the leaves right out the window.

but i had rolled over. literally and figuratively.

KG also says "you see but your shadow when you turn your back to the sun"

i lay there with my back to the sunlight, listening to these songs that pulled at a strand of pain in me... like self-mutilation. listening to the music that holds so much pain.. almost begging the darkness to come take me over and consume me.
because i well know, that all it takes is a single thought to open the closet door that is stuffed full of awful memories to allow them to topple out and on to me and suffocate me completely.

and then i heard this resounding voice of my father in my head that screamed "SNAP OUT OF IT."

and it shook me right back into the light. i flipped my body over and climbed out. of the bed and walked down to the beach to find some shells and make a necklace out of them with this neon green fishing line i found.

ONLY BY THE NIGHT had only gotten through about one and a half revolutions of the album. (considering there is a count on itunes of how many times you have played a certain song... and "Manhattan" from Only By The Night is at 382 plays... ya, i'd say one and a half times around the album is EXTREMELY quick for me to snap myself out of it and not wallow in my sadness.)


and then BAM i was on the beach
drawn to these brown and white shells
staring at my footprints that are the only set of human footprints on the beach as far as the eye can see...
and i am reflecting in this beautiful way about losing a friend and how its like reverse musical chairs.

i like that image.

and i like how i see the world.

and i wouldn't see it this way if i hadn't lost.

i wrote a piece on loss in november.... it was for a poetry thing that i never went to because we were drinking jugga wine by the firepit and i was too in love with that evening at the OM hOMe to go anywhere else, so i just stuck it with my poetry even though its not really poetry...

but here it is.

http://zaniroberts.blogspot.com/2010/11/loss.html

i just, coincidentally, right this moment had en email come through as i was writing this from my dad.

my dad is amazing, and has helped me more then anyone to sculpt the way i feel about death and transformation...
he is the one who first gave me the visual of sloughing a cocoon when we die... and emerging out into the ether as a cosmic butterfly. (one of my favorite images)

he was referring to the words of a priest we used to know....
the email was short and said:

The Priest would often say that when you pass away "You can only take with that which you have given away."
Words to reflect upon.

this is why i am the way i am.

this is why i think so deeply and reflect so intensely and write a blog like this while i travel the world after giving everything i own away...

because my parents rock.

here is a pic of them when they met.
they're amazing.



i can't hardly believe how lucky i am to have parents like these.

they saw me through the black and basked in the glory of the white, all the while loving me unconditionally and teaching me to be AS unique as i am.

it's a little embarrassing sometimes to put your feelings out there for people to read, but whatever...
i am who i am.

i feel these things.
i have these thoughts.
take it or leave it.

i am living for me. and i love that you are here with me.

blessings of peace and soft swirly brown and white shells from a beach far away from where you are. (but really not so far at all)...

we're all a bunch of FREEks

**************



so many people read this blog.

like- kind of a scary amount I find out...

it's totally fine.
I love you and I'm honored you want to share this experience (A.K.A. my life) with me as I stumble towards love and light and vow to laugh at myself the entire way...
i write this to myself as much as i write it to you, my loved ones and friends...

...and by the way, even if you're a stranger- as my friend Mick said in Padang last month, 'strangers are just friends you haven't met yet' so you're my actually my friend too.

so dear me & you...

dear us,

here's what is on my mind today.

I've found we can't take ourselves too lightly...
...in otherwords-- what is the point actually of taking life seriously?

it seems we just end up like ol' man river:

"you an me
we sweat and strain
body all achin and wracked with pain
tote that barge
an lift that bail
ya get a little drunk an ya lands in jail.
ah gets weary
and sick of tryin
I'm tired of livin
but scared of dying...."

whoa.
right?

I mean-- here's the f'd up part- there are 27 million people in slavery today around the world
look at www.freetheslaves.net

but you and me-- we're free.

(I say that statement believing that I probably know you- or know of you and I don't know any slaves personally... so i am making a conclusion that i deeply hope is accurate.)

you are free.

the only thing that holds you back is the reigns of fear that YOU have placed upon your own shoulders.

so, calm your mind and wriggle free from your grip that holds you down.

but remember... only you can choose to let go.

only you can see the light through your eyes.

we are so blessed to be free.

we are supposed to be soaring. flying through the air and riding these waves and making it our mission to help free the others...

because we can.

I just don't see the point in toting that barge and lifting that bail with an aching body wracked with pain that makes you tired of this insanely beautiful gift of life, if you don't have to.

if you are not being forced to work until you're weary and miserable... why are you doing it?

the means to WHAT end?

a. there are no pockets in your coffin. you can't take anything with you and none of us get out of this life alive.

b. a spirit guide in my mind told me this one time:"the journey is the gift... the prize is the path."

maybe the whole point of life is to enjoy today.

I mean, shit... the dalai lama himself says "the key to life is to attain happiness."

so according to a. there should be no fear of dying cuz it's inevitable and a beautiful, natural part of life as we know it

and according to b. there should be no "sick of trying" cuz what the hell are you trying to do that could make you sick of it?

also for the record- I see no reason to throw someone in jail for being a little tipsy... sometimes it's good for people to let down their guard when a bit intoxicated.

I have seen the most hardened asshole kinda bro's cut a rug and dance like it's their job, laughing and telling me it's the best they've ever felt... and I've seen an entire country of uptight Brits let go every weekend as though the bottle under pressure pops off and all of a sudden everyone is in a state of high pressure release whenthey crack open the bottle. (literally and figuratively)

it's beautiful.

but guys, guys... let's use that as a tool to teach us what is possible... to show us our capacity to let go... and then do it daily without the crutch of booze or drugs or whatever.

let's just love each other
and love ourselves
and be ridiculously grateful for every moment we get to spend here on earth in these bodies... allowed to live freely.

so here is what I offer you today
which....
by
the
way

was
an
absolutely
G*L*O*R*I*O*U*S Mentawai day
that I got to spend out in the silky turquoise water
on a surfboard
paddling around the entire island
with a snorkel mask on my head like sunglasses
dunking my head under the water
and exploring the magnificent coral when my arms got tired of paddling.

I felt like the proverbial hermit crabs i'm always talking about...
charging it down the beach because he can...
forging new tracks in the sand/water...
totally dedicated to the direction he's going
(which for me, on the surfboard, was clockwise from the driftwood castle)
and when i decided to take a break... i would pull down that mask and scope the scene under the surface for a while just to hang out in yet another realm of surreality.

so after that day, sitting here pondering in the driftwood bungalow
here's what i have to offer:

you are free.
you are always free.
you may not see it now, but I promise you...

you.
are.
free.

exercise your freedom.

FREEk out today.

do something radical and amazing and a little scary.

but have no fear.
do not contract.

just dive in...

dive in to something.
anything.

because you can.

you can literally do anything.
even though you might not do it that well- ie my surfing, my guitar playing, my cooking, my handstands

but who cares!?
shit, I did all of those things today... because I could. and i wasn't a pro and kinda sucked at some of them, but whatever. who is keeping score?

I love you.
I love us.
we rock so hard.

let's rock out as freedom lovers... and go help someone who is not free.

this is Josh Hogan btw... i ♥ him. he ♥s free the slaves. you should ♥ his music cuz its risickulous. ya, i just said that.

anyways - if you feel so inclined to FREEk out like my FREEking amazing friends in venice... either check out freetheslaves, talk to tawnski and help free someone in literal slavery...
or find someone in your life that enslaves themselves in some way-
remind them that their confinement and unhappiness is their choice...
cuz we are free.

i think it has a lot to do with detatchment too...

the word "MOKSHA" means to release, or set free....
it's like freedom through detachment... ya know, basically, just letting GO!
(so much easier said then done of course.)

But it makes me think of one of my favorite points to ponder too... which is:

moksha beksho bandhaha
'even the DESIRE for liberation is bondage.'

so.. WANTING to be free is still not being free...

you gotta let go and allow yourself to fall.

for reals, though... when's the last time you let yourself fall?

try it!

i think you'll be surprised how many open arms are all around you to catch you.

and if you hit the ground, or slap your back on the water... it doesn't hurt THAT bad.

hope deferred makes the heart sick...
but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.

you gotta take a risk, step out and free fall... cuz you CAN... you lucky FREEk, you.

orange sky

i
had
a
dream
i...

stood
beneath
an
orange
sky.



whoosh.

man, i don't know where to start on this one.

*please play that song while you read this... so you can feel my vibe.

because not only is this where i am at vibe-wise...
but this song actually came on my i-thing and played through the boat speakers this evening as we drove directly towards a firey orange sunset, so bright and neon it was illuminating the sea.

(and illuminating my heart with the blatant poetry in motion in that 6 minutes of orangelic presence.)

the water looked like dark black oil with this crazy orange light splashed across the ripples on the surface as the boat carved through the color and bounced with the momentum of the choppy waves...
(birdie had explained it like this to me one time when i first got here and then i saw it in all its magnificence not long after)

we were coming back from tua pajet (the mentawai town) on john & ainsley's big OM-boat as the sun was setting in all its gloriousness... and a silence fell across all of us. everyone seemed to be gazing in a different direction lost in the moment of beauty and bliss. all recognizing that it would be getting dark soon (which is no good for driving the boat and a little scary apparently)-- but so not even worth it to leave that moment and slide into any sort of fear or worry for any moment but that one..(and by the way yes... i said OM boat... it says OM above the capitain's window... pshh. duh.)

the ambu-ambu (ferry) comes from padang every sunday night, arriving in tua pajet on monday... so birdie goes into town to get supplies for the island and today i went on the adventure into town, along with rita, yona, jonas, dohu & pacman (workers/island fam)...

I wore my brown wrappy long sleeve thing that flaps across my shoulders so i would be respectful and sweated so much my hair was totally matted to my head.

i made friends with a couple of the store clerks in tua pajet - its so good for practicing my indonesian... we talk about a lot of stuff - the difference between the mentawais and california, how old we are, if we have brothers and sisters etc. and seemingly everyone's favorite question for - if saya punya pacar/suami (if i have a boyfriend or a husband) it was helpful when i realized that they understood WHAT i was saying when i responded and got into the meat of the conversation - they just didn't understand WHY i used to have a husband and don't have one now because i don't want one.
KENAPA!?
why? why? why?

i guess maybe i haven't ever really figured out EXACTLY why...
i think maybe i never really explained it to my parents either.
man, maybe i never even took the time to explain it to myself.

i don't know... it seems like just having a feeling that i want to be solo when i watch the sun go down off the side of a boat in the middle of the indian ocean so i can close my eyes and feel my skin around me and know that i am home inside myself and that's enough... well.. why would that not be a good enough answer?

i guess i want to be selfish.

i want to live for me.

haven't you ever heard "do one thing a day that scares you?"... well how about "do one thing in your lifetime that doesn't have a WHY?"

i mean, WHY do those hermit crabs charge it down the beach like they do?

maybe they're looking for food, or feeling like they are growing out of their shell and need a bigger one.

who knows? who cares? - (thats a great local natives song by the way)

i don't know... i guess i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky.
and i realized that not everyone has the same dreams...
in fact...
nobody has the same dreams.
because i'm the only one in my mind.

(except of course when i connect my spirit with one of my reflection connections - i.e. my friend nate who i completely met in the cosmos this morning and had an incredible meditation connection while i sat cross legged in the wet sand as the waves swept up and around my body.)

but this day was over and it was definitely turning to night.

i let the entire "away we go" soundtrack play on our journey back. (real good)

...shades of indigo, lilac, and the creeping black veil started to shroud the sea ahead of us as our boat bounced back across the darkness towards togat nusa.

when we finally parked the boat and climbed into the little canoe to get on shore i literally had a freak out bliss blast.
i threw my arms in the air and started howling and yelling in my obnoxious over-enthusiastic way
"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HOW FREAKING BEAUTIFUL THIS IS!?!? WE HAVE A DOME OF BRILLIANT MAGICAL STARS ABOVE US - THE WAKE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE CANOE IS SHOOTING UP THIS GORGEOUS WARM WATER AND THE AIR FEELS LIKE SILK!"

Birdie of course started laughing at me.

"just run your hand along the water and look at how amazing this is!" i demanded.

at that moment the water shooting up around the boat started flickering neon greenish blue.

bioluminescent phytoplankton.

ya, dude. the most magical gift of all.

"SEE!?" i screamed, laughing and reaching both hands off the canoe into the neon spray "PHUCKING PHOSPHRESCENT PHYTOPLANKTON! it's because i GAVE THANKS, dude! I'm TELLING YOU! i was in such a state of gratitude for that moment that the universe was like, oh ya? watch this!?"

BAM.


...THIS is why i am doing what i am doing.

this is why... this is kenapa saya tidak punya pacar.

kenapa saya tidak punya suami lagi.
(why i no longer have a husband)

because...

i am the only one who can look inside myself.

and
he who looks outside, dreams of standing beneath an orange sky...
he looks inside, awakens before one...

i dreamed about this in venice beach.
and i am awake here,

and now, tonight, i can sleep knowing that i got to touch the magic of the universe this evening.

and 50 bucks and a lifetimes supply of ice-cream says that my dreams tonight will be beneath an orange sky....

with my brothers and my sisters standing by...



...just like they always have.

the kingdom the eyes can't see...

***************
time/date = ppshhh - who knows, who cares

a few nights ago - i was super surrendered to the simplicity.

i was feeling so clam and grounded. i had practiced yoga, swam in the ocean and worked in the zen bungalow all day on a press release for John and Ainsley.

...which by the way is awesome!

Togat Nusa Retreat is OPEN!

guests are booking up and there's a feeling of allllright - here we go!
www.togatnusaretreat.com

but in the meantime, its just us on the island - and i personally am in heaven just being quiet and mellow, as i said "surrendering to the simplicity"

I casually strolled into the driftwood castle to hang before dinner to find a slightly more antsy, edging on agitated Cahn and Birdie lazing around.

Birdie had moved the ping pong table he built out of driftwood into the bar... but Beaker the monkey ate the last ping pong ball.

There was no music on which was unusual... and after we had a sit-up competition, a darts competition, ate dinner, and realized we didn't feel like movie night two nights in a row... it was time to take drastic measures.
It felt a little like kids looking to get in trouble because they had nothing to do.

So that's what we did.

First there was a bottle of rum that came out... then there was some gin... and then a little skoash of tequila that i had left over from the wedding week in my suitcase. (don't ask me HOW i forgot it was there until we started drinking)...

Yona bar-tended and rolled her eyes a lot as i got a full punk rock education.

Me and Birdie found that each of us had a ghetto side when a tupac song came on and we knew all the lyrics. And the highlight of the night was singing the Sublime song "date rape" in two parts from behind the bar like we were performing... it was pretty amazing.

Such a fun night.

Then the generator went off and we found ourselves in the pitch black of the driftwood castle. So Birdie and I walked down to the beach while the rest of the crew went to go navigate their way through the dark jungle and find their assigned bungalows and pondocks to sleep. Birdie is so rad i can't even say enough about my new friend. He's one of those people you just know is such a good person without even talking to them, and find its true through their generosity and honesty the more you hang out with them. AND my favorite part of all is his girlfriend Tia, from Padang... Not only is she adorable and funny and speaks english SO well (she's going to do a semester in LA i think)... she has the same energy as my little sister/hero Tia, which makes me feel close to my sister to hang with Tia when she comes out here.)plus he slaps a mean cat bass.


Anyways - we shuffled through the jungle and emerged on the sand only to be struck with how bright it was considering it is a waning moon (almost new)...
But the wind that had been blowing for about a week had finally blown off and uncovered the most unbelievable sheet of stars.
Of any night here thus far, this was the most phenomenal for star gazing for sure...

I can't even explain how beautiful it was to be under this dome of bright lights and constellations. Birdie and I stumbled around the beach trying to point out the southern cross in the zoo of stars above us... and both saw the most enormous shooting star i've ever seen as we were looking at the same part of the sky to the south (i think). it seemed to explode out of a black patch and zoom across the sky for what seemed like a full minute, until it burned out and evaporated like a firework's final moment. i think it must have been a meteor..

although Birdie wasn't nearly as impressed as i was by the shooting star or by the overall sky in general, but he's used to it here. Although of anyone, he still has the most enthusiasm and naive awe besides me, its crazy how something so unreal becomes the "norm" so quickly.

Ainsley said the other day that her friend asked how i was doing and Ains replied "well... its just like that movie city slickers." haha.

i personally think i am doing remarkably well - and adjusting to indonesian jungle island life very well. sure i still flintch a little when i see a bug the size of texas flying by my face, and turn a little white when a giant black snake is found inside Ainsley and John's bungalow... but shit... i'm walking back to the bungalow without a flashlight and i ate FISH! (once) which is huge. The monkey is my favorite thing on the planet and i am hanging out in full indonesian conversations and following what's being said.

I still gasped (repeatedly) at the sky that night and i wouldn't want it any other way.
it was magnificent and awe inspiring.
I couldn't help but fall asleep in sandy sheets so grateful for that night... for that sight.

I had skyped with my friend/soul brother Aaron that afternoon and he sang me this new song that he'd written - it was night in LA and he was on the front porch of the OM hOMe playing his guitar into the camera which made my heart twist a little bit.

He sent me the lyrics on facebook.

How appropriate?

Grateful heart it fills me full
Fills me full
I'm alive and it fills me full
fills me full

I'm for today
I'm for the birds who fly away
Free as they came
Free as they came


i wrote another song recently.

...actually its a song that i started to write one day sitting on josh and peter's floor at OM hOMe in january.

i think i was actually playing the black takamine when i wrote it.

(the guitar that josh ended up giving me to take on this journey... that i have now finished the song on)

ahh how i love the full circle...

we puffy painted and spray paint stenciled it before i left... duh.
(we stencil everything at the OM hOMe)

anyways - i remember that afternoon it was really windy. josh started playing along with me and making it way better then i could ever imagine it would be. (duh)

eli came over and she was sitting on the floor too.

isnt it funny how i can remember weird facts about that day but i cant remember how the song went...

anyways - i morphed it with another song that i had started writing in singapore...
so now its like this: (this is a part of it anyways)

i know we'll find a way.
we'll find a way to stay
..take my hands lets fly away

come run
run away with me
we'll run away from running
we'll run into stillness
and we'll fall into nothing

we'll run & we'll fall
we'll laugh & we'll be
as we run away from running
we'll fall in to where supposed to be

i woke up this morning before the sun came up and made a decision to fast and take a vow of silence today. (as much as possible)

it's sunday and i don't know... it feels necessary.

i am going to write, but try not to actually speak and i am just going to drink water, coffee, and coconuts today, as a cleanse for my body.

i walked over to the driftwood castle (which i now know is called an Uma)... and got a cup of coffee before anyone was up, except my buddy jo-jo.
I sat looking out at the ocean and past the palm trees and closed my eyes visualizing people i love in california. In my head i said 'take my hand and place your palm upon my heart.' --- i could feel myself connected, not just in my imagination, and obviously not actually physically -- but in this other realm.
Like my friend Joe Con sings...
its "the kingdom the eyes can't see"

that's where i go when i meditate.

it's not here and it's not NOT here... its another kingdom. not the driftwood kingdom i am living in... not the sleep/subconscious kingdom... the in between... the place where time ceases to exist.
like einstein says "time only exists so everything doesn't happen all at once"

and i wrote in a poem once from within that realm about that lack of time - and disconnection from the concept all together.
i said:

"so i can't help but to wonder if i was here, or if i will be then, or if i am here now. and mind can't help but spin circles, like a kaleidoscope splattering confusing colorful shapes against the wall. colors that draw me in with their perfectly imperfect chaos. my breath will guide the falcon that floats above my left eye. it will sweep my lifeless bod to a cliff i recognize from somewhere and i won't know whether to jump or fall until i arrive."

Johnny and i were talking last night about a lot of stuff - time, life, perspective & prophetic writings... like sometimes i hear my friend's songs much later on and i think whoa. how is that exactly what's going on in my life now... as though it was written for the future in the past?

i feel like my poems are a lot like that.

i just got surged with poetry last year and it flowed through me and out of me and sometimes i wouldn't know who was writing it but there it was... and then as my life has unraveled since then, i am finding that i was writing for day.

I'm for today.
I'm for the birds (like me) that fly away.
Free as we came.
Free as we came.

_________________
(transcribed from what i hand-wrote in the brown book - shawnski & nico will be happy to hear)

TODAY i decided to fast and be as silent as possible.

The yogis say that you are allocated a certain number of breaths for your lifetime when you are born... If we run around being windbags and worse still - being stressed out and hyperventilating all day we'll end up dying quicker.

LIFE is just too beautiful through my eyes so i'm extending it by being conscious of my intake of everything, especially the breath.

I am fasting on coconuts, coffee & water on this sunny sunday.

This morning I woke up before the sun was up... i played guitar, practiced yoga in the bungalow, and now i am on the beach watching the waves and thinking...


Last night when Johnny and I were having that conversation after dinner, we got to
talking about lifeTIMEs and how sometimes something seems like it's lasting an eternity ...
(it's usually when you're itching to get out of a yoga pose, come up for a breath when you're freediving, or wanting to finish doing something that is uncomfortable.)

it's when you are ZOOMED IN on that moment and watching the seconds tick by...

but then when you ZOOM OUT and see what a speck of dust in the roadmap of your entire life that moment was... and then zoom back even further and see your life in the grand timeline of life as we know it...

the greater perspective makes us feel like we are hardly even a blip of the radar...

SO.. my intention for today is to be neither zoomed IN or zoomed OUT-- neither focused on the seconds of today or seeing my life from so far away that it seems insignificant.

I intend to see everything at neutral.

see everything for what it is... and let the gratitude fill my heart.

See the beauty in the NOW...
in the HERE
in THIS reality.

Because i spend so much time in the kingdom the eyes can't see...

I am going to watch a hermit crab.

.....

(later)

i find breath-work so interesting.



i love to gauge where i'm at in life using what i call the "box breath"

i take each side for the count of 5 and see where i find ease and difficulty.

TODAY - exhale - was perfect... to me - this means that i'm on point with surrender and letting go.
holding empty space - also no problem... which means i am practicing aprigrapha (not gripping or grasping for air in the breath cycle & things/people in life...
inhale - sometimes i get to 3 and i have already taken all i can - which means i am taking on too much too quickly in life... but today - i found i got to 5 and still could receive so much more--- maybe a little message to myself (from myself) with love... that there is MORE to see and receive and experience.
hold at the top i found instead of being anxious to let go (which is normal) - i almost don't want to exhale when i get to the count of 5 today. i want to hold it longer. maybe here is where i am holding on... afraid to let such a perfect moment in life roll by...
i am trying to hold it tight...
savor it for one more moment...
but we all know that nothing is permanent.

i guess its all the more reason to live for today...

for the birds who fly away.

a WAY, kin to MAGIC...

***********
magic magic everywhere



there was so much magic today.

i asked my friend yona twice how to say "magic" in bahasa indonesia...
the second time she finally said "ZANI! why you love magic?"

we had an incredible conversation that i can't even really translate/transpose because it was in so many languages... english, indonesian, body language and energy.

She picked up my rose quartz ammulet and held it for a little while and then closed her eyes. Then she looked up at me like she understood. "magic" she said.

apparently she has seen terapis (i guess some kind of healers) use rose quartz to heal people.
and here i am telling her i believe in all kinds of magic and synchronicity and i wear a rose quartz chunk around my neck that sasha made and tied around me in venice before i left...
i have a rose quartz ammulet that erin and i were gifted in santa fe and i never travel without.
and a rose quartz heart that a reflection connection spirit gave me after the car accident.

"zani-merah jambu magic" (rosy pink magic) she said...

i told her i am a "bagus penyihir" (a good witch)

she said "merah jambu magic bagus penyihir terapi"...

magic is everywhere.

i see it in the sunlight on the palm frawns... i see it in the way the raindrops fall... i see it in the reef and the vines and the trees... i see it in every set of eyeballs i look into. but i hear so much magic when someone laughs.

it's everywhere.

i walked out of the bungalow about midafternoon to find Ainsley near the driftwood castle using this SUUUPER old school lawn mower on the grass that grows under the clothes lines that are tied between palm trees.
I got so excited by this lawn mower that you push and blades spin... almost as excited as i get to use a clothes line that's tied between palm trees to dry my sarongs and bathing-suits in the island sun... i relieved Ainsley and started pushing this giant, heavy thing around that you literally have to use all your upper body and core strength to make it move... and i seriously did not want to stop. it might be my new favorite pasttime/form of exercise.

the monkey, beaker was sitting up on the roof of the outdoor shower, next to the rain reclamation jugs (that would very soon be getting a filling) - she sat munching on a banana watching me with my silly grin, giggling every single time i pushed and pulled the mower.
yona was giggling to herself too, as she pulled weeds and made the little dirt circles around the trees perfect.

they say if you don't maintain the landscaping, jungle will completely take back the island in less the a year. i don't think i can even explain the climate here.
there are about 500 coconut trees on this tiny island, kamani trees (hawaiian flower trees that smell like honey infused jasmine), orchids, climbing vines, just seemingly every single kind of flora and fauna that exists. it's just SO lush. everything blooms and flowers.

even my fingernails and hair are growing at rocketspeed. (although that might be because i ate fish!! yea. its true. i did it. i overcame my fear and i tasted a tuna that cahn had caught that afternoon in front of the island... as he does every night.)

i'm feeling rather full of life to be honest... more then i ever have really.

but everything is ALIVE.

last night i lay in my bed and just listened. it was SO loud. the symphony of crickets and lizards and bugs and geckos all singing at once from deep in the jungle squaring off to the booming waves that crash upon the coral reef.
there is a serenity in the movement and the noise though. it's so still, and yet SO active and moving.
i think about that a lot, that all round me on this 12 hectare island, is moving tides... sometimes i get almost feelings of vertigo like when you are sitting in a car and the car next to you starts reversing and you think your car is rolling forwards but its not. it's actually still.

ya. like that.

another bit from my book "The Twelfth Insight"

"When we feel convinced inside that our spiritual experiences are real, then we must live them fully and openly and tell everyone about them, because if there really is an influence - and i believe there is- then it helps everyone get to a higher level of experience faster."

then i read "We have to stay awake and help others stay awake."

my mind wandered off to staying awake in the car with Mikey.

Mikey was my best friend before life lead us in different directions. He and i went on some pretty insane adventures together though in that year we spent absolutely inseparable.

A few times i drove him to Las Vegas to play music with this ridiculous, satyrical punk-rock band he played in. He dressed up as this motocross racer and got all bro-ski on stage... little did the audience of x-games pick-up truck driving americans know that under that suit he wore a peace sign and a wooden burning man symbol and eyes that ached for deeper meaning in life.

We had a habit of talking for hours upon hours - literally ALL night - and then we'd "sleep" during daylight hours using a blackout curtain- but completely infiltrate one another's dreams-pace and continue our conscious conversations.

We kept each other "awake" almost like a game.

One time driving back from Vegas - we left the Hard Rock after his show at 5am... He needed to be in LA to work at 9am... so i floored it and drove through the night in my little convertible with the top down. Mikey had it in his head for some reason that if you slapped the inside of eachother's thigh really really hard it would keep them awake.
(i got back to LA with completely bruised and welted thighs.)

But we made it.
And we had helped keep one another awake.

Ironically, the Twelfth Insight chapter I am quoting from about keeping eachother AWAKE in the last two blogs, is called "conscious conversation"...

which is exactly what i called my corners at the collective shows (a by-product of being awake as a community of musicians and artists)... thecollectiveca.com
this picture is me, courtney, colin and peter moon at a manifestival for the collective... i made those signs to hang above this little corner i would sit in and just make a little zen zone and encourage people to speak their minds - set intentions.... dig deep into conversations.. and bounce ideas off one another - since we are all conscious beings that have been magnetically drawn together on that night.
it was a pretty awesome time, and this picture is one of my favorites. courtney berman used to photo document all our events and it's crazy that on the other side of the world i can still look at her pictures and be brought right back to those moments.
i love her. (and it's her sister who gave me "The Twelfth Insight" before i left... what a cool family)

I almost had to shake myself to bring myself back to the island after drifting off to those mikey memories.
it felt like a million years ago, even though they were very recent. (last year this time he was living in my apartment... and i was about to leave him to housesit while i came to THIS island, which was the beginning of the end of the Bay street flop house and the beginning of the OM hOMe.)

Coming back from that train of memory my eyes were all black and bubbly, trying to adjust to the driftwood castle. i guess i had been staring straight at the sun while i was off in memory land.

I was sitting next to Cahn.


Cahn is pretty amazing, actually. He lives in this three walled hut and i don't think he owns a pair of shoes or a shirt. and he creates all this incredible stone work on the island (i.e. the shower of the bungalow i have been sleeping in.peep that pic. its unreal)
He doesn't have a computer. No email address, and only got a cell phone a year ago. He reads all the time and thinks deeply, but lives simply.

We started talking about a myriad of things, but mostly the symbolism in everything.
The reflection of nature in itself.
several things stood out in our conversation as mindblowing awesomeness, that i sat and chewed on... rolled over in my mouth like a sip of mezcal...
He told me that

after we are born (from our 100% saline amniotic sac) .... WE are 70.8% water in our bodies. The earth is covered by 70.8% ocean.
The word for "month" is the same as it is for "moon" in bahasa indonesia.
BULAN.
A woman's cycle is 28 days. The Moon cycles every 28 days.
The moon controls the tides... you wanna tell me that the moon doesn't control our emotions too?
BOOOSH.

And if you have ever taken a yoga class from me, you have probably heard me relate the breath to the ocean waves...
as we inhale, its like the sea drawing the water back into the body of the ocean, and as we exhale its like the waves crashing towards the dry sand.
it even sounds like waves.
if you close your eyes and meditate and just listen to the sound of your breath its like being inside a conch shell.

He also told me that coral released these pheromones into the atmosphere that causes clouds to form above them (to protect them from the sun)... which causes it to rain.
(ironically this was a part of the conversation Mikey and I had in my bay street apartment that lead me to call Time Warner and cancel my cable forever.... As Mikey believed that the government had gotten ahold of this and made a technology so they could control the weather and then mind control us with our TVs to cause fear and panic)
typical.

I told Cahn that i believe everyone has a brilliant mind and a pure soul and is inherently good and all love... but we get covered in shit... like barnacles that grow over us in our sedentary state. or filth that builds up on a window that doesn't get cleaned. and once we are able to dig through and clean it off, pick off the barnacles and release all the shit we own and have been bogged down with... we can be free..
and return to purity and simplicity.

but it is hard to release and let go of the barnacles that have essentially become part of us.

Cahn said to me something that was like BONNNNNG - a giant bell getting tolled in my head.

"Barnacles won't live on anything that is in constant movement."

This is how i feel.

I think this might be how i got to where i am right now. I had this feeling like i was just COVERED in barnacles.
i was bogged down.
i was connected to too many people... too many things...
i was plugged into too many sockets at once...
and i felt clausterphobic.

so i started to shake.
i started to panic and have anxiety attacks that i couldn't get ahold of.

and finally i just started picking the barnacles off one by one and then i started running and dancing... and i danced right out of los angeles... and i am dancing on this island... until it's time to move on...

and i just wish that everyone could dance out of their clausterphobia due to stagnation... and then everyone could see what i see.

everyone would wake up.

everyone would see what colors actually look like when you see them through eyes that are awake...

i didn't realize an ocean could be this many colors of blue.

i run and dance and twirl towards the sun... towards spirit...

but in order to be free...
we must first be able to be.

so i guess sometimes we have to fit inside a box, before we can break out of it.

but my friends....

when you're ready to break out... come join me.

i'm waiting in the wild with open arms.

you're all invited to this party.

come run.
run away with me.
we'll run away from running.

nyamuk-in' me CRAZY

******************
today around 7am

I woke up in a panic.
I was in the bungalow bed alone and i had pulled my mosquito net out from it's airtight tucked-in seal...
my feet and legs were sticking out in the open air of the room... in free reign nyamuk (mozzie) land.

my whole body was literally throbbing.

without even moving my hand to feel or opening my eyes to see I knew I had at least 25 new bites.

the Mosquitos are so gnarly for me out here.

as a community of flying assholes, they are obsessed with me and will not leave me alone at all... ever.

I DOUSE myself in repellant daily and nightly... covering my skin in horrible poison, which I hate!
and it's to no end anyways...
they are kamikaze jihadists when tempted with my blood.

I have literally done everything...
I have asked nicely...
I have manifested a forcefield around me in meditation...
I have drank 10 gin and tonics hoping the quinine would make me bitter...
I have had almost a whole bottle of pedas manis (hot sauce) hoping it would make my blood spicy...
I've loaded up on B vitamins... (and now I'm out... but apparently they hate B vitamin infused blood)
I have used every spray, oil, balsam, and lotion in indonesia...

and still...

my blood gets stolen EVERY night...

my skin is left red, swollen, pocked to hell and insanely itchy.

so this morning I lay there on the bed in bungalow satu as the morning light crept in the window and the palm trees rustled in the wind and i scratched.
I scratched my feet and legs until they oozed and bled.
i ground my teeth and pretty much almost lost my mind and started screaming and then thought to myself:


"maybe I'm stuck on this level for a reason."


I can't get off this mental plane of freaking out over my skin and maybe that energy is actually attracting the mosquitos....

like how Jamie used to LOVE to wind me up... see how many times he could poke my hornet's nest until I exploded and everything went storming and swarming and chaos ensued.

tidak lucu by the way
not funny.

but maybe, just maybe once I stop caring, they'll leave me alone?

so I sat on the floor and I closed my eyes and I breathed deeply.

then I did sun salutations looking out the bungalows double doors towards the ocean until I was sweaty and exhausted.

then I walked down to the water (a whole 16 steps) to go for a swim and let the salt nurse my now open wounds.


I tied my mother's pink & purple tyedye scarf I use as a sarong around the kamani tree (the most beautiful smelling honey infused jasmine-smelling flowers bloom on this magnificent species)... and I dove into the choppy turquoise water.

it's definitely another storm day today.

I waded around- fighting against the shallow but strong current and spun around looking out at all the whitecaps out there.

every ripple in the sea seemed to be fighting against the wind.

this beautiul ocean that can be so still an calm that it literally looks like glass, is so throwing a temper tantrum today...
it is adamant it wants to flow southwest, but the wind has other plans for today. it will blow to the north whether the sea begs and pleads or not.

and the sea in turn gets chopped up, whitecaps like tiny explosions... like violently scratched open bug bites...

as i waded near the shore in the grey morning light of a brewing storm-- i watched it progress quickly and ferociously-- rolling across from the far out beyond... I watched it come straight towards me... I ran and grabbed my scarf that was blowing straight horizontal to the sandy ground, and went back into the bungalow as the mammoth rain drops reached land, pounding after my footsteps like the threatening echo of a giant running behind me.

I told myself:
today is the day you let go, zani.

NO obsession
NO freak outs
NO itching
NO caring
NO internet (I'm gonna try... except to post this maybe)
NO refined sugar (I realized I haven't tried that yet as a mozzie remedy -- because I made a percobaaan that I've been working my way through- peanutbutter, coconut, cocoa, coffee, banana ice-cream)

today I surrender.

and I let the banyak nyamuk know that they can't get to me.... they won't nyamuk me crazy!
they can bite me, but they won't provoke me or upset me.

I come to this feeling not by pushing past it or forcing it, but rather by softening inward, relaxing away from my skin and finding peace within.

I always teach that idea of moving in away from the skin-- now I challenge myself to do it.
literally.

i have been thinking a lot about leading by example.

i spend so much time teaching, for some reason.

it started when i was 12 yrs old and i started teaching dance...
since then i've taught pre-school, spinning, yoga, and more...

i always seem to be leading things.
but i wrote this poem in a book i was looking through recently...

"she whispered to her shadow...

upon these sands...

to be free, we must first be able to be.

i may guide you to the center of your soul...

but do not follow me out your door.

For i too stumble in the dark and walk towards a beacon i cant make out in the distance."


in other words... i am a student too!

and i am doing my best to live my truth...
practice what i preach...
walk the word, ya know?

then (to no surprise, really)... synchronicity had it's way (as it always does) and i opened the book that i am reading (a gift from BBerm)--- i am pacing myself through it SO slowly - only letting myself read tiny bits at a time, and then tasting them, marinating on them...
the book is THE TWELFTH INSIGHT, by james redfield

and i read this page today:
_____________________
.... I nodded. I knew a little bit about Kant. He was the father of a philosophy called phenomenology, which essentially called for thinkers to suspend their ordinary way of looking at a give phenomenon in nature in order to see it in a fresh way...
I'd even heard of the imperative idea - living and conducting yourself as if others would be compelled to live and believe the exact same way as you - because, said Kant, that is the exact influence we actually have on them.

Everyone has to not only be honest but tentative in their beliefs before making great proclamations, otherwise we can be pulling others in the wrong direction, just by this mysterious influence we have on them. The Document says that we have to come to grips with the fact that our personal reality is contagious.

It says that each of us must first and foremost 'prove to ourselves' that our conclusions about spirituality actually work before we pass them along as truth. And because we are adding spiritual knowledge to our secular reality, we should use 'logic first' as we proceed...
_______________________________

**********
a little later on...

UMM... life got so beautiful today its blooooowing my mind.
i vlogged it so much...
and was able to upload a video to youtube...
here it is...
(p.s. that is my friend Yona in the driftwood castle)



maybe this was my cosmic omen telling me that i am on the right path - i am walking... charging it towards the unknown like the hermit crab - who cares what the destination... just forging new tracks in the sand...
and finding beauty in absolutely everything.

as soon as i stopped freaking out... so did the weather.

i mean - this storm just vanished.
it was so magnificent.

I am living my personal destiny... i am finding my personal truth... and i am discovering sweet synchroNECTAR everywhere.

and i am learning to bow to my divine teacher within....

OM SRI GURU BHYO NAMAHA...

2day's thoughts & things

****************
yesterday
a day for pondering...



i feel like today is a day for thinking.

i kind of want to cut myself off from the Internet. i want to not check my email or facebook or skype for a week and see what happens.

we only have the internet during waking hours here anyways - so at some point, the internet goes off and then doesn't come back until the morning.

it's another super stormy day.

the winds are so intense here.
last night, my friend joey and i slept in the driftwood castle under this epic princess mosquito net that i discovered two nights ago. its really thick and probably too hot during nights when it isn't so windy...
but it's been perfect for the conditions of the last two nights.
the mosquitoes and the wind stay out and we stay cozy inside.

the storms get so crazy. maybe its something with being so close to the equator.
i feel like ten times as much water comes down in each raindrop and the wind blows ten times as hard, and everything is just heightened.

tadi malam (last night) - everyone was exhausted, so we got into the princess net early and decided to watch this documentary "LSD: the beyond within" while the wind whipped through the room and the rain pounded down on the sagu palm roof above us. creatures clicked and rustled around as huge bugs buzzed outside the thick white fabric... attracted to the light of the computer screen.
i found out that LSD was invented on my birthday (april 16th)!
whoa.

then the generator went off... and so we put the computer away and chatted for about an hour in the pitch black of night.

it is SO dark on stormy nights. as wide as you can possibly make your eyes, as long as you wait for them to adjust.... there is NOTHING to see. its like seeing what it would be like to be blind.
not even a silhouette to make out.

its no surprise that the conversation lead to "synchronicity"... and the last things we said before falling into a deep, 12 hour sleep were agreeing that

1. we have no say in deciding what will happen. the only thing we ever get to choose is our reaction. (sound familiar??)

2. we are creating our realities. and have a choice to make manifest beauty and ease in our lives.

3. we have to trust and surrender. gifts cannot be given to a closed palm. we have to let go to receive. if we are wrapped around something - holding it tight - gripping onto people and things - we can't grow any further. we have to keep letting go.
over
and over
and over
and over

i slept like a baby and woke up before the sun was up, but dawn was starting to break, so there was a little light... sitting, to look out at the ocean, i started my daily ritual of sending blessings to the people i love, but softening my heart and melting from the inside out, across the ocean...
i visualize my love, melting like drawn butter... oozing into the hearts of my beloved.
the wind was so intense and looking over my shoulder i saw that princess tent and it was just too enticing, so i crawled back in and slept for another 4 hours or so.

banyak tidur. (too much sleep!!)

when i finally rolled out of bed, coffee and granola were out on the bar and i put on my trusty "morning mix" - plugging my i-thing into the speaker system and finding the perfect not-too-abrasvie and just loud enough to be heard volume level.

the mix starts with bob dylan "meet me in the morning"

my eyes started to adjust to the light. my body started to wake up.

then cat stevens "wind" comes on.

comments of how appropriate that song is on a windy morning like today are spoken... and i rant and rave about how much i love it.
seriously - its my top five favorite songs.

tia and i made up a harmony the last time we were in santa cruz walking back up from the sunset all snuggled together under blankets - before caravanning with all the gorgeous members of the red house and going to see aaron glass perform. (i love him.)

simon & garfunkel break into "the only living boy in new york" ...

joey made a comment about the line 'i get the news i need on the weather report.'
surfers seriously LOVE to talk about the weather... almost more then the British do.
the weather is no good today.
...and apparently is going to stay this way for a while.
well... plenty of time for yoga, pondering, and drug culture documentary watching, right?

i walk to the bar to fill up my third cup of wonderfully strong coffee.

"sigh no more" - mumford and sons comes on next.

my heart wanders off, diving into days and nights gone by over the last year in venice beach.
the undertow of memory pulls me into a night not too long ago - but seemingly in another lifetime when joshie wore his poncho, aaron and amber were in town - and that night's designated crew of love beings wandered back and forth between shawnskitawnky compound and the om home.
we climbed a wall like spidermen.
we crashed a house party on broadway and i pretended to dive into a pool, that was not a pool at all, but a reflection of moonlight...
aaron and the om home's tara sculpture got deep into it.
she told him to laugh and smile at everything.
we sat on the wood deck outside the sliding glass window when shawnski was sleeping and reminded eachother that WE are ONE.
we kept laughing and screaming "we created we"
we were wrapped in native american inspired blankets all night and then i dreamt that night about sky-diving with the blankets as our sails.

i gaze out at the indonesian ocean and then out a little further to the horizon and i sigh...
then i giggle at the fact that i am sigh-ing while listening to "sigh no more"

my attention comes back to the table and i tuned back in to the conversation being had by birdie and johnny.

"indonesia has the most diverse reefs in the world."
"ya... but they're quickly dying."
"ya... i saw that only 6% of the reefs here are perfect and undamaged."

*another point to ponder.... the destruction of the earth. HOW can we be doing this?
and what can we DO?

Cahn has been reading a book called "The Wild" - and as we were deep in come philosophical conversation, he stood up and went to grab his book.
he opened it and told me to read the first page...
...this is the first page.

whoooooosh
i mean... is this me?
did i write this?
or is this telling me, like mumford and sons tell me...
"you are not alone in this..."
there are others who ache and itch and thirst and crave THIS...
just flying...
freedom.
isolation.
the open road.
the wild.

i stare out at the waves a little longer and day-dream about dreaming.
touching foreheads with someone i love.
third eye to third eye.

i get up and change the music to "come around sundown" by kings of leon and proceed to let the entire album play three times while cleaning up and typing letters of love.



i decided that i am going to sit as HIGH UP as i can today and write... and i am going to write with my hand.... pen and parchment.
i will transcribe what is appropriate.

*****************
today

(this is transcribed from the book i wrote in)

the top right hand corner where you might write the date says:

who knows/2011
who cares o'clock

i told shawn hannah i would climb somewhere high and write with a pen today.

here it is.
pen in courtney's book.

my height is in my optimism only for i am upon a flat island.

i am, however, sitting on sand that slopes up from the ocean...

it's high tide but you wouldn't know it cuz i'm as dry as a bone...
minus the sweat...
and the slightly damp bikini from this morning's swim.

but, umm... is a bone even dry?

bones are under our skin, surrounded and swimming in blood and fluid.
weirdos.

i'm facing directly west.
(i can tell because of the reef and where the channel runs between our island and the neighbors... it's what defines the waves.)

i wonder what's out ahead of me.

what is beyond this island of ocean-eyed dreamers and simplicity?

the last thing i wrote in this book is
"SURRENDER TO THE SIMPLICITY, ZANI."

and i have
and i do
but i wonder
what happens if i take those irish lyrics and "swim till you can't see land"

how far can i go?

how long is my reach?

what will my fingertips brush up against if i stretch and shoot firelight out to light the way, as i soften inward and call out into the cosmos?

and it just occurred to me that i wrote this to myself:

"feel nothing. we reach out to find what was standing behind us."

its one of the first lines of one of the first in a slew of poems that erupted out of me after jamie left.
...i think maybe each word i wrote... (which felt every time like the words were writing ME)... were written to THIS me.
The one who was once future me...
and will soon be that girl i USED to be...

i don't know for sure, but i think our venice wormhole takes this ridiculous concept of time and plays with if in a funny way...
WHO KNOWS?

"Cuz I've been dreaming of the open road.
I've got this feeling like i won't be coming hOMe anytime soon.
Let's go around the world and make it new.
and Oh, let's get lost.
Let's walk into the dark and forget about our sorrows.
We'll learn to let go."

But like my friend Mick said that day we climbed to the top of a hill in Padang...

"we can't get lost when he have no destination."

and none of it really matters anyway.

Last night my friend Nati said, "Johnny... two things i've noticed about your island. two things. and i've taken note... and i love these things and i hope you never change them...
ONE: no t.v. anywhere.
TWO: no clocks in sight."

brilliant.
cuz WHO CARES whats happening over there?
BE
HERE
NOW

(btw - i clearly failed at the whole disconnect from computers and internet for a few days idea.)

But, hey... I'm just existing... flowing... Rolling with these waves and letting my love spill out from my heart and roll west.

i still have no clue what its gonna hit first - maybe the seychells... or the maldives... or maybe africa...

It doesn't matter.

I have enough joy to send to everyone.
I am happy.
Saya Senang.

I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose. -Ayn Rand

i mean... BOOOOOOOSH.

p.s. i made this video today - kind of like a promo for yoga & surfing at Togat Nusa