spring has sprung

i got my nails done yesterday with my mom. 

they're turquoise.  

i was taking jacuzzi this morning and looking at my nails under the water thinking back to where i was a year ago. (i do this often)…

I was in australia. 

I had returned the car that tawney and i got from traveller's auto barn and drove down the east coast of australia,  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOG1YlWjdZY.... and i was back in sydney staying with my broski, Paul.

Paul was living with his amazing mom, Janice in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney so i got stay in a room with a view that looked like this.... 

I was so in love with Australia after the most epic month ever.

We had gone to 4 Bon Iver shows in Sydney and Brisbane and made friends with the band and hung out with them after every show and got to stay in the hotel with them in Brisbane and go to cuddle koalas together, it was ridiculous. We then got to stay with SO many different friends all the way down the coast.  Some were friends from California, some were brand new friends we had met on the street and just liked straight off the bat, and several were my friends from Indo... guests who had come to stay and of course, Birdie, my island parter... my late night cat-bass, wandering the island under the moon, bff. It was So good to see him and meet all his friends and see where he was from... which is a place i would LOVE to live.

Tawney had already left for Bali and I had another week left, so i went up to the northern beaches and visited my girlfriends who i had also met at Togat Nusa Retreat (the island i used to call home).

I had another best weekend of my life with those girls... met this beautiful guy who said all the right things and showed me his epic house with the ridiculous view that was pretty much my dream house.

I felt so alive in Australia. I made this video that really sums up the whole thing to me.

It was spring time then... but not in Aus.  There it was fall.

After I peeled myself away from the memories that were engulfing me this morning in the jacuzzi, i realized something.

Every spring for the last 3 years i have spent in indonesia and australia  - the southern hemisphere.... where it's not spring... and returned to the southern hemisphere when it's fall in the northern hemisphere.

I haven't experienced a spring since 2009... the year Jamie and I split up.

That's pretty weird.

I floated around the jacuzzi staring at my turquoise nails and soaking my sore muscles from an intense Pilates class i took yesterday and reflected further on my lack of spring.

Ironically, I have felt really flat for the last 7 months since I've been back in America. Depressed. Sad. No energy. All i want to do is sleep. I have no spring in my step.

Literally.

I thought about this Anusara yoga class I took the other day here in San Diego... the teacher was this ripped, Japanese man who talked throughout the class about springtime and how it was now spring and what that meant, and how we could invite vitality into our lives.

These daffodils showed up in the living room this morning.

My mom has always been really good about having fresh flowers in vases around the house.

It made me think about spring time in England and how I would run through Hyde Park every morning through the winter and then it was like BAM overnight the park was littered with daffodils and my heart would spring and i would run faster and my feet were lighter and there was a song inside my head when i saw the flowers.

My birthday is in spring. It's coming up on April 16th.

Last spring, i was in fall.
And i fell down a rabbit hole right around my birthday.
I completely and totally lost myself in that fall when i got sick and never fully came back.

I never sprung back to life after all that and ever since then, i feel like i have been battling with someone i don't know who is living inside me insisting that i am sad and negative and sleepy all the time.

I'm taking control of my life again this spring. I am currently on a juice cleanse and practicing yoga regularly... I'm taking all kinds of supplements and doing meditations where i visualize happy things.
I am trying really hard to come back to myself.
And i am hoping that springtime will be a springboard for me to do that.

I miss Indonesia. I miss Ainsley and John who own Togat Nusa where I used to live and work. They are my family and I feel like those islands are my home and they are so far away... A part of me wants to ditch out on school and run back there and bask in the sun and snuggle Beaker, the monkey and make green smoothies with Ainsley and laugh and swim around the island under the full moon and be SO inspired to write all the time...

But ya know... it's fall there. And i need springtime.

I also need to explore places i haven't been yet that are a little closer and a little more accessible for me... like central and south america.

I am going to Mexico in October for a wedding and then I think in the new year i will travel a whole bunch.
I just have to figure out how to make a whole bunch of money. (always the way it seems)...

I wonder what happened to that brave girl who just trusted that everything would work out and gave everything she owned away and went to indo with bubbles coming out of her ears.

I really miss that spontaneous, bouncy, happy version of me.

Sometimes I think she died and is never coming back and that's okay i guess, because i'm just here.
And here is the only place i can be right now, because if i try to move from here i will be there and it will be later anyways.

So... Here i am staring at turquoise nails and yellow daffodils and globes of the world...

I know I'm still a gypsy and a love ninja and a mermaid... I'm just in this weird incubation period right now.

My sister said she feels like i am in some kind of weird 5 year sleep tank where i'm supposed to wake up and bam. it's 5 years later and for some reason i woke up inside the tank and i'm clawing at the walls to get out but at the same time i know i'm just here and should probably just fall back to sleep.

Everything is weird but i think maybe hopefully that spring will spring me out of this head funk and back into some semblance of the flowers in my hair, smile across my face kinda girl i used to be.

Only time will tell..