to BE about it.

get it or get over it.

what an adventure i have been on...

this life.



last night i sat at the Pondok Pitaya restaurant at the end of the Balian road with Jen (my hostess and super Goddess inspiration right now) and my friend Russell from LA.

Russell and I grew up in the same town but weren't really friends until he moved into a house with my best friend Cary in college up in Berkeley. I used to visit her monthly so we would hang out and party. Now he lives in New York (again, near Cary who i visit as much as i can).... He has been traveling around India and Nepal for the last three months and has come to Indonesia for a month solely to surf. He arrived on Bali three days ago and called me and i told him not to think... just to come North to Balian, so he arrived that night just in time for a Balian sunset...

a game of soccer on the black sand beaches with some local kids....
and a Gado-Gado with Jen & Yuko.

Yuko left yesterday afternoon as she had a baby doctor appointment back in Seminyak. So bummed to see her go. I love spending time with her, but i will see her back in Seminyak and we are hatching a plan to make a girls boat trip at the end of the season with Ainz and all the other chicks of the Mentawais. Yuko will probably have her baby by then too which is very exciting!

Yesterday, i woke up at sunrise and practiced some yoga on the black stone floor of Jen's house as Yuko and Russell started to shuffle around waking up too.


I have fallen into a new routine of breathwork and Kundalini-esque yoga right when i wake up. My knee is still very sore from the Sea Urchin incident. It seems to get frozen and sticks when it is bent.

Ironically (or of course... not at all)... Russell wears a knee brace and is nursing a knee injury from his Nepalese trek right now. Always - with the reflection connections in my life showing me time and time again that we are reflecting everyone and everything at all times.

Russell got in the water straight away for an AM surf, and i opted to wait until it got a little smaller and less intimidating and went for a long Goddess walk with Yuko and Jen. We made our way up some hills, across some rice patties, past some waterfalls and epic spirit chilling temples and cows (which are sacred here - and YES they are)... and to another secret black sand beach.


The black sand is so beautiful... its like Onyx and Diamond powder... And something about the fact that it comes from a volcano really excites me and makes me feel like its so good to walk on it.

Finally at the end of a completely untouched stretch of beach, there was a little Indo beach resort with an infinity pool and a bar/restaurant - but no guests staying there... so we swam laps in the pool and ordered coffees and smoothies and then lay out in the sun before walking back to Jen's castle.


We talked and talked for hours about relationships and life and plans for the future and intention setting... and it was so good for me to remember so many things... like WHAT i ideally want.

Then i got in the water and found myself doing what i have been doing for the last ten years... since the first time i was ever taught to surf... and every time i have surfed since then. Avoiding the waves rather then catching them.

WTF!? for someone that talks about living fearlessly so much, i certainly am a hypocrite when it comes to surfing. Something in me has a block on paddling into waves, and i continually find myself safely in the channel... away from 'danger', but also away from what i want to be doing.
I'm not even afraid of getting hurt. (My feet and legs will be testament to that)

But i kept hearing Jen's words echoing through my head out there... I kept visualizing her castle here in Balian and the way Russell came here... always always it's don't THINK about it... BE about it.

And so i got infused with that and started paddling into big waves that look like giant mammoth things when you're out there... and recognizing that i wasn't going to die or hurt any of the other surfers... and what the fuck am i waiting for? i live in INDO.

this of course is symbolic of where i am in my life right now. It's so much easier to stand still then to do... to run... to try even when you are in the perfect situation and opportunities are presented to you... it's easier to close our eyes and pretend not to see them and certainly takes a lot of bravery to be brave.

I was able to step out of my stagnant marriage, although i am yet to paddle into a wave and allow myself to be in a real relationship again... but i trust that this is why i am here in Balian.

I think maybe the spirits brought me here to remind me of what i want and that i can manifest and create anything. But the broken record of negative self deprecating thoughts has to turn off and i have to sack up and get it or get over it.

My brain and i have been having some very interesting talks about that in the lineup. i'm sure i must look schitzophrenic, having full conversations with myself... having my big AH-HA moments when i can draw parallels in my life from the present moment... SO much symbolism between surfing and spirit.

After a significant amount of sun for the day, my skin started tapping me on the shoulder and clearing its throat and telling me it was time to call it a day - so i stashed the board behind the Pondok Pitaya and promptly ordered a cocobu... coconut with malibu rum.
maaaaaybe the best post-surf drink in history. it's hydrating AND it tastes the way sun tan oil and sexwax seem like they should taste...

it's amazing.

i met a bunch of Brazilian guys who i had been out in the water with and were staying in one of the little pondoks on the beach together. We ended up all talking for a long time... Russell used to live in Brazil when he was abroad in college and my mom was born in Rio, so somehow i felt an interconnectedness. Also - one of them lives in Sydney and i immediately thought of my friend Aussie Mike who lives down there and i keep thinking i really want to see. In that exact moment where i drifted off from the convo with the Brazilian Sydney transplant surfer guy and started daydreaming about hanging out with Mike, my i-think beep beeped and it was a facebook comment from Mike with just a <3 heart.
duh.
just the typical synchronectar that happens when i am connected to people.

Things got a little metaphysical at that table, and then once more at dinner when it was just Jen, Russell and I.

Our conversation started with "what IS a mirror?" and then turned to the topic of our eyeballs... and then to what color is... and to how we perceive color and how we perceive all... to which i went off on my "this is what i see" world/ether/life/death/tranformation paradigm overview... which is quite a lot to take in when i start rambling it off (especially when i have a pitcher of Sangria in front of me).

But i have to say, I loved having Russell there to play devil's advocate and challenge my beliefs (in a very non-confrentational loving but intelligent way.) I love having deep intellectual, psycho-spiritual conversations about THE ALL.

It's just like when i teach yoga or when i write and the words just kind of flow out of me... and i am so instantly amazed by what i just said... because i recognize that these thoughts are in me and that i am a conduit and i can share this magic... maybe encouraging others to wake up and seek their own truth. I say SPEAK. use as many words as you want... even if nobody hears you.

Khalil Gibran says "Half of what i say is meaningless, but i say it so the other half may reach you."

Before we all called it a night, I asked Russell what India was for him, as i am getting excited to venture there myself with my friend Aaron... and Russell basically said this:

"it was a reminder."

i thought this was such a beautiful answer... and although we talked at length and he told me much more then just that, it seems that was his thesis.

I have booked myself in next week to the Ghandi Ashram in Candidesa (chan-dee-does-uh), Bali. I will be staying at the Ashram and taking part in the daily happenings which include dawn pujas, lectures/dialogues, yoga classes, and meals.
The mission statement of the ashram is to
"to translate Gandhian ideals of living into action and to promote a life of simplicity (which also implies sustainability and care for our environment), self-sufficiency and service to the community."
basically... don't talk about it... BE about it."

i am infused with this reminder here in Balian spending time with Jen who came here 7 years ago before there was ANYTHING but a beach, and built her dream and lives in paradise in a home she created and manifested and lives life with an "i can" attitude - and i look forward to going to this ashram next week for more reminders.

today i will BE about it.



i am a fearless aquatarian astronaut surfer love ninja named zani.
nice to reflect you.