San Diego I guess

America's Finest Timelapse from XOXO Wedding Studio on Vimeo.

Cardiff, San Diego - September 7, 2012 So... I guess i live here now.

I still don't know what to say when people ask me where I live.

I was out surfing with my friend Tawney the other day and a guy asked us where we lived. She said Venice, I stuttered and said "I guess i am living in Cardiff now."
It's almost like I have a phobia of saying i live somewhere, as though i will get stuck and never get free again.
But I have to keep telling myself over and over and over again that i CHOSE to be here.
i CREATED this reality and not only that... but it is a great reality that affords me these incredible opportunities most people can only dream of.

First of all, I live in Cardiff-By-the-Sea, California. Less then 12,000 people get to call this little nook of Encinitas hOMe and I do. I get to have a Cardiff zipcode and not only that, but I get to live here for free... in my parent's beautiful house... with maids who clean my sheets and vaccum my room and tidy my shelves.

Yet somehow just this morning i thought about how much i hate the way the maids make my bed... and then stopped and shook myself. Whoa. Who am i?

I flopped down on the floor and meditated... i watched myself breathing... and then i watching my mind as it watched me breathing.
Becoming aware of being aware.
It's a weird thing... and it pulled me back to the me that i get so scared of losing.

Ever since i was a kid i hide my most valuable, prized possessions... shove them way down at the bottom of a drawer or under my pillow but then i never see them and eventually i forget they exist altogether.

I'm trying to make alters... honoring and respecting the things i treasure the most... externally and internally.

I am swaying from side to side a LOT these days... drifting too far one way and then back too far the other way... Still trying to find an equilibrium... Still trying to figure out where the sweet spot is where i can find balance while going to school.

As of right now i am seeing that the important things i need to balance are School (Biology, Spanish and Math), Work (Nannying, Graphic/Branding and Writing), Music (Playing guitar and writing songs), Yoga, meditation & surfing (which all fit in the same category as physical/spiritual health)

I made a vision board at the foot of my feet i look at every day to remind me of what i am working towards.

Sometimes I feel like I am serving a 4 year prison sentence - jailed in claustrophobic institutions with freezing cold A/C and horrible halogen lights... looking at numbers projected on a wall that i am supposed to memorize somehow with my foggy brain.
I cry after every math class. I get so defeated, but I am holding space and remembering the goal and trusting that i can do this.

Afterall, I live in San Diego and go to a school surrounded by red rock cliffs, blocks from the beach and an hour from Mexico. I'm not THAT far away from the other world... I could just run for it and do that Tijuana border crossing run backwards... Escaping this life and running towards what i consider freedom.