Stormy holidays (hollow daze) in Honduras

Christmas afternoon on Roatan 

79 degrees

83% humidity

15 mph winds

Downpour

I'm sitting in a slightly damp hammock- damp from a mix of ocean spray from the onshore winds blowing directly at me and the rain being pushed sideways under the awning I'm under.  The sea is sick and angry- or else just having a blast- tossing and turning and throwing itself around.

I went out on the west end last night with the volunteers and some friends that we've all acquired. west end was wild- full of drink specials and giant blow up santa clauses... People from all over the world milling around the dive shops and western bars... Drinking and laughing and carrying on.

The locals were off the west end lighting off thousands upon thousands of fire crackers, bombs and cannons.... This is a theme in the developing world I've experienced in numerous countries. Celebration = war zone sound effects.

I laughed laying in the dark trying to sleep through the blasts exploding every few moments outside my window. "peace on earth" I though to myself sarcastically.

I woke up to a quiet house and did my best to fill it with classical Christmas music care of iTunes Radio- despite the shitty internet spotting in and out.

The storm was supposed to blow in over night but all I saw when I woke up was the blowing and no storm per say.

The winds are howling through the palm trees and remind me of the north winds that would plague our island home in Indonesia. The devil winds we called them.

Indonesians are somewhat afraid of the wind- when people get sick they say "masuk angin" which means that you've taken the wind inside yourself.

The wind carries bad spirits and they mess with you.

I woke up with a tickle in my throat... And immediately got a feeling of almost fear- completely from Indonesian superstition.

We walked next door to The home of an American couple in their 60s who had invited all the volunteers and Miss Peggy over for Christmas breakfast.

They even cooked the oatmeal with almond milk which I'm sure was just for me.

Dr. Victoria came with a beautiful Guatemalan doctor who she worked with and had a love affair with while working at a clinic in Guatemala... His name was Sergio and he was fascinating.  Victoria, Sergio and nurse Erin went with miss Peggy over to the clinic suddenly when they got a call about a man who needed medical care- so even on Christmas they went to open the closed up Clinica Esperanza to take care of this patient. This is why I love it here.

I came home and Skype/facetimed with family and loved ones - Cary, Tawney, Carlos and family... Until the others came back from the clinic with stories about the patient and we sat around and drank green tea and ate popcorn and watched the storm hammer our little beach house.

It is an odd feeling that's overwhelming me today.

I've spent so so many Christmases away from home and yet this year more than any other, I am truly homesick and miss my dogs, my parents, my room, and of course my Carlos. 

I am so grateful to be here and it's a truly phenomenal experience that I wouldn't trade for the world- I am surrounded by wonderful friends I have made here- but something in me feels hollow and I am actually looking forward to going home in three weeks.

Church = sunbath

I came on the adventure to church this morning and found myself by the pool in a luxury resort.

"The sun is my God, anyway." I told myself in justification.

Yesterday was my solo mission. 

I woke up and came to west end with Bethany to lay by the beach and soak up the morning sun although the clouds rolled in and we didn't have much of a sunbath.  A little lady came by and asked if I would like a massage and being the foot massage junkie that I am, I couldn't resist the 15 minute foot massage for $5.

The beautiful, little, round faced, Honduras woman knelt in the sand and began by washing my feet with ocean water and then oiling them down. I closed my eyes ready to drift off into my happy place when she started to speak to me and ask what brought me to Roatan.  Through an eyes closed dreamy grumble I told her in Spanish that I am working at the clinic.  I found out that this is not the best relaxation strategy because even though I told her multiple times That I was not a doctor yet- she insisted on spending the 15 minutes explaining her child's symptoms to me. 

This seems to be a theme here- "I am not a doctor yet" somehow means "treat me and talk to me like I'm a doctor- and give me responsibilities far out of my scope of practice at this juncture.

I had spent all day Friday shadowing doctors who allowed me to perform the physical examinations and full on take the patient histories and help with treatment plans.

I am NOT complaining because those experience is incredible and allowing me to step way out of my comfort zone... Unafraid to touch, examine and intuit the patients.  There seem to be few rules in this world over here.

Anyway- I convinced my sweet masseuse to bring her baby to the clinic on Monday where she will sit with probably 50 other patients in a waiting room for 4 hours... But it will be free for her to get medicine for her son's two week spell of diarrhea and she will certainly get a lecture from Dr. Coleman for not bringing him in sooner.

I walked over to the dive shop and off I went on the boat to go do two hour long dives in the beautiful stunning reef that surrounds like island.

My second dive was cut short by the fact that I was freezing -this always happens - but despite my 5mm wetsuit and neoprene hood, I started shaking 45 minutes in and had to come up. Grrrrrr.

I came home and had an entire Afternoon/evening to myself to practice yoga, Skype with my parents, sister and boyfriend... And listen to a good but very creepy podcast about murder which is unnerving being that this is the murder Capitol of the world!

Dr Rosanna had parted to go back to Mexico and Bethany was out in West Bay with Siay and Megan- two of the other volunteers.

I was very happy to have an evening to myself, my yoga mat and the sound of my breath- which seemed to be the soundtrack of the day.

Diving to me is the ultimate meditation- just floating and listening to your slow steady breath.

This morning we all woke up since it's Sunday and Mr. Dee and Miss Peggy go to church and invite anyone who wishes to come, to join.

I had been excited to experience a Honduran church in Spanish until I found out that actually this is a conference room at the Infinity Bay resort with a bunch of American ex-pats.

Sounds like what I would get at home and today was a sunny day- a beautiful crystal blue, bright yellow sun kinda sunny day.. So I opted to veer towards to pool instead of the conference hall church.. And here I am... Lathered in maui babe tanning cream and soaking in the tropical sun next to a pool with a waterfall and lounge chairs... Worlds away from what I've experienced so far here in Honduras but I'll admit- a nice change of pace and a wonderful experience to have considering I've had no sun time yet.

This week i will only work Monday and Tuesday and then the clinic is closed from Christmas Eve through the following week... So I will have 12 days with nothing to do...

I was thinking of getting my advanced diver certification, but because there is such an influx of people coming the week after Christmas (I guess it's like a blackout week)... I don't think I'll be able to get on a course! :(

So maybe I will find myself here- at a resort, drinking an epic Bloody Mary, and soaking in the sun between snorkeling adventures out front. What a charmed life I lead that I am disappointed I can't slave away in a clinic treating sick babies and instead have to experience this...

Praising my God... This gorgeous Sun.

3 days in Roatan

I made it in one piece to this funny little island in the Caribbean I'll call home for the next month. A man named Mr. Dee picked me up at the airport in his red pick up truck which is known all around the island as he stops for everyone, letting them jump in the bed of the truck for rides around town.  Town, I suppose, is Coxen Hole- where the local public hospital (which is like a dungeon and looks a little scary) is located, along with a bunch of local stuff and a big grocery store called Eldon's. We went straight to the store from the airport which was tough not knowing what would be waiting for me at the beach house, but I figured I'd just be safe and get everything I might need.

To my great surprise upon walking into the grocery store- I could have been in America. Almond milk, JIF peanut butter, gluten free crackers, organic everything options... I mean, there's pretty much nothing I can't get here which is crazy to me.

I thought I was coming to the developing world. 

I dyed my hair brown expecting to have too much unwanted attention from locals.

This was way off.

I'm in a full on Western world.

Not what I was expecting.

We arrived at the beach house and none of my three roommates were home, which gave me an opportunity to decompress, light a candle, do some yoga, and cook myself some veggies. 

Around 8pm, like a tornado, came a blur of drunkenness- a mad Canadian pharmacist who's last night it was and she was taking it to the next level. She could barely stand up straight and the other girls, my roommates Rosanna - a beautiful young Irish doctor, and Bethany, a pharmacy student from Ohio were playing the role of the bumpers in a bowling alley, trying to keep her somewhat contained (a basically impossible job.) Another friend, a nutritionist from London named Shey was there too and we all hung out after the hammered Canadian passed out, until I couldn't keep my eyes open and I went to sleep on my pillow that i had sprayed with Carlos's cologne like such a dork but am so glad I did.

I used to spray my dad's cologne when he was gone on long trips singing abroad. Smell is such a powerful sense.

I woke up with the beautiful sunrise and the familiar smell of island trash fire. I know that sounds like not a nice smell of you don't know it, but I do. It pulls me back to Indo and makes me ache for my friends and family out there who feel so far away after 2 years apart.

I had an absolutely incredible day at the clinic.

I oriented in the morning and then went home until my afternoon shift.

mr. Dee gave me a little tour of the island in his red truck so I could get my bearings...

And suddenly it was 1 so My roommate and I walked to the clinic which is just up a dirt road in Sandy Bay.

Dr Jaylene- a beautiful Honduran M.D. pulled me out of my scheduled triage rotation and in with her to meet with patients in Spanish all day. It was incredible for me. I was understanding about 70% of everything happening but Dr Jaylene was interpreting for me anyway. She spoke slow and deliberately not just for my benefit but to hammer home what she was saying to the patients.  

"Por qué no viniste antes?! Usted está enfermo! No hay dinero? Esta clínica es gratis para usted si no puede pagar!  GRATIS!  Eso no es excusa. Se debe tener cuidado de su salud! Es por eso que estamos aquí !!"

She gently but firmly laid down the lay with the patients telling patients with high blood pressure why they could die if they didn't take their meds... Telling mothers with children who's mouths were abcessed and rotten that it was the mother's fault she didn't brush her kids teeth and the repercussions of that. We had patient after patient with different ailments and problems and life stories... 

We were on the far end of a room separated from Dr. Rosanna and her patients by a curtain. The pharmacy is a little room/closet where everyone shuffles sideways to sort medication all of which goes to the patients for free.

Suddenly it was 6 and the clinic was closed but I didn't want it to end.

Walking home I was buzzing and Rosanna (who said she was not used to working with such enthusiasm) asked me if I'd ever worked with a G.P. Before and I realized that I hadn't. This was brand new to me... And I loved it.

More than any other specialty or medical situation I'd been in, general practice has been my favorite already. I loved the clinical setting too.

Everything is so difficult in the basic, humble clinic though compared to the billion dollar hospital where my internship in San Diego is.

It's a phenomenal operation and incredible service to the community. I can't imagine what it was like 14 years ago before Miss Peggy opened the clinic.

Some of the other volunteers were at the house when we got home and were going out on the town in West End but I stayed behind and studied Spanish with Dr. Rosanna. We are about at the same level of Spanish and she's brilliant and wonderful and definitely my favorite person I've met.

We fell asleep late.

I woke up to an empty house as Bethany was working the early shift and Rosanna was tutoring English to kids at a local school. (I start on Thursday).

I practiced yoga on my beloved wooden floor overlooking paradise, when some of the volunteers- shay and two pharmacy guys came and got me to go to West Bay to snorkel.

So beautiful!

We took a taxi up and over the winding hills to West End and then a water taxi in to the bay where the fancy resorts are and the most beautiful reef I'd ever seen.

I have no photos but this is Shay on the water taxi leaving West Bay's crystal waters.

On the way back through West End I was told I could scuba dive for a major discount due to my volunteership which made me giddy!!! I can't wait to dive!!! And I am considering doing an advanced course while the clinic is closed over Christmas and New Years.

I made it back to Sandy Bay just in time to shower and head to work at the clinic. I spent the entire day triaging (which was what I was supposed to do the first day but there were plenty of people there to help so I ended up shadowing Dr. Jaylene.)

Triage is taking vital signs, patient history, and making sure that nobody needs to jump the line. A few patients did of course- super high BP or blood sugar, one baby with a high fever and a girl with very very love BP that we had to hang an IV bag for immediately. It was much more high energy than my previous day but so fun for me to practice my Spanish. Probably 80% of the patients didn't speak a word of English so I was left to translate and communicate on my own. In just a few days my Spanish has improved exponentially.

Rosanna and I came home from work to a big potluck dinner that Miss Peggy planned for all the volunteers at our house. We didn't have time to cook so we went down the street to get some rice cooked for us by Miss Elizabeth who has a little restaurant thing- in Indo we'd call it a warung.

Everyone left but Dr. Victoria, a Russian internist who is very interesting and actually lives and works here full time as staff, and Erin a nurse who lives here for a year and hasn't been working at the clinic this week because her family is visiting.

We stayed up late talking again until it was Rosanna and I in our same spots as the previous night talking about medicine and travel and all the synchronicities and coincidences that had brought our paths to cross so many times before. 

We went to bed at 1am still talking and I woke up to the sound of steady rain on corrugated tin roofs and birds squealing in joy as the water streamed down through the trees.

I love the rainy season in the tropics... I always want to capture the sheets of rain and the way it hangs off of Palm fronds but I'm yet to photograph it.

Today is another day at the clinic probably triaging... But who knows?

It is a beautiful rainy day and I'm just so grateful to be here.

The end of the escape era

I found myself crying and riddled with anxiety this past week, while finishing finals and prepping for my trip to Honduras.

(I'm en route now).

"What are you scared of?" I asked myself, echoed by the voices of my family and friends...

You're a very very seasoned traveller, you've been to far more dangerous and daunting places in the world with much less planning and/or forethought.

What was making this trip shake me to my core?

I said goodbye to my parents and got into Carlos's car heading south towards his house and the airport. When we hit Del Mar I suddenly remembered that I had left behind my rose quartz travel amulet and needed to turn around and go back for it.

My head was throbbing and I was nauseous... I was being a weirdo and my sweet Carlos was smiling and patting my head through the storm.

He pulled off the freeway and headed north as I continued to fight back tears and the sick feeling of anxiety creeping over me.

I walked in the house and my mom in her infinite wisdom and brilliance told me that I was surrounded in golden light and I was safe. She also told me that she thought i wasn't afraid of Honduras but it was actually some fear of leaving my new boyfriend who I've fallen in love with.

But I feel secure in our relationship and I'm not afraid of being apart from him. I really do know that we'll be fine. We're crazy about each other and I have unlimited texting while abroad.

So what is it?

I almost got in an uber and went to meet Jessica Bilson at a friend's party in LA but decided to be a grown up and sat down at the Wolfgang Puck bar for a glass of red wine and a salad.

Cary called me from New York in that moment and just laid it out for me as only a friend of 20 years can do... See directly into your soul and say what you know but just haven't clicked together the puzzle piece in your own mind yet.

Zani.... You're a traveller. You always have been and always will be. But your impetus for traveling is shifting. In the past few years, you travelled to escape. I think you're finding yourself in a life that you don't want to escape from and so maybe for the first time in a long time, you don't want to leave your current reality.  Maybe travel is becoming something you want to share with the person you love instead.

It's true.

I don't want to escape.

For the first time in a long time, I am not looking to escape. I am happy. I am content and fulfilled and I'm good. I don't need to escape my world because my world is filling me with love and happiness right now.

This trip was never meant to really be an escape (although it could certainly serve as that)... It is to further my education and future career. It's a learning opportunity- not a getaway... Because I don't need to get away from anything! :)

I got on my flight to Houston feeling like I had clarity and promptly fainted during takeoff.

Sweet.

The paramedics think that (just like on my flight to Cabo last October for my cousins wedding) it was a mix of alcohol in my system, low blood pressure and high altitude during an ascent. With some air flow and a cold towel on my neck I was fine... But still. Wtf?

Here I am feeling like all my stress and anxiety had melted away because I'd identified the root of it, only to be shoved into THE MOST anxiety producing place I can think of. Trapped in a window seat, in the dark, my two aisle-side neighbors spread out and fast asleep... Me sweating profusely, holding a puke bag and then suddenly feeling my brain silently screaming nooooooo as I pull myself back into consciousness and out of the black tunnel I'd unknowingly slipped into.

Fainting is pretty much the weirdest worst feeling. Like your brain just checks out...

An escape from consciousness.

Thanks to the beautiful woman who helped me off the flight and got me a ride to the next terminal.

I think I'm okay now. Still have 3 hrs here at Houston to drink and smoothie and focus on not escaping but rather being present.

Ommmmmmmmmmmm

Roatan - I will see you this afternoon.

How amazing to know that I have finished escaping. 

I am ready to just be.