monKEY business

Beaker the monkey is awesome.
She is a simakobu mentawai island monkey and kind of my best friend.
But she just totally ate my computer keyboard... MNO and P... but she didn't get the 'O' off and i can still type 'Oh' well..

she basically spelled the hard part of the alphabet so i'm not that mad at her... anymore.

my dad used to go on the road a lot when i was a kid... he would go sing in all different parts of the world and be gone for a really long time... so i guess he would record himself talking and singing to my sisters and i and my mom would play it for us when he was gone before we fell asleep at night...
(i would also climb up onto his sink to smell his little brown round bottle of cologne and remember what he smelled like.)
i love my dad.

anyways - he recorded himself singing the alphabet to my sister when she was little and sang
ABCDEFGHIJK...LMNOP....LMNOP...LMNOP... QRSTUVWXYZ
(so she could practice that L M N O P part slowly and correctly)

well... she ended up thinking that is how the alphabet went for a long time.

pretty cute.

so is this monkey. i wasn't even really mad from the time i came out of the kitchen and she squealed and flew across the room fully knowing she was being naughty. (although i am typing pretty slowly which is annoying...)

i sort of feel like my computer is broken or screwed up every couple weeks.
and last year, as soon as i got to the island my blackberry just died completely and then miraculously healed itself as soon as i got back to america.

my mom just emailed me yesterday and said "How lovely not to have to be attached to your blackberry and the little red light. It is another time zone - a natural one. Those computers zap us into computer time and out of nature time. It is jarring and unhealthy. I am so glad you are getting to experience the " natural world" this way."

i really think its a sign i am not supposed to use electronics out here.

instead, i try to live more like cahn (the island's caveman/stone artist)...

the whole philosophy out here does quite cater to this lifestyle of detatchment to electronics. a new rule was just instated "NO CELL PHONES IN THE BAR"
i love it here so much.

i have totally embraced this new role of mermaid hostess on the island. i really want to get a shiny green mermaid tail and swim up when guests arrive. (ainsley's amazing idea...)

i went out diving with john e. the other day and at first i was just snorkeling but then i ended up ditching the mask and just holding my breath free-diving down along the reef, which was so spectacularly beautiful and much more of a meditation to just do it holding my breath. i was teaching myself how to flip in and out of the water like a mermaid would...
ya. its a tough life.

my friend dan from pacific palisades is here right now as a guest. it's been really fun and i feel like i've been drunk for a week.
oh. i have.

ha.

the other day we went out surfing after a particularly long night of tequila drinking until 5am.... birdie and i had sat on the bar and spilled souls while listening to punk rock and cashing the cuervo bottles i had brought back from padang.
after about two hours of sleep we were rolling off the boat and into the water to take dan out for a surf session... i grabbed on to the leggie of birdie, and birdie held on to the leggie jonas our boat driver who proceeded to tow our lifeless bodies collapsed on our boards into the surf.
it was actually a really fun day and i realized how much of my fear is in my head.
because that morning i was definitely masih mabuk "still drunk" and not scared at all...
but i only lasted a few hours before returning to the island and finding a comfy nap zone and passing out.

that night i went on board the charter boat called "pelagic" that my friend nutty runs. (yuko is his pregnant fiancee)... to give some of his guests massages and partake in a few gin and tonics... which by the way had ZERO carbonation.
i'm pretty sure the guys were just giving me glasses of gin.
but it ended up pretty fun and i actually met some nice people including an australian guy with bright blue eyes that i actually kinda liked... not weird that there was an australian with blue eyes - there are about 100 per square inch of ocean out here... i mean that i got flirty.

just today i was on the boat "D'Bora" today talking to my girlfriend Jackie who does massage on there and we were talking about how we both chose to be completely unavailable to ALL the guys out here. it's like a 100 to 1 ratio... guys to single girls, so it's best just to have an "absolutely not policy" - though if i do live here forever and ever (which i can seriously see this happening) - i will need to import a boyfriend one day.

in the meantime i am so happy just existing with my buddies and laughing the nights away with gin and tonics and continuing to learn from my gurus and island hosts jonh and ainz, who seem to teach me things daily without even trying... and, of course, going on little itty bitty mini adventures...

like yesterday, our guest dan, birdie, jonas, and me went into the village "pokorajet" just to show dan and to climb up a hill and look out over the bay.
it was so unreal. i had never been up there and just couldnt believe how much i fully live in avatar.


we took some awesome photos with the villagers... including the millions of kids wielding machetes and running around doing karate with me and screaming back the english words i teach them.

i <3 the village so so much... and i am getting better at the language. it's really amazing to be able to understand whats going on (unless of course they are speaking bahasa mentawai in which case i have no idea what is going on)

we had a bit of a culture shift from that to dinner spent on the "Indies Trader IV" with the owner of the boat and an assortment of new friends, including the owners of Reef and Quicksilver and the captain who was a big time surfer back in the day.
Did i mention this boat is insane.
it's like a floating 5 star hotel with a helicopter landing pad on the roof and wine cellar and everything and anything you could want.
Ainz and i were FREEZING because we got wet on the canoe going over to the boat at sunset and then there was air conditioning on so full blast...
We ended up putting our clothes in the tumble dryer (i almost forgot those things existed) and wore big fluffy bathrobes at the dinner table.
it was pretty awesome.

i sat on the helipad for a long time with the captain, my new friend erik... from up so high i could just barely make out the island through the fog in front of us...

i felt so blessed, as i seem to feel daily... i sat up there in the lap of luxury realizing how much i prefer the island, but how nice it was to be wearing this teddy bear bathrobe anyways even though the night was winding down and we'd be heading out soon...

it's not easy being a woman out here and ainsley has been my teacher and inspiration - living out here in boy-land for so many years. she blows my mind. i sat up there just staring out into the black night and the ocean shimmering under the lights of the giant boat, giving thanks for ainsley and her spirit and the opportunity to live with her in this paradise she has created... and bam there she was climbing up the ladder to the helipad.

everything is written in the language of signs and symbols here. like the omens in "The Alchemist"
but where they had Umim and Thumim and camels and desert
we have a coral reef, a jungle, turquoise waves and a computer eating monkey.

like i said... i'm not mad.
i'm absurdly lucky.

to day

today

to day
like a cheers to "day"
... to day time
... to day light
I raise my coconut in the air to day today...

I woke up at dawn to my alarm "sleepyhead" climbed out of the mosquito net and stretched and yawned under the darkness ... the creeping blue of morning sky

I walked down the through the jungle wearing flip flops which felt wrong.
I never wear shoes- even across the vines and pieces of coral that litter the jungle floor.
I was going into town though so I needed to be shoed and with shoulders covered... so I had my cape wrap thing on too...

I climbed aboard the sampan with budi (our alternate driver) and jonas' mother who I was only introduced to as "ibu"

we sliced through that morning water like I have now done several times.

after about 30 minutes of meditation boat riding where my fingers trickle on the top of the splashing water down the side of the boat and pastel light greets the top of steamy jungle horizon lines, we arrived in tua pajet.

I know the dock patrol guy now which is fun. I feel like I live here.
oh... i do.

I met our guests and listened to their stories of the ferry.
"live chickens and motorbikes and children running around and bodies sweating everywhere smoking cloves..."
yup.
welcome to indo.
just you wait to see what the opposite pole of this is...
wait til you see where we're going.
30 min back and we pulled up to paradise island Aka hOMe...
Aka togat Nusa retreat



the guests nearly kissed the soft wooden planks on the floor of the driftwood castle, then ordered breakfast from Ruli our chef... and then we dove in the water.
it was like silk.

my first of the days magic moments.
silk.
divine silk.
warm, smooth, crystal clear.
like the hand of a lover stroking your lower back as you fall asleep in their arms.
that is the ocean here.

breakfast.

everyone on the boat for a morning surf. a swell came in yesterday so everyone went out...
John e, ainz, cahn, birdie, me, and our guests.
I mostly paddled around avoiding the huge thunderous waves...
making friends with the other surfers in the water off the charter boats anchored in front of the island.. telling them about the islan and inviting them to come in for a drink or massage.
and then retired to the boat to take pictures.



returning to the island I uploaded the photos and before I knew it the guests were back and it was lunch time.

after lunch, half the guests and everyone else who lives here got straight back on boat and out for a mid afternoon surf.

and next thing I knew surfers from the charter boats were arriving on the island that i was siglehandedly holding down...giving massages, tours, entertaining, and machety-ing coconuts open...

I gave 4 back to back massages and 2 island tours before finally sneaking away to snorkel with another guest just to rest my hands and not have to talk for a little while.



underwater is so peaceful.
it's like the little mermaid or finding nemo with all the colors and magic but no sound. (bummer- I'd love to hear the crab choir)

I parted through curtain of silverfish glistening in the late afternoon sunlight... I explored the coral like a lover...
I wrote a poem about it once...
comparing a love to a reef...
it's so beautiful and even though I'm aware it can cut me and hurt me I want to dive in and explore every inch of it's magestic beauty.

during one massage a guy was telling me about how it's so nice not to be waiting for the little red light on his blackberry.
It immediately felt like a million years ago since I was lookin for that red light every five minutes.
now I look for the red light of a charter boat on the horizon at nighttime...
but for the most part... as soon as the sun sleeps, my eyelids get heavy too.

i would rather be up for every hour in daylight then half in light and half in dark...
so i follow the words of Gibran and awaken at dawn with a winged heart, giving thanks for another day of loving.

cheers.
to day.

mentaWHY not?

mentaWHY?... mentaWHY NOT?

date/time?
no clue.
i'm already in the time warp

i do know that the world was supposed to end yesterday.
it didn't.
phew.



i called my dad a few days ago... or yesterday i guess... no. it would have been the evening before yesterday.
(what was suposed to be our last night as a planet i think)

anyways - whatever.
i called my dad to say hi. i hadn't checked in with my family since i returned to the island...
he told me about the new house they bought in san diego and their plans to move.
they told me about my friends that they had met and been hanging out with in san fran...
and then he told me about how there was some guy predicting the end of the world starting in new zealand at 6pm and then spanning around the world.
we sarcastically made a plan to wear a red carnation and meet at the far right post of saint peter's gate.
since i was gonna get there first i was to make a request that dad needs extra leg room. (an emergency row would work just fine).
we laughed and hung up and i walked back up from our cell phone reception spot on the sand and in to the driftwod castle. there was lightning over my head as i was talking and it was about to pour rain.

then i kind of got to thinking.

man... what would happen if i got hit by lightning and died that minute - my world WOULD be over.
i am well aware that we are all dreaming this reality into existance.
we are all just floating atoms reflecting one another and creating the world as we know it.
so what would happen if i died?

it's like the tree falling in the woods when nobody is around.
nobody is there to hear if it makes a sound so who's to say that it does?

would my death matter?
would the world end?
am i giving myself WAY too much credit here?
ha

my mind spiraled into fractaling thoughts that clammered one on top of the other until a bolt of lightning lit the sky a purplish-blue and i could see the clouds that looked pink and the silhouette of a charter boat docked out by the break.

i was aLIVE.

i climbed up the Uma stairs and into the driftwood castle and just took a moment and glanced around at each person here.
Each person here has been drawn in by my psyche reflect itself.
Wow. I am lucky.
If these people are reflections of me then i must be pretty damn cool.

John E and Ainsley were sitting slouched down side by side with their feet up on one of the pieces of driftwood art furniture that proudly stood in the Uma, a unique creation among unique creations... The monkey was already in bed at their bungalow because we have guests and we have found that an adorable monkey begging for your food is highly distracting from the deliciousness of the fish that Cahn had caught with a spear that morning and Ruli had spent the evening cooking.

Cahn was sitting at the head of the table where we had finished our dinner about an hour before.
He was just wearing boardshorts as always with his super dark tanned skin telling a story to the guests about surfing i'm sure.

John E was gazing adoringly at Ainsley, his wife and muse who sat next him, completely ignoring Cahn.
Ainsley was braiding her hair and watching the reaction of the guests to Cahn's story.
Our guests were a mix of three groups from three countries.
The Canadian couple and the French brothers I had met in Padang on my way back out here.

I LOVE playing greeting committee, tour guide with the guests.
I used to always play that when friend came through LA... taking them through Hollywood in the convertible and giving them the lay of the land. sharing tid bits of info and just being a hostess...

Padang is a little less of a tourist town and more of a thoroughfare in the wild wild west of Sumatra, West Indonesia...
But i loved telling our new friends what little facts i knew and could share... like the reason for the pointy swooping rooftops which mimic the Minang Cattle in the region.
We had ridden back on the ferry together and laughed a lot.

It was my first experience on the ferry.
(Yes. i am spoiled beyond belief. i have heard it)

But we had a cabin which was cool. (The ferry is in intense - bodies strews everywhere sweating across the floors of this giant boat for about 11 hours overnight).

Our cabin was freezing it was so air conditioned and i ended up fishing out a black trashbag from my suitcase and crawling inside of it to get some kind of insulation as i slept on our bumpy stormy crossing.
I felt very rugged sleeping in a trashbag actually.
It was the trashbag I had wrapped my suitcase in when i left the island so that it didn't get wet on the sampan driving to tua pajet to catch the plane.
I got butterflies in my stomach thinking about my return to the island.
i counted down the hours in that tiny cabin in my douglife sleepingbag.

...My friend Doug wrapped his feet in trashbags one time when his socks got wet on an Eagle Scout trip. My friend Kevin told me that story in Venice one day before i left. Doug had just died and we were sitting at lunch on Rose. I thought about that day, and that story, and then wow. i had left Venice... Come to paradise and used this same black trashbag i am sleeping in to keep the crystal clear turquoise water from splashing on my laptop. Thinking of yet another dearly departed friend i grew up with. God i am lucky...

butterflies again.

I woke up on the ferry before the sun came up and watched the Mentawais come into focus through the dawn light.
I watched a peach colored sky emerge and kiss down on the lush green islands we were slowly creeping by.

Home.

from the time Jonas arrived to pick us up at the ferry dock in Tua Pajet, i had the hugest goofiest smile on my face.
I sat at the front of the boat with eyes closed and let the water and wind whip my face and the early morning sun sit right on my eyelids...

Pulling up and seeing this paradise island and my friends, my family here waiting for us to pull up... i was literally teeming over with gratitude and wanted to cry and tackle all of them, starting with Jojo... the best dog in the Mentawais and the greeting committee for the island.

John E, Ainsley, Cahn, and my buddy, Birdie.
Birdie and i had talked a lot while i was in Bali... occasional drunken calls from him and contstant text message check ins. We are a little team out here on the island, and i am always learning stuff from him.
He is the surf guide out here but does so much more... constantly helping to make things run smoothly and going above and beyond with his hospitality with the guests and overall Cancerian Host with the Most home-y vibe, plus he speaks Indo dead fluently and takes care of little things that require his skills around here.
I totally missed him while i was in Bali and now as i looked over at this table with the world about to end i saw him sitting at the end of the table with the Aussies laughing.

Three australians were the final group of our guests... these guys had been on a charter boat and just couldn't fathom leaving the Mentawais so they stayed on for an extra week as guests on the island. They were already there when i arrived with the four new ones from Canada and France.

My Mentawai friends Yona and Linda were standing behind the bar laughing and making jokes as always. I love them. they are like my sisters here. Ruli - the head chef was behind the bar too staring at the table. (He likes to watch everyone eat every last morsel of food he cooks. it's a little unnerving to me, but i deal with it. Sometimes i just don't feel like eating but then thinki have to cuz Ruli is giving me that stare down.)

I just stood there, after talking to my dad about the potential end of the world and panning across the giant driftwood room taking it all in.
Drinking in this experience and these people that i love. These reflections of me.
And a giant clap of thunder exploded behind me as if to snap me back to the present moment again and go join the table of friends.

Birdie and I were falling asleep that night and i asked him what he would do if he knew the world would end tomorrow.

He was quiet for a moment and then started singing this punkrock sounding song.

"If i knew the world was gonna end...
I would just hang out with my friends...
Cuz i wouldn't be me with out them.
Ya i wouldn't be here without them."
(or something like that. he said i have to get him drunk to get him to sing it for me again. its really good actually)

he said he wrote that song when he was 14 or something.

i just about died laughing, crying, and just SO loving that answer.

the next day we woke up and i realized that i had absolutely no choice but to charge it and go surfing because the world was gonna end at 6 and i had a lot of work to do in order to get barrelled in that time... including making the waves a little bigger, but not too big that i would get sacred and run away from them.

As we all sat on surfboards under the beautiful day stretched out on a canvas above our heads lit by early afternoon sunlight i thought to myself

"if i knew the world would end... i would just hang out with my friends."

and there i was.
hanging out in the water with some people i love.
what ELSE would i possibly do?

Birdie and I realized that neither of us really have bucket lists...
We have both done pretty much all the things we have dreamt about doing.

Sure - i still really want to go to Macchu Pichu and would be prertty bummed if i died and didn't make it there...
and there is a lot of travelling i will want to do.. but i feel like WOW. i have done all the scary, amazing "things to do before you die"

I think the Mentawais is like that for a lot of surfers.

They dream about this place their entire lives and finally make it as one last splash of realizing that there are no pockets in our coffins and we can't take any money or anybody with us... so why not take the trip of a lifetime and do what you've always dreamed you'd do before you die... and come to the mentawais...

mentaWHY? mentaWHYnot?

we're all gonna die some day, so i guess the world will end before we know it whether we are expecting it or not.
all the more reason to live for today.
for the birds that fly away.

banana leaves

banana leaves

weaving through the Mount Agung area in East Bali....

these panoramic views unfold around bends like some killer award winning shot out of Jurassic park....
so green, so lush, so unreal and yet the realeast real there is.

these old graceful women- their thin frail looking frames wrapped in colorful sarongs... their dark  sun-aged skin seems to hang off their bones as they glide like swans walking up and down the mountain roads carrying huge bundles on the crown of their heads.



they seem so unaffected.

it's the youth who carry plastic frito lay bags of artificially colored chips and crank their heads to see my face when they catch a glimpse of blonde hair out the corner of their eyes.

even the little warungs that I imagine once sold papaya and durian (smelly but buttery fruit that is covered in spikes like a porcupine)...now there are plastic bags of bright orange air food... indo equivalent of cheese puffs.

but it's the garbage that either gets burned or thrown into the rivers and by the side of the road that breaks my heart.

the trash is such a problem here.
and I fear it will just get worse...
the indos seem to love their plastic.

and it just gets tossed aside the way they have always done with their rubbish. the difference is that once upon a time they ate out of banana leaves not plastic bags - bags that end up swirling in the tides and wind up wrapped around our feet as we sit in the lineup waiting for a set of plastic-infused waves to break.
I feel responsible as a westerner
we brought this here
and then we have the audacity to complain that it's dumped in the sea where we want to surf and play.



earlier today I ate the best meal i've had on bali as we were driving up here to the Karangasem regiency.
yuko instructed our driver, Kadek to pull over at this tiny warung by the side of the road just before karamis...
(a surf spt i came to last year with my number one home skillet Dino to watch him surf...)

i wish i would have known about Moni Warung back then!

this place is a hole in the hut.
I would call it a hole in the wall but there are no walls...
or chairs...
or forks...
or napkins...
or plates...

just floor, hands, water bowls and banana leaves.



I wasn't even planning on eating so I ordered a coconut to drink.
it's insane how good coconut with ice and lime is.
I'm pretty sure I could survive on coconuts alone for quite a long time if I tried. 
I just need to learn how to safely climb a palm tree holding a machete.
my mind had meandered off to thoughts about coconut survival as I absently slurped the sweet nectar down and stared into space swatting flies out from the line of sight of my crazy looking fixed stare

all of a sudden meals were being served to both of us...
there had been no menu... we just sat on the floor and the lady stood up from behind the little indo BBQ she had bern fanning with a palm leaf and brought a giant platter full of food, setting in front of both of us.

one leaf had rice cooked with onions and potatoes or something...
one leaf had steamed greens, cabe (spicy stuff), and peanuts
one leaf had fish sate skewers... little pieces of blackened BBQ fish pieces that had undoubtedly been caught that morning out front in the sea.
about 6 skewers with some other spicy sauce and another piece of steamed fish wrapped in a banana leaf like a tamale...
and then finally a bowl of fish soup.

I decided to say screw it and taste the fish skewer. (my second time ever eating fish in a restaurant)
it blew my mind.
I couldn't believe I could not only stomach it... not only like it... but totally full on love it.

both meals together with the coconuts were 20,000 rupiah...
(10,000rp - about one US dollar)

wait wait wait -- that's cheaper then Venice beach Papusas! and this was an entire meal.

man....
THIS is Indonesia!

I don't know what that kuta chaos bullshit is but I don't like it and again, I blame us westerners for the state of things there.

it's a shame so many people go to kuta and think that's Bali and say they hate it.
(even I am guilty of that a little... kuta makes my skin crawl)
oh I just realized you can't spell  KUlit gaTAl without KUTA
kulit gatal = itchy skin
why am I so obsessed with word play? I seriously sit around an think of amazing word amalgamations all day. 
anyways.. kuta is itchy
but Mount Agung is so magical.
they say it's the sacred mountain of power & transformation.

I want to climb to the top next time I am in bali.

this magical mountain road I am winding down as I write this is not very far from the gandhi ashram I stayed at last week in Candidasa... I can feel that same heavy, centered vibration here as I did there.

there was a shirt at the ashram that said
"bumi bikin cukup untuk semua orang perlu....
tapi tidak pernu cukup untuk setiep orang serakah"

I think it's an Einstein quote
"the earth makes enough for everybody's need...
but never enough for anybody's greed"

I love the gandhian principal of

"let us live simply so that others may simply live"

I am trying.

it's crazy how conditioned we are as consumers though. marketing is no joke. I drive past this giant orange and brown A&W sign in seminyak and every single time I think cccchhhk ahhhh... (the sound of opening a can) and how much I would love a rootbeer.
ummm really?
would I?
wouldn't I much rather have a coconut with some lime squeezed in it? I will feel hydrated and fulfilled and energized versus burpy and all buzzed out on sugar and artificial ingredients.

something in me still wants it.

when we were down in the bukit at pantai balangan last week we got to talking about mcdonalds and how their recipes are a total science... same with subway.... no matter where you go in the world, that smell is unmistakeable. it's identical and identifiable....
because they want it to be that way. they have chemical composition recipes that are exactly created... it's something that gets triggered in our brains and tells us we recognize it and want it.
I don't know exactly about all this so I can't really speak to it without researching - and i dont even really want to, so look it up yourself and tell me if I'm an idiot.
one thing I have seen with my own blue-green eyes is world mcdonaldization...

I remember about 7 or 8 years ago my ex, jamie and I were in greece. it wa beautiful and romantic and magical and I will never forget that trip.
but I will also never remember the plastic crocodile.

we had taken a day trip off the island of santorini and sailed to a  tiny little island village called thirisia... it had no running water or electricity. no cars... the island was typical Greek rock cliff and so they would get up and down by donkey.
it actually isn't all too different in energy from the little Mentawai villages... only these people were much closer to civilization- just off the coat of a major tourist island.
Jamie and I found ourselves sitting on a beach alone being all young and in love when two little Greek boys from the village came running over to us with a dead lizard.
I of course was a tender palisades girl at that time- not yet the hard core rugged chick I am today ;)
so I screamed bloody murder and went running up the beach.
Jamie having the sense of humor he does thought it was hilarious (just like the little boys) so they all chased me up and down the hills wiggling the dead lizard in my face.
finally when I had started actually crying begging him to stop we made friends with the kids and gave them our little battery powered radio we had bought at heathrow airport. I remember how amazed and in awe they were. like we were straight up santa and mrs clause
in exchange they ran off and came back holding a gift for us.
it was this total hot green plastic crocodile toy that look like it came out of a happy meal.
turning it over we saw the embossed stamp of mcdonalds on te back.
HOW did they get this toy?
they haven't seen a radio but have a happy meal toy.
it was insane.

i dont know man... it all just seems so far away from rice and fish in a banana leaf.
dive throughs? chemical recipes? deforestation of rainforest to raise cattle that totally know they are going to get slaughtered. it's not rocket science.
the cows in indo seem so at peace... so happy.
it's such a beautiful image to me when I see the balanese tilling their gardens next to a beautiful pet cow.



another gandhian principal to marinate on is this;

"he who does not labor and eats, eats stolen food."

whoosh, right?

who the f are we to go through a drive through mcdonalds and buy this processed chemical brainwash bullshit food for so super cheap- dump the plastic containers in the trash (as if it will then magically disappear off the earth) and think that we are participating in the food chain... to think that we are participating in life!?

it's a sad state of affairs if you ask me.
thank god for people like my little sister hero tia who is working to make a difference in America at least... helping to create campaigns that raise awareness and promote environmental change and consciousness.

if nothing else, let us lead by example as unfortunately we already have.

let's show the world how to come back to the earth... return to simplicity and true Eco living.

think about what would happen if everyone chose to make zero trash for one day.

the results would be mind-blowing.

transcenDANCE around the globe.

transcenDANCE around the globe....

i had to get extra pages added to my passport today.

it feels like some sort of achievement to fill your passport with stamps but it's actually kind of crazy that it could be "full" with only 34 stamps.

I feel like i haven't even scratched the surface of places i want to travel to... and yet by American standards, i have exceeded the expectation for international travel.

I want to find the exact statistic, but i seem to remember that something like 75% of Americans don't even HAVE a passport, which means that not only have they never left, they don't even have plans to leave the country...

It's one of my pet peeves to hear a yank say "America is the best country in the world" and then find that they have never even VISITED anywhere else.

As Marcel the Shell would say "COMPARED TO WHAT!?"

(If you haven't seen Marcel... peep this video IMMEDIATELY. i am in love)

I feel like international travel is so under-rated in our country, and like i said, i haven't even done nearly enough mySELF!
I was talking to my friend Russell about it the other day as we were being driven around Bali before our surf trip... I feel like i immediately respect someone's point of view so much more when i find out that they have trekked through Nepal, or spent time in India, or lived in the wilderness of Ecuador...
I find that so much more valuable and respectable then any degree or job title or income bracket...

My friend Mikey D. is probably my travel icon. (i can't imagine the state of his passport. it's probably War & Peace thick at this point.) He is the ultimate professional noMAD... (his initials are M.A.D. - how RAD is that?) and he is one of the wittiest guys of all time. I think a quick wit goes a long way when you are traveling and making friends along the roads... and he has the road warrior thing down to a science.
I met him at my friend Amber's house last summer and remember energetically bee-lining over to him and losing myself in an hour conversation.
I had stopped by Amber's with my roomate hOMie love Joshie - and we had a strict 20 minute time limit, as we were totally late for another engagement - but really wanted to stop by and say hi.
Mike and i were laughing within 5 minutes and talking about the world and travel-life. I play this game where i name off an obscure place and about 8/10 times, he has been there. He actually took me to REI in LA before i left on this adventure and we had such an epic prep day. We try to hang out whenever we were in the same city (so far just New York and Venice, but i can pretty much guarantee we are gonna get some hang time in another country one of these days)...

So, I found a list of places i wanted to go and still have yet to check them off my list

Thailand
India
Australia
Peru
Tibet

Aside from Peru, I am in very close proximity to all of these places and itch to go there...

I think Thailand or Australia are coming next - maybe for a visa run - or quick week adventure - and then i plan to meet Aaron and various other love gypsies in India this winter.

Tibet might take a little while and Peru is on my radar for 2012/2013...
I really want to climb to the top of Machu Picchu.
I can remember being a little kid and we had this Geo Safari game that talked (BIG thing to have a game that talked in those days...)

One of the games was the 7 wonders of the world - and identifying it on a map...
I remember taking the Machu Picchu card and hiding it under my pillow (along with about 10,000 other weird things... yes i was a total shrine building, secret alter making pack-rat even then... Always trying to create the zen zone with my sacred things and intention items)...

Anyways - Peru always called to me and it still does today.
I know that i will get there somehow.

It's a weird thing being a gypsy... because although all i want to do is wander the world barefoot and talk to people and sing and dance around... it totally takes money and it kind of bums me out.

I had this big plan to just charge up my credit cards, but of course i seemed to forget that a lot of Asian countries are pretty much cash-only zones. So... if anyone is planning to make a cash purchase or something that they can pay on credit card instead, let me buy it for you and then you can put the cash in my bank so i can continue to travel, okay?

Also - donations to the help the love ninja fund are welcome... i will send OM blessings to you from around the world every night... just ask my friends who have been getting them the last few months... i can guarantee 100% results of warm tickly love feelings blasting at you from the indian ocean zone.

But saying that - i am totally going to be fine... i gotta just stop talking about how much i hate money and don't want it... because i realized that i have never had a hard time getting a job or making money... in fact it used to piss of jamie, my ex all the time because i have never actually had to apply for, or ask for a job... people just always approach me and want me to work for them and its an amazing thing that happens in my life!

I am blessed and i need to accept it and stop rejecting it.

i mean, SHIT... i'm in indonesia... look! i'm a millionaire... literally.


I definitely romanticize the idea of being a poor gypsy, but then i again think about my friend Mikey who travels and sees more then anyone i know... and he has his own company that supports him as he travels... so i think i am going to start my own publishing company and start to publish my own stuff as well as my friend photography, music, poetry and books.
i have such a wealth of content i can put together...
okay... i love this idea.
i'm gonna call it transcenDANCE publishing.
done.

wow. this is such a rambling blog.

but like i always say about setting intentions... it's all well and good to think about things and plant seeds in your own mind, but as soon as you share your intentions with others, you will get this opportunity to plant those seeds in other's minds too and then you make things real by having a force of people all thinking about and believing your intention in reality.

so - i would like to be based at togat nusa retreat in the mentawais (during the surf seasons) and then travel around on the off season and make money by writing.
(i have about 10 books i am writing in my head right now)...

it just seems to flow out of me.

especially right now.

after jamie and i split up i had this waterfall of poetry flow out of me... and i started just writing it all down... that's where this blog of all my poetry came from ponderings from my path...

and now i feel it opening again... last night i felt this cathartic feeling like i had just cried my eyes out or dove in a freezing cold lake...
my lungs were just drawing in so much air...
i couldn't figure out where all the space had come from.

it made me think of leonard cohen
"There is a Crack in Everything... It's How the Light Gets In"

I felt like this bell was tolled to hard it cracked like a clap of thunder that rattled through my soul and lasted for an hour or something...

i told my friend the other day that i feel like when i was at the ashram, i shook hands with my heart.

i feel so many things its almost hard to wrap my brain around it and figure it all out... but i guess that is the game i get to play...
unwinding the magic of this life thread that weaves in and out of countries and experience and dreams and consciousness...
it's pretty amazing...

and the MOST amazing part is that i am going hOMe to the Mentawai Islands tomorrow...
Togat Nusa Retreat...

HOW am i so blessed to live here?



i love you Indo.

reflecting on reflections

TODAY
on the island of Bali, Indonesia.


I reluctantly left the ashram today.
I went in for the hug with everyone there... some were warm and welcoming and some were super awkward... but i felt so much love for all of them, i had to hug them Amma style.
I walked out the ashram doors and climbed aboard the "shuttle bus" - an old volkswagon vanagan style van- sticky stick shift smelly thing that was SO loud... oh my god, it was so loud.
my surfboard bag was squeezed in and pretty much smashed against the back of the driver's head.
back to the "real world" of horn honking and playing chicken with oncoming drivers along the hair pin turns the weave through the rice patties and coconut groves.
I'm not sure why they even bother painting lines on the roads here.

I closed my eyes and relaxed my neck, my jaw, and the muscles around my eyes as I had been doing during every puja at the ashram... fully sinking into the moment and drinking it all in with my inhales.
I was now drinking in diesel fumes and my body was bouncing and dancing with the jerking motions of the van as sweat beaded on my face and the backs of my knees.

"we change to big bus in ubud!" the driver cranked his neck around the surf board bag and called back to me over the roar of his little van.

I opened one eye and nodded.

I was the only passenger so I felt comfortable sitting crossed legged and letting myself relax on the back seat. I had a moment of realizing that this heavy, honey-like peace I had been able to find in meditation at the ashram was accessible to be even now as we bobbed and swerved across this island.

I started to reflect on the past week (which ofcourse feels like a lifetime)...


last week I was in Balian (directly west on the opposite coast of bali) at jenny's house.

I was doing my usual "surf" routine of sitting on a board and avoiding waves... and then my friend Russell came to Indonesia, post India and Nepal trek with a mission to surf for a month.
I of course wanted to help him escape from kuta chaos and jen said it would be fine for him to come up to Balian for the night...

immediately I was infected with his super motivated kid from west LA world traveller with a goal kinda attitude and got right on board with him... literally.

i refused to take no for an answer.
i bought the surf board I had been renting for about 70 dollars and 2 kisses... because I liked it.... it was a total ghetto hooptie I could trash and not feel bad about and most importantly because I was proving to myself that if I wanted something I should go get it...
and I really wanted to kill my weird self-imposed fears of surfing once and for all.

in fact, russell and I decided to hire Jenny to take us on a four day surf trip around Bali.

we came back to seminyak first and spent the night with yuko.
Jen met us in the moring in a car she rented and we headed south to "The Bukit"...


we started the surf trip a-la-girls(andboy)on-board at Dreamland beach...
a crazy chaotic tourist beach that made my skin crawl... but there were no waves to climb aboard...
so we decided to get in the water anyways and just charge it out of there - paddling all the way around the the next surf break which is called Balangan.

We paddled for what seemed like an hour - past all these beautiful cliff-sides and through garbage-y waters which broke my heart and finally around a point, arriving and falling directly in to the lineup at Balangan.
The waves were perfect and the people were rad-i-culous...
i had so much fun making friends out at that point break, and found myself actually catching waves, and getting fully worked at one point - hitting my head on the reef and recognizing that although it's scary, it's not THAT bad... there are much worse things in life then getting trapped between white water fury and the jagged reef.
well, i mean - that certainly makes it sound dramatic... but in the grand scheme of life - i would say its about a 4 on the shitty scale.
not the bad.
I finally felt like my stupid fears were lifting.
I especially had fun bantering in the water and then afterwards at the pondok bar with a witty australian dude that i just might keep in touch with.

that night our friend gina who had stayed at togat nusa last month, came and met us for the night! we went out to dinner and drank wine and laughed. she had gone on yuko's charter boat "the budgidari" after she left the island... ironically i had come to yuko's house in seminyak.
that night we all slept in the little shacks on balangan beach...
I felt like i was belongin' at balangan.

the next morning the waves were double the size, so not by fear but rather by intelligence i stayed closer to shore riding a smaller wave instead of the big one that was barreling out where i had been the day before.
After lunch we headed to another break further south called "Bingin" where Russell got eaten by the reef and we got some killer Gado-Gado (my new favorite food)...

As the sun started setting we went over to Uluwatu and climbed through the caves, ending up on the very top at a restaurant that looked all the way from Ulus to Balangan and drank Margaritas as a band played and surfers cruised around smiling and dancing.

We found our way back to Balangan and passed out early...

The next morning we headed East and North to a break up near the Ashram that i was going to, called Jasri. It is a right breaking wave which is pretty rare in Indonesia it seems. There was very little swell but we had a good time regardless sitting in the water making up funny jokes about rainbow barrel beam eyesight and a bunch of other inside jokes that only Jenny and Russell would get.

I wish i had a camera in the water, because it was so beautiful looking at the coconut trees all lines up against the water with giant Mount Agung in the background... it seems no wonder that it is such a sacred mountain to the Balanese.
That night we slept in the most beautiful villa in Seraya near Candidasa and i felt i had been there before and seriously want to rent it for a year... it felt like the most familiar, beautiful, peaceful place that i could see myself having yoga retreats or something from. It sat right on the water and was just everything i could ever want in a house.

I gave Jenny and Russell a yoga class at sunset and then we went to Vincent's (a Van Gough inspired restaurant) in Candidasa...

the next morning i checked into the Ashram... and that is another story... or rather ten more stories... i have a feeling i will come back to the Ashram stories time and time again in the future blogs...

All i can say about it right now is that time ceased to exist... i didn't need an alarm to wake up at 4:30am for the 5am sunrise puja... i can honestly say i am not sure i have ever been so peaceful and heavy with calm, weighted, grounded energy.

What is with me right now that i will share is this: (part of malam puja)
"THINKING ABOUT SENSE OBJECTS WILL ATTACH YOU TO SENSE OBJECTS...
GROW ATTACHED AND YOU BECOME ADDICTED...
THWART YOUR ADDICTION AND IT TURNS TO ANGER...
BE ANGRY AND YOU CONFUSE THE MIND...
CONFUSE THE MIND, YOU FORGET THE LESSON OF EXPERIENCE...
FORGET EXPERIENCE, YOU LOSE DISCRIMINATION...
LOSE DISCRIMINATION AND YOU MISS LIFE'S ONLY PURPOSE."

ya... marinate on that one guys.

don't you worry - i will share much about that ashRAM RAM RAM adventure.

----
one week, that seemed like a month... culminating in this moment - riding on an old huge shuttle bus (ya - we changed to big bus in ubud alright)... just a gigantic monster of a hooptie bus falling apart at the hinges - bouncing and bobbing along the Bali highway...
I giggle to myself as i take in this moment.
My mother would be cracking up. In fact, she WILL crack up when i tell her the story, painting the picture of this moment, that could be in an episode of I Love Lucy.
Everyone's luggage is falling and crashing all over the place as the driver slams the stick shift into gear.
I can see his reflection, his apathetic looking face through the giant rear-view mirror that i am fairly sure he doesn't even know exists, since he seems to have no interest in glancing in it...
He is continually yawning and chain-smoking clove cigarettes, seemingly oblivious to the chaos of the toppling bags and surf boards and people yelling in various languages.
His driver's hand radio is clicking and babbling to his uninterested ears.
He makes a wide, careless turn onto a tiny country dirt road and immediately i start laughing and shaking my head.
no way.
i mean- look at this bus - look at that road... there is no way.
he charges on down the road.

i mean - shit... what if another car comes?

as SOON as that thought entered my head, an equally huge Petramina fuel truck comes flying around the bend.

now, i am not kidding when i say that our truck takes up the ENTIRE road... and we are facing a truck that also takes up it's side of this square off. We are shoulder-to-shoulder one way.

Without even batting an eye, our driver yawns and starts turning his giant wheel to the left, smashing the wheels and windows against the rice patty on the side of the street as the Petramina truck does the same.

Now, I didn't SEE our truck actually eat the Alice & Wonderland cake, but I assure you we must have.

Each truck took turns inching past one another - the drivers with their heads hung out the window watching the miracle as they all but scrape by one another, but neither driver even saying a word - unimpressed with the amazing feat of spacial awareness that just took place.

All of a sudden we are free and continue to bob along the road... back to playing chicken with oncoming motorbikes.

It made me think...

Indonesians cut EVERYTHING so close to the wire... it really takes an enormous amount of trust to just GO.

As Americans we leave SO much space... so much buffer padding room, but say we are broke, we say we are late, we say we are out, and there is no room (when in reality there totally is)...

All there is is space.

Think about the room you are sitting in right now. Look around at the ratio of stuff to space... look at the space between your fingers and toes... and then the space around your body and above your head, in front and in back and on all sides of you...

Yet... we don't see the space somehow.

Indonesians say "you'll be alright... just do it... there is room."

They sleep 6 people in one bedroom
They arrive at the airport for a flight 15 minutes before taking off...
They play chicken while driving and seem to just nip by one another, but in reality, there is plenty of space.

We ARE alright.

I am learning this.

I am learning to trust.

Wake at Dawn...

At Dawn in Seminyak, Bali.

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."
-my numero uno home skillet, Kahlil Gibran

I awoke at Yuko's house on a bed she made me that has purple sheets.
The last time i was here at her beautiful little home, i commented on her purple sheets that were on her bed and said how beautiful i thought they were... they're exactly the color i visualize my third eye chakra to be...
(the chakra for psychic perception and awareness that i believe is like an amethyst in the center of your forehead that guides you on your travels like Saint Christopher's energy.)

I could just make out the color purple on the sheets beneath me as the first light started creeping in through the little Bali-style windows in the wall above me. The various roosters, geckos, birds, and frogs were singing their dawn song outside in all directions.
On every island i have been to, it seems that Indonesian animals are so vocal... or maybe its just that i have spent too long in Los Angeles.

I wrote this poem a long time ago called
"a bullfrog's lament and a lost soul in a sea of silicone and starbucks"

The crooked river winding...

Bundles of sage and muddy palms.

Wildflowers bloom beside the trail.

...We are seeking our salvation...

Bullfrogs groan at human footsteps.

As we march through fennel smelling meadows, twigs crack and snap beneath us.

Sunlight peeks through between the shadows cast by twisted branches bound together like an arborous canopy overhead.

We are seeking life.

We live in a city where
LIFE
dwells
so
far
.
below
.
the surface
of the concrete and oil...
silicone and starbucks...

... that we flinch in fear when a ladybug lands on our hand which holds a cigarette out the window on the 405.

Are you lost little friend?

Perhaps the bullfrog asked ME the same question...

When did we become so radically removed from the nature that we come from,
...the nature that we WERE and ARE and WILL BE?

How can one lose sight of their own inherent nature?

Perhaps because there is none
(nature that is)
here
in this toxic-waste-dump-movie-set-sprinkled-with-people-who-live-in-a-bmw -and -a-briefcase-and -represent-the -people- that -read-a-script-and-agree-to-play-a-role-of-an-environmentalist - provided- that- their- contract - includes - an - 80' -trailer -with- constant- air-conditioning -stocked- with- slave-trade-coffee- brewed-in- blood-diamond-mugs...

Its no wonder everyone hates LA.

Why is no one else seeking their salvation by this crooked river winding?

Reach your hand out to me and let me pull you up from the sea of blindness and into the blinding sun where we will collect bundles of sage and muddy our palms.

And we will know life.

And we will know love.

And the bullfrog will ask us to stay a while.

And the ladybug will ballroom dance with my pinky finger....

____________________________________

Any way, it seemed that the choir of animals were singing together this breaking morning like the Mentawai children on Sunday mornings at church in their costumes singing their little hearts out, and i found myself waking up and immediately hearing Kahlil Gibran's words echo through my head...

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."

i stretched silently as not to wake up my pregnant hostess Yuko - breathing and taking some spinal twists and hip openers. My knee is still very sore and seems to be getting more and more frozen after the sea urchin incident... is it a bite? a sting? a poke? what do you call that?

I honestly have fallen asleep multiple nights now thinking of that and never have remembered to look and find an answer... what is it when a porcupine gets you?
an attack? ya - but the sea urchin is so not interested in attacking. if anything i attacked the urchin! poor thing - drunkie 27 year old girl trying to swim across it's reef home in extremely low tide. unprofessional zani.
Anyways, my sea urchin injury is making my knee totally arthritic somehow which is totally lame.

Yuko just woke up (i'm sure the babbling going on in my head was enough to pull her out of her sleep)... She just handed me some coffee. WHO needs starbucks in indonesia... Java, Sumatra... we are in Kopi Heaven! i love me some good stuff though and shockingly people are way down with their instant garbage here.
I must say, i went through a faze for quite a while in England when i was totally and completely useless without coffee... i would basically just stagger into the kitchen, shuffling across the freezing cold tile floors (bundled of course like an eskimo in all the blankets and sheets off my bed - leaving jamie, my husband totally bare and shivering while he slept in... serves him right for not having to get up like me... ha) and i would make myself instant coffee and marvel at its power to pull me right into the day.

Many years ago, a taxi driver told me that it takes a full hour for caffeine to be completely active in your system - and it's all in our head thinking that sipping a coffee instantly makes us awake. I obviously gave him NO tip and angrily got out of the black cab and slammed the door.

How dare he insult my precious coffee.

Wow... i am digressing like its my job.

Wait... what was the point of this one?

Oh good. i am just babbling. i like these ones...

So, Russell, my friend who is in town is asleep on Yuko's couch as i sit on my purple bed post yoga stretch, and write. Russell and I both bought surfboards yesterday. He got a new one in Kuta down on Poppies Lane.
We went on a buying mission and ended on the "flying fish" board bought from an adorable lady named Misty who i totally chatted to in Indo and then hugged when we left.

We went and had a "zanimal" - tequila, soda water & lime to celebrate the purchase.

Mine i had been renting in Balian Beach and i really liked it so i bought it from the rental guys for super cheap (plus dua cium - two kisses)... i drive a hard bargain.
the board is totally beat up. not fancy like Russell's at all. i keep calling it a "hooptie" - which apparently nobody knows that word... ya know, like a "piece"... like a fully old, shitty thing that works great but looks a little worn out. Most of the cars in Indonesia are "hoopties."
Anyways, i rode it out in Balian with Jen yesterday and as we were sitting in the lineup I just visualized myself painting the chakras down the front with acrylic paint so that i could have a frame of reference as to where i like to have my feet when i'm standing and my boobs when i'm paddling.
sometimes i need that marker.
I remember when i was practicing hatha blend yoga in Los Angeles with the genius Jasmine Lieb, i thought i would like to paint foot marks on a yoga mat... but then i realized that i should just let go of the perfect physical alignment and just be in the moving meditation with grace, so i never painted a mat like that.

This radical new/old hooptie blue surfboard is totally getting a paint job.
I am just so very much looking forward to being able to run around the wave world and not worry about hurting someone else's board. I AM destructo, afterall...

Think about my shoes.
ya.
i go through shoes like nobody on this planet.
it's true.

ask any of my friends.

Cary has probably commented on this fact more then anyone... but its true.
I walk HARD... or something.
i just always destroy shoes.

I think its kind of awesome that i live a life now where i don't actually wear shoes.

Before i left to get on the plane to come out here to Bali, i had put on shoes twice in 2 months. Once to Cahn and Sue's wedding in the village where i OBviously sported my boots, and once to Tua Pajet. (the Mentawai town - i went into to get supplies on my birthday)

It's funny though, because if you look at my feet it looks like i have a disease or something. My feet are riddled with scars and wounds... my new surfing injury (yessss), the blisters on my feet from actually WEARING shoes in Bali, bug bites and cuts from the island...

i love it.

there is nothing i don't love about being so rugged. okay okay... i guess i didn't love each thing that made me hurt and bleed that now are scars... but i'm just sayin... i am so f-ing rugged.
hahah.

it's been fun having Russell from LA here - my first familiar face that has reminded me where i come from and who i am... I have come a long way.
literally and metaphorically.

I am so grateful he is here on his surf mission, as it is totally inspiring me to be on a surf mission which is the kick in the ass i needed.

We actually hired my friend Jen to take us on a long weekend surf trip around Bali. She is such an inspiration and a really good guide, as she has been living on this island for 7 years and knows exactly where it is not crowded but perfect. Plus i really like her, so we get to chat while out in the water. Once she wakes up we are going to head out.

On Tuesday i am heading up north to Candidesa to stay at the Gandhi Ashram. I am so excited about that... even though part of me just wants to keep surfing... but it is so true how surfing and yoga/meditation are so closely linked and very similar.
there is this connection with spirit that is so profound...

i just wish everyone in the world would do one or the other.
surf or practice yoga...
and everyone could wake at dawn with a winged heart like mine right now...
if only...

to BE about it.

get it or get over it.

what an adventure i have been on...

this life.



last night i sat at the Pondok Pitaya restaurant at the end of the Balian road with Jen (my hostess and super Goddess inspiration right now) and my friend Russell from LA.

Russell and I grew up in the same town but weren't really friends until he moved into a house with my best friend Cary in college up in Berkeley. I used to visit her monthly so we would hang out and party. Now he lives in New York (again, near Cary who i visit as much as i can).... He has been traveling around India and Nepal for the last three months and has come to Indonesia for a month solely to surf. He arrived on Bali three days ago and called me and i told him not to think... just to come North to Balian, so he arrived that night just in time for a Balian sunset...

a game of soccer on the black sand beaches with some local kids....
and a Gado-Gado with Jen & Yuko.

Yuko left yesterday afternoon as she had a baby doctor appointment back in Seminyak. So bummed to see her go. I love spending time with her, but i will see her back in Seminyak and we are hatching a plan to make a girls boat trip at the end of the season with Ainz and all the other chicks of the Mentawais. Yuko will probably have her baby by then too which is very exciting!

Yesterday, i woke up at sunrise and practiced some yoga on the black stone floor of Jen's house as Yuko and Russell started to shuffle around waking up too.


I have fallen into a new routine of breathwork and Kundalini-esque yoga right when i wake up. My knee is still very sore from the Sea Urchin incident. It seems to get frozen and sticks when it is bent.

Ironically (or of course... not at all)... Russell wears a knee brace and is nursing a knee injury from his Nepalese trek right now. Always - with the reflection connections in my life showing me time and time again that we are reflecting everyone and everything at all times.

Russell got in the water straight away for an AM surf, and i opted to wait until it got a little smaller and less intimidating and went for a long Goddess walk with Yuko and Jen. We made our way up some hills, across some rice patties, past some waterfalls and epic spirit chilling temples and cows (which are sacred here - and YES they are)... and to another secret black sand beach.


The black sand is so beautiful... its like Onyx and Diamond powder... And something about the fact that it comes from a volcano really excites me and makes me feel like its so good to walk on it.

Finally at the end of a completely untouched stretch of beach, there was a little Indo beach resort with an infinity pool and a bar/restaurant - but no guests staying there... so we swam laps in the pool and ordered coffees and smoothies and then lay out in the sun before walking back to Jen's castle.


We talked and talked for hours about relationships and life and plans for the future and intention setting... and it was so good for me to remember so many things... like WHAT i ideally want.

Then i got in the water and found myself doing what i have been doing for the last ten years... since the first time i was ever taught to surf... and every time i have surfed since then. Avoiding the waves rather then catching them.

WTF!? for someone that talks about living fearlessly so much, i certainly am a hypocrite when it comes to surfing. Something in me has a block on paddling into waves, and i continually find myself safely in the channel... away from 'danger', but also away from what i want to be doing.
I'm not even afraid of getting hurt. (My feet and legs will be testament to that)

But i kept hearing Jen's words echoing through my head out there... I kept visualizing her castle here in Balian and the way Russell came here... always always it's don't THINK about it... BE about it.

And so i got infused with that and started paddling into big waves that look like giant mammoth things when you're out there... and recognizing that i wasn't going to die or hurt any of the other surfers... and what the fuck am i waiting for? i live in INDO.

this of course is symbolic of where i am in my life right now. It's so much easier to stand still then to do... to run... to try even when you are in the perfect situation and opportunities are presented to you... it's easier to close our eyes and pretend not to see them and certainly takes a lot of bravery to be brave.

I was able to step out of my stagnant marriage, although i am yet to paddle into a wave and allow myself to be in a real relationship again... but i trust that this is why i am here in Balian.

I think maybe the spirits brought me here to remind me of what i want and that i can manifest and create anything. But the broken record of negative self deprecating thoughts has to turn off and i have to sack up and get it or get over it.

My brain and i have been having some very interesting talks about that in the lineup. i'm sure i must look schitzophrenic, having full conversations with myself... having my big AH-HA moments when i can draw parallels in my life from the present moment... SO much symbolism between surfing and spirit.

After a significant amount of sun for the day, my skin started tapping me on the shoulder and clearing its throat and telling me it was time to call it a day - so i stashed the board behind the Pondok Pitaya and promptly ordered a cocobu... coconut with malibu rum.
maaaaaybe the best post-surf drink in history. it's hydrating AND it tastes the way sun tan oil and sexwax seem like they should taste...

it's amazing.

i met a bunch of Brazilian guys who i had been out in the water with and were staying in one of the little pondoks on the beach together. We ended up all talking for a long time... Russell used to live in Brazil when he was abroad in college and my mom was born in Rio, so somehow i felt an interconnectedness. Also - one of them lives in Sydney and i immediately thought of my friend Aussie Mike who lives down there and i keep thinking i really want to see. In that exact moment where i drifted off from the convo with the Brazilian Sydney transplant surfer guy and started daydreaming about hanging out with Mike, my i-think beep beeped and it was a facebook comment from Mike with just a <3 heart.
duh.
just the typical synchronectar that happens when i am connected to people.

Things got a little metaphysical at that table, and then once more at dinner when it was just Jen, Russell and I.

Our conversation started with "what IS a mirror?" and then turned to the topic of our eyeballs... and then to what color is... and to how we perceive color and how we perceive all... to which i went off on my "this is what i see" world/ether/life/death/tranformation paradigm overview... which is quite a lot to take in when i start rambling it off (especially when i have a pitcher of Sangria in front of me).

But i have to say, I loved having Russell there to play devil's advocate and challenge my beliefs (in a very non-confrentational loving but intelligent way.) I love having deep intellectual, psycho-spiritual conversations about THE ALL.

It's just like when i teach yoga or when i write and the words just kind of flow out of me... and i am so instantly amazed by what i just said... because i recognize that these thoughts are in me and that i am a conduit and i can share this magic... maybe encouraging others to wake up and seek their own truth. I say SPEAK. use as many words as you want... even if nobody hears you.

Khalil Gibran says "Half of what i say is meaningless, but i say it so the other half may reach you."

Before we all called it a night, I asked Russell what India was for him, as i am getting excited to venture there myself with my friend Aaron... and Russell basically said this:

"it was a reminder."

i thought this was such a beautiful answer... and although we talked at length and he told me much more then just that, it seems that was his thesis.

I have booked myself in next week to the Ghandi Ashram in Candidesa (chan-dee-does-uh), Bali. I will be staying at the Ashram and taking part in the daily happenings which include dawn pujas, lectures/dialogues, yoga classes, and meals.
The mission statement of the ashram is to
"to translate Gandhian ideals of living into action and to promote a life of simplicity (which also implies sustainability and care for our environment), self-sufficiency and service to the community."
basically... don't talk about it... BE about it."

i am infused with this reminder here in Balian spending time with Jen who came here 7 years ago before there was ANYTHING but a beach, and built her dream and lives in paradise in a home she created and manifested and lives life with an "i can" attitude - and i look forward to going to this ashram next week for more reminders.

today i will BE about it.



i am a fearless aquatarian astronaut surfer love ninja named zani.
nice to reflect you.

BALIAN - AND - ON

and-on-and-on-and-on-and
and it don't stop.
and it don't quit.

indonesia... you never cease to amaze me.


maybe it is the faith of the people in the country that makes spirit so strong here... maybe we are located in a magical place - hugging the equator in the bluest ocean on earth... or maybe its just ME and i am in a place in my life to SEE the beauty and magic in everything.
the immediate cause - and - effect karmic motion and tests and lessons and rewards....
i feel like this "game" of life is just getting more and more apparent that it is exactly that...
a beautiful game that i love playing.

i think i have gotten pretty damn good at it lately... i can just flow and let the currents of life carry me.

last night i sat at the Pondok Pitaya restaurant/bar/cafe with two super Goddesses, Yuko and Jen.

Yuko is a Japanese surfer chick who owns the Budgidari surf charter boat, lives in Seminyak, is engaged to the captain of Palagic surf charter boat and is pregnant. She has also been my guardian angel on Bali and reminds me not to be afraid of anything. We had had a driver take us up here to Balian yesterday.

It's about a 2-3 hour drive through beautiful Balanese villages & rice patties by a mountain poking out through the clouds. Yuko and i chit chatted the whole drive with each other and our sweet Bali driver lady, Ketut. I realized that there is actually NO faster way to get there. this IS the highway (and the scenic route at the same time it seemed)

The night before last, i arrived back at the hotel after sitting under the mango trees in kuta and writing a piece for Ainsley on the Goddess Week we had on my birthday - where there were three women guests... I found myself back in the boyzone in the lobby of the crackhead hotel in kuta where a group of 20 Balanese guys just sit around. I had asked them to find me a driver to take me to Balian and they immediately introduced me to Made (Ma-Day) who would be driving me for 350.000rp (about 40 dollars) the next morning... we shook hands and touched our hearts and i fell asleep. When i woke up they all came over and told me that Made's sister Ketut would drive me instead and i also found that my guy friend who was supposed to come with Yuko and I up to Balian, wasn't going to make it.

The universe lined things up to make it a Goddess adventure.


We arrived in Balian around 3:30pm... a single road running down to the beach.
There are about two or three little Warungs (stalls/shops) and that's it. At the end of the road is the oceanfront 'Pondok Pitaya' where Jen had told us to meet her. It's a beautiful little place with ambiance and "strong ginger tea" which i love. There are two Ganeshas on either side of the garden, so i clicked photos and sent them to my sisters. (the new game we play - sending pics of Ganesh to eachother)

Sitting in the Ganesha garden we saw Jen walk up radiating her awesome powerful light.

I met Jen ON my birthday actually. I went on the sampan into Tua Pajet to meet her and her boyfriend Matt and bring them back to Togat Nusa Retreat. The whole time she was on the island she would mention her place she has in Balian but i never really got the picture that it was like THIS.

Jen has a kingdom in Balian... not unlike John & Ainsley's driftwood kingdom in the Mentawais, Jen's is a stone kindgom...

We walked through a rice patty and past a few beautiful indo cows, stopping to pet a particularly friendly one named Ferdinand.


"They don't eat these cows do they?" i asked cringing and already bracing for the answer i get everywhere in the world... from America to England...
"Nope. they don't eat cow on Bali" Jenny replied.

i almost cried.

Then we walked to the end of the path and i did cry.

Jen's house is built on two stories, the top level is a 100 year old house she bought on Java and had broken down and transported to Balian.
The Javanese houses are amazing for many reasons, but mostly because there are no nails! these incredible walls and roof are brick-a-brack'd together and held with wooden pegs carved into the structure.
Every inch of the inside is beautiful stone work, using about 10 different styles and types of stone laid together in this beautiful way... it just all flows together. Sun beds with draping Goddess tapestries and throw pillows, curtains and carved wood... and the stone walls are all adorned with her own art.

I asked her "HOWWWW did you do this?"

she replied "a bad break up"

we sat on her top level balcony area looking out at the ocean through palm trees, past rice patties and indonesian rooftops.


She has been here for 7 years building her kindgom, and running surf trips with primarily women, surfing every day, designing clothing, buying and selling land, painting, creating, practicing yoga, and living her dream into reality. She is so highly inspiring its unreal. Her story echoed Susan Nichols from yogitoes... my old boss and dear friend who had the same sentiment as Jen

"Don't THINK about it. BE about it."

I sat around the candlelit dinner table with Jen and Yuko last night and thought about my life, after spending much of the evening talking about about the divine feminine and sharing our stories to one another.
For as driven, strong, and secure a woman as i am, i have an equal river of insecurity running through me.
I often times hear myself say the words the Jen lives her life to rid women of saying
"I can't"

We can. We are capable of doing absolutely anything... provided we just DO it.

Jen's house is testament to this.

She told us a story about her Bantu (the woman named Ketut that has worked for Jen for 7 years and helped her in many ways) ... Ketut is a Balanese woman who has two brothers and two daughters. In Bali, the woman must leave the home and live with the husband and gets no inheritance, land or money.
Jen said that Ketut lives in a very small house with her husband and children, but Ketut's parents recently died and left her two brothers a huge plot of land.
The brothers asked Jen to sell the land for them.
She told the brothers that she would sell it, but for 5% more then they were asking and that money would go to Ketut.
What the brothers also don't know is that Jen is buying the land to give to Ketut's daughters.

Covered in goosebumps i told Jen the coincidence that our beautiful driver's name that afternoon was Ketut ALSO!

ya... it's not even amazing at all apparently.

there are literally FOUR names in Bali.

FOUR.

The firstborn is "Wokalayan" (or Yan, for short), second is "Made," third is "Nyoman" or Komang (Man or Mang for short), and fourth is "Ketut" (often elided to Tut).

SO funny. typical that i forgot this and was overwhelmed by the synchronicity of the names.
I was so lost in frustration and spirit-assaulting Kuta, i probably met twenty Made's and Ketut's and just totally didn't notice.

I found my balance and my peace again, here in Balian.

Again, i am finding myself SHOCKED by how much the buzz of a city got to me... It got under my skin and made my head throb... I even called my mother and went off on the phone to her about how awful Kuta is... I almost caught myself saying "Bali" several time... suggesting that this entire island was like Kuta.
It is NOT
and I think Balian is here to remind me of this.
I have somehow become an island girl and i am NOT mad about it.

But i remember the words on of my greatest teachers shared with me one time

"your psyche has drawn every single person... every single circumstance into its awareness to reflect itSELF."

So i am moved and grateful beyond words to be surrounded by Goddesses.

Both Yuko and Jen have partners that spend half the month away (Jen's boyfriend works in Australia and Yuko's running the boat in the Mentawais)... and i realized that something i always said about Jamie was that it would probably have worked out if i could have spent more time away from him. haha

I thought about this reflection reminder... then i thought about the way my energy had just settled as soon as i drove away from Kuta... I thought about how when i arrived in Kuta and the chaos that was happening i realized that it was the universe restoring balance from the extreme pace i had been able to experience on the island...
and i thought baout how my dislike of Kuta had once again been reflected by my amazement and awe of Balian.


I think (in everything) if we just take the time to step back and look at the giant canvas of life, we see the symbolism in everything and even more to the point, we see our reflection...
We see the things that irritate us are just parts of us that we need to be extra tender towards...
and the things that we admire and love in others, are parts of us that we can be proud of and allow to shine brightly, as beautiful aspects of our own spirit.