Affluenza

4pm - Padang, West Sumatra - the Havilla Maranatha lobby

An hour  before .... Covered in black sand filth and fully clothed but soaking wet from the highly questionable waters of Padang, we walked back towards the hotel dodging traffic and animatedly talking about the impromptu mini surf lesson I'd just be given by my new friend Ryan.

He hadn't given me a choice and told me if I didn't come with him in 4 minutes, he would drag me by my hair, so reluctantly I obliged as he grabbed a random surfboard off the wall in the lobby and off we went towards the nasty water on the coast.

We briskly trotted along the coconut trees and rocks on the shore... 

I continuously tried to talk my way out of having to get into the water as we ducked under wires and shimmied past gudang huts with rusted roofs and palm frown walls selling fruit and nasi... 

Insisting that we go further away from the river mouth where the Maura (which might be the dirtiest river in the world) dumps out into the Indian Ocean, staining the water putrid brown.Finally I started seeing some blue and realizing i was not getting out of it, I slipped off my shoes and agreed to paddle out into the little point break that was creating waves of half water, half garbage provided I didn't have to put my head under. 

"Fine." he said. "Deal."

In under a minute a wave started to peak and he quickly said "you're going under" before tucking the nose of the little board under the wave and popping us up on the other side. 

"Well now your wet, so get over it." and off he went on his unique paddling theory that he regularly teaches in Bali.

(As soon as i found this out I regretted telling him that I don't surf.)

Of course the lesson was over quickly when he realized that I completely know what I'm doing physically... That it really is just a bunch of mental blocks that prevent me from surfing out in the mentawais.

While heatedly debating on the walk home, shutting me down every time I pulled an excuse out of my heavy box of excuses that I tote around with me, we came to the crazy intersection where traffic goes in 11 different directions without a roundabout, stop light or single rule- just everyone goes and somehow it works out...

A little indo guy peddled up to us on his bicycle rikshaw flatbed thing.

 "gratis?" Ryan asked as the man nodded and we hopped on, hitching a ride up the street.

Ryan stood up at first riding teen-wolf style and then sat down to talk me out of my head a little more as the hot midday sun beat down on our still un-showered bodies. (every minute that went by i felt myself contracting cholera or typhoid or something and made little puking gag noises.)

"You're pissing me off!" he said honestly but still with the encouragement and enthusiasm of a big brother who wouldn't be giving up any time soon.

"You are politely turning down opportunity while I'm grasping and clawing at anything I can get."

He explained what I already know and have heard a million times about how surfers all over the world are sitting in offices dreaming, aching, willing to give body parts away to be where I am and have the opportunities I have. He made it seem like I don't even know what it's like to struggle and want for anything... 

And the more I thought about it, the more I think he's right. 

He's from South Africa and has overcome obstacles and that as an American from Pacific Palisades no less, I just don't understand.It's a classic case of affluenza.

The sickness of affluence... endless opportunity that are presented to me while I don't take advantage of or grab onto because of the belief that there is so much more abundance, i don't NEED it, so why should i take it? 

Easier to just cruise, right? But of course, this is exactly what I was confronted with in India, when trekking with my best buddy Baba Aaron who i debated a similar thing... - 

http://aloveninja.blogspot.com/2011/12/theres-always-daisies.html 

(here's my piece i wrote on it last year)I had no desire or will to make it to the top of the trek. 

I was perfectly happy just cruising and staying down below when it got too hard.My willingness to give up, despite wanting something...It's not a good trait to have.

A group of us huddled around Stanley's laptop the day before,  standing and sitting in the lobby of the Havilla Maranatha in Padang as Ryan aka Bugsy aka Merman and the Naked Sea Life appeared on the computer screen playing a guitar while inside the barrel of a wave. (something that looks so unbelievably wicked, I can't even tell you.)

Ryan's smile was as big as the rest of ours... I was with 5 South African guys, 1 Aussie guest from Shayne's last charter and me.

Besides the overuse of the words "Bru" and "Shot" and other SA colloquialisms, it was a really fun day turned to night spent with the Saffer boys, sitting around the lobby drinking and laughing and telling stories.

They told me about the Wild Coast in South Africa, which sounds like a place i need to go to... the undeveloped, organic, alternative area of the country... well, at least thats how it sounds.

This is so the story of how i live my life... i spend some time with someone who excites me and tells me about a far away land and ZaniGo turns on the engine and is revving, ready to go explore and experience it.

Were I to have the money, I'd probably drop everything and go straight there before coming home to California... But thankfully, I have hit a low in my financial lifespan... It's nothing that i don't trust will work itself out and be fine, but I have no money left... at all.R

eal money or fake money (credit cards)...So its time for me to go home to my beautiful, affluent life that i am so blessed to have.

To live in the most beautiful, clean, gorgeous state of California... a place that will pay for me to go to school... live with my parents in their stunning home in Cardiff, San Diego and hussle for a bit.

I think maybe the only cure for affluenza is hard work.

I promised the Merman that I would work hard at overcoming by blocks and phobias about surfing... and i am committing to myself right now... I am going to make things work even when they are hard.

School, a long distance relationship, getting good at surfing, and making money.

Bye Bye affluenza, Hello hard work.

I think I'm ready

Last day in the Mentawais… for now.

My eyes fluttered open around 6:30am to see the last morning I'd spend on the island through the mesh of the pop-up mosquito net that was over me.

The waves crashed on the beach in the early morning light and i heard Beaker start to shift around and squeak, waking up in her cage that sits on the porch outside our rooms in 'Bungalow Empat.'

Ainsley came in my room  last night and reached under the mosquito net to pull a sleeping Beaker out of my bed and put her in the cage.

I was attached to my little monkey love since she had crawled into my arms and cuddled up on my chest after dinner last night, falling asleep in her usual position, her little hands stuck under my armpits, breathing heavily through her tiny lips.

The table was full of my friends, John & Ainsley, Terry the surf guide/magician, Brent the new Tasmanian chef, and Tom & Sas who came for the night to visit with their 2 year old son Jonah… Jonah is exactly Beaker's age and they have grown up together out here in the Mentawais. Best friends their whole lives. Its outrageously cute.

Everyone at the dinner table was in conversation as i zoned out and started feeling Beaker's little chest rising and falling against mine as she slept.  Jo-Jo the dog came up and nuzzled next to my knee looking for a little affection as usual. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on Beakers and with one hand on Jo-Jo I just started breathing at the same time as the animals I love so much… Just taking a little time-out to breathe as one.

When i opened my eyes,  literally everyone at the table was silent and staring at me in my moment with the monkey before we all started laughing… Typical.

It had been a long day.

I had woken up out on the boat and hung out until about 10am.  When i got back to the island, knowing it would be my last day there, i grabbed a surfboard and went for a paddle around the island, OMing into the waves and stoking the satin water with each stroke of my arms… sipping in the moment… looking over my right shoulder as i paddled with whole circumference of the 12 hectare jungle island - watching the driftwood and magic float by in a clockwise circle.

As soon as I got back to where i started and showered off,  Brent excitedly called me over to show me a baby turtle that had hatched from the 12 nests that were laid a few months back.

I held the baby for a moment while we directed him towards the water. His first day of life.

Turtles live for a really really long time. I think some live for something like 300 years.

And sea turtles always come back to the same beach to have their babies.

I was hanging out with this guy on his very first day of life… a life that (provided nothing goes awry) will outlast mine and my children's and THEIR children's…

I called out to him as he was swimming away into the satin blue waters and encouraged him to take care of himself and asked him say hello to the future for me.

It was kind of emotional for me.

Ainsley and I searched for his brothers and sisters who would have been hatching that day too… We sat on the beach with Beaker, Jo-Jo and Kitty looking and waiting for more turtles to hatch when we saw a dead sea snake… the black and white ones that are the most deadly thing out here in the Mentawais.

it was coiled and seemed to have two big fang mark holes on his back… the hermit crabs were already tucking in and eating it.

At the end of last year I dreamed about a snake and then saw 3 in 2 days after never having seen one the whole season.

A week ago i dreamed about snakes all night and then a dead one washed up on shore.

Things just happen like this here. Think and ye shall manifest into reality.

My mom wrote me the other day and reminded me that we are creating our realities. I had told her my idea to maybe go to medical school - and even if i stick with the original plan and go to nursing school - i am thinking about maybe applying to school in Hawaii.

It just seems like the best option for me… a person who thrives and feels whole in the tropics.

This morning Jonah and I put hibiscus flowers behind our ears while the monkey sat on the swing looking out at the charter boats docked while surfers sat in the lineup.  I thought about how cool Jonah will be when he grows up and tells people that he grew up in the Mentawais and his best friend was a monkey named Beaker.

Shayne pulled up in his tender with Stanley, his South African surf guide. Jonah pointed out at Shayne and kept asking what uncle was doing.

Everyone is uncle or auntie to Jonah. He is from this great big beautiful family that I have been so blessed to be a part of out here.

The Mentawai community continues to amaze me. Everyone takes care of one another and there is such a strong sense of support, even though it is spread out and sometimes you won't see your neighbors for months at a time.

Cahn, my friend who lived at Togat Nusa last year and is now the surf guide at a nearby land camp, lives just 45 minutes away by boat with his Mentawai wife Sue and daughter Kayla, but not many people have even met the baby yet.

I saw Cahn when i got back on Kaimana and told him i would come over to meet Kayla before we took off to Padang, but we didn't have time this trip, so i promised to go when i'm out here on the next trip.

It's emotional having bonds to people you rarely see.

I felt so far away from Ainsley and John when i was in the Telos, and now that I've been down here, i feel a million miles away from Michelle and Mario.

When Shayne is out at sea, although he is cruising around in the island chain, I sometimes won't see him for 2 or 3 weeks at a time and it feels like i might as well be in america.

The workers on the island sometimes have families on other islands that they only see a handful of times in the year… but like Jonah, all the kids out here have a million aunties and uncles so everyone is taken care of wherever they are.

I feel like i have a million brothers and sisters, aunties and uncles… dear friends that i have made over the last few years out here. 

I cried when I hugged Ainsley goodbye this morning. I had to turn around and walk back along the sandy path so i wouldn't get all gushy and start bawling. I just watched my bare feet trot through the sand and told myself i would walk this path again.

I don't know when i am going to see her again. I have no clue when i will be back here.

I am now totally in debt and maxed out on credit, so its not like i can really afford to drop in for a month or two next season. I will be starting school and need to really focus on that right now.

I told Ainsley i would see her soon… because "soon" is relative and she always tells me that life is long… and its true.

I know i will be back here one day. Maybe i will be nurse zani next time i am back, when Jonah is no longer a toddler and Beaker is a grown up…  But just like my little turtle buddy that will be back to lay his eggs here… I will come back one day too and I think a part of my heart will always be there no matter where i go.

For now, I am off to Padang on Kaimana for a few days and will come out one last time for the next charter on the boat… and then i head to Singpore and back to California.

The path keeps going.

Round and round it goes.

Where it ends? Nobody knows.

No return ticket.

so much laughter and love as of late!

The Frey family has been here. A Newport Beach Dad who brought his his 32 year old son Aaron, 24 year old daughter Leona, 21 year old son Joe, and 14 year old son, Jack.
The two older sons have ironic tatto's on their legs, surf the big waves that have been rolling through, and are scared of monsters.
The daughter, Leona is a copywriter from San Francisco and we are "defacto best friends" as I explained to the guys on the Indies Trader 4 boat last night when we went over there for drinks and they asked if we were sisters.
I guess its just the 20something girl who grew up in SoCal vibe that we both give off - although i must say, i do see myself in my new friend - yes - she is a younger, cuter version of the way i see myself- but i respect her wit and thoroughly have enjoyed our time practicing yoga and laying out on the beautiful beach here.
She was pretty dead set on being best friends with Terry, our resident magician (she had pre-conceived dreams of pulling scarves from her mouth as his assistant) but it's been nice to have a tanorexic buddy to soak in the sun and read while everyone else surfs.
Last but not least is Jack Frey, the awesome 14 year old who legitimately was a rubik's cube champion.
Yea... that means not only did he solve that thing once - he can do it on command and fast.
He's currently coaching me. It makes my brain hurt.

Being around this close knit family has of course made me miss mine and think about them all the time.

My sister Lara is getting married at the end of August and I am going home for it... and actually, believe it or not... STAYING home. roots are going down in to the earth.
whoa.

I remember right where i was when i got the call - standing on the rocks at Lennox Head, East Australia. Tawney, Holly and her pregnant girlfriend who's name i can't remember - were all about to get into the ocean when my Aussie cell phone rang and it was my family telling me that Lara was getting married!

I knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon and to be honest i was totally selfishly deflated and frustrated that i would have to come all the way home for it... When i left for Australia on March 1st, I wanted to be on the road for a year... I wanted to arrive in Indo and not have a plan like i did last year - and i wanted to see where the wind took me.

Before i even got to Indo and the wind was flying me back home.

My dad told me over the Aussie phone that he would fly me home for the wedding and then back out to Indonesia or wherever i was at that time. This alleviated my selfish stress and allowed me to be happy for my sister and then started getting really really excited about the wedding.

As you may know, I had a pretty heavy time not long after arriving in the Telos Islands in Indo... I came down with malaria while massaging Clay Marzo, an amazing surfer who was staying at the resort while Surfing Magazine did a big shoot and made a movie of the boys that were there.

During moments of lucidity while i was fevering and chattering, writhing around in pain, getting rubbed down with car oil, red onion and salt by a local traditional medicine woman and getting injections of mystery red fluids into my hips -- I found myself thinking about the children in the world who are suffering and dying daily from this disease without access to medicine... and it was just this catalyst that i definitively decided to study medicine - put myself into school and just plant the roots down and make it happen.
(a MAJOR decision for a vagabond, wandering love ninja)

So all of a sudden that quick trip home to watch Lara wed Rob became the thing that was bringing me home for real. No return ticket.

My dad booked my flight 2 days ago and I officially leave Indonesia July 4th.
My bags are still up in the Telos which is stressing me out a little but i have made a request to all my friends who run charter boats to please oh please help me getting them back to Padang.

Last night our friend Erik, who is the capitan of the Indies 4 and fully has a pet green parrot that sits on his shoulder while he sails the high seas... real.
Ya... anyways, he came to the island with his guests who were all doctors and one happened to live in my hometown, Pacfic Palisades - which is such a trip!
Two of the guys were anesthesiologists and I ended up talking to them for a really long time about my goals moving forward and medicine and all these things that made me so excited, i stayed up until midnight (basically an all nighter in island terms) -- sitting on the helicopter landing pad on the roof of their boat having constellations pointed out to us with high powered green laser pointers, and then having a little guitar time. (Erik played piano man with a guitar and a harmonica between his knees which RULED)... He said he might be able to help get my bags... I am hoping to have everyone on the case so i can get my shiznit back safe.

This morning i woke up and was practicing yoga in the Uma all by myself, which is a first since the Frey's have been here. All of them are into yoga and i have been teaching usually twice a day... a power yoga session for Leona and I and then a restorative, broga yoga sesh for the boys after they surf which is the best!

They had all gone to the beach today and i was in the driftwood castle alone rocking out to S. Carey (Sean from Bon Iver's solo project) which is now my Go-To yoga tunes...
when it occurred to me that i should apply to nursing school in Hawaii!
Although I have never been there, which is ridiculous when you consider how much i have traveled and how much i love and am positive that i belong in the tropics...
But never-the-less... i decided that maybe after i do this year at San Diego getting my pre-requisites in order, i should move to Hawaii and do my course there...

Another thing that has been playing in my mind and i am for some reason entertaining the thought of actually going to medical school and maybe even becoming a doctor.
It's just SO much more work, and im not sure if i can really commit to being in school for that long.
We will have to see what happens after this first year in San Diego.

SO the countdown in on - 3 weeks and i am going home.

Bitter sweet to say the least.
I am devastated to be leaving my Mentawai Island community that i love so much - this island, John, Ainz, Yona & Beaker...
Although in my heart i know that i will be back one day, my rational brain doesn't see how that could be possible in the near future being that my credit card declined last week trying to book my ticket home.
It seems i hit 15 thousand - my max limit on the trusty old Virgin Atlantic Amex.

But as Ainz said to me today - life is weird and long and who knows what will happen.

On the bright side, I get to go see my amazing family,  start this journey that will eventually enable me to be of service to humanity in a big way, cuddle with Rosie the cutest dog of all time, and be a part of my older sister's wedding!! All of those things rule and are coming soon.

Separating Skies

 11 Jun 2012

You know when the clouds look like this?

It's like the clouds in the sky have been separated... Pulled apart by the fibers that usually hold together these fluffy balls of whatever they are... Water I guess.
That makes sense scientifically and symbolically too... Perpetually surrounded by water, we are. Well... I am.

I was talking last night about how much I love being onboard boats. I never get sea sick and feel so lulled and comforted by the swaying dancing seas.
I realized my mother is a dancer and was probably swaying and dancing around during the whole 9 months I spent in a sac of sacred ocean water-like fluid in her belly - my mother the vessel- just like a ship or sea vessel heaving and swaying with the tides.

My mom and dad love Robinson Jeffers- a poet from Carmel, the foggy seaside Northern California town I was born in.
They always had a piece of driftwood in their garden with the Jeffer's poem line "The Tides are in our veins" written on it in charcoal.

I cant tell you How often I repeat that line.

Right now I'm sitting - well more reclined then sitting but more upright then lying down- I'm slouched island-style with my feet up on a beautiful wooden bench that looks out between twin palm trees at the dazzling 4 oclock ocean that burns ainsley's eyes but she grins and bears it to surf the waves that peel along her reef while blinding white sunlight bounces off the glassy water and all but blinds her.
I'm propped up on one of her throw pillows looking at these clouds.

Last season she and johnE had 4 awesome hawaiian chicks come and stay- one was their goddaughter and the other 3 were her surfer girl buddies. One night I slept in the giant tent on a platform where bungalow 4 now stands a year later.
I am sleeping on the floor in the half finished living room of bungalow 4- the same place I slept with the hawaiian chicas.

During that week or so that the girls visited, we went down to the beach break which takes roughly an hour by boat to get to. A beautiful sandy beach without a single footprint or sign that humans even know it's there.
The white sand

I sat up at the bow of the sampan canoe we took out there baking in the sun as the wind whipped through my crackling, sun bleached hair.
The clouds were pulled at the seams that afternoon.
I don't know why exactly I remember that - a moment from almost a whole year ago- yet I can't remember important big things- like how to add and subtract.
I remember I started writing a piece in my head that boat ride but I really can't remember if I actually did or not when we got home to Togat Nusa Retreat.

I remember trying to figure out what it looked like -these clouds - like milk separation before it curdles, or a really bumpy icy patch you want to avoid when you're snowboarding. Or the way really nice buttery wood curls up when you whack it well with a chisel and hammer like I've been doing building my wooden Buddha the last few weeks.

On that canoe a year ago, it occurred to me that the clouds looked like this my last day in Venice - sometime in February of last year. I remember because it was one of the last pictures on my iphone that i looked at while i was taking off towards singpore by way of hong kong.
I was sitting on that flight so unsure of what the next few months would hold for me and was clinging to a life i loved and was scared to let go of behind me.
A life where i rode my beach cruiser down Abbot Kinney under separated skies and knew i was making a big separation by leaving the tribe i was a part of there in Venice.


On that canoe with JohnE and the Hawaiian girls, i started missing home a lot- I'd been gone for about 4 months.
Now its been a year and 4 months.
I visited Venice when i came home but my heart knew I wasn't done on the global journey yet and nothing was the same.. I certainly wasn't the same.
And i felt that there were still more crackling clouds to watch and adventures to be had abroad. I wasn't done on the adventure yet.

I tried to book my flight home yesterday and my card declined.

Thinking it was somehow some force telling me I shouldn't leave so soon - I quickly realized that it was more of a sign that I spent 15,000 dollars and maxed out my Amex pretending I was Carmen San Diego and traveling the world.

Since I left last year my travel destinations have been this:
San Francisco
Hong Kong
Singapore
Batam
Padang
Mentawais
Padang
Bukittingi
Lake meningjau
Padang
Mentawai
Padang
Jakarta
Bali
Jakarta
Padang
Mentawai
Padang
Telos
Mentawai
Padang
Kuala lumpur
Bangkok
Koh Tao
Koh Phangang
Bangkok
Phuket
Bali
Phuket
Koh Phi Phi
Krabi
Bangkok
Kuala lumpur
Padang
Mentawai
Padang
Mentawai
Padang
Jakarta
Padang
Mentawai
Padang
Kuala lumpur
Delhi
Ladakh
Jammu
Dharamshala
Amritsar
Varanasi
Rhishikesh
Delhi
London
Cheltenham
London
San Francisco
San Diego
LA
San Diego
San Fran
Carmel
LA
San Diego
Santa barbara
San diego
San Fran
San Diego
LA
Sydney
Melbourne
Sydney
Brisbane
Brunswick Head
Byron bay
Brisbane
Lennox head
Byron bay
Gold coast
Byron bay
Angourie
Nambucca head
Crescent head
Sydney
Kuala lumpur
Padang
Telos
Padang
Bukit Lawang
Padang
Mentawai

And here I am.
15 thousand bucks later... Still itching to see the world... Africa & South America are next...

Well. That's not true. San Diego is next, clawing my way out of debt, enrolling in school, and becoming a nurse. That's what is immediately next.


Then I will take the traveling nurse show on the road probably.
I know i will figure it out and pull back into society (for a while anyways).
I am lucky to have such an awesome loving and supportive family who will love me even though i am poor and debt ridden with sun-beaten skin and a dormant malaria parasite in my liver.

Would I do it all again?

Hell yes.

I would rather spend the rest of my life paying off this debt then spent my whole life waiting to do it tomorrow.

We never know if there's gonna be a tomorrow anyways...
All the more reason for me to drink in these separating skies today, right?

Releasing the Buddha & the Wind reprise.

The north winds blew in yesterday...

These particular winds torture this island and most of the Mentawai chain. The waves get blown out and it causes a grey, windy, stormy atmosphere that seems to never let up.

in 2010, these same North Winds blew in the day I was leaving for Bali, and apparently they didn't stop all season. Ainsley said she surfed something like 6 times the entire season.

When the winds blow like this, the Indos get sick and say its "Masuk Angin" meaning the wind got inside of you… they bundle up and try to avoid the wind.

I personally love the wind - i wrote a piece about this last year when i was leaving the islands to head to India. - check it - http://aloveninja.blogspot.com/2011/09/wind.html

But even though i like Wind in general, I can see why this wind sucks around here but it's even worse if you're on a boat.

The winds came in around late afternoon when the sun was hitting that angle that makes everything orange and gorgeous… I had taken a break from my wood carving project I've been doing out the back and was entertaining a group of California dudes from the "Bintang" charter boat who had stopped into the bar for the afternoon.

The night before I bartended and hung out with another group of Californians in for the night from Indies Trader 3.

I have definitively decided that i really really like people from California! 

This is convenient since there are four of us living here at Togat Nusa right now.

The Bintang - which means "star" in Bahasa Indonesia but is much better known as the Indo beer that comes in a green bottle with a big red star on it… and also the name of the boat my friend Huntster surf guides on - was docked in the back. (here i refer to the boat, not a bottle of beer or a star that happened to be anchored in the channel behind the island)

The waves weren't really doing much, so the boys came onto the island to wander around holding bintang beers with the usual jaws hanging open at the beauty of John & Ainsley's kingdom. This is standard.

I love giving tours and explaining how this magical place came to be as I walk the string of little board short clad ducklings through retreat - weaving in and out of the bungalows and explaining how everything is recycled from driftwood found on the beach.

Yona said that this is the island of "keajaiban" - which means miracles... It's totally true and doesn't take a psychic to pick up on it when you arrive on this land.

I have been carving my Buddha sculpture out of a driftwood log that washed up on the beach, and thinking a lot about the life of the wood which is now taking shape as the fat Buddha, as my hands grow more and more calloused and blistered and my right shoulder aches in the most awesome way from hammering away at the log.

I keep on thinking about how this log was once a sapling… it grew in a forest which was probably nearby and had a long life as a tree, rooted in the earth… a home for monkeys and birds and bugs of all sorts, I'm sure… and then one day the tree died or was killed and it fell into a watery grave and drifted around the turquoise waters of the Indian Ocean for who knows how long, until it rolled up onto the beaches of Pitojet Island, pushed to the dry sand by ebbing and flowing tides until one day JohnE saw it washed up and thought  to himself that there was something inside that log… He saw some potential art piece or structure material - so he carried it to his pile of driftwood that sits behind Bungalow 4 where it lived until a few days ago when he walked back there with me and we decided that it was the right piece to use for my first wood carving project… There was a Buddha living inside that tree for its entire life… and now I am releasing it.

In my time at Tushita - the Buddhist Meditation retreat I spent time at last year in Dharamshala, India… I learned about "Buddha Nature"… the idea that there exists within each of us a Buddha - like this piece of driftwood that was hard and gnarled and had rotting bark chipping off the outside…

There was a Buddha inside all along…

And we, as humans are like this too… It's just about chipping away at the Samsara - releasing the old negative destructive thoughts we fall into lifetime after lifetime  that cause us to build up plaque like the rotting bark around the outside of us…

I love this thought.

Across the horizon I saw the black and white boat I spent the end of last season on with Shayne, the South African pirate who took me captive last year and has been doing a good job of captivating me again as of late.

He arrived with a few guests off his boat, but was clearly just coming to see me (and to get me to sew his diving wetsuit)…

After excitedly showing him my Buddha - which after day 1 still looked like a log to the naked eye - we came to the bungalow that Ainz is letting me stay in while there are no guests to chat and catch up on the week or so since we've seen each other. (Out here in the islands, a lot can happen in a short time - and absolutely nothing can happen in a long time)… It felt like a lifetime had gone by since his boat had stopped by the island for the night at the end of his last charter and now, which is now about 5 days into a new charter and a 3 day Padang stay in between.

Just as we were talking about the thing we are most passionate about these days  - the Gerson Therapy, juicing, alternative cancer therapies and our dream to create a self-sustaining, eco wellness clinic/detox center one day - his deckhand came to find us and let Shayne know that the winds were picking up and the boat couldn't stay anchored in the channel anymore.

We had to quickly say goodbye, and moments later the island cleared out and we saw Bintang and Kaimana motoring towards shelter where they would sleep for the night and leave early in the morning to find a wave that isn't destroyed by these winds.

I could barely sleep that night. The winds howled and beat against the glass windows, unlatching one and knocking it open. Rain exploded from the black clouds on a diagonal angle, making sure to soak anything and everything left outside.

My mind spun circles and all I could think about was the Buddha inside the wood, aching to come out.

It was actually kind of funny how fixated on it i was - i felt like Rainman.

The next day all I did was work on the Buddha until the mother of all storms came through and pushed us all inside with the blinds drawn. (I still managed to climb out onto the back patio and shape the belly a little more before it got too dark.)

At dinner, I was talking to Terrance,  the new surf guide who just arrived with his own juicer in tow - he's a very successful magician in Bali (i KNOW! how cool is that!??!?!)… and super into health and wellness. We started talking about alternative cancer therapies and Terrance's eyes lit up… He started telling us about Sirsak (Sour Sop) - a fruit that grows out here and we eat all the time..

Well - apparently making a tea from the leaves has cured cancer in many many trials.

Of course, since this is all Shayne and I talk about - i got super excited to hear about this.

And whats even more crazy is that last night after dinner, Ainsley's friend had posted this article online about the results of eating Soup Sop as a cancer remedy. - https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=230576347048037&set=a.107253652713641.8663.106873162751690&type=1&theater

CRAZY coincidence and fascinating info about how Sour Sop is 10000 times stronger then chemo and doesnt kill your other cells!

Once again I tossed and turned and could barely fall asleep while my mind spun circles about getting my nursing degree and learning about alternative therapies at the same time… Taking a stand against the blood money from pharmaceutical companies and learning about it, but never participating to make money from it.

How is it that we have gotten to a point where money is more important then helping to save your brothers and sisters on this planet?

How have scientists hidden this information while trying to make a synthetic version they could sell for millions and letting millions of people die painful deaths from the disease they have no interest in curing - but rather profiting from?

Yuck.

I woke up this morning and although I wanted to run out and get started on the Buddha I committed to giving myself a nice long yoga class, which is certainly was… long and nice.

I practiced for 2 hours and sat in meditation for a solid 20 minutes while Jo-Jo the dog sat in front of me and stared at me.

I started inhaling and saying the world "receive"

and exhaling as i said the word "release"

receive.

release.

receive.

release.

receive.

release.

then i broke down the word i was mantra-ing in my head and took away the "re"

sieve.

lease.

sieve.

lease.

I thought about a sieve - a strainer - and how as i inhaled, i would only let the good stuff through and into me.

I would filter out the garbage that was trying to infiltrate my energy… I would receive through a sieve.

Then I thought about releasing  - i thought about how on the exhale I often visualize myself sending my abundant light to people who need it… But then i thought about how recently someone in my life mentioned to me that he felt like I gave my energy away too readily- that people ended up (intentionally or not) stealing my light from me when i let them hold it and share it.

So i thought of leasing it…

Lease.

I could let people use my light but i would hold it and therefore I would always get it back.

This might sound a little crazy, so just ignore it if it makes no sense to you… I thought it was pretty cool.

Anyways - day 3 and the winds are still blowing fiercely. It looks like it will be staying this way for a while so I am glad I have a project.

This is where I am at after three days of work and two nights of thinking about it.