Living in Asia I got inspired daily.... Constantly Turned on by symbolic lessons that I would discover all around me as I traveled.
I am being stimulated in a different way now- through school and study- where things are spelled out for me on blackboards and in expensive textbooks, but I miss the kind of life where things happen that inspire me to write a blog about them.
It's been a long time...
I know that i created this life and I'm living it. Doing the best I can and forcing a smile onto my face as I do it, but in reality I feel very depressed and sad most of the time.
This morning I woke up with dark grey clouds above my head, literally and figuratively, and knew I needed to motivate myself to exercise. Endorphins are the only medicine I can count on to pull me back to myself.
I went to a long, very challenging, heated yoga class that quite literally cooked me. I found myself giving about 10% of what I was capable of giving in poses I've been practicing for over a decade... Poses I have taught to tons of people all around the world over the last 5 years...
But I just didn't feel I had it in me to fully twist in- to fully reach down, or even to fully hold in the pose for as long as the teacher was instructing us to.
The long haired san diego surfer yogi dude with the sing songy voice cooed as he came by from time to time and adjusted me.
He would touch my back or hips, expecting to coerce another inch from my body and found another twelve. He kept giggling to himself as though he was touching a ball of clay.
The last 30 minutes I just lay on my back and breathed. I fought tears for a moment and then started repeating a spontaneous mantra to myself... "I am brave. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I am love. I am light. I am bliss."
Over and over again I said those words to myself, distracting my destructive mind that was eager to slip into self-pity and disappointment in myself.
After class, I saw my teacher in the lobby and gave him a quick thank you.
"those adjustments okay?" he asked
I immediately wanted to launch into a story - defending my lack of work in class- i wanted to explain about how I am kind of depressed and ever since I got malaria in april, my body and brain have been not right and I haven't been practicing even though I've wanted to... And blah blah blah - every excuse in my book.
"yes. Thank you. I'm just taking it easy." I said simply...
And maybe that's all it was. Maybe that was true, I suddenly realized. Maybe I've just been taking it easy since April. Giving myself a break to just cruise. And maybe there's nothing wrong with that.
My teacher smiled and tucked his long hair behind his ears...
"man... I try to convince my students every day to do that. You're just coasting! That's so awesome. Keep it up! Don't stop coasting! It's inspiring."
Whoa.
Did he just say he was inspired by what i have been seeing as my weak, laziness?
I think here in this world we are all in such a rush... In such fierce competition... In such a crazy push all the time- that I guess it is kind of awesome to just coast.
I was never this hard on myself when I got home from traveling. In fact, I felt like the whole of San Diego was in hyperspeed... Even the soft spoken surfer types seemed like they were speeding around- in such a rush- staring at clocks and phones to keep in time with this crazy place.
I no longer feel behind the pace. I've acclimated to this timing here, but it's so good to remember that doing less is okay and coasting is kind of awesome.
