Oh my god.
For one full year I have been living out of a suitcase. I've used the occasional shelf in a shared closet or hotel, but this was something else.
My drawers.
A bedroom that was allocated to me with clean beautiful linens and lamps.
'Zani's room' in my parents new San Diego house.
I was HOME home... although I historically call everywhere "home" and tend to abide by the Edward Sharp and Magnetic Zeros mantra and lyrics from my own song which essentially say that home is wherever you decide it is. I am a big believer that reality is what you make it...
Though here I am in San Diego, California with my clothes inside drawers, having a surprisingly difficult time adjusting.
A "rocky re-entry" as I explained to Aaron in a text this evening.
I guess I am making this hard for some reason.
I left India almost 2 weeks ago with stops in England and San Francisco on my way here to San Diego for Christmas.
The customs officer in San Fran looked over my immigration form and whistled. "Whoa. That's quite a world trip you've been on" reading over my list of seven countries I'd visited on my trip prior to entering the US.
I stepped out into the crisp California air and was reunited with my travel companion, Baba Aaron... I felt so happy to see him and his beautiful wife Amber and excited to get to spend a few days in the city that inspired the Mowgli's theme song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkjLejHz0DM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
San Francisco
I spent two glorious days between the murralled alleyways of the mission district, experiencing San Fran with virgin eyes. Thrift stores, street art and bohemian chic cafes everywhere you look.
My friends Laura and Jeremy took me to Cafe Gratitude- a beautiful eatery with $12 Eco salads with names like "I am Grateful"
I got a poor people bowl. It's this organic deliciousness sold by donation for the gypsies and hippies like me... For the people who translate the menu prices in to Indian rupees and get heart palpitations and break in to a cold sweat at the realization of their poverty.
I'll stick with water... Tap.
Laura told me that SF is the most expensive city in America. It flip flops back and forth with New York.
I feel slightly stunned and kind of appalled by it all.
I pulled a card off the table that just said
"what question is your life about answering?"
I like thinking about the question that is my answer to that question.
Points to ponder as I drifted around taco trucks and fat balding men in tennis shoes... hookers and street performers... A guy on bended knee making Christmas wreaths by hand among the buzz of cable buses and the smell of urine and thrift stores... Ahh the mission...
I passed a girl on a street corner who was balancing on a ball wearing a red party gown while playing accordion and a multicolor spinny hat, I felt less strange then I thought I would. My silky longcrotch Indian pants seemed to fit right in.
We stumbled into a cute thrift store called gems & jetsam.
jetsam is what you throw overboard off a boat and what I felt like floating around this city. As laura rang up her earrings i watched them use an iPad for their clerk-stand and I almost lost my mind at how fancy that was.
Laura laughed and said "a lot has changed in a year, Zani"
I was late to meet jeremy for Bikram yoga class - I marched through the hood down mission street - my mouth watered at cantinas and taquerias. I forgot about how strong the mexican influence here was.
The class was ironically and interestingly taught entirely in Spanish. It was actually incredible- i had no judgement and found total focus. It felt so so good to sweat and move my stiffened travel weary body around.
That night I went to an amazing house party at Aaron & Amber's and met a tribe of San Fran love beings... My kind of people.
I felt like I was gonna be okay back in America.
I felt comfortable even though I was tired and doing my best to stay focused and engaged in conversations at times.
Next thing I knew I was on a san diego bound plane beside a perfectly put together blonde girl with a leather jacket and pearl stud earrings. I instantly felt the vibe of where I would be landing.
Whoa.
My parents and little sister picked me up at SD International with their little fluff ball puppy and took me home to gin and tonics and excited unpacking and present passing out.... Singing with my sister... Dancing around retelling stories and showing treasures I acquired on my journeys.
I woke up the next morning to an email from a fireman and looked out the window to see a huge house fire a block up from my parents house... tons of sirens engines blowing by the house.
It had been 9 years since our last fire.
Eerie.
My environmental activist sister had us all watch a movie called "Food, inc." which blew my mind.
Please watch this.
A few days were spent doing nothing basically. Surrounded by expensive cars, rich neighborhoods... Things started getting harder and harder. I saw people having freak outs over the silliest things. I saw every single person at a red light angrily pull out phones and start texting as though they couldn't have one moment without something to do. No stillness... No smiles...
Suddenly i was getting freaked out. Suddenly i felt like a freak freaking out....
Suddenly being a vegan is weird, my clothes are weird, my style is bizarre. I feel like a mermaid without an ocean even though I stare out at the pacific every day.
I definitively, righteously, and somewhat suicidally decided not to participate in this society... I decided to protest having a car, until I got tossed the keys to one... I decided to protest getting an cell phone until the solstice fairy (my mom in a red hooded cape) handed me a new iPhone with a paid plan.
I mean... I can talk to my phone and she talks back! She has a name!! I freaking love this thing! It's amazing.
Today I woke up at 6am, practiced yoga and sat in the living room with my dad talking for a few hours, further unscrambling my current disconnected sadness and making plans for my future.
I have a vision... A beacon...
I want to be a nurse.
A palm reader in India affirmed this for me last month.
I know I can make a difference in the world in so many ways and everything is guiding me to do it... Now I just have to work out logistics.
I accompanied my dad to Trader Joe's, arguably the best grocery store in this part of the world.
We walked the aisles talking to each other and of course to strangers. I've watched my dad love strangers my entire life...
He made a red headed woman blush and touch her heart, flattered by a compliment my dad gave her. I know he made her day.
Later on, in the checkout line, he started talking to a lady in the adjacent line about religion.
"ya know," he said to this woman as our Christmas champagne was rung up "it's not about how much you go to church. It doesn't matter how many rosaries you do. If there is a day of judgement at the end of all this, I believe the only thing that will be asked is 'did you love your fellow man?'"
I thought that was so cool.
We walked back out to his jeep, our arms full of groceries. I commended him on his ability to love everyone. His way he can make friends and make people feel special.
"I honestly believe I could have gotten along with Sadam Hussein." he said merrily.
I don't doubt it.
This is one reason why I really love to be home. I come from this amazing inspiring family...
(one tick mark for the love side)
We continued on our errands to another store. I made note at an intersection red light how every single person seems to have to entertain themselves as soon as they stop. They pick up phones or change the radio, get out a new CD, pull down the mirror and start inspecting themselves... From the time they wake up to time they sleep its GO time.
I know i used to be like this.
We never stop and just sit with the nothingness, breathe and just be still.
Everything is so so so rush rush rush. But WHERE are we going?
There is no such thing as late or early or "needing to be somewhere."
You already are there.
You're THERE!
It boggled my mind.
A clerk said "hey sweetie. Careful. Floor's slick."
Sweetie? That's sweet. I actually kind of appreciate the saccharine overly sweet communication here.
I looked around at every person with their own carrying bags as to avoid using plastic. I appreciated those efforts too.
Then i found myself trying to avert my eyes in the meat section (which always has made me vom) ... I stood in the aisle and just stared at the package in front of me.
"Injectable Butter"
First I laughed then my forehead furrowed and finally as I was shaking my head in disbelief I heard my dad down the meat aisle talking animatedly to a very old Yugoslavian man who could hardly believe that he could speak a few phrases in his native language. It was such a cute exchange.
We passed aisle after aisle of expensive excess... Shit we don't need but say over and over again "I need this."
Stores are tough for me.
Seeing unbelievable waste and consumerism is pretty heart wrenching after living in third world Asia for nearly a year.
Later on i was walking down to buy my sister and mom $5 soy chai lattes at coffee bean while they waited in a line of 30 people to buy a gift.
I passed a store called Z gallery. There was a line to get in. A red velvet rope holding back the crowds. Everyone was waiting to buy buy buy.
"at least theyre not shooting people again like they did on black friday" my mom said as I returned and produced their drinks.
I cried a lot today.
I am figuring out how to go about getting this degree and still being able to travel and be free... I have gypsy blood that can't run cold or I am scared a piece of me will die somehow.
How do I exist in a country that I have such a love/hate... Soothing/skin crawling... Experience with?
To be continued...
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