round two of a love ninja goes global.
fade to black. slow fade in to a train.
I mean... guess I could start anywhere. I could really determine any point along the path as the official start of round 2…
but i am calling it today…
now.
Here on the northbound Amtrak from San Diego to Los Angeles, i sit by the window and my eyes kiss goodbye this coastline that i won't see for a while…
My bags that will be with me for the next chunk of time… maybe 6 months… maybe a year or more… are stacked on the shelf at the top of the stairs behind me.
I am leaving again.
Last night my parents had their monthly Opera Party in their Cardiff Beach house.
We all dressed up.
The crew of eccentric neighbors that have been hand picked by my parents arrived in hats, ties and glittery dresses carrying wine, hors devours and a selected opera aria to play and then have my father explain the story and tell personal stories about the piece itself and the featured singer.
One guest, an 85 year old woman in a floor length glittery gown walked in with escargot in her hands and a sparkle in her eye. (I of course chose to ignore the dead snails and look into the sparkle.)
She had danced with the River Dance guy and had an exciting life of travel and adventure. Her husband, who she had been married to for 60 years, was the joke teller of the evening and ended up leaving early since he was on chemotherapy. (something i had NO clue about until they gracefully announced that they would be leaving early.)
Before she left, she looked deep into my eyes with her own and assured me that i was making the right choice.
I was young and single… regardless of whether or not I really had the money to be doing it… i had the time. I had this amazing opportunity and i had to seize the day.
I would never regret this.
My fingers nervously wrapped around one another as i stood there taking it in and believing what she said to be true, but knowing that i would go back to questioning it soon… wondering how i could hold on to this assurance and wondering why i couldn't find it on my own when i would spin into the fear of what ifs…
But i have made the first step (again)… and packed my life into a backpack, a suitcase, and a duffle bag… stacked it on my person, kissed my mother's wet, salty cheek and promised her she would see me again. Then I turned and walked into the train station to buy my one way ticket to LA.
In about 72 hours I would be on a plane to Sydney.
I have NO clue what Australia holds for me.
It has never really called to me before… not like India or Peru (where I still have yet to go).
I guess because i spent so many years in England, I just feel like I know what its like to live in an English speaking foreign country. But I know that Australia will probably slap me upside the head, as most places do.
I get more excited about places then i do about people… and i am a people LOVER.
Sometimes i look around at my friends and fellow Americans i just cannot gather or understand for one MOMENT why they don't travel…. but then i guess i have to ask myself why exactly it is that I travel.
It is certainly a roller coaster of emotion and sensation, I know that. It is intense in almost every way.
I guess I just really enjoy intensity.
For instance, two days ago i boxed up everything I wasn't taking with me, to store at my mom and dad's house.
Again, it was a foggy, dramatic day like today.
I listened to Sigur Rós, an Icelandic band as i gingerly folded my treasures and beloved belongings into Artichoke and Red Wine boxes. (an appropriate home for my California life, i felt.)
It felt like a super collision explosion of poetic emotion.
I threw out many many things, as I always do when i move, or leave to go away for a while… and really cherished the few things i realized i wanted to hold on to, tucking them into the two buck chuck wine boxes after wrapping my hands around them one last time, trusting they would be safe in the attic until i returned.
I think this is what we do when we travel too…
We shed layers of ourselves.
We let go of the way we used to view ourselves… the way we have held ourselves together… and release the things that no longer serve us.
We consciously choose what should remain - the parts of us that are most important. We cherish them and find gratitude.
Traveling has taught me to be more minimalistic, adaptable, and okay with discomfort.
I feel I am more accepting and much more self-reliant then I was a year ago.
But still… I feel the swarm of butterflies in my stomach and the well of emotion buckling under my ribcage and I am scared.
Yes… even brave gypsy love ninjas get scared about leaving.
We passed San Juan Capistrano and i spent a few moments breathing in the beauty of this place. Orange groves and the fields that inspired George Balachine to choreograph Serenade, a ballet I was lucky enough to be in years ago.
Wow… lifetimes ago when i really think about it.
Patricia Neary, Balanchine's ex-wife set it on me and 16 other girls, including Jessica my best friend of almost 20 years.
I texted her moments ago from the train "tell me i can do this."
I wish i didn't need so much reassurance all the time.
I wish I could just tell myself that i can do it.
"you got this." Jessica replied.
Half of me says "duh. you know you got it. you're fine. look at you!"
and the other screams "LIAR!" and secretly aches to hear more.
This reminds me of the poem i wrote called "comfort junkie"
'a hand to stroke my head… a voice to tell me the words that i already know… that i already said'
i am a comfort junkie… its true.
Maybe I can dedicate this next leg of my life… this next international adventure to kicking that out of my life.
AS I said earlier here, i am more accepting and self-reliant then i was before… though clearly still not totally there.
_____________
I arrived at Union Station and unable (unwilling) to find someone to come all the way downtown to pick me up i decided to take the bus, even though it takes an unbelievably long time... but really? where did i need to be?
Right there... on the busstop at Ceaser Chavez and Vignes in Downtown LA.
I sat right down next to a heavyset black man who I later found out was named Jimmie and fell into an incredible impromptu conversation about meditation and connecting to the divine source.
He referred to prayer and Jesus whereas i translated into my own interpretation using meditation and connection to universal energy.
2 sides of the same coin if you ask me.
He talked about watering his relationship with the Lord every day and watching it grow and provide.... and i of course reflected on watering and caring for the relationship with my own mind or soul. Nurturing my connection with divinity through yoga and meditation.
I had forgotten to meditate when i woke up... immediately caught in the onslaught of thoughts and emotions about leaving.
How could i leave out the most important part of the day?
I guess we always do that right?
Forget the most important things.
Maybe that's why we keep coming back into these bodies... Maybe that's the whole reason there is a round 2 for me right now.
What did i not remember from the last time i went mermaid gypsy?
I think that is what this year will be about...
Remembering and locking in these things that i know and somehow forget over and over again.
_________________________
I took a jacuzzi at Tawney's house with our other Goddess girlfriend Hannah Leess, who is a killer musician and inspirational soul.
I cried to the girls.
I shared what was tormenting me and was honest about how hard i have been on myself lately.
Tawney took the proverbial bag of chips from me as i was binge eating them.
We are cleansing - so there were not really any chips... what i mean by that is that she closed the book on my story i was wrapped up in and feverishly writing and re-reading to myself.
She reminded me that i needed to let go of the story... because it could be (and most likely is) totally different through other people's eyes.
What i see is not what everyone else sees... and i am reminded of that not to discredit the way i feel, but rather to remind me that we are all just perceiving this existence and writing a story about it. And that's all fine and good... but at the end of the day there is much much more to life then the bag of chips we know we shouldn't devour but can't stop until someone comes and takes them away.
I got suddenly sick and ended up throwing up all night.
I think i stayed in the hot tub too long and had gotten a migraine from dehydration... or maybe i just needed to purge out the monster bag of chips i had been eating, beating myself up over it as i did it...
I needed to let go of the story and remember to be still.
To connect to the ground underneath me and connect to source above me.
And just be... and remember to remember.
It definitely pulled me back to earth and allowed me to spend the morning in my Aunt Lauren's guesthouse meditating and getting calm all morning.
Round Two... NOW i am ready....
i think.
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